What the fuck do I do about H treating my son like this?

[whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH]

My H does love his children,.. He also has autism. And, bluntly, the iteration of autism in him is a toxic combination when it comes to being a parent. He has very, very little mindsight, a very rigid and inflexible approach, a strong belief he is right, no apparent ability to learn from his mistakes, largely because he never admits to making a mistake in the first place. He also has extremely poor emotional regulation. It doesn't matter how bad things get in his relationship, with me or now with his children, it is always someone else who is the problem. Nothing, NOTHING, makes his reflect that perhaps his behaviour is contributing to the problem.

My eldest son (older junior school age) has real eating problems and always has. He has failed to grow and is now the size of a child 3 /4 years younger than him. He has been seeing a paediatrician about this and is now on the waiting list for another. Everyone we have seen about his eating throughout his life, paediatrican, paediatric dietician, health visitor, everyone, has said the same, ' 'Don't make mealtimes stressful.' My son seems to just not be interested in food, and very out of touch with his appetite. He is prepared to be hungry rather than eat. I suspect he has a baseline of usually being hungry and so does not really notice he is, as well as a small stomach from chronic undereating. He is also very sensory sensitive, which probably does not help. He has never had a hungry phase related to a growth spurt and he has never had a growth spurt. He has never shown interest in what anyone else is eating. His diet is limited but he does eat a range of foods from all major food groups.

His Dad's strategy is to make food and then become very angry if he does not eat it. I have just had to go downstairs to intervene as my son was screaming at the top of his voice, ' Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!' as his Dad was trying to physical restrain him in his seat, whilst yelling at our son to eat. When I speak to his Dad about this he claims he is not making mealtimes stressful. If my son isn't eating he will become angry and start yelling about all the work he put in, start yelling about how he needs to eat and just go on and on. He will then insist he is not making mealtimes stressful. I have shown him a thread on here from people who said their parents were like this and the terrible effect it had on them, but I doubt he even remembers me showing him that. He never remembers anything that doesn't shore up his own narrative.

Nothing makes a difference to his Dad's approach.

Omg, no wonder people have lost faith in the system. Idiots like that ought to lose all parental rights immediately. I hope your children and you are safe now.

OP, I really feel for you. My sister is in a similar situation with an abusive husband who she fears would want 50-50. I'll say to you what I have said to her, which is that if nothing changes then nothing changes. That's not to make light of your situation- you're right that your husband will almost certainly get custody part of the time- but the situation you're in now is not a tenable one, for you or your son, so you need to be making plans. Practical things you can do now are to take legal advice (including on how far you can limit his access), look at your financial situation and start getting some money saved up, start keeping a log yourself of abusive incidents, consider whether you can flag these with your doctor or the police. I'd also suggest some therapy for you if that's an option as it's a huge amount to deal with.

I know you have reacted badly to people suggesting this but it's worth trying to open your mind to the possibility that staying so that your husband will never be alone with your son might not be the best idea. Your son may feel the effects of the abuse despite your presence. He may also come to see you as having played a part in it or been complicit- that is not to say that this is right, only that this is how it might appear to a child. Maybe it would be better for your son to have time with just you when he genuinely feels safe and cared for, even if the corollary is that he also has time alone with his father. These are obviously not comfortable things to think about but trying to think about them might help you see your next step.

OP you’ve said you’ve tried everything and nothing changes. I wonder if you’re desperately hoping for a magic solution, but the fact that nothing has worked so far might be an indication that nothing WILL change.
With that in mind what would your next option be?

Sounds like your son has ASD and ARFID;there are 3 types of ARFID one of which is the type where someone has no interest in food and eating.

