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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the fuck do I do about H treating my son like this?

259 replies

whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH · 01/10/2023 13:40

My H does love his children,.. He also has autism. And, bluntly, the iteration of autism in him is a toxic combination when it comes to being a parent. He has very, very little mindsight, a very rigid and inflexible approach, a strong belief he is right, no apparent ability to learn from his mistakes, largely because he never admits to making a mistake in the first place. He also has extremely poor emotional regulation. It doesn't matter how bad things get in his relationship, with me or now with his children, it is always someone else who is the problem. Nothing, NOTHING, makes his reflect that perhaps his behaviour is contributing to the problem.

My eldest son (older junior school age) has real eating problems and always has. He has failed to grow and is now the size of a child 3 /4 years younger than him. He has been seeing a paediatrician about this and is now on the waiting list for another. Everyone we have seen about his eating throughout his life, paediatrican, paediatric dietician, health visitor, everyone, has said the same, ' 'Don't make mealtimes stressful.' My son seems to just not be interested in food, and very out of touch with his appetite. He is prepared to be hungry rather than eat. I suspect he has a baseline of usually being hungry and so does not really notice he is, as well as a small stomach from chronic undereating. He is also very sensory sensitive, which probably does not help. He has never had a hungry phase related to a growth spurt and he has never had a growth spurt. He has never shown interest in what anyone else is eating. His diet is limited but he does eat a range of foods from all major food groups.

His Dad's strategy is to make food and then become very angry if he does not eat it. I have just had to go downstairs to intervene as my son was screaming at the top of his voice, ' Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!' as his Dad was trying to physical restrain him in his seat, whilst yelling at our son to eat. When I speak to his Dad about this he claims he is not making mealtimes stressful. If my son isn't eating he will become angry and start yelling about all the work he put in, start yelling about how he needs to eat and just go on and on. He will then insist he is not making mealtimes stressful. I have shown him a thread on here from people who said their parents were like this and the terrible effect it had on them, but I doubt he even remembers me showing him that. He never remembers anything that doesn't shore up his own narrative.

Nothing makes a difference to his Dad's approach.

OP posts:
jannier · 01/10/2023 17:31

He's abusing your son doesn't matter if he understands that or not if he can't agree to staying away at meal times I would be leaving him. If he's like this about other things I'd be leaving him.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 01/10/2023 17:31

@traumallama my own experience with an autistic partner and counselling us telling me it will nit work.

Fur counselling to work, you need insight in your own behaviour.
You need to be able to realise you’ve exploded and the impact in others around you.
And you need to be able to process on the spot what is been said and answer appropriately.

Basically it goes against both the OP’s experience and advice given re communication with autistic people - to use written communication instead because 201- it removes emotions, 2- it can be as to the point as you need/want and 203- it gives the ears on time to think before answering instead if being under pressure in a highly emotional environment.

Now this doesn’t mean other people in the spectrum wouldn’t do well in counselling. But the ones I know who hit a lot out of counselling are those who have some insight in there behaviour and are ready to accept that they aren’t always right.

Ponderingwindow · 01/10/2023 17:33

I find my autism helps me understand my DD’s so it’s strange to see a parent who has the opposite.

I’ll be honest, I’m just assuming your son’s food issues are related to ND in my reply here because given what you have said about them and your husband’s diagnosis, it would be hard to believe that they were not.

i don’t know how to get through to your husband and I don’t know how to deal with the custody issue with a split because you aren’t wrong that many people won’t see the abuse here.

what I am going to suggest are some practical solutions on the food front.

  1. your husband should not cook for you son anymore. Just don’t have it happen. It’s too much pressure for both of them.
  2. let your son choose where in the house to eat his meals. If he feels like eating in his room for any reason, let him do that. Insist that he bring out dishes once a day and rinse/wash them. Special occasions can be an exception to this rule.

this will allow your son to not have his eating be something that is scrutinized. It also lets him graze instead of having to be so focused eating in one session. If it’s about getting in calories, you do whatever you can to get in those calories.

we also make sure that dd gets at least one meal a day that is on her short list of things she loves. The other meals are also typically from her short list, but sometimes life is complicated so we make sure it’s at least one.

