What the fuck do I do about H treating my son like this?

[whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH]

My H does love his children,.. He also has autism. And, bluntly, the iteration of autism in him is a toxic combination when it comes to being a parent. He has very, very little mindsight, a very rigid and inflexible approach, a strong belief he is right, no apparent ability to learn from his mistakes, largely because he never admits to making a mistake in the first place. He also has extremely poor emotional regulation. It doesn't matter how bad things get in his relationship, with me or now with his children, it is always someone else who is the problem. Nothing, NOTHING, makes his reflect that perhaps his behaviour is contributing to the problem.

My eldest son (older junior school age) has real eating problems and always has. He has failed to grow and is now the size of a child 3 /4 years younger than him. He has been seeing a paediatrician about this and is now on the waiting list for another. Everyone we have seen about his eating throughout his life, paediatrican, paediatric dietician, health visitor, everyone, has said the same, ' 'Don't make mealtimes stressful.' My son seems to just not be interested in food, and very out of touch with his appetite. He is prepared to be hungry rather than eat. I suspect he has a baseline of usually being hungry and so does not really notice he is, as well as a small stomach from chronic undereating. He is also very sensory sensitive, which probably does not help. He has never had a hungry phase related to a growth spurt and he has never had a growth spurt. He has never shown interest in what anyone else is eating. His diet is limited but he does eat a range of foods from all major food groups.

His Dad's strategy is to make food and then become very angry if he does not eat it. I have just had to go downstairs to intervene as my son was screaming at the top of his voice, ' Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!' as his Dad was trying to physical restrain him in his seat, whilst yelling at our son to eat. When I speak to his Dad about this he claims he is not making mealtimes stressful. If my son isn't eating he will become angry and start yelling about all the work he put in, start yelling about how he needs to eat and just go on and on. He will then insist he is not making mealtimes stressful. I have shown him a thread on here from people who said their parents were like this and the terrible effect it had on them, but I doubt he even remembers me showing him that. He never remembers anything that doesn't shore up his own narrative.

Nothing makes a difference to his Dad's approach.

You may have more power in this situation than you think, OP. It might be worth speaking to Women's Aid, or even a solicitor if you have access to some money.

In the meantime, I think you must put your foot down and tell your husband that he is not to come mear the children while they are eating. At all. If he has a tantrum about this, let him. You are protecting your children here; they are more important than your appalling husband.

A child with eating issues is a nightmare so you have my sympathy. I just had two thoughts that may or not help.

First, you say your husband denies that there is a problem because he can't see it. Could you agree with him that next time he starts raging you film it on your phone so you can play it back and discuss with him when he's calmer? Might he see it then. If you don't think he would gofor this thenperhaps you need to start recording anyway to build up the case why he shouldn't get 50:50 custody.

Secondly is there a decent pastoral member of staff at the DC's school that you could talk to - say that you think that your husband is being abusive (physical restraint etc) and that SS say there is no help for autistic parents - school may be able to access help and/or know of other parenting courses.

What about if you set up a camera to film it and then went to them asking for help in dealing with an autistic parent who is physically and emotionally abusing your tiny, malnourished, defenceless child? Do you think that they might say there's help out there for your poor son, then?

Nothing like a video of a child being abused to a. get the abuser out, b. get the abuser not being awarded primary custody, c. getting the child protected rather than helplessly allowing it to continue.

Hi Op.

I have been where you are.

Strategies I tried:

I told him that the paediatrician had said that only one adult should be involved with the child with eating issues to ensure consistency and that I thought it should be me. In my case I did weekday mealtimes so this was logical. He accepted that.

This did mean I had to cook at the weekends, however we changed the weekend meals to be
Breakfast - get your own cereal
Lunch - selection of bread, cheese, fruit, veg
I cooked the evening meals.

I got my son to agree to try a new food every week and we went to the supermarket and he chose it. Once at home he then tried it, usually as part of a lunch meal and talking sbout how it tasted. He didn't have to eat it all, just taste it.

I had two kids so we started cookery school at the weekends. I told them that when they were grown up it would be really useful to be able to cook and I was aiming to teach them 10 recipes by that time.

We ate pasta bake every Saturday night for about 6 weeks and then moved onto other easy stuff. It wasn't a miracle cure with his eating but he did think more about food and recipes he would like to eat.

I deconstructed the weekday meals. So no stir fries, but for example I'd put out noodles, stir-fried broccoli, stir fried chicken and the sauce. People then assembled their own out of what they wanted.

My ExH did see that the strategies were working. Not quickly, but six months later my son was eating more and more varied foods and a year later he was much better.

@whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH I could have written every single one of your posts. I stuck it out because I was so scared of my ex husband having unsupervised contact - he could come across as so nice and such a caring dad and husband (and, weirdly, in some ways he was. He just couldn't cope in the same way that your husband can't cope). This was a fair while ago now. If I were back in that situation, I would now recognise that this is abuse (not autism - even if autism is the background to it) and - importantly - other people would recognise this too. At the time, abuse was much less well recognised so it was harder to recognise it and do anything about it.

In your position now, I would tell everyone you can think of. Family, friends, school, for starters. GP? I'd have been scared shitless about calling Women's Aid or the police - but telling someone is a start. Don't think you can fix your husband: you have done everything you can possibly do, and he can't change.

My child who was particularly affected has what was then called Asperger's. That was difficult enough, but my ex husband made it a million times worse.

You also need to consult a lawyer and tell them the situation exactly as it is. See what they say. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Unfortunately the only thing that solved this one for me was divorce, when the children were old enough to have their wishes taken into account. They are now adults and still have some trauma to work through (and divorce is another trauma on top of having an abusive parent). However, I can honestly say that the problems associated with my ex husband's behaviour melted away as soon as we were in our own house, not walking on eggshells. My child who was terrified of eating started to eat again as soon as the pressure was taken away. Very importantly, he also discovered that it's okay to make mistakes and to be imperfect. I don't want to go into any detail of the kinds of things my children's father did, but they are very similar to the things you describe.

I do know that nobody shouting at you on this thread and telling you what a crap mother you are is going to help in the slightest. What I can tell you is that leaving someone who does this to your children is difficult and very, very stressful - but compared to staying with him, it's very, very easy. Make sure you get rock solid legal advice, though, to ensure that your children aren't exposed to his behaviour without you to protect them.

@romdowa and @Catsafterme
I have met some autism men (usually) who are like this.

Usually a mix of being unable to name their own feelings, a lack of ability in self regulation, meltdowns that look like rage. And a full on rigidity (in schedules, what is right if wrong, what us supposed to happen etc….)

And unhealthy coping mechanisms developed over time - like thinking they have to be right because otherwise, it means they are caught in the wrong foot so often it’s too hard to cope with. My own experience is that it seems to be associated with bullying when they were teens….

Now I don’t believe that it’s anymore acceptable.
But I have issues with putting those people in the same bag than abusive men. Because it comes from a very different place.

Please also remember that autism shows up in very different way depending on where on the spectrum p/triade they are. And depending on their sex too.
Would you really say that an autistic person who has a meltdown because their schedule has been yet again disturbed abusive for example?

@TaytoCheeseandOnion

My DD is autistic. I think she has similar traits. She does actually have empathy. She will always comfort someone in distress. But in the moment, if sheis involved in a situation, she is totally incapable of seeing anything from anothers point of view. She cannot concede even on the smallest of points, she will dig her heels in over the smallest little thing even if this burns friendships.
She does not recognise the magnitude of her meltdowns and the impact on others. She seems to forget them as soon as they pass, even if all around her are jibbering wrecks

I am working through the replies but just wanted to say THIS. THIS. ABSOLUTELY EVERY WORD OF ALL OF THIS IS IT EXACTLY.

And thank you so. so much for all of what you have said in your post. You have not idea how much it means to be heard and understood and believed. Thank you.

Not true, it's up to the judge to decide if it is admissible.

Ok so I won't comment on the abuse because pp have done so already.

I terms of the food issue, I have experience of this from a few sources.
My advice would be to stop having set meal time ms for ds. Have a variety of food available that you know he enjoys. Have it ready or something that can be easily and quickly prepared. Allow him to eat wherever he likes, his room or the sofa, alone or while others are nearby. Whatever he feels comfortable with as it will be different for everyone. Let him eat while watching a screen if that's what he likes. Let him eat smaller amounts but more often if that suits. Even if he decides to join a meal just have a few bits of food he likes instead of a large plate full of big meals. If he asks for food at a time that may not be convenient try to give him something anyway even if its cereal or toast. If he wants the meal allow him to eat it in his room or whatever anyway. Make a list for the fridge of safe foods and have them available and show ds how to make them himself. Example he can boil pasta at his age and have ready grated cheese available. If he decides to not eat all day but eat a bowl of pasta at bedtime so be it. Basically allow him access to food on his terms without the pressure of eating at certain times or in certain places.
Some days he may snack all day, some he may not eat at all and then have one big meal, some he may join the table but have something different or a smaller amount. Just allow him to completely control his food.

@RedAndWhiteCarnations Makes sense. Wasn't saying it couldn't be a possibility, just not encountered it before myself but yes depends where that person lies and upbringing/childhood I suppose like everyone.