As you state he is not able to understand his impact when he behaves this way at meals can you provide ‘objective evidence’ by actually filming the interaction for him to view when he is regulated? Some people have internal Ring cameras within the home that would work for this. Appreciate that it would be horrible to do this and not be able to immediately intervene for your kid. Agree with others that staying with him is causing more damage than leaving him. Your husband can adapt (as proven by doing activities with other kids) but for some reason is ‘not able’ to see this meal time situation differently. Maybe approach the problem from a different angle is he digging his heels in on this because he feels out of control in other areas. What ever the cause - the resulting behaviour is appalling and damaging to everyone

I think he's unlikely to get 50/50 when your son has medical needs and he goes against medical advice. Can you get evidence eg recordings of this happening or record yourselves talkeing about this? Write down your concerns to him in an email including detailed descriptions of what you've witnessed?

Your husband needs a hobbie every day during evening meal times. Perhaps a hobbie that includes a meal. On days your husband is unable to attend hobbies, your son needs to stay over at friends or relatives and eat there. Consider applying for a scholarship for your child to board at school if necessary.

The problem maybe texture of food, not having a relaxed environment etc but it is never going to stand a chance to be supported until your husband exits the building.

You cannot play referee and expect good results. You cannot challenge someone unwilling to see things from other people's perspective at the same time as supporting your child from the damage caused by his father.

I keep coming back to the fact that the OP really dislikes him and their marriage seems completely dysfunctional. He doesn't respect his wife so she has no influence on him. The issue with the child is surely secondary to this massive problem?

'He seems to live his life free of shame and guilt' this sounds like a psychopath to me rather than a am autistic person. Be very careful and seek advice from women's aid.

A possible suggestion is to with his knowledge video a meal time and watch together to work out what happens afterwards and work out what you can BOTH do to help your son. If this won't work to make him see that he is angry and he's distressing your son at least it will be evidence for you to use.

I really like this suggestion of filming what he CAN do he's less likely to feel attacked if it goes with the positives

You are fucking magnificent. You have real clarity of insight into your situation, and you are focused on the needs of your children and you are prepared to do what you can to protect them. You are very right to ignore the LTB brigade. They have no fucking clue. If you move to split. He will dig his heels in and will never leave the house of his own volition. You would absolutely have to leave. I can totally see him being seen by SS as a model dad. Your kids would absolutely be at higher risk.

My DD is autistic. I think she has similar traits. She does actually have empathy. She will always comfort someone in distress. But in the moment, if sheis involved in a situation, she is totally incapable of seeing anything from anothers point of view. She cannot concede even on the smallest of points, she will dig her heels in over the smallest little thing even if this burns friendships.
She does not recognise the magnitude of her meltdowns and the impact on others. She seems to forget them as soon as they pass, even if all around her are jibbering wrecks.
Intellectually, i know she cant help this. I know she is not choosing this, she is not being naughty. My heart breaks for her and we are getting her all the help we can. But even so, there is a voice in my head shouting JUST DO AS I FUCKING SAY. It is soooo frustrating.

You cannot change what your husband says and does. You can only change what you do. Take him out id the picture at meal times completely. You see to you and the kids, leave him to fend for himself. He wont like it. But it is the best option you have.

When I was getting closer to divorcing my Ex, I video'd him at his worst. Partly so that I could remind myself I wasn't imagining it; partly so I could use it as 'evidence' later on (not sure when I expected to need it, and I've never shown it to anyone else); but partly, in case he tried to go for custody. This, along with a diary I kept of appalling things he'd said and done.

He made noises about going for custody very early on. I told him that if he did, I would be sharing the diary and the video with the court. He wouldn't get custody and he would be lucky to get anyaccess without some sort of control. He didn't try.

Is that worth trying?

You are very right to ignore the LTB brigade. They have no fucking clue. If you move to split. He will dig his heels in and will never leave the house of his own volition. You would absolutely have to leave. I can totally see him being seen by SS as a model dad. Your kids would absolutely be at higher risk.

What a load of absolute nonsense.

Your husband is being abusive to your child. Get him to leave - nothing is going to fix that from what you say.

I’d write to him. It will be easier fury im to process.
Very simple blunt sentences.

When you grabbed dc to make him eat, you are using physical force and it’s illegal.
When you shout at dc, it’s emotionally abusive. It’s hurtful to dc. And it’s stressful.
The advice of the paed is <insert advice in short bullet
point>. That’s what we have to do. How do you think you can do that?