Totaly · 01/10/2023 17:35

Animals won’t eat if they feel threatened - kids are no different.

And it won’t just be the meal, it will be the build up and expectation. None help with appetite.

SmokedCheese · 01/10/2023 17:37

Keep a diary. Dates, physical or verbal behaviour, what he says when picked up on it. When this happens you need to hit record on your phone, run downstairs and video the exchange between him and son and then yourself and him. If its violent call the police, if it’s verbally abusive inform social services.

this is abusive, the fact he is autistic does not mean it’s excusable.

SmokedCheese · 01/10/2023 17:40

Also start telling professionals dealing with your son about his fathers behaviour. In meetings with them about your sons nutrition point out what is happening

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 01/10/2023 17:42

roarrfeckingroar · 01/10/2023 14:27

Record this abuse. Report to everyone - police (physical and emotional abuse), GP, HV. Start building up evidence.

This.

Unpalatable as it is, you have to get him exposed for the abuser he is in order to get things to go the right way.

Next time he is physically abusing your child, call the police and go through due process.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 01/10/2023 17:42

Btw I’m nit sure filming him to show him how bad he is is the right way to do it

Not to show to him, but to build up a dossier in case of a custody dispute in future.

MeMySonAnd1 · 01/10/2023 17:52

For what is worth unauthorised filming or recording is not admissible in court.

A written record of issues is, however.

Tessabelle74 · 01/10/2023 17:54

Why are we using autism as an excuse to be a giant prick nowadays? There's zero way my husband would still be in my house if he was treating my child this way. It's abuse and if you don't remove him or yourself and your child from the situation you're enabling it

Passepartoute · 01/10/2023 18:00

whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH · 01/10/2023 13:56

We eat separately in the week but H cooks food at weekends.

One of the things that stops me from leaving is the fact that my children would have to spend time alone with their Father. He would absolutely want 50/50 and is quite likely to get primary custody as he would be able to afford living here, and keeping the children in their school and community. Whereas I would be dragging them into insecure, overcrowded accommodation in some deprived part of the county we live in.

Get legal advice on this. There is a good chance that, if you split up, the finding would be that you stay in the house at least whilst the children are dependent on you, and your husband provides maintenance to enable you to do so.

Your husband is physically and mentally abusing his child. You need to protect him.

Megifer · 01/10/2023 18:02

MeMySonAnd1 · 01/10/2023 17:52

For what is worth unauthorised filming or recording is not admissible in court.

A written record of issues is, however.

Not entirely true (i didnt think it was but did quickly Google before i said something incorrect) it depends on the context/reasons and if judge allows it (which is likely if its to confirm abuse as in this case).

Passepartoute · 01/10/2023 18:02

whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH · 01/10/2023 14:03

I can't kick him out. I simply don't have that power, not legally, not anyway. Kicking him out is not within my gift.

He won't go if I tell him to. And I can't make him.

You may well be able to get an injunction given the way he is treating the children. Given that this is effectively a domestic violence situation, you may qualify for legal aid.

Passepartoute · 01/10/2023 18:06

Does your husband work? And does he behave like this at work? If not, how does he manage to moderate his behaviour there but not at home?

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 01/10/2023 18:07

ElleLeopine · 01/10/2023 13:45

I would be telling him to leave. This is unacceptable behaviour, autism or not, and will be harming your son in ways over and above his eating issues.

On a separate note, have you considered that your son's food issues could be related to him being neurodiverse also?

Agree with both points.

pickledandpuzzled · 01/10/2023 18:11

Every person with autism is different. Those of you whose partners or selves parent brilliantly with ASD are individuals. Some people with ASD are crap parents because they can’t imagine the other person’s PoV, can’t recognise the emotions of the people around them etc.

I never went out when DC were ill because DH was unable to step up the sensitivity of care needed. He hated fuss so wouldn’t have sought medical support when it was needed. He was inflexible so ‘we’ll see wha it’s like in the morning’ was as good as it got.

he’s a great dad. But there are things he can’t do.

