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Original poster

Relationship ruined by haircut

172 replies

spacecadet · 28/09/2023 23:37

When I last got my haircut it went so wrong that I have been miserable for the last 3 months. During this time I went through a rough patch with my partner and the relationship ended. Since that time he's reached out but the thing that's stopped me reaching back is how I feel about my hair. I actually desperately want him back but I feel so low about myself right now that I just don't feel I can I go there. Our relationship was never straight forward and for a while it was on/off so there's a lot of insecurity there already. Now he's posted something about being somewhere 'surrounded by beautiful women' and it's just made me feel even worse. I know he'll start something with someone else very soon and that will break my heart but I know I'm not able to be with him again when my confidence is on the floor. It'lI take probably another 3 months for my hair to grow long enough again. I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this and do they get where I'm coming from? Going back to the hairdresser is out of the question - my trust in all hairdressers is completely shot.

OP posts:
Bored1000 · 29/09/2023 00:18

I think you are underestimating yourself, he wants to get back with you even though you have what you think is the awfull haircut so obviously he sees other qualities in you that he likes that you don’t seem to be able to see in yourself.

I bet he thinks you look just as fabulous as you did before and possibly even likes your hair , it actually sounds like it would look quite cute,
Stop being so harsh on yourself, there is more to you than your hair

Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 29/09/2023 00:19

Congratulations on never having had anything serious to worry about.

HeddaGarbled · 29/09/2023 00:19

3 months since the sub-optimal haircut? And you’ve been miserable ever since? That’s more serious than the haircut.

Forget about the boyfriend and make an appointment with your GP. Tell them how unhappy you are and why.

Playingintheshadow · 29/09/2023 00:23

If this is the basis of your relationship, you need to run a mile.

Original poster
spacecadet · 29/09/2023 00:27

Thanks for the book recommendation @Nicole1111. Something concrete like that is really helpful. I knew writing this thread would irritate a lot of people but I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do to change my mindset - it's not easy to control sometimes.

OP posts:
catscalledbeanz · 29/09/2023 00:29

"Handing him the crap prize" really op this is so disproportionate to a bad haircut and is to my mind reflective of low low self esteem, low self worth and a skewed outlook on what relationships are or should be. Firstly you won't always look your best be that bad haircuts, a misguided self tan, sun burn, stress related acne, cold sores, menopausal sweat drenched suffering hair loss, and good old old age. Good healthy self esteem is not based upon looks or hair. Secondly you are not a prize. He is not in a raffle for the prettiest woman and if he is- you don't want him. Or you shouldn't. Looks (and hair) don't last.

Ramalangadingdong · 29/09/2023 00:33

spacecadet · 28/09/2023 23:44

My self esteem is fine when I'm happy with my hair. It's the haircut that's the problem but also what does work on your self esteem actually mean here?

It means getting to a place where your self esteem is not dependent on how you look. One way you can do that is to start with counselling.

I hope this doesn’t sound rude but you sound quite young. Are you?

Bobbotgegrinch · 29/09/2023 00:34

spacecadet · 29/09/2023 00:13

I felt great when I was with him - I felt powerful and in control. So when it came to any issues in the relationship I felt I had a strong negotiating position because I felt wanted. That's all changed now for me and so getting back with him would be unfair to him because it would be like handing him the crap prize at a raffle.

I'm sorry, you felt you had a strong negotiating position?

It's a romantic relationship, not a business deal!

If your self esteem is so fucked that it can't cope with a haircut, the you shouldn't be in a relationship at all.

Stay single, get therapy, learn to love yourself and accept your own self worth before you even attempt to get involved with someone else again.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 29/09/2023 00:35

If that's how being with him makes you feel, you should never get back together with him.

If you were to get ill and lost your hair, or something else that made you 'lose your power' it doesn't sound that sort of relationship to survive that.

Adelaff · 29/09/2023 00:38

I have very long hair, have done all my life, and have had a number of bad cuts and one instance of very badly done highlights, and each time I've been knocked for six. I don't know why, but I never feel less confident than when I know my hair looks shit.

I feel for you OP, but if it's the only thing stopping you from rekindling a relationship you think will make you happy then you have to push past it

Tryingmybestadhd · 29/09/2023 00:42

spacecadet · 28/09/2023 23:44

My self esteem is fine when I'm happy with my hair. It's the haircut that's the problem but also what does work on your self esteem actually mean here?