Continue the conversation in writing, rather than face to face.

In the mean time, go and see a lawyer and check with them if you could stay in the house, what about residency with the dcs etc… the clearer you are about what can or cannot happen, the more in control you will be.

I would leave anyway, in fact I did. And we lived happily ever after with less resources but a more peaceful, healthier existence.

Don’t put your living standard before the welfare of your children. Growing poor is better than growing with abuse, besides you are unlikely to be poor if you are working (check entitledto.co.uk to find what support you can get to suplente your income) .
Dont worry too much about the 50/50 break in contact time, there is no way he can force a teen to have contact with him unless… you fall for his dad’s manipulation and pressure your children to have it. No court will force contact against their will at that age.

You are worried that in paper he would look like a good dad, but how do you look op if you are failing to protect your children from abuse?

HRTFT yet and just dashing out so Just a quick post to say I have a similar situation. You have my full sympathy. It’s so hard!!!

Could you not film him during his outbursts and show this as evidence when he applies for custody?

It's not "absolute nonsense".

Even if the H didn't get 50/50, he is still likely to have some form of access, and therefore be left in sole charge of the children. It's not difficult to fathom, really!

@whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH I don't know what you can do here. You are trapped by a horrible man. Document as much as you can and take legal advice, talk to the paediatrician, to Women's Aid, anywhere you can get help and support, counselling for yourself, and keep H away from the children at mealtimes.

I was beaten as a child to make me eat. I remember one occasion crying over a congealed, greasy fry, and being intermittently struck with a sally rod. I never had a healthy relationship with food. TBH like a lot of difficult things in my life, I've 'buried' it deep inside.

Btw I’m nit sure filming him to show him how bad he is is the right way to do it.
This man is autistic and as @TaytoCheeseandOnion pointed out, he isn’t reacting in the same way than NT people.
That means what works with someone who is NT might well not work with him.

Fwiw @whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH your situation isn’t unusual. There are many stories of autistic fathers that would everything to have their children 50/50 (or more) despite behaviours that are dangerous fir the children. And mothers think they have to stay to protect their dcs.
Its not an easy situation nor an easy answer p, despite what some posters might tell you.

Covert filming seems like a good solution but in court you have to have permission to share, and may be discouraged to do so.

Dont worry too much about the 50/50 break in contact time, there is no way he can force a teen to have contact with him

Or unless the father puts so much pressure on the child that they can’t say ‘No , I don’t want to stay at daddy’s’……

@whatthefuckdoIdoaboutmyH I can't help but notice you don't respond to the questions surrounding whether your son has been assessed himself for autism?
Autism is genetic. I am autistic as well, I am acutely aware of what it is to be an autistic parent of autistic children.

You say you found a therapist but wrote it off without actually trying because you decided what the outcome would be based on previous situations. Yet that is 100% the reason why therapy could work- it could finally help you and your husband access the right support for you both as well as your children.

With respect- and I really do mean that, genuinely respect and not judgement- how do you see the situation resolving? You know your child has to come first, and I hear that in your comments, but it does seem that your approach is a little misguided at times. I can understand your hesitance to leave the marriage, yes leaving is probably the right thing but I completely see why you don't feel ready to at this point. So maybe couples therapy is a sensible starting point and go from there. You might learn a lot about your own boundaries and needs which could help you and your children moving forward.
And definitely pursue possible autism diagnosis for your son- it could go hand in hand with the eating situation.

If you're going to let him abuse your kids you might as well be abusing them yourself.

This is how your kids will see this when they looked back.

Every weekend. Abuse. Every weekend Mum saw.

You're like those women who watch their partner batter their kids to death. Except you're watching your kid starve under your husband's tyranny. You know he makes it worse. Your kid is starving himself.

This is bloody heartbreaking. Your poor little boy. Please keep your husband away from him, especially at mealtimes.

And please seek advice from Womens Aid to protect your children.