Relationship ruined by haircut

[spacecadet]

When I last got my haircut it went so wrong that I have been miserable for the last 3 months. During this time I went through a rough patch with my partner and the relationship ended. Since that time he's reached out but the thing that's stopped me reaching back is how I feel about my hair. I actually desperately want him back but I feel so low about myself right now that I just don't feel I can I go there. Our relationship was never straight forward and for a while it was on/off so there's a lot of insecurity there already. Now he's posted something about being somewhere 'surrounded by beautiful women' and it's just made me feel even worse. I know he'll start something with someone else very soon and that will break my heart but I know I'm not able to be with him again when my confidence is on the floor. It'lI take probably another 3 months for my hair to grow long enough again. I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this and do they get where I'm coming from? Going back to the hairdresser is out of the question - my trust in all hairdressers is completely shot.

In the kindest possible way, if a bad haircut has caused this much angst you have some underlying issues that need addressing.

I would book some sessions with a counsellor to get to the bottom of it.

You need to value yourself not your looks. What go you like about yourself not tied to your looks. Are you really intelligent, are you a good judge of character? Are you peoples go to person to lend an ear? Are you good at sports? Are you funny? When you’re 65 what are you going to value about yourself most?

what do you value in other people that you can see in yourself or bring out in yourself?

What had you asked the hairdresser to do? It seems odd to me that it could have gone so wildly wrong that it'll need 3 months growth to be back to what you want.

I think you are getting a rough ride here OP.
I get the hair issue.. I really do. Currently 6 weeks in after the worst pixie cut , having had nearly wasit length hair... talk about decisions I regret!! I've felt miserable and not wanting to see anyone.

BUT gave myself a stiff talking to... it will grow because I'm luckily not facing chemo or other health issues. I can have extentions once it's long enough. I hate it, but no-one else given it a second thought after the initial 'ooooh you've cut all your hair off' it's ONLY me who cares.

But a relationship that is built on feeling powerful is WRONG... let alone one built on 'I feel beautiful today.' Either it's a good relationship whether you are bald, put on weight, have stretchmarks after children etc, or it's not a real relationship... and yours did not sound good.

Work on feeling good about yourself whatever (and yes I find that hard too) before even thinking about another relationship. My dh and I have been together 35 years and he's seen me go from a fairly good looking 20 something, to a middle aged women with bad hair, good hair, fat bits, old bit.s grey hair everything along the way and we are great together regardless... that's how it should be.

If he's a good guy, he won't care about your hair. If he cares.. he's not worth it.

I think the hairdresser has done you a favour. The cut has given you the space and time to withdraw, regroup and get some perspective on life, love, relationships and self-worth. Good luck.

I think most people have had a bad hair hair cut and felt self conscious, upset and horrible as a result. I doubt many heave jeopardised relationships over it though.

Your self esteem is not fine if it's dependent on your hair. Some counselling and time away from romantic relationships seems sensible to me.

Your haircut has probably done you a massive favour... you're seeing him for what he is. What man tells his OH or even ex that hes surrounded by beautiful women? A man thats trying to make you jealous and run back. Id run the other way

You could get alopecia. You could have cancer and lose all your hair. You could be in a fire and all your hair could burn off. You could be in an accident and be disfigured.

Working on your self confidence means that you need to develop the knowledge that if any of these things happened you would still be a worthwhile person and your partner would love you just as much, even if you look completely different, permanently or temporarily, from what you currently do.

Until you develop that self confidence any relationship you have will be precarious at best.

Excellent post.

Absolutely this. Your haircut hasn't ruined your relationship. Your self esteem being wrapped up in how you look has ruined your relationship. I don't mean that harshly, but you definitely need to work on your self confidence.

Same. Actually I'm a good few months in and was feeling excited about the regrowth so far. But now I know I'm "the crap prize at a raffle"🙄I probably shouldn't have clicked on this thread though.

Most my hair fell out. I have had to just crack on. Looks don't define you. If all that makes you feel confident are your looks your really do need to boost your self-esteem.

@spacecadet I hate my hair at the mo, but I've decided it's not going to stop me, so I'm just getting on with things until I go and get it sorted.

When I was a student in London, I used to go to Vidal Sassoon in London, where they retrain or upskill Vidal Sassoon stylists. I would strongly recommend going into Lobdon and seeing them, they do a full review of head shape, hair growth and style. My hair was always spot on with a style that suited me. Good luck.

Ref your ex he's your ex for a reason. Leave it that way. Plenty more fish in the sea xxx

This is not a healthy relationship.

People in healthy relationships don't use the words 'powerful and in control' or a 'negotiating position'.

If he goes off you because of a hair cut, he wasn't into you much anyway.

And if you feel a crap prize because of a hair cut, you do have issues with your self-worth.

This is not a relationship that is going to work.

