Relationship ruined by haircut

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When I last got my haircut it went so wrong that I have been miserable for the last 3 months. During this time I went through a rough patch with my partner and the relationship ended. Since that time he's reached out but the thing that's stopped me reaching back is how I feel about my hair. I actually desperately want him back but I feel so low about myself right now that I just don't feel I can I go there. Our relationship was never straight forward and for a while it was on/off so there's a lot of insecurity there already. Now he's posted something about being somewhere 'surrounded by beautiful women' and it's just made me feel even worse. I know he'll start something with someone else very soon and that will break my heart but I know I'm not able to be with him again when my confidence is on the floor. It'lI take probably another 3 months for my hair to grow long enough again. I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this and do they get where I'm coming from? Going back to the hairdresser is out of the question - my trust in all hairdressers is completely shot.

Would a set of extensions work OP?

I somewhat know how you feel. I bleached my hair and it damaged it beyond repair. I've had to get it cut quite short at monthly intervals throughout the past year to cut out the damaged part.

It's been a bit a blow but it hasn't completely wrecked my self esteem. I bought hair extensions from Amazon which are real hair and amazing and that's really really helped.

I lost my lovely long hair due to chemo and now have got back horrible curly short hair and it's something I struggle with a lot so can relate to some degree. I wonder if it's a type of body dismorphia (bdd) which I think maybe linked to being told as a child need to look beautiful at all times or noone will want you. Hats and avoiding mirrors help.

I don't think men notice hair like women do though, men focus much more on bodies. Though any man saying he's surrounded by beautiful women sounds one to avoid.

Honestly, I had mine cut from three inches below collar bone to the nape of my neck, DH of 30 years and DS 29 never noticed. DD said “wow, drastic cut mum”

he won’t notice. Also, just because he’s surrounded by beautiful women doesn’t mean they are queuing up for him!

yes, work on your self esteem. Nothing more attractive than a confident, self assured woman.

Could you try a wig?

I once had such a disastrous haircut that I burst into tears at the salon (once he’d shown me the back) and once I got home, phoned a dd at uni 100 miles away and offloaded. Dd1 promptly phoned the salon and gave the bloke a bollocking!
But only about 2 days later, same dd phoned and told me that a uni friend of hers, who’d stayed with us, had been killed in a road accident.

I then felt so bad for being so upset about my hair, which would soon grow again. It certainly put my haircut into perspective.

Do please try another salon, OP, but I’d ask first what they can do to improve it for you until it grows out a bit.
Meanwhile, 💐and I do hope you’ll feel better soon.

I can't understand what you asked the hairdresser to do that went so badly wrong? She didn't unilaterally decide to cut your long hair into short layers, you must have asked for that.
As you say yourself, it will grow. Just don't put your life on hold while it does.

And I agree with PPs, if you can't handle a haircut then your self esteem is NOT perfectly fine.

This is a very sad thread. Honestly OP, if you're looking for someone for the long haul, you need to find someone who you feel confident will still think you're wonderful when you've great hair /crap hair, are fat/ thin, happy / grumpy / sad, got old and wrinkly, when you've slightly lost your mind after 6 months of uninterrupted sleep etc. If it's all gone wrong over hair, it's probably not a goer.

As others have said, being this worried about a crap haircut after 3 months suggests you give more weight to your hair / looks than is probably helpful or healthy. It might be worth getting some support with this through counselling, therapy or self- help books. You have so much more to bring to any relationship than just your hair.

It is wonderful if you have the self-esteem that honestly, whatever happens to your looks, you absolutely don't mind and know you are highly valued. I am not like that and I don't know many people that are- we are used to looking a certain way and departing from that, due to illness, disability or a crap haircut (the latter being a 'trivial' reason in comparison), is difficult. I have a friend who the first thing she did when she went for chemo was have her eyebrows tattooed on. It is hard not to care at all.

I agree with everyone that your position is extreme, in that you are letting affect your relationships, but I have to be honest, my looks have changed due to disability and it does affect me to some extent- I have had to give myself a stern talking to and buy nice clothes and actively and consciously value myself differently to feel ok about it. Your ex sounds not great for you, and I agree this is a time to take stock and see how you value yourself and he used to value you.

I don't feel you have said a terrible thing though, you are not denigrating others, you are being honest about how you feel about yourself and surely that's something we should be allowed to do on Mumsnet. I might have offended some other disabled people by admitting I feel negative about my new body, but I think it's fine to start that conversation.

It's only hair for gods sake. Some people lose all of their hair with cancer or alopecia and don't. Make such a fuss. I doubt your former boyfriend even noticed.
I am covered in scars from a bad accident when I was 21. I've never let them affect my life.

