DH not happy with the reality of family life?

[jamaisvu]

DH and I have a 2 year old child much wanted and we had a long road and struggle to have them. DH has always wanted children, more so than me and was perhaps the main driving force in wanting to have them. He is 8 years older than me (now in his late 40's) and has always seen having children as the main way to bring meaning to his life.

We were so thrilled to finally have a child after tears of delay, trying to conceive and IVF that we both collapsed ourselves into parenthood prepared to just fully immerse ourselves in that experience. We had the usual struggles having a new baby causes and were both often very tired functioning on a minimum of sleep but it was fine and we both were totally in love with our baby.

Recently however DH seems to have begun to resent our child, I often feel like I can't leave him alone with DC too long or he will be in foul mood by the time I get back. DH is starting to get very rigid about our child's sleep routine and he gets very frustrated about their behaviour i.e. testing boundaries, repetitive behaviours, running about and creating general mayhem, just normal two year old stuff but he can't seem to cope with it.

I think the reality of having a child has really hit home for him now and he was saying how we won't have a decent holiday for years now and that so many of his plans are now on hold because he is too tired or occupied with our child to work on them. He is also back tracking on our previous plans to try for another baby from next year. I turn 40 next month and while I know it might not happen I really want to try for another child and at my age time is critical.

I feel frustrated because I think he expected a picture postcard version of family life (don't we all) that would make him feel happy and fulfilled forevermore but its obviously not always like that and you just need to get on with it and appreciate the good things when you can. Perhaps this is normal for parents and will pass as he comes to terms with the reality of life vs his imagined version of it?

Your child doesn't 'need' a sibling.

You want another baby, with the added urgency of the ticking clock.

Your husband however is not happy with the reality of this one - and does not want another one.

Bringing an 'unwanted by one parent' child into a family could be a disaster.

Ask the people here who've been that unwanted child.

It seems your DH wanted an an Insta-perfect vision of family life but failed to do his research about what it would really be like - and has not grown or changed since.

He'll be several years older should you have another, and will be even more ingrained into his resentful mindset.

And another thing - he'll be in his sixties when this DC is a possibly difficult adolescent.

You'll be coping with menopause (and possibly another child) in a very few years.

Gigantic pressures on any marriage - based on what you've shared I can only say a second baby is likely to break yours.

Start educating yourselves more about the reality of toddlers, children, adolescents, teenagers, their development, their brain functions, their challenges, their needs, so you're both better equipped to live with, love and support this one.

To continue my "people don't remember their own toddler years so have completely unreasonable expectations" theory, when DC1 was 2.5, we went to CenterParcs for a mid week break. It was a revelation for DH and I. As a couple, CenterParcs would have been the absolute last thing we'd ever consider a holiday. BUT, it was the first time we went somewhere with a child that felt like ea holiday. Because it was so completely kid centric.

This year, I've taken both DC on city breaks individually and it's been AMAZING. But that's because they are preteens and a lot more fun. We tried different foods. They got to explore places without me having to be within arms reach at all times. They were old enough to enjoy at least some of the sights and experiences....

I really wouldn’t think having another child in this scenario is a good idea. He’s not enjoying it as much as he thought he would. The toddler years can be trying, even more so with a newborn in the mix.
with only one the impact on life style in terms of holidays etc is more limited.

if we are taking an angle of what is fair to a child - how fair is it to knowingly bring a child into the world while the father doesn't want it and the family will most likely break down as a result?

2 year olds are hard, hard work. More so than babies I think because they can get themselves into all sorts of trouble. They're sweet as well but OMG that is a hard year or so. The good news is that they don't stay like that for very long! You will get your lovely family days out and the calmer, happier family unit, but give it time for your toddler to come out of that stage, and then you'll start reaping the benefits of family life. Then, you may very well find that your DH is up for another! At the moment he's not because he can't see past the demanding two-year old in front of him but that will, and does change! Give it another year or so and then see where things are at

For context, mine are now 4 and 9, but the toddler stages nearly broke me. Particularly with the first one. When he was 4.5 I had another one! Second babies can be easier in the sense that they have an older sibling to occupy them. The first time round you find you often take the place of the older sibling, they've only got you to entertain them and provide them with social stimulation so its very wearing

he does have low self esteem and I think he did expect having a child to somehow give him clarity and motivation and I think he feels very frustrated that this hasn't happened and he has a history of fixating on something he thinks will make him happy and then when it doesn't happen he finds something else that he hopes might work. However he can't just drop a child because it wasn't as he imagined it would be.