I wanted to hear some different perspectives and I definitely got that. I suppose I needed to hear it - the negative especially- so in a way the thread has served its purpose. Thanks to everyone who posted.

Your haircut hasn't ruined your relationship. Your self esteem being wrapped up in how you look has ruined your relationship.

That. I'm losing my hair and it won't grow back like yours will. It sucks, and I won't pretend that it hasn't distressed me at times. But I know I'm more than my hair, and I know that the people who love me know that too.

If you are interested there’s a heap of videos on YouTube about having had a bad hair cut, with suggestions for what you can do to make it better.

I searched you tube using key words ‘fix bad hair cut women’.

I’ve got crap hair anyway, and I’ve had so many bad haircuts The worst was a really severe short haircut. I wasn’t watching, and by the time I did look up the damage was done. No going back. Freaking hairdresser gave me a severe man’s business cut. (I think he hated women). I really looked like a man. And got mistaken for a man one time, by a man in a petrol station.

Everyone I know, on first seeing me after the haircut said nothing, just widened their eyes and said nothing. That’s how bad it was. And all I could do was wait for it to grow, as it was so very short.

If I was you I’d watch the YouTube videos and work out a couple of different things you can do to make it look better, and then go the very best hairdresser you can afford, or find someone who has a great haircut and ask who their hairdresser is. Just have a consultation, they might not even advise cutting it. They might suggest a way of doing your hair - a hairstyle - that turns a bad haircut into something nice. And show you how. Professional advice, is the best way to go.

And yep, do some work on your self worth. Best wishes OP.

I'm amazed by some the of nastiness here

Trying to encourage someone to work on their self esteem through name calling and condescension is an interesting approach

OP there's so much more to you than hair. What are your hobbies, skills, interests? What makes you special? Maybe you're a particularly generous person or a caring friend or the ideal person to have around in a crisis? I totally get where you're coming from with the hair thing as I've had similar experiences myself but it doesn't define you

Flash news: he was not in a relationship with you for the hair cut. Jokes apart you need to sit with this man and tell him exactly what you told a bunch of strangers and what's pulling you back (sorry but he's going to flip). If you'd rather tell your a bunch of strangers than sit and talk with your partner then you have no business being in a relationship. Consider therapy.

Nobody should describe themselves as the crap prize in a raffle.
If he is posting about beautiful women, then I would not go back to that relationship.
Try to focus on knowing your own worth. As cliche as it sounds, beauty really does come from within.
Your hair will grow back, but in the meantime, perhaps by a new outfit, get hair extensions-anything to boost your confidence without having it needing to come from being with a man who clearly doesn’t treat women right.

I have thick wavy hair. I get where you are coming from about the haircut. If your hair is difficult in the first place, this won't have helped.

Take positive actions. Feel grateful it will grow back. For now, find one hairstyle that makes the day bearable. I promise there will be one. Suggestions: a thick alice band or silk scarf ties around? Half up half down do with claw clips.... can do one either side if top layer too short? Putting something like cantu curl activator in to define the texture and hold in place?

Move forward from the relationship. Any man posting about being surrounded by beautiful women is either desperate or very immature. He's not the one for you. He's weeding out women with healthy self esteem with that statement and men who seek women with low self esteem tend to be abusive. He's trying to attract a woman who is grateful that he chose her, despite all the beautiful women he's around. Don't be that grateful woman.

I mean this in the kindest possible way but I think you need therapy for low self-esteem because if you're this hyper focused on your looks you're going to have a miserable life. Everyone gets worse looking over time so you need to stop focusing so much on physical appearance or it's going to be very hard for you when you start aging...

The relationship sounded stressful anyway. From experience, on/off relationships aren't worth it and either don't last or are forever toxic.

I'm going through one of the worst years of my life at the moment and i'd consider myself very lucky if all I had to worry about was a bad haircut... Hair does grow back and you'll probably laugh about this in the future.

👏👏👏👏

I think everyone has had awful hair cuts, I don't go to the hairdresser anymore due to hair loss, no amount of money or professional help will change my awful stringy fluffy strands!🤣

I do remember paying a lot of money to have red and blonde streaks put in, circa 2000?? Except the hairdresser didn't know what she was doing so the red and bleach merged so I walked out looking like a peach. I smiled said thank you and paid!!

Anyway you have my sympathy, I do think though that this kind of incident should maybe not cause this much trouble in your relationship ? It sounds flippant but it is only hair, what would happen to you and your life if you gained a lot of weight due to medication etc, or you developed something that showed up on your skin? Yes it would be awful but we are what we are on the inside and our appearance is like a zipped up costume.

This.

Why was the relationship ‘never straightforward’ and ‘on and off’?

Agree with PPs that this much focus on a perceived to be bad, bob length hair cut, could be a sign you’re not ‘in a good place’ mental health wise.