What makes somebody a serial cheat?

[TYb]

Why do you think they do it?

Selfishness?
Ego?
Insecurity?
Immaturity?

Just pondering over my cereal why my DC's father was never 'able' to keep it in his pants.

All of those things and more.
Expectations that society tells them they deserve.
Lack of sisterhood
Toxic masculinity
Wanting their cake and eat it.
Fomo.
Communication issues.
Etc.

I think doing it once. It normalises it and once you’ve crossed that line, what’s the point in going back behind it when it’s so much fun to keep cheating.

They can pretend theyre a different person to the OW. You know him and he cant lord it over you. He wants to be idolised.

Low self esteem, entitlement, not valuing monogamy/their partner, lack of integrity, thinking they won't get caught, not caring if they do, believing their partner will forgive them, compartmentalisation, ego boost, variety, because they want to and don't see why they shouldn't?

Loads of reasons.

None of which is anything to do with their partner.

Selfishness.

That was definitely it for my ex. Thing was I knew he was selfish when we married, but I foolishly dismissed it in a no-ones perfect styly. That's how selfishness manifests in a ltr. Inability to think about anything other than what he wanted.

I also think the reasons for serial cheating are generally different to the reasons for having a long term affair (in effect, a second parallel repationship).

a pile of crap where emotional centre of the brain should be :)

cheaters are selfish, they have this childlike mentality of something being forbidden only if they get caught and they don't actually care for others or forge genuine emotional connections

i have never met someone with history of cheating who was not an awful person in others ways too

My ex-h was one of these, the scale of which didn't become apparent until he left to live with the last OW. He loved the chase, especially risky conquests. He had an insatiable appetite for sex which no normal person with children could keep up with (think multiple times every day). He started pestering me again on the way home from hospital with our newborn. He had a porn addiction that I didn't realise was on the very dark side (think bondage, torture) until we had to do financial disclosure and it became apparent he was paying for so many really awful sites.

He was complicated, neurodivergent, was always looking for some utopia that doesn't exist and he'll never find. I discovered he cheated on OW in the early stages of their relationship. His parents were both in marriages that were the result of affairs. He had an unhappy childhood but craved motherly attention from older women. He had a narcissistic personality. I didn't discover the scale of his relationships before me until it was too late. He was a love bomber and utterly charming. The term "nobody falls in love quicker than a narc needing somewhere to live" was made for him. A decade on, I feel pity for him. We have no contact and he doesn't see our son. I can't imagine what he's like now he's in late middle age but I doubt any different. What a crap way to live your life. The one thing he taught me was my judgement is appalling so I choose to remain single because I didn't see a single red flag with him. They are a breed unfortunately.

Goodness me, you are describing DC's father to a tee.

Neurodivergent
Always looking for some utopia that doesn't exist
Porn addiction
Pestering early postpartum

Multiple OW's (who he also cheated on)
Cheating parents (DF married his OW)
Emotional neglect from his DM so sought motherly connection with older women (his last OW woo'd him by doing his laundry and cooking for him) 😂

Like you, I concluded that I have appalling judgement.

*Goodness me, you are describing DC's father to a tee.

Neurodivergent
Always looking for some utopia that doesn't exist
Porn addiction
Pestering early postpartum

Multiple OW's (who he also cheated on)
Cheating parents (DF married his OW)
Emotional neglect from his DM so sought motherly connection with older women (his last OW woo'd him by doing his laundry and cooking for him) 😂

Like you, I concluded that I have appalling judgement*

@TYb Good God, yes the cooking thing! OW was a feeder and he became very overweight very quickly. So weird. I wouldn't be surprised if there were other children dotted around too. He had no intention of staying married to me (15 years all in) and I fell pregnant because he practised "stealthing". I now wonder if getting a woman pregnant and fucking off was his way of "spreading his genes". Regardless, it's actually terrifying that people behave like this. I'm far from stupid but he fooled me! Sorry you've been through this too

I'm gonna be hated for this...But

Why should we be limited to being with one person?

Such a societal and human condition.

I completely understand it is deemed as wrong and I don't subscribe to it. But....

Women cheat as much as men.

Everybody is different and wants different things from life. Society and rules condition us to think it is wrong.

It takes a village to raise a child, in many tribes they don't even know who the father is.

Not condoning cheating. I just find it fascinating that it's an actual thing that humans need that loyalty.

No one is this thread is saying that monogamy is the only ethical way to have relationships and those who enter relationships being upfront and honest about their views on multiple partners are not cheaters. Cheaters are those people who pretend to want/need monogamous relationships but then behave dishonestly to develop relationships elsewhere.

I think cheaters are emotionally disabled in some way.