Sounds like you need couples therapy and he needs individual therapy.

I struggled with this type of behaviour my whole adult life - always thinking the next thing would solve all my problems, fixating on something I believe will finally be the ‘thing’ to make me happy and then when it doesn’t switching to another obsession like making my partner move to various different countries and move house A LOT! I then made having a child one of those things, so when my son didn’t miraculously fix all my issues I had somewhat of a breakdown and became convinced I needed to leave my incredibly loving and supportive relationship and basically just abandon ship (not leave my son but sort of just blow up my whole life). Therapy really helped me see that I had spent my whole adult life running away from my own mind and my trauma and that these fixations were just a distraction/escapism from how much I truly hated myself.

Therapy has helped my relationship immensely too and gave me the tools to communicate my needs effectively rather than just being a miserable b*tch.

A year on from starting therapy I am so much happier and clearer headed - it’s like all my behaviour finally makes sense to me and I am no longer constantly searching for that next ‘fix all’ obsession.

I would suggest asking your partner if he would be willing to try couples therapy to begin with as a way to effectively communicate your needs to one and other as you can see he is unhappy.

Then maybe as time goes on he could be persuaded into individual therapy.

OP what time does your toddler go to bed and does he sleep through the night?

Hi OP if I was you I would try another round of IVF and freeze some embryos to buy yourself time. I agree that your DH might start to enjoy parenting more once you're out of the toddler zone.

To be honest, if you can't cope as 2 (presumably healthy) adults with 1 2 year old I can't see how adding another into the mix is going to help.

There is a reason why divorce rates are high with young children. Anything up to 8/10 years old is common. Mostly the men decide the grunt work is too much for them and go for greener pastures. Sad but true.

Absolutely do not bring another child into the family when one parent is struggling with the rigors of family life already. There are benefits to having a sibling, but there are also drawbacks.

What your husband is experiencing isn’t that unusual. Plenty of parents struggle with the day to day reality of their responsibilities from time to time. That the problem is persisting means he might benefit from either a review for depression or just some basic therapy. The joy from having a child normally helps offset the drag from the grind on an overall basis, even if not on a daily basis, and the fact that it is not means he may have deeper issues he needs to explore.

My partner and I had kids in our 30s - planned for by both of us.

With the first my partner found the toddler ages difficult. He'd had a strict upbringing and was trying to enforce that without the memories of the reality of actually trying to achieve that.

I remember constantly saying "he's only 2" "he's only 3". By 4 we'd had ds2 and logistics got much harder and unfortunately that was when he couldn't cope and the relationship broke down. He hadn't indicated beforehand that he was having issues.

Do the talking now. Think about counselling.

If you do push for a second child to give your first a sibling accept that there's a risk that that may be at the expense of having a father.

I second this. We didn’t take ours abroad until they were about 6/7. Until then we did theme parks and short breaks like Haven holidays or Legoland. Obviously not what we would choose but you have to do what suits them, not you.

Rubbish, they CAN cope, just like women do, they just don’t want to - the difference is they don’t think they have to and can opt out, whereas women rarely do.

Id be pretty angry OP, he pushed for this whilst clearly not thinking it through properly, and now he’s sulking at the consequences of those choices. He needs to grow the fuck up. Maybe he could get some therapy

Haven is brilliant for young children.
I think people find parenting is boring. You have to manage your expectations.

Men often have a postcard image of family life because they look back at their dad’s experience and think ‘yeah, I’ll have a bit of that’. Women look at their mums and know it’s not all a barrel of laughs.

I used to want 4 kids at least.
Then I became a parent and realised how difficult it was.

A 2 year old is difficult and he sounds tired, he’s getting older and a lot of his friends are probably now at a stage in their life where they can afford and have the time to go on nice holidays, have hobbies and lie in etc.

But he needs to suck it up and deal with it.
Obviously if he’s feeling depressed then he needs to see his GP but if not then it’s not fair on you if he’s acting this way.

