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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating a man who has supervised contact centre visitation... red flag?

183 replies

DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 13:12

Just that really.
Would a man who has contact centre visitation strike up a red flag to you?
Would you do your utmost to find out as much as possible about it?

OP posts:
SafferUpNorth · 02/10/2023 15:00

whenindoubtgotothelibrary · 02/10/2023 14:55

In these circumstances I'd be a psycho bitch ex and contact social services. No man who has abused a child or reached the supervised contact threshhold should be moving in with another woman and her children.

YEP, or this. Or both. Contact SS and try to warn the new partner.

Dogfureverywhere · 02/10/2023 15:13

Application via Claire's law

Stealthtax · 02/10/2023 15:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 15:46

well, I've seen enough situations on MN were posters come on here to ask about similar situations but totally and completely disregard all the posters yelling about red flags. They consistently don't believe that their men could possibly lie to them.

SO I feel confident he's lying to her. She might not even know about your DD. She might think that you're a psucho bitch who insists that he can only see your DD at your house. She might believe that he's pursuing more contact. Who knows what he's told her.

Personally, I'd be considering reporting him but I don't know who you would take this to.

Katypp · 02/10/2023 15:55

DWSDB · 02/10/2023 14:39

It is a major red flag BUT you’ll be surprised how many men have to go through contact because there is an arsehole mother.

my boss’s lovely partner is always in an ongoing court battle because of his jealous ex stopping contact for no reason or for making allegations against him that are always unfounded. (Apparently he stalked her when he was out of the country for the month). He had to have supervised contact due to allegations made a few times that never came to fruition.

My best friend had to go through something similar because of allegations made by their mother which have been proved to be false.

I work in social care and unfortunately see cases similar from time to time. I completely get where you’re coming from because it sounds like he’s horrible and it’s hard to see why others would even consider it. But I suppose on rare occasions when the above happens, it makes it harder to know

I would save your breath.
No-one wants to know

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 15:56

So.. for context.
When I left him, I did a Claires Law disclosure and found out all manner of disturbing things about him.

I located two of his exes on social media and spoke to them both, both told me not to allow him near children. One in particular had a child that wasn't his but said his idea of discipline is dangerous.

I also spoke to his mum and younger sister and both of them told me how dangerous he is. His mum told me he's dead to her and he's evil.

So.... I'm pretty sure he's not been truthful to her.. he may have indicated he's having supervised contact but not given any context. I also worry about her 2 children too.

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 16:02

Bananalanacake · 02/10/2023 13:56

How long have they been in a serious, committed relationship? Is she one of those desperate women who moves a strange man in with her DC having known him less than a year.

Yes. 9 months exactly.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 02/10/2023 16:04

I would run as fast and as far as I could from this man, and I wouldn't look back.

mathanxiety · 02/10/2023 16:07

I see I'm a day late and a dollar short, as they say.

I'd contact the children's school safeguarding lead and contact the NSPCC or local social services.

VesperLind · 02/10/2023 16:10

airofkfoeksowlwomfo · 02/10/2023 13:50

It would be a huge red flag for me.

I also wouldn’t date a man who barely saw his kids or didn’t pay maintenance, yet my ex-husband never seems to be single. 🤷🏽‍♀️

My XH is that man who didn’t see or pay towards his DC and indeed spent a great deal of money fighting all attempts to make him do so. His second wife couldn’t marry him fast enough, and continued to support his actions for 12 years. It’s incomprehensible that society largely turns a blind eye to these behaviours.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 02/10/2023 16:10

DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 14:28

He has supervised visits because of domestic abuse and he had been found to be abusive to our daughter physically (severely) and emotionally. She was an infant at the time.

Then you need to notify social services that he is a risk to her children and ask the police about a Claire's Law disclosure to the new girlfriend.

Don't try to speak to her yourself as you will be easily dismissed as the crazy ex.

DWSDB · 02/10/2023 16:21

You’ll be surprised to know I have been, unfortunately it’s a fact of life.

through work I’ve known a lot of abusive evil men, I’ve also met a lot of manipulative women (absolutely not what I’m saying about OP as I said above he sounds evil). But cases have been dropped on both of these examples and on the first one, if she continues the child will be removed from her care as the police and judge have seen through it.

I’m not saying that the woman whose decided to be with him isn’t stupid for doing it but that it’s not always so black and white

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 16:33

DWSDB · 02/10/2023 16:21

You’ll be surprised to know I have been, unfortunately it’s a fact of life.

through work I’ve known a lot of abusive evil men, I’ve also met a lot of manipulative women (absolutely not what I’m saying about OP as I said above he sounds evil). But cases have been dropped on both of these examples and on the first one, if she continues the child will be removed from her care as the police and judge have seen through it.