You say your relationship was never straight forward? I don't think the haircut is the issue. You obviously aren't right for each other. Get some hair growth vitamins and go and find someone else. I've also had a dodgy hair cut in the past and didn't go back to a salon for 8 years! Next time don't allow them to cut your hair too short, tell them before they cut it about your previous bad experience and tell them to stop cutting during if its too short for you.

I have wavy/curlyish hair and I totally understand that a bad haircut can feel devastating. People with straight hair just do not understand how hard it is to find a hairdresser who understands wavy/curly hair. They also don't get how long it takes for a bad haircut to grow out - the number of times I've had someone with straight hair say 'it will be fine again in a few weeks' and I know it will actually take months.

So I get all of that. I really do. But when I've had awful haircuts in the past my DP has been nothing but supportive and has told me I always look wonderful. And I know I'm still 'me' inside even if I look frigging awful in the mirror for months. You don't end a relationship over a haircut!

Do you have any photos of yourself when your hair was looking good? Can you stick one in the corner of a mirror you look in regularly? To remind yourself that it will look like that again one day. I know it will take ages, but it will look good again eventually.

I agree.

Self esteem doesn’t come from your hair.

I would understand if you had alopecia or something which may affect your deaf esteem.

But a temporary bad hair cut is not enough to affect your self esteem so badly that it ended a relationship.

Either your relationship had a lot of problems or you already had self esteem issues, probably both.

You need to stay single until you can figure out what the real issue is.

I had a bad haircut a few years ago and I was so upset and it really affected me! I just felt so awful every time I went out! So I completely understand how you feel. I just kept telling myself that far worse things happen and to think if my friend or husband had a dodgy hair cut would I think less of them and the answer was a definite no!! After awhile I just stopped worrying so much about it as everyone had seen the dodgy haircut and didn’t care anyway, we’ve all been there and hair does grow back! My point being though is that I completely empathize with you and yes I do get where u are coming from and it will get easier to deal with as time goes on!

This kind of happened to me OP. I went for a trim somewhere new and she took way too much off and left me with a bob that I didn’t ask for that was too short at the back. I had said I wanted to be able to tie it back and I couldn’t. I cried at the hairdresser! Never thought I would have. I went back to my old hairdresser and asked him to fix it and he said he could only go shorter. So I got a pixie cut. I liked it for a while but then lockdown hit and I couldn’t maintain it so it looked terrible. And I gained weight. And it really upset me that I had bad hair. It took 3 years to get it back to how it was!

Frankly OP a bad haircut is not going to break a strong relationship or destroy your life...

It sounds like you are blaming all your issues on that one thing when really it there is much more going on than that.

A bad hair cut or choosing the wrong hair colour is something that happens to most women at some point. It is just hair and it grows back...

I think everyone have had a bad haircut at some point in their lives. Yes, it's devastating and can make one very fond of hats for few months, but it should not have such a drastic impact on one's mood as to break down a relationship

there needs to be something more there - either some deep rooted self-esteem issue or serious problems with the relationship itself. Or both.

Get it graduated and whack some curls in it, otherwise wear it up. Go clothes shopping to boost your mojo.

Honestly OP. I actually do feel sorry for you, but not because of your haircut (it really isn't the end of the world) or your relationship problems. But you clearly do have some really deep insecurities about your appearance, which you may be aware of, or may not. I think a lot of people are right on here, this is what you need to work on, not your past relationship.

You are worth so much more than what you look like. And if your life up until now has not allowed you to see this, then I hope this thread has helped to change that!

have you thought about hair extensions op?

Wild horses couldn’t keep me away from the man I love, let alone a scare cut. I’d say this is about more than just the hair. I’m sure you look beautiful OP.

I gave myself a terrible haircut once - very much like when Phoebe gives Monica a Dudley Moore instead of a Demi Moore.

I laughed and got some extensions to go out of an evening, but the rest of the time - it was just a haircut. And it grows back!

That's what healthy self-esteem is. It's about loving yourself exactly as you are, and healing the parts that don't love you that way. Inner child work is great for that, for example.

hair extentions...

Feel for you OP. I have very curly hair and have had more bad haircuts than good, some absolutely terrible. A lot of hairdressers just don't listen or only have one style they like doing that they replicate in some version on everyone. I have to say I've noticed quality has improved recently, maybe due to needing to recoup pandemic losses, or customers being more vocal about dissatisfaction or better training, I don't know.

I have it many salons in tears and spent months with it up/in a ponytail due to disastrous haircuts or straightened so it doesn't look like a bushy triangle. Most stylists can't cut curls properly but again this is changing for the better now curly hair is fashionable again. "Curly cuts" are more expensive though which to my mind is a form of discrimination.

You could try hair extensions to give you a confidence boost.

Can you get a wig or extensions?