As a PP said I’d sit him down and have a frank discussion with him.
Tell him what you’ve said on here.

I also think if the plan was to try and have a 2nd baby then I don’t think it’s fair for him to go back on this.

What is your lifestyle like?
Could you afford for one of you or both of you to reduce your hours so there’s a better work/life balance?

Has he fallen into the same trap I did?

When I had babies/toddlers, especially DD1, I panicked that the relentlessness of parenting had ruined my life and that this drudgery was how the next 20 years at least was going to be. That's just how full on and never ending it all felt and even though I adored my kids, I thought perhaps parenting wasn't for me after all.

I was wrong, parenting is better described as a bumpy road to navigate. Kids change a lot and usually become a lot more manageable as the years go by. Going through school are years of massive change and development. They are literally different people not very far into that journey. Mostly they do gradually develop some ability to reason, and some interests of their own. It makes holidays and family time so much easier.

You are really in the thick of one of the most difficult stages at the moment because toddlers are stubborn little gits who, much as we love them, tire very quickly, are very demanding, have very limited ability to entertain themselves and mostly cannot be reasoned with. It feels like forever, but in years to come you look back and realise that it was fairly short really. You suddenly realise that you are actually out of that phase on the other side and embarking on the next chapter. You may not even see it happening at the time, it just does.

Maybe your DH feels stuck in that rut. I know we both did. He does have to work on getting through it though and that's why you need to sit him down and talk about it. As you say, you can't just throw the child back because things are different from what you imagined. He must take that on board and not leave you to manage everything alone.

Pscyhologically, having two children is easier than having one in my experience. It shifts the focus away from the parents. Physically, I don't think there is that much difference.

@jamaisvu

You seem to be contradicting yourself. In your original post you say your husband seems to be back tracking on a second child but later on you say it is something you both very much want. Absolutely nothing in your original post sounds even remotely like he wants another. I think you want another despite the fact that your partner is resenting the one you already have. He had a rosy view (men often do) but now he sees years of drudgery, an imploded social life and a money pit ahead whilst his peer group are starting to relax and enjoy the more material benefits of life.

I have to be honest and say I disgree with your point about it not being fair for him to go back on the plan to have 2 children.

It’s completely fair for either a man or woman to change their mind. After having 1 child, that decision is now more informed. It is perfectly acceptable to not want to go through the baby/toddler years again, just as it’s acceptable for a woman to change her mind about having more children because of pregnancy/birth experience.

I do still think age should be taken into consideration as well, as DH would be 50ish.

@donkra I don't think the poster ever said they hated each other, what a strange thing to say.
And I absolutely do believe, that giving a child a sibling is the most wonderful gift in the world, there is no person out there, if they are completely honest that will say that they are completely happy with no siblings, every child wishes for a life long to share life with, it's a basic human want.
There may be people who have siblings that they don't get on with but someone without siblings will always have a wish that they had a brother or sister to share family life with.

My own view is that having more than one later in life is fine 'if' you have a partner totally on the same page and is still flexible and prepared to compromise, is physically well , cheery and open minded , there's plenty of cash around and you are both prepared to pay for help /babysitters OR you have helpful family on the doorstep. When any of these are lacking, it can be a hard slog and can very easily affect the quality of the relationship

I think trying to carve out some time for just the two of you may be beneficial so that he doesn't feel like everything involves a child.

Dh and I have taken days off work together whilst Ds was in nursery. Could you do anything like that? Sometimes it would literally involve dropping him off, coming home and getting back into bed to sleep. Bliss. Less doable when they are in school as you need all that holiday to cover school holidays.

The reality of having children is a relentless groundhog day. But they do get older, they do get more independent and they can play on their own for longer. Toddlers are like tornadoes. Full of energy, it is why we had a mini indoor trampoline the one with the bar so they can burn some of that energy off, plus a rotating disco ball for a mini disco every Friday night.

But it doesn't mean OP is wrong to want her child to have a sibling because there ARE benefits to it.. That's my experience too so why can't I want that for my child - it's not wrong, just like someone who didn't have siblings/doesn't have a good relationship with siblings can choose not to have them for their child..