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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating a man who has supervised contact centre visitation... red flag?

183 replies

DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 13:12

Just that really.
Would a man who has contact centre visitation strike up a red flag to you?
Would you do your utmost to find out as much as possible about it?

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 02/10/2023 21:31

Oh ffs I've just read the thread.
Why not say what the issue is upfront.

littlebopeepp234 · 02/10/2023 21:56

Theonlywayisup1 · 02/10/2023 21:29

My brothers ex wife, who is constantly under the eye of SS, is an alcoholic and a drug user, and who is bitter due to her having an affair, getting pregnant by someone else and then my brother leaving her, made my brother see his daughter through a contact centre. He did so until they could see he was absolutely a fit parent. That was nearly 10 years ago, she still to this day causes nothing but trouble for both him and our entire family. Sadly if any accusations are put out there, quite rightly they need to protect the child, but not all cases are a case of the visiting parent being the problem.

As per the op’s update, the man in question in the op’s thread is dangerous to children and has physically assaulted op’s child who was an infant at the time hence why he has supervised contact in a contact centre!

Also as I have said earlier in this post, you get bitter exes yes, but a court will not grant supervised access due to a ‘bitter’ ex making up lies. There has to be solid evidence to suggest someone should only have supervised access at a contact centre!

Katypp · 02/10/2023 23:15

littlebopeepp234 · 02/10/2023 21:56

As per the op’s update, the man in question in the op’s thread is dangerous to children and has physically assaulted op’s child who was an infant at the time hence why he has supervised contact in a contact centre!

Also as I have said earlier in this post, you get bitter exes yes, but a court will not grant supervised access due to a ‘bitter’ ex making up lies. There has to be solid evidence to suggest someone should only have supervised access at a contact centre!

Edited
Show quote history

Did you seems post earlier? My husband had to see his children in a contact centre so the ex would be accountable and have less opportunity to mess around with contact. This waxs documented on the paperwork. I imagine his case was unusual as his ex was such a nightmare but nevertheless it's certainly not always true that there was to be solid evidence of wrong doing against the non-resident parent to justify a contact centre.
Not saying this is the case here at all, just trying to balance the usual assumptions that there's no smoke without fire etc

Soopermum1 · 02/10/2023 23:23

Similar situation. Ex chose not to see DD for 4 years, abuse to both DC ( but chose to continue to see the elder one and emotionally abuse him.) Abuse to me. 2 years in court, everything documented. Saw DD in a contact centre. In those 4 years he's had at least 3 girlfriends, one of whom got pregnant. As far as I know doesn't see the baby. The most recent girlfriend jumped at the chance to see DD at supervised contact in the community (supervised by the contact centre.) there wasn't room in the car for them all so she walked 25 minutes there and back from the centre to the park they were visiting.

Now they play happy families in the short amounts of time he has access. Even the fact that ex has since assaulted DD at school pick up, and was reported to social services by the school doesn't seem to have put her off.

She had 2 children, one very vulnerable. He now lives with them (in her house, naturally)I absolutely despair. But she has gone into this with her eyes wide open.

CircleofWillis · 02/10/2023 23:38

So many domestic abusers about and yet somehow it is never our brothers our best friend's partner our boss' lovely husband or our old school friend. They are the exceptions who have been severely maligned and mistreated by evil exes and the authorities. It really makes you wonder where all the real abusers are who leave black eyes, broken bones, abused children and broken lives in their wake because we never seem to know them... 🤔

littlebopeepp234 · 03/10/2023 04:35

Katypp · 02/10/2023 23:15

Did you seems post earlier? My husband had to see his children in a contact centre so the ex would be accountable and have less opportunity to mess around with contact. This waxs documented on the paperwork. I imagine his case was unusual as his ex was such a nightmare but nevertheless it's certainly not always true that there was to be solid evidence of wrong doing against the non-resident parent to justify a contact centre.
Not saying this is the case here at all, just trying to balance the usual assumptions that there's no smoke without fire etc

Show quote history

Your husband’s case indeed is a very unusual and rare case, however, the op in this thread has updated to say the man in question in her op is dangerous hence why he only has contact via a contact centre.

