DH not happy with the reality of family life?

[jamaisvu]

DH and I have a 2 year old child much wanted and we had a long road and struggle to have them. DH has always wanted children, more so than me and was perhaps the main driving force in wanting to have them. He is 8 years older than me (now in his late 40's) and has always seen having children as the main way to bring meaning to his life.

We were so thrilled to finally have a child after tears of delay, trying to conceive and IVF that we both collapsed ourselves into parenthood prepared to just fully immerse ourselves in that experience. We had the usual struggles having a new baby causes and were both often very tired functioning on a minimum of sleep but it was fine and we both were totally in love with our baby.

Recently however DH seems to have begun to resent our child, I often feel like I can't leave him alone with DC too long or he will be in foul mood by the time I get back. DH is starting to get very rigid about our child's sleep routine and he gets very frustrated about their behaviour i.e. testing boundaries, repetitive behaviours, running about and creating general mayhem, just normal two year old stuff but he can't seem to cope with it.

I think the reality of having a child has really hit home for him now and he was saying how we won't have a decent holiday for years now and that so many of his plans are now on hold because he is too tired or occupied with our child to work on them. He is also back tracking on our previous plans to try for another baby from next year. I turn 40 next month and while I know it might not happen I really want to try for another child and at my age time is critical.

I feel frustrated because I think he expected a picture postcard version of family life (don't we all) that would make him feel happy and fulfilled forevermore but its obviously not always like that and you just need to get on with it and appreciate the good things when you can. Perhaps this is normal for parents and will pass as he comes to terms with the reality of life vs his imagined version of it?

Yet.

You may well end up in that place if you push ahead with plans for another child that he fundamentally doesn't want.

Abd don't have another child with a man that can't parent one.

Some of the replies on this are utterly toxic. Keyboard warriors ... :/

Yes, it's utter rubbish to have a different experience or opinion than someone else. Grow up.

Good luck OP

Have to say OP I went through something similar - lots of losses and lots of IVF - had twins and husband of 20 years left within the year as parenting wasn't what he imagined and he didn't feel about his children what he thought he would (and should) and grew to resent them

I think when some men say they want children they’re not actually saying they want to be a hands on equal parent. More like they want to carry on their family line, have the status of father.

The big problem with having children is that you have no idea how they will affect your life and relationship until it is too late.

Many many men and women find the reality of having a child is nowhere near as wonderful as they thought it would be.

No way would I even think of having another baby when your HO feels the way he does

In my DH's case that wasn't what he said at all, I think we both had an unrealistic, rose-tinted view of what life with a child would be like and I think many parents do but he was wanting to be a hands on father and he was for the first year or so and still is but I think he struggles with things not falling into place, with the fact that it is often as struggle to get our child to eat, to sleep etc. Also with doing things he thought would be fun as a family holidays, days out which are often a big struggle and while we imagine DC would be thrilled and loving it they actually end up crying and wanting to do something else.

I'm sure we can all relate to the 2s and 3s being very difficult years - it's so exhausting and mentally challenging. I can understand how the future might look bleak to him right now, but it won't be like this forever. Why don't you have a frank discussion about what it'll be like when your child is 4/5/6, at nursery/school and the things you'll be able to do as a family then? No, your holidays won't be the same as they were pre-kids, but they can still be fun, exciting and adventurous. He'll be able to get much more involved in the parenting and will be able to involve your child in new activities that you can all enjoy.

"Many many men and women find the reality of having a child is nowhere near as wonderful as they thought it would be."

@mydogisthebest I get that, like I say I had unrealistic expectations too but I had to get over that and just get on with it. I try not to have too many expectations and just enjoy the nice things when they happen, I've realised you can't plan for them. Its a mindset shift I had to make and which DH needs to make too because you can't go back once a child is here as you say.

Both Dh and I struggled with this. I eventually came to realise that it's because when you imagine having children, you sort of vaguely understand the baby stage as being very intense but also cute and cuddly and then I think you think back to your own childhood and the things you loved/hated and assume you'll go from the baby stage to that stage and you'll be replicating the good and replacing the bad.

Instead, there's an entire swathe of childhood that we don't remember.

You see it all the time when people say things like, "when I was a child we went to restaurants and I was expected to sit quietly and colour" or whatever. If you remember that, you were at LEAST 4, most likely significantly older. Similarly, people will talk about how much they enjoyed going on walks with their parents, or family holidays or trips to visit mum/dad's work or whatever... but that wasn't when you were 2.

Once you accept this and realise that you have to be patient, it becomes a bit easier. At a practical level, DH and I coped by giving each other a lot of room to be independent/get away/get time out. Sure, we did things as a family, but they were very child centric things because there was really no point in trying to take the DC at that age to our favourite restaurant or to do our favourite activity. The rest of the time, we did stuff separately or, when we could get a babysitter, together.

Bringing another child into this would so clearly be a huge mistake and a very selfish one for the existing child.

If he can’t even manage to care for one child for a few hours how on earth do you think you will cope with two or more?

You are already struggling - given your age it’s not unimaginable that you may have a child with special needs and then what? You have the opportunity to enjoy your child and iron out the issues with your dh. Insisting on more dc when your dh can’t even cope with one is a recipe for disaster.