@myexperiencewasthesame Thank you! I am saving as much as I can with the hope that it will feel more feasible to leave when the children are older and more able to have a say and cope with their Father's behaviour.

So many people to say thank you too, in particular @LucieLemon @SmileyClare @Oioicaptain @Octavia64 and for those who suggested AFRID. I will ask the paediatrician about that. Thank you for your understanding and practical advice. There are others in the thread who I will not have highlighted and I am sorry for that, but you have been so useful and helpful. Its busy here getting ready for kids bedtime, so I haven't flagged everyone but I have read all the responses and will re-read and digest more over the week.

Some questions, I don't think eldest has autism. I think he is like me, I am very sensory sensitive too. He doesn't really remind me of his Dad at all, quite the opposite. He's lovely!

Yes, H has been in trouble with work a couple of times for his behaviour and had to actually move city to get a new job after a previous contract ended. I suspect he could not get a new job in the old city (small industry - everyone knows everyone) as he had developed a bad reputation due to his behaviour.. Though I don't know that. Its just my guess.

Thanks to those who understood or offered practical suggestions and advice. It has been frustrating, to put it mildly, to be told ' Oh my God he's so terrible you need to leave to protect your children from him, you disgusting mother (even though this means that actually your kids will spend more time with him overall, and all of that without you to intervene for them, which means they will actually be exposed MORE to the terrible behaviours you have to protect them from, but you are still a terrible mother for not moving to a situation where they will be exposed more to him, not less. So be ashamed OP!).

Maybe. A big part of the issue is that he just does not seem interested in eating at all most of the time. Like, he eats with me in the week and this typically consists of me repeatedly saying, ' have another bite. take another bite, have another bite. Sit back at the table, have another bite. Sit back at the table. Put that down, take another bite.' Honestly, its like trying to get a very small child to concentrate on a mealtime. Hearing other parents talking about how their boys constantly ask for snacks and constantly want to eat. He's just not like that! So I suppose my concern would be that he just would hardly eat at all if left to his own devices. Maybe it would go the other way though..

I'll ask the paediatrician about this and the other suggestions though.

Do the doctors know the cause for your son's lack of appetite? Or is diagnosis still in progress? There are a plethora of conditions that affect children's growth and sometimes, if you have eliminated the most common ones, you need to start looking at less common causes. What is the opinion of your doctors on that side of things?

Just a further thought, @whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH. One thing that helped a very tiny bit with my child who wouldn't/couldn't eat was leaving out bread sticks and bits of baguette. These were safe foods for him, and he was more likely to have a tiny pick at them if he was on his own in the same room as them, with no discussion at all about whether he was going to eat them or not (he was more likely to eat a little bit if he could read at the same time). He was also scared of drinking water, which was something his father turned into an issue. He is now an adult and eats a decent range of foods and a normal amount. The really severe problems went away when he was no longer in the same house as his father.

BTW, even now, years on, my ex husband refuses to accept that his behaviour was a problem.

They didn't really say anything. They asked a few questions and just dropped the case and never heard from them again.

Not really. Did tests that showed nothing. First paediatrician thought it was due to a milk intolerance that he had had as a baby but has never really gone away, so he was so used to pain from milk that he didn't realise he had any pain but because his body knew food caused pain he did not want to eat much.

We did milk free for six weeks as advised and his appetite did improve a bit , but this may have just been because we used to give him ice-cream and full fat yoghurt as pudding every days as he did eat those and it was a way of getting fat and calories into him, so when that went he would have been eating far less calories than normal. But his appetite did not stay improved and he did not start eating a wider range of foods as she said he would. And he refused to eat any of the dairy substitutes so I did worry about his calcium intake (even though we did buy supplements). I am trying the milk free thing again at the moment but it does not seem to be making any difference.

I think the question was what did YOU say

Please keep him away from your son at meal times.

I grew up being force fed food when I genuinely had no appetite and it caused me major problems around mealtimes and the stress I felt at mealtimes was so awful. No child should ever be made to feel like that.

I do appreciate your concerns OP, but it is quite disturbing to read that you might think it feasible to leave "when the children are older". If then, why not now while you can limit further damage to them? To be clear, the problems need to be tackled as abuse not your DH's autism.

Thank you, I should get therapy really because I'm starting to think about everyday lately as well as the others things he did. It's was clear mental & emotional abuse. It traumatised me as a kid and wasn't spoken about again and I hate to think they child will have to go through the same thing.

Well yeah, I don’t know if it will feel feasible when they are older. I guess I am imaging that as teenagers they will be able to stand up to him more and not stand for the nonsense. I don’t know if that will be the case.

Leaving now I don’t see as helping as, as I have said, it will lead to them spending more time with him, and all of that alone with him. And that won’t limit the damage, will it?