Katypp · 03/10/2023 06:37

@littlebopeepp234 yes I realise that and I did say that was not the case here. I just always feel duty bound to post on threads like these that sometimes- albeit rarely - there are reasons why men have to see their children in a cc/do not see the children that have nothing to do with his behavior. Our judge said the ex was one if the most unreasonable people he had ever dealt with 😞

femfemlicious · 03/10/2023 07:00

Worddance · 02/10/2023 13:34

Yes it usually would although at the moment I know someone who cannot see his child in any other way. His ex becomes so abusive at handover that a social worker advised contact centre only for the child's sake.The only contact centre offers a group play session - structured and supervised. That's what he has to do and it does look misleading.

Sounds strange, they can't get someone else to do the handover?. Did you see the paperwork yourself?

femfemlicious · 03/10/2023 07:04

mindutopia · 02/10/2023 13:40

Cognitive dissonance. My mum dated and then married a man who she knew did not have contact with either of his children. She has shouted for years about the horrors of parental alienation and how his ex-wife had turned the kids against him because she wanted more money in the financial settlement.

All the while, she knew 100% that the reason he did not have contact with his children is because he was convicted of sexually abusing one of them, and they both cut him out of their lives as soon as the abuse was disclosed (they were late teens at this time). She both knew the real reason, but couldn't not tell everyone who would listen this made up story that painted him as Dad of the Year who was wronged by the court system and a money-grabbing ex-wife. Complete cognitive dissonance.

I suspect this woman both knows he's a bit of a shit dad, but also believes his stories too, and the only way to deal with it all is just to keep her head down and plough on with the relationship.

That is horrific 😭. How could she?

femfemlicious · 03/10/2023 07:22

DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 14:29

Might I add at the time, shamefully I stood back and did nothing and didn't protect our daughter from him. I left him before he ended up killing someone and it was with the help of the authorities

You definitely need to let social services know. Let them handle it. Then your conscience will be clear

AbbeyGailsParty · 03/10/2023 07:54

Go to SS with all the info and evidence you have, Claire’s Law disclosure, sm posts from exes. Give them current gf address, school her children attend if possible and hopefully they will safeguard the children.
Oppose her supervising contact of course.

Zanatdy · 03/10/2023 08:02

Yes, I couldn’t date someone with supervised contact. Of course he’ll say his ex has made up lies etc but I just wouldn’t risk it

DWSDB · 03/10/2023 08:31

I’m not sure why it won’t let me reply to a particular comment but there are a hell of a lot of abusive men out there who leave black eyes etc. The majority who are accused are guilty, however there’s a handful who aren’t.

OP I one million percent believe you. It’s a horrible situation to be in. Report anonymously if you don’t feel it will put you at risk but always put you and baby girl first. I suggest telling your social worker as she has a duty of care

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 03/10/2023 09:52

I am of course depicted as the psychotic bitch bitter scorned ex that is jealous and preventing him from seeing his daughter. He made me culpable for domestic abuse during proceedings and said he had been abused by me and I was a narcissist. The projection was almost incredulous.

What I will say is whilst I do agree there is a VERY small minority of parents (not limited to just fathers) that do have contact centre supervision because of either being absent and to re-establish relationships, or because to essentially "keep the peace", what I have found is the court deal with FACTS.

There was significantly damaging evidence against my ex regarding his abuse of DD, it was in black and white and the court couldn't ignore it.

He's had contact centre imposed on him for a number of years now, it's not like it has been 6 months and it's suddenly gone to unsupervised etc. We've had a number of different professionals state it's not appropriate to have unsupervised. He refuses to take any accountability for his actions, plays the victim, projects and minimises.

I can be absolutely certain he has told his new partner I am the abuser.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 03/10/2023 11:47

Can you apply for a clares law and get it sent to her address? If she doesn't know, perhaps receiving and reading that will make her sit up and start looking into him more.

I know you don't want to cause issues by reporting to ss, but what issues are you afraid of? Do you think he would harm you or dd? How would he know it was you who reported? You say previous partners have also filed reports against him, so he may not be able to determine it was you.