If your self esteem was ok the haircut wouldn’t be as important , sorry but nobody with a normal level of self esteem would be this affected by a haircut hun

JanglingJack · 29/09/2023 00:44

Is this a test?

Ponderingwindow · 29/09/2023 00:49

You need to work on yourself before you try to get into a relationship. A bad haircut is just a bad haircut . It shouldn’t impact your personality. At most you should be grumpy for a day or two and then be able to laugh it off.

foxlover47 · 29/09/2023 00:53

I had a really bad haircut last year literally a few days before Christmas and it made me feel rubbish. I don't have the best self esteem when it comes to how I look and I get why you feel the way you do. What helped me was hit grips , it was too short at the back to tie up and although it's grown out a great deal now , extensions are my go to for a confidence boost ( clip in).
My ex would look at previous pics of me and comment , you blonde 😍 when I'd dyed it darker or something so hair was always a worry to me
Hence he's my ex

foxlover47 · 29/09/2023 00:53

Sorry for the typo it should of said *hair grips "

Doingmybest12 · 29/09/2023 00:53

Have you got any friends op who could help you style it in a way you are happier with? I'm finding it hard to see that a 3 month grown out bob is that hard to live with or do anything with to feel a bit better. The boyfriend bit feels like a side issue really. I wouldn't think about him, concentrate on feeling happier with yourself and getting this issue into proportion.

Mari9999 · 29/09/2023 00:57

@spacecadet

When your hair was long and wavy and you were at your strongest point, the relationship was not working. You could be Rapunzel or you could be bald and your relationship will still have the same problems.

Use what is in your head rather than what covers your head to make a decision that is in your best interest.

MysteryBelle · 29/09/2023 01:04

A bad haircut.

You have a problem. But it has absolutely nothing to do with your hair or the haircut.

It’s to do with the space below the hair and above the brows.

You need to grow in maturity, beyond that of a strange toddler, before you’re ready to embark on a relationship of any kind.

MysteryBelle · 29/09/2023 01:08

Your worth is not in your hair. Not one scintilla of your worth is in your hair.

CheekyHobson · 29/09/2023 01:10

Our relationship was never straight forward and for a while it was on/off so there's a lot of insecurity there already. Now he's posted something about being somewhere 'surrounded by beautiful women' and it's just made me feel even worse.

It doesn't sound like a great relationship in the first place TBH, and if he's the kind of guy who postures on social media by bragging about being surrounded by beautiful women, he sounds pretty shallow.

If that's the kind of guy you're chasing, no wonder a bad haircut seems like a relationship-killer. Secure people value a wide range of their own qualities - their sense of humour, their listening skills, their nice hands, their intelligence, their ability to cook a mean pasta, their honesty, etc - and they also value their partners for a wide range of qualities, not just their haircut.

I think you should take your hair-growing time to think about why you place such outsize importance on one aspect of your appearance, and why you believe your ex might also place a similar level of importance on that same thing.

Poorlittlebug · 29/09/2023 01:11

I wear extensions. Just get some extensions surely?

MMadness · 29/09/2023 01:46

I can't get past the fact you base your self esteem on your hair. Blows my mind.

If I were you I'd work on that issue before entering into any kind of relationship.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 29/09/2023 01:54

spacecadet · 28/09/2023 23:44

My self esteem is fine when I'm happy with my hair. It's the haircut that's the problem but also what does work on your self esteem actually mean here?

This has to be a wind-up, right?

If your sense of being worth knowing and dating is so fragile that a botched haircut demolishes it, then yes, you have a big problem with your self-worth. You are more than a haircut.

If he's so shallow that your hair affects whether he likes you, stay split from him. You deserve better.

Thepossibility · 29/09/2023 01:54

Unless it's a buzzcut you're being silly.
Accessories, extensions, half up (actually heaps of short hair ideas on the internet).
There are SO many ways to live with it instead of wallowing in self pity.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 29/09/2023 01:56

Thepossibility · 29/09/2023 01:54

Unless it's a buzzcut you're being silly.
Accessories, extensions, half up (actually heaps of short hair ideas on the internet).
There are SO many ways to live with it instead of wallowing in self pity.

Even if it is a buzzcut, she's being silly.