I’m not saying that the woman whose decided to be with him isn’t stupid for doing it but that it’s not always so black and white

Unless he's totally lying to her - eg says he doesn't have children, or she thinks he's off having lovely days out with the DD etc - the reality is that no one should be moving anyone in with their children without doing a due diligence. This applies to men and women.

So whether the man or woman is blaming the crazy psycho ex, there are routes to check on this and to get a better sense for yourself.

I don't really understand this, "well, sometimes women ARE psycho so you can't really blame the girlfriend for not spotting the red flags" mindset.

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 16:40

I haven't reported them to SS because I don't want it to be twisted into a malicious report which is likely what it'll be

OP posts:
littlebopeepp234 · 02/10/2023 16:41

DWSDB · 02/10/2023 16:21

You’ll be surprised to know I have been, unfortunately it’s a fact of life.

through work I’ve known a lot of abusive evil men, I’ve also met a lot of manipulative women (absolutely not what I’m saying about OP as I said above he sounds evil). But cases have been dropped on both of these examples and on the first one, if she continues the child will be removed from her care as the police and judge have seen through it.

I’m not saying that the woman whose decided to be with him isn’t stupid for doing it but that it’s not always so black and white

Well that’s for the courts to decide. As you can see, In the op’s case if you read her update then you will see that the man in question is dangerous and only has supervised contact for a reason. Whilst I’m sure there are very manipulative mothers in the world who are happy to cause their ex’s as much headache as possible, I imagine it is extremely rare for someone to be granted only supervised access in a contact centre based just on hearsay and she said / he said scenarios. I do not think it’s wise to post that that the op may be wrong as “it’s not always the case as some women are manipulative” on a post like this due to the nature of the topic being discussed - it kind of downplays the concerns people who may be in similar situations may have and they may not think that someone being granted supervised access is a great deal because one poster said women can be manipulative too! It is extremely rare for anyone to be able to manipulate the courts in such a way without proof that they feel one party can only have supervised access. So yes some women can be manipulative and stop contact for spiteful reasons, however usually when this goes to court then the truth generally comes out by means of evidence.

The more people who sing from the same hymn sheet as far as abuse and violence against women and children the better. As someone who’s child may potentially be a victim may read such posts and think “oh yes maybe that poster is right, I will give him the benefit of the doubt and let him near my children”.

TheShellBeach · 02/10/2023 16:43

DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 16:40

I haven't reported them to SS because I don't want it to be twisted into a malicious report which is likely what it'll be

For the sake of her children you must report this.

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 16:46

Sadly, although being the bitter and manipulative ex is the safer option. I wish what I was saying wasn't true... but it is. Believe me, this isn't the life I wanted for our daughter.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 02/10/2023 17:27

Huge red flag and no I wouldn't do my utmost to find out as much as possible because we wouldn't be dating any longer.

DWSDB · 02/10/2023 17:52

The question was why do women trust these men - the answer is because there’s a handful of women who do what women are always accused of so it makes it easier to believe the man. She’s probably also got very low self esteem.

OP keep reporting it, ultimately it is her choice - a very bad one- but she will probably assume that you are what he says you are until she has seen it with her own eyes.

Universalsnail · 02/10/2023 17:56

Massive red flag and I would run a mile. Don't believe his inevitable sob story about his "crazy ex."

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 18:00

Ohhbaby · 02/10/2023 14:59

And no decent mom would stand back and allow her husband to severely physically hurt her infant daughter

Show quote history

Exactly, yet she is judging this woman? Hmm

littlebopeepp234 · 02/10/2023 18:01

DWSDB · 02/10/2023 17:52

The question was why do women trust these men - the answer is because there’s a handful of women who do what women are always accused of so it makes it easier to believe the man. She’s probably also got very low self esteem.

OP keep reporting it, ultimately it is her choice - a very bad one- but she will probably assume that you are what he says you are until she has seen it with her own eyes.

Some people are just naive and will believe anything that is said to them, I was one of those silly naive young women in my 20s that went against my own friends and family’s advice not to marry my ex because they could see what I couldn’t.

Nowadays, having had to go through the court process myself, if someone came to me, whether they are a man or a woman and said “my ex is psycho and stopped me seeing the kids” followed by “my ex lied and made it so that I can only have supervised access in court because of his/ her lies” then I would be wondering what their ex’s side of the story would be because I know that courts wouldn’t rule supervised access for no reason

bellac11 · 02/10/2023 18:03

You can report the children anonymously, phrase it that you know of x and x children who are living with a man that you know has been violent and abusive to his own child. It could be anyone reporting that, a mutual friend, his family etc etc

avocadotofu · 02/10/2023 18:17

Absolutely definitely avoid!!

MariePaperRoses · 02/10/2023 18:27

Some women don't care. It's called putting 'cock before kids.'