But, just think how you would feel if you found out he had seriously hurt or even caused the death of one of those other children?
If you can't report to SS, at least try and think of a way of getting some of this information to his now partner, so she can take actions to protect her dc.

GingerIsBest · 03/10/2023 11:51

I can be absolutely certain he has told his new partner I am the abuser.

I always find this quite amusing. All these men who claim their wives were abusive, toxic, narcissistic, manipulative etc... and yet isn't it odd how none of them are fighting tooth and nail to get their children away from these terrible women!?

If you believe exBIL, not just SIL but our ENTIRE family are abusive and toxic and all the rest of it. And he regularly threatens to report the lot of us to social services. And yet... the only one who has physically threatened anyone is him. The only one who has regularly and consistently not turned up is him etc etc.

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 03/10/2023 11:58

I have reported to the named professional the situation regarding him living with a new partner and having unsupervised access to her children.
The professional noted she has a professional duty of care to report to Social Services and they will make a referral and not disclose the source of information.
What will Social Services do? ........

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 03/10/2023 12:02

Would be useful to know from anyone who works in children's services or social workers what steps SS would take with this type of referral?
What if they don't identify the children are immediately at risk?
If the new partner is fully aware of his colourful background then what then?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 03/10/2023 12:08

DilemmaEmma2 · 03/10/2023 12:02

Would be useful to know from anyone who works in children's services or social workers what steps SS would take with this type of referral?
What if they don't identify the children are immediately at risk?
If the new partner is fully aware of his colourful background then what then?

I believe the new girlfriend is told that her DC will be removed if she does not end things. I know of a woman this happened to. She had a lot of trouble believing the allegations but she did end the relationship.

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 03/10/2023 12:12

TheShellBeach · 03/10/2023 12:08

I believe the new girlfriend is told that her DC will be removed if she does not end things. I know of a woman this happened to. She had a lot of trouble believing the allegations but she did end the relationship.

Show quote history

Is it as clear cut as this?
What if there is no immediate harm to the children? is him living with them classed as a risk?

OP posts:
Namerequired · 03/10/2023 12:13

DilemmaEmma2 · 03/10/2023 12:02

Would be useful to know from anyone who works in children's services or social workers what steps SS would take with this type of referral?
What if they don't identify the children are immediately at risk?
If the new partner is fully aware of his colourful background then what then?

If he’s deemed to be at risk to these children which I assume he will be, their mum will be approached and told they aren’t to be around him at all or alone depending. The children may be put on the at risk register and ss will keep an eye on them. If she goes against this or refuses to agree then they can be removed. It’s right that it was reported.

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 03/10/2023 12:21

I presume his violent history with me, previous ex partners, 3 non-molestation orders (1 from me, 1 from ex partner and 1 from ex partners current partner), court findings, supervised contact and his extensive criminal record will make him a risk to his new partner and her children?
Would SS really ask her to end the relationship even if he's not harmed her children?
Sorry if I am being obtuse, I just want to understand as now of course feel very jittery that I have reported this to a professional.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 03/10/2023 12:27

DilemmaEmma2 · 03/10/2023 12:21

I presume his violent history with me, previous ex partners, 3 non-molestation orders (1 from me, 1 from ex partner and 1 from ex partners current partner), court findings, supervised contact and his extensive criminal record will make him a risk to his new partner and her children?
Would SS really ask her to end the relationship even if he's not harmed her children?
Sorry if I am being obtuse, I just want to understand as now of course feel very jittery that I have reported this to a professional.

They aren’t going to wait until the children are harmed, if he’s a significant risk to the children (rather than just her) then he won’t be allowed around them. Same if he harms her around them as obviously that harms them.
Ideally she will split with him when she’s given the information. I can’t remember if you said they live together? She can carry on seeing him, just not with the children present. Often in these situations unfortunately if they choose to stay, the mother will lie. If however it’s found out the children are around the partner then she can be deemed unable or unwilling to safeguard them and the children can be removed.

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 03/10/2023 12:28

They do live together.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 03/10/2023 12:30

Well that can’t continue if he’s a risk to the children. She will have to choose. Let’s hope she makes the right choice.