Eh? Then don't. This thread is about people who commit to being with one person. Then don't.
Absolutely obviously, if you don't want to commit to one person, then don't.

Because when people show you who they are others choose not to believe them

@arethereanyleftatall

Okay. I'm rambling on a bit. Lack of sleep 😂

. I now wonder if getting a woman pregnant and fucking off was his way of "spreading his genes".

DSis first ex was as serial cheat - but only got two women pg his father - bio dad he had serval step dads - was a serial cheat but when DSis had his next GC was already on his 12th women to have a baby with - always left them few years after as well.

here is an example of how cheating works:

it is socially less and less acceptable to wear real furs

cheating is like proclaiming loud and proud that you will never wear animal fur and in fact you're a vegan...and then having little buffalo bill dance moment wearing mink coat

just don't lie

Based on the serial cheaters I have known, I think it's mainly about their ego and the excitement of getting away with it. They feel very clever to have been able to a) persuade the OW/OM to embark on the affair (I think often overcoming the OW/OM's initial reluctance is part of the excitement), b) hide it from their partner and often also c) persuade specific friends/colleagues etc to help them hide it (I know one who definitely went out of his way to make sure that one or 2 people knew and were 'on his side'.

The worst one I know of actually seemed to get a kick from his wife finding out and being able to persuade her to stay with him (usually making her feel that she was partly to blame for the situation). I think this was about ego too- it made him feel that he was so incredible that women would put up with anything just to be able to stay with him. Although he always claimed that he 'just fell for' the OW, I don't think he ever had any intention of leaving his wife for them as that would mean running the risk that they wouldn't let him get away with cheating on them.

@PaintedEgg

What I'm saying is...What is cheating. At what point did we make up this rule.

My thoughts are it comes from the church and the vows.

My point being...50 years ago, you couldn't be gay, also probably came from the bible.

So who is to say that in the future the landscape on how people perceive relationships will be different.

I agree with the above.

Cheating is very different to being openly non monogamous. I have nothing against people who want/have open relationships, they're not hurting anybody if their partners are fully informed.

Cheaters hurt people.

I think, maybe that's the main thing. I tried that once. Not for me, at this moment, but it did, after my previous relationship, open me up to be honest with new partners.

I had great communication with her and it made me realise how IMPORTANT communication is in a relationship.

Many cheaters are not able to relate to partners as whole people in their own right. Their partner is usually viewed in a very one dimensional way as an archetype. So in the examples above the men were drawn to and possibly believed they were in love with caregivers. But in their head the woman was only a caregiver. Once the woman shows other aspects of her personality the cheater feels like he has been mislead and has a right to look elsewhere. The original woman now morphs into another one-dimensional archetype....like a "nag" or a "psycho".

They are also usually unable to take responsibility for their own feelings. An emotionally healthy person would tell a partner, I don't love you anymore and I want to leave. So they need to create in their own heads a reason or excuse for cheating. Many don't realise they can't connect to a partner as a whole person, so they go through life continuously falling into a pattern of falling in love, realising the person isn't "perfect", cheating, and round and round.

Lots of cheaters have a really unhealthy relationship with the notion of blame, shame and guilt. It might be that they were hyper criticised as a child and their psyche can no longer cope with shame, so they deflect it where possible.

cheating is whatever people agree to in a relationship - and ironically, people who are most bothered about being cheated on are those who themselves cheat. ask those guys why they mind

Read my other comment.

I'm not going to get into an argument. I'd prefer a discussion

The thing with the " Why should humans be limited to monogamy?" narrative is that serial cheating is not caused by monogamy.
It is every boundary of a functional relationship, whether monogamous or polygamous that a chest lives to break.

Serial cheats have a large spiteful streak, like a child who pushes another without knowing that if somebody falls the wrong way, it can end up very badly.
Anecdotally, I know of no serial cheat that doesn't have expectations of monogamy from the person that they cheat with ( if not similarly partnered), much less their main partner.
And in today's world, monogamy can be swerved. The problem for cheats is that there is no such thing as an intimate relationship without conditions, no matter how many people are involved in the relationship.
There are too many women in Africa who are wives in poly situations who got HIV from the husband who with more than one, two, three wives still stepped out and cheated and brought disease to his homes.
Non monogamous relationships does not mean "free for all".
That's some boho/ rasta shit and we all know the dysfunction, misogyny, abuse, unaccounted for/ favouritised children bullshit that too often ensues from those situations, especially when money and PR cannot finesse the fuckry into being aspirational for those without a steady identity.
And a good enough cheat ( Bob Marley for example) can even manage to cause shock amongst the most conditioned to be PickMe
women from cultures where " Bun haffi gwaan".