Please help, I feel so low.
been with my husband for 10 years. Looking back, I now realise the relationship has been emotionally abusive for some time. There were red flags from the start but things have got much worse over the past few years.
He left the military a few years ago and during this time he became very depressed, refused to accept that he was depressed and blamed me instead for how he is feeling. He used to shut himself in his study for days on end without leaving the house and cut all contact with family and friends. He told me he wanted a divorce - I found it so difficult to come to terms with as I knew how depressed he was and was worried about him. His behaviour towards me was very erratic and difficult to understand - he’d tell me he hated me some days but then bring flowers the next day and tell me how amazing I was.
He was offered a very good job in London and his mood quickly improved. we decided to give it another go and moved there together last summer. I fell pregnant just after we moved and suddenly his mood changed again (coincided with stress of new job) and he told me he wanted to separate again. He told me he didn’t want a baby and put pressure on me to order the termination pills online, but then wouldn’t engage in any constructive conversation around what to do. Every time I asked he blew up and said I was putting pressure on him and should understand how stressed he was.
he left me waiting for 14 weeks before deciding whether to go ahead together with the pregnancy. During this time I’d been so unwell with vomiting I’d lost a lot of weight and been hospitalised with a kidney infection as I was too weak to walk out to the shops for food some days and was too delayed collecting my antibiotics because I was so depressed and weak. Throughout my pregnancy he often had angry outbursts and was very verbally abusive (‘I hate you, you’ve ruined my life, I want this baby but wish it wasn’t happening with you, you’ve got the IQ of a slug etc). One time when I was 6 months pregnant I didn’t want to engage in the argument he was trying to start so I pretended to be asleep and he started shoving my shoulder to try and get a reaction.
I had our baby in April and he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He was born prematurely and was extremely low birthweight (he weighed 3lb). My husband was immediately besotted with him and is now absolutely obsessed with him. Immediately after the birth he was very supportive but then old habits crept in. When our baby was 9 days old we went for coffee and he was criticising everything I did for the baby. I politely said I’m ok, I can handle this, you’re making me feel like you don’t trust me to look after him’. He flew off the handle and said I was being ungrateful because he’d been so supportive, and stormed out of the cafe with the baby in the pram. I ran after them and he punched my coffee out of my hand. He then stormed off and I had to walk home alone dripping in coffee as I couldn’t keep up (I’d had an emergency c section).
when the baby was 6 weeks old he flew off the handle and told me to leave, but that I wasn’t allowed to leave London with the baby and had to go and rent a flat round the corner. I left and went to stay with my mum two hours drive away. He was furious and demanded I returned as I’d ‘kidnapped his child’. I felt so guilty I went back.
sonce then his behaviour has been erratic, he is very hostile toward me and is still regularly verbally abusive. He tells me we must stay together as outcomes for the baby will be disastrous if we don’t. He tells me that if I ever want warmth or affection from him again I have to earn it.
he is now two weeks into his delayed paternity leave and has 6 weeks off. He’s behaving a bit strangely and I feel he knows I want to leave. I Ieft my laptop open when I went out the other day and he went through it. Id been emailing a solicitor I’ve spoken to and had emailed to ask how I could safely leave london and return to my home town two hours away where I still have a job, a house (it’s currently rented out) and family / friends relatively nearby. I’m unsure whether he saw these emails but he willl have looked at the search history and I’d been looking at properties in my hometown too.
A few days ago he was his usual critical and intimidating self, and something inside snapped. He went out with friends for the evening and I packed some essentials and drove me and the baby to our hometown three hours away. Predictably he has gone absolutely ballistic and is demanding I bring the baby back. If I return then my solicitor told me he could take out a prohibited steps order preventing me from leaving London with the baby until it’s been to court which could take up to 12 months, so I’d be stuck there until then. Financially it would be so difficult for me to live in London, and I worry I’d be under his control.
i feel sick. Incredibly guilty that I’ve uprooted my baby from his home and now living out of a bag in a spare room. Incredibly guilty that I’ve denied my husband his paternity leave. Broken from being emotionally ground down for so long.
I feel so depressed and at risk of just returning to London. Please help me.
thanks for listening