Thank God they are adults now and can do stuff for themselves! Equally he’s wait for his own leg to fall off before getting medical attention.

seriously those of you who are screaming at OP, she knows him and her situation better than you do. Leave her alone.

he may well be able to keep it together at work because, guess what? At work he isn’t watching his beloved son starve through ‘stubborn refusal to eat’.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 01/10/2023 18:15

Are you in the uk? Have you had leg advice on what would happen if you separated?

I'm not sure why you think you'd be living somewhere terrible and not getting the bulk of custody? You need proper legal advice but I think a lot of your assumptions about what would happen if you separated are wrong.

Autism or not he sounds horrible, your poor Ds.

Catsafterme · 01/10/2023 18:16

Mmm, you sure this is down to his Autism? I know it varies but I can't say I've met anyone with Austim that's basically abusive along with the not accepting fault or blame that goes hand in hand.

I'm not diagnosed but have been told by specialists dealing with my Autistic child that I likely am, which would explain a lot. However, if that is the case, the opposite is true, I'm more understanding and calm with my children and learning from my mistakes has always been something I have done.

Anyway, make record of events so you have them logged. It's not about showing him what he is like, if he hasn't already he is likely not to change and that would add fuel to the fire. Those logs are in case you need it for the future, like court.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 01/10/2023 18:19

Passepartoute · 01/10/2023 18:06

Does your husband work? And does he behave like this at work? If not, how does he manage to moderate his behaviour there but not at home?

Because autistic people mask when they are out and about. And then usually fall apart once they are at home.

Also because children are particularly hard because they are so inconsistent. At work, you have adults behaving in a particular way that is expected from them. Children dont. They also scream (noise sensitivity) etc etc
Basically ime, children are one of the biggest trigger fir (some) autistic people. That’s why issues become more apparent when dcs are on the scene.

fwiw screaming at the child might actually be a full meltdown because child isn’t doing what is expected (trigger 1), gets noisy (trigger 2), puts food on his hands from wriggling (sensitivity to touch, trigger 3) etc…..

Orio2023 · 01/10/2023 18:19

Right but you’ve been pressing the wrong button. If you go to all these people and organisations and ask for help with an autistic husband - there is little they can do. If you tell them you need help with an abusive husband - the response will be very different

The way you have decided to frame the problem is directly impacting the kind of help you have access to

You need the courage to admit this is abuse

This poster has nailed it.

Speak to womens aid. And get him out.

SomeCatFromJapan · 01/10/2023 18:20

@specialsauce my nephew was exactly the same as your son. No-one made an issue of it or pressured him - he probably ate more junk than was ideal but he just needed the calories!

At 16 he discovered a love of meat and working out! He's a strapping young man with a big beard now.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 01/10/2023 18:20

@Ponderingwindow i agree with you. These are good steps to take..

romdowa · 01/10/2023 18:24

Catsafterme · 01/10/2023 18:16

Mmm, you sure this is down to his Autism? I know it varies but I can't say I've met anyone with Austim that's basically abusive along with the not accepting fault or blame that goes hand in hand.

I'm not diagnosed but have been told by specialists dealing with my Autistic child that I likely am, which would explain a lot. However, if that is the case, the opposite is true, I'm more understanding and calm with my children and learning from my mistakes has always been something I have done.

Anyway, make record of events so you have them logged. It's not about showing him what he is like, if he hasn't already he is likely not to change and that would add fuel to the fire. Those logs are in case you need it for the future, like court.

I agree . I'm autistic and I'm definitely not abusive. Op your husband is just an abusive asshole. This is not autism , it's abuse. I'd never ever scream and restrain my child to force him to eat.

OhcantthInkofaname · 01/10/2023 18:25

Would you allow a neighbor to treat your child this way? Then don't allow your husband.

Streamorwatchlive · 01/10/2023 18:28

Your child is not a baby though. He will have a say where he lives. Report the abuse to the police, speak to women’s aid and a decent solicitor asap. You are married so I don’t understand why you think you’d be living in a hovel whilst he has the house, it doesn’t work like that.