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Original poster

Dating a man who has supervised contact centre visitation... red flag?

183 replies

DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 13:12

Just that really.
Would a man who has contact centre visitation strike up a red flag to you?
Would you do your utmost to find out as much as possible about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 18:34

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 18:00

Exactly, yet she is judging this woman? Hmm

Show quote history

I agree. However, ultimately i left and you clearly haven't been a highly abusive relationship where you're scared of someone's every move and your fight or flight responses don't kick in.

I have no excuse for not protecting her during my relationship with him. I learnt the hard way.
I am doing my utmost now to keep her safe and protected.

OP posts:
EllaMaeve · 02/10/2023 18:36

DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 13:12

Just that really.
Would a man who has contact centre visitation strike up a red flag to you?
Would you do your utmost to find out as much as possible about it?

I would still find out more about him.

A relative sees his DD in a contact centre, because that is what his ex wife demands. She cut contact, messed about with-holding contact, delayed court cases and nice because of the distant relationship between this man and his child, the contact, supervised is in place to help rebuild the relationship in a supportive environment.

This man is a primary school teacher, full DBS and has agreed to this to see his child.

YoBeaches · 02/10/2023 18:40

So what's the deal with his application to move supervision to his new partner? Have you got solicitor etc in place to block this?

Rather than worry about her, what are you doing about this....?

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 18:58

DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 18:34

I agree. However, ultimately i left and you clearly haven't been a highly abusive relationship where you're scared of someone's every move and your fight or flight responses don't kick in.

I have no excuse for not protecting her during my relationship with him. I learnt the hard way.
I am doing my utmost now to keep her safe and protected.

Show quote history

And maybe she feels the same? You are basically judging her when you did it yourself, makes no sense.

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 19:15

YoBeaches · 02/10/2023 18:40

So what's the deal with his application to move supervision to his new partner? Have you got solicitor etc in place to block this?

Rather than worry about her, what are you doing about this....?

Of course I have!!

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 19:17

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 18:58

And maybe she feels the same? You are basically judging her when you did it yourself, makes no sense.

Show quote history

Not particularly.
She's let a new partner move in with her and her children without findings out about him. That's the bit I'm judging...

OP posts:
Missingmyusername · 02/10/2023 19:19

Justcallmebebes · 02/10/2023 13:27

Unfortunately, there are plenty of women out there with extremely low bars

^This.
It’s not a red flag- it’s a bloody bright red wall smacking you in the face!

WingingItSince1973 · 02/10/2023 19:25

I would absolutely contact social services. Similar happened in our family. The dad met another girl and they had a baby despite him being told he could only have supervised access to my dgs because of physical abuse when he was a baby. He didn't want to know as he's such a narcissist and it was his way or no way. My dd did report the new baby to the social services as she was really worried. They had said years before that if he ever did have a baby with someone else and his name was on the birth certificate it would flag up with social services. Like I said slightly different but please let them know. So sorry what happened to you and your daughter x

MrsKeats · 02/10/2023 19:28

A friend of mine is going to marry a man who only saw his kids in a contact centre.
I think she's mad.

Octobermeterreadtime · 02/10/2023 19:34

Sadly I fear she is already pregnant..

yougetthewoodidontlikespiders · 02/10/2023 19:46

You didn't intervene to safeguard your own daughter and now won't do the right thing to safeguard the new potential victims of your ex. I would be disappointed to know you.

Chestnutz · 02/10/2023 19:48

Please let social services know that there are potentially other children in danger. You have an opportunity to help them - please do it.

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 19:51

yougetthewoodidontlikespiders · 02/10/2023 19:46

You didn't intervene to safeguard your own daughter and now won't do the right thing to safeguard the new potential victims of your ex. I would be disappointed to know you.

That's completely out of order.
You have no idea what we went through and how bad things were.

I am scared to report because i know he will know it came from me
Even if it was anonymous. I can't risk the repercussions.

OP posts:
yougetthewoodidontlikespiders · 02/10/2023 19:55

Factually correct. That is exactly what you have said. He was severely physically abusive towards your daughter. I'm sure there were loads of reasons but nothing that excuses not leaving before he laid a finger on her. Now your concerns are would a woman who may or may not know about supervised contact see red flags. Nothing about reporting to safeguard other potential victims. Disappointing.