That's quite sad but probably quite common. The reality of looking after a baby/toddler can really be quite exhausting and relentless.
I will however say, he's late 40s like me. I would struggle with a two year old these days. I would also say its going to get a whole lot easier over the next few years.
Looking after a toddler is full on! Looking after a primary school aged child is a million times easier. It really is.
He says future holidays will be awful but honestly, give it a couple of years and they'll be much easier and more relaxing. I only found holidays with babies and toddlers no fun. Once they were past the toddler stage I really enjoyed holidays again.
I think the main issue here is it might not be wise to have another.

We did IVF and I think you can romanticise life with a child. I think you just need to chat with him and work out a way forward. Like holidays if you can afford them don't need to go but a lot of people would use ones like all inclusive or half board with swimming pool onsite so some of the work is done. It sounds like he misses holidays to me and maybe you all need one. Then day to day is there a way of changing things so that you are together more, like days out together. He does sound depressed and maybe an anti depressant would help if adjusting things doesn't work. But you clearly need a discussion before trying for another baby. At 40 that is likely to not be easy and will be stressful. I do think siblings are good but children can be ok as only children too. If money is an issue a second child can add a lot of costs as they grow.

You wrote we both collapsed ourselves into parenthood prepared to just fully immerse ourselves in that experience.

Eek! Maybe getting a bit of a break for yourselves is needed. Not being so fully immersed is okay! Doesn't mean you love your child less, so a night away from grandparents etc so you two can get away is a good idea.

Maybe you already do these things so I am only going on what you wrote here.

And why does he think he can't go on holidays for years - odd!

@GingerIsBest This is such a good explanation.
I only have one child so far and as she is approaching her third birthday she has become much more pleasant to spend time with. She walks in the right direction at a reasonable speed, and you can somewhat reason with her. She plays with her toys independently for half an hour and can have a conversation. Up until recently I found it all incredibly exhausting and not what I had imagined at all. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. Days out are almost fun again and I can imagine how it will all
keep getting better, until she’s a moody teen who doesn’t want a bar of me!

Its not that he can't go on holiday but that they won't be much fun or what he enjoys, we did do a holiday a couple of months ago and it was awful, we came back more exhausted than ever and Dc was miserable the whole time.

Fair enough but you can do some things as a couple on your own, even one night hotel stay just the two of you to have a break?

My point is do you even have just time to yourselves that you do couple things together, if an evening out for a nice dinner or a movie if you can't do overnight

Honestly, I don't think many people find the toddler years particularly fun, and it's a hard slog. Once they are 5+ years old it gets so much easier, and those 'family moments' that you've been longing for become more of a reality.

Like PPs have mentioned above, we never attempted to do much when our DS was aged 1-4. Maybe a takeaway coffee at our favourite cafe that we would take to the playground. And if the line was long, one of us would have to go ahead with him to the playground, otherwise he'd get fidgety and want to run around the cafe. Definitely no restaurants or days out, they are too young. The moment of revelation came when he turned four and we went out to a pizzeria. He sat in his seat for 1 hour, coloured, was an angel, and ate all his food. DH and I looked at each other like 'We've arrived, hallelujah!'. And then we had another DC... Haha!

You mentioned that you don't have much support - same as me, we live abroad. Spend some time investing in a good babysitter network. Local uni students, or perhaps some friends with kids will do a babysitting 'exchange'? Prioritise date nights, bi-weekly or weekly if possible. We fly my sister over (she's a 2-hour flight away) once a year and she takes the DC for a weekend so we can go away. Ensure you both have time for your hobbies, health etc. Just push through these years and it'll get easier.

My DH never resented our DC, but he definitely didn't enjoy the toddler years. I definitely did a lot of the heavy lifting with discipline, dealing with the meltdowns etc. However, my DS is now 5 and I watched them play baseball in the garden yesterday for over an hour, both of them having an amazing time. He takes him to every football training and match and they get burgers afterwards. He reads to him every night. Such beautiful father-son bonding moments. I think your DH can get there.

OP you need to sit down with him and have it out, find out how you can best work together on this.

Your child is at a difficult stage but won't be like that forever, but letting this stuff fester between you may mean that resentment sets in. Both of you need to be a team here, and rely on eachother to get through the tough times.

Although if he is someone who has a history of giving up on stuff if it doesn't meet his expectations that's problematic - he needs to grow up a bit and realise his negativity is also affecting you.

Also with doing things he thought would be fun as a family holidays, days out which are often a big struggle and while we imagine DC would be thrilled and loving it they actually end up crying and wanting to do something else

So true - but, the thing to take from this is to be more child centred (this stage doesn't last forever) and reframe your expectations.

Think about what your child does enjoy, how tolerant they are of being out of routine etc and remember they aren't you - they are their own person with their own wants and needs and they're very new people, so not very empathetic about your needs and not necessarily able to articulate their own yet! The toddler years are great fun if you look through them with toddler -glasses! My DD would have been happy noodling about at home, playing in the garden every day. She didn't enjoy being away from home - even visiting grandparents wasn't enjoyable for long. Eating out was hard because she'd eat very little and then want to be off.
Happy to say she got better but it took a few years.

Its not that he can't go on holiday but that they won't be much fun or what he enjoys, we did do a holiday a couple of months ago and it was awful, we came back more exhausted than ever and Dc was miserable the whole time.

OP, that's completely normal! Holidays with young children are really hard. It's a huge change in routine, different food/bedtime etc., and you have none of the creature comforts or toys of home. After a disastrous weekend city trip when DS was 2, we vowed to never travel with the DC until they were older. We've done a few farm-stay type holidays, and we stay with my parents in Italy in the summer (they live there) but then the grandparents are on hand to help, so we actually get a break. Otherwise, forget it.

I have but i love my siblings