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 19:59

yougetthewoodidontlikespiders · 02/10/2023 19:55

Factually correct. That is exactly what you have said. He was severely physically abusive towards your daughter. I'm sure there were loads of reasons but nothing that excuses not leaving before he laid a finger on her. Now your concerns are would a woman who may or may not know about supervised contact see red flags. Nothing about reporting to safeguard other potential victims. Disappointing.

You clearly haven't been in an abusive relationship. If you want to judge, then judge away. Nothing will take the guilt I feel away every day that I didn't protect my daughter.
You are nobody to call me disappointing. I left him, started my life with my daughter with absolutely nothing.. all the while whilst being dragged through court with him.
You know nothing.
You'd report and face the repercussions to you and your children would you?

OP posts:
yougetthewoodidontlikespiders · 02/10/2023 20:02

Absolutely have been in an abusive relationship. Plus even if I hadn't. A small child is severely physically abused by someone you know now has access to other children and you will do nothing? I'm not saying your reasons aren't valid. But you weren't the only victim, they were helpless. This doesn't need to happen again.

asterel · 02/10/2023 20:03

yougetthewoodidontlikespiders · 02/10/2023 19:55

Factually correct. That is exactly what you have said. He was severely physically abusive towards your daughter. I'm sure there were loads of reasons but nothing that excuses not leaving before he laid a finger on her. Now your concerns are would a woman who may or may not know about supervised contact see red flags. Nothing about reporting to safeguard other potential victims. Disappointing.

Bit of victim blaming. How morally superior of you to blame women for men’s actions, @yougetthewoodidontlikespiders

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 20:04

I'm not going to report myself. I cannot take the risk to myself or DD5. You don't know him, I do.

I do have a professional involved however and will be mentioning it to them to report.

OP posts:
yougetthewoodidontlikespiders · 02/10/2023 20:07

Victim blaming? Am I blaming the small child for subjecting herself to severe physical abuse? I don't think I have? I also haven't blamed the OP for not leaving when she was a victim. All perfectly understandable and valid I have no doubt. But that's not what I'm talking about. The ex remains entirely responsible for his actions and should have been rightfully punished. But victim blaming? No.

TheShellBeach · 02/10/2023 20:09

DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 20:04

I'm not going to report myself. I cannot take the risk to myself or DD5. You don't know him, I do.

I do have a professional involved however and will be mentioning it to them to report.

That sounds like a good plan, OP.

Biscuitsandpeanuts · 02/10/2023 20:09

Op - your fears are valid, and the repercussions to you and your children of reporting are real. Domestic abuse often doesn't end when the relationship ends when there are children involved.

Do you have a good relationship with the social worker? I would let them know your fears around reporting, they are used to dealing with situations such as these. You and your children deserve a safety and risk management plan around this. Do you have an idva or dv worker? They can also advocate for you around this stuff

bellac11 · 02/10/2023 20:23

DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 20:04

I'm not going to report myself. I cannot take the risk to myself or DD5. You don't know him, I do.

I do have a professional involved however and will be mentioning it to them to report.

Thats exactly the same thing!!!

Original poster
DilemmaEmma2 · 02/10/2023 21:11

bellac11 · 02/10/2023 20:23

Thats exactly the same thing!!!

Show quote history

No its not!!!!!!

OP posts:
Theonlywayisup1 · 02/10/2023 21:29

My brothers ex wife, who is constantly under the eye of SS, is an alcoholic and a drug user, and who is bitter due to her having an affair, getting pregnant by someone else and then my brother leaving her, made my brother see his daughter through a contact centre. He did so until they could see he was absolutely a fit parent. That was nearly 10 years ago, she still to this day causes nothing but trouble for both him and our entire family. Sadly if any accusations are put out there, quite rightly they need to protect the child, but not all cases are a case of the visiting parent being the problem.

YukoandHiro · 02/10/2023 21:30

The biggest possible red flag. Those centres are expensive. He's at them because he's a risk to children. What on Earth would possibly convince you it's worth spending any more of your precious time on him?