Dating a widower

[Advice444]

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

I think you need to think what you want. Keeping the relationship secret is one thing, choosing not to see you on your birthday is something else. It’s one thing to allow for the circumstances, and his grief to impact significantly on how things are. It’s quite another for you to simply accept everything has to be dictated by him, and to suit him.

This is not a criticism of him in any way, he is doing what he needs /wants to. It doesn’t mean he isn’t being selfish ( ime grief often can’t be anything else). It also doesn’t mean you need to accept it. It isn’t working for you at the moment, and a precedent is being set here ( not about meeting the DC/family/friends ). You would be wise to seriously think about stepping back, and allowing yourself some space on your own to see things more clearly. You might think it will be impossible because you’re in love. It won’t be easy, but far more difficult further down the line particularly if he decides to end it.

The "relationship" is over. He needed a recovery shag. Normal.

You sound about 12, leave "the kids" out of it. Have some self respect. Drop the histrionics. The man will not be available for a relationship for years, let alone months.

Your friend is bored of you and your drama and self pity.

Because she has been breathtakingly selfish and ghoulish in her pursuit of 'answers' that fit her narrative

And she's still playing the victim

If she'd come on here saying - how can I make this easier for the bereaved kids, what do they need? She'd have got a better response

But even after being told this guy is patently not ready for whatever relationship she wants she remains focused on her wants and desires to the extreme detriment of everyone else involved

I really hope he is distancing himself as he has seen her true colours.

If she has been even vaguely mature and empathetic it might have worked. But that's not who she is. Her posts are disturbing. And a grieving family don't need this shit from an adult woman. A parent no less.

Sorry but I did not enter into this to give him a 'recovery shag' I entered into this as he told me (ans continues to tell me) he wants a relationship and has strong feelings for me.

It is very hurtful to suggest I have been complicit in 'a recovery shag'. I don't sleep around. Intimacy is something I don't take lightly at all. Not that it's anyone's business but I don't sleep around and have an extremely low body count. I have a quire old fashioned attitude towards sex and only partake once in a relationship etc which we are apparently in. If he'd of outrightly asked for friends with benefits/casual sex etc I'd have sent him packing as its not my thing at all and he knows that ! Dating and relationships only for me!

But as I said all I can do on here is tell you what is happening and what I've been told. As it stands he tells me he wants me and he cares about me / has strong feelings for me. But obviously I don't know what the future holds for us :/

Thankyou so mjch for defending me. Ive been shocked by some of the comments myself. It seems to be the same repeat offenders though. 🙄🙄
My intention was to ask for advice and support, not to be knocked down and pulled apart. Thanks for the support xx

I know , it's such a shame . Thankyou for your support. Thankyou for sharing your advice too and for seeing both sides.
I don't mind being kept a secret /hidden for the time being as throufg helpful people on here I have learnt that's the norm for widowers. I suppose what I want ultimately is for him to mean the things he's promised and said about wanting be serious with me /live together and have kids etc in the future even if that's not right now. I just love him and want him on my life and want us ultimately to work out down the road in response to you asking what I want xx

@Advice444 you've been given advice. Just not the ones you wanted

He's not ready for the type of relationship you want. End of.

You do with that what you want. But stop pestering grieving posters for their personal stories to make you feel better. Another poster described it as vampiric. And that's exactly what it is

Maybe focus on your kid.

I did a similar thing to you once, I got involved with a man I had known since my teens and I fell hard for him. Problem was, he was separating from his wife but he was still living in the house.

He was able to leave after about a year, and promised me that we would have children (i was 37 and had always wanted kids), get married in the future, all of that. That never happened, it turns out that though he had strong feelings for me, that his emotions were all over the place and he wasn't in the right place at that point to have the relationship I wanted/deserved. But I overlooked all of that because I loved him. He even admitted that I had been a distraction from his feelings, which after 2 years of being there for him and putting my own needs second made me feel idiotic and hurt. I was effectively used to make his own life better, to give him an escape from his reality at that point.

A man who has just lost his gf in this way would not be in the right place to be promising what he is promising, and I hate to say it I imagine that you are a pleasant distraction to him also.

I learnt a hard lesson - and if I were you now I would give him space/time to grieve and if you are meant to be together you will be somewhere along the line. Your comment about your birthday shows that it hurts you, and these things will sting and hurt and you will find it difficult. Don't do this to yourself.

I think you are not too bright if you consider 3 months after a (his) partners death, a partner with whom he has a child, promising you the world yet ignoring you in public is even worth discussion.

You are utterly irrelevant to these children.

Oops, sorry, xx

He is possibly scared at being judged as well

Many thought it was too early for me to meet my now 2nd dh and that was 9mths on

Some friends found it really hard , esp if they were friends with my dh who died ,

I certainly wasn't looking and tbh scared to death to dip a toe back in and felt so guilty about being kissed

But I went away to oz that was previously booked to see a friend and over there I missed speaking to this man so we decided to try dating when I came back

But as I've said previously I had no kids so it really is different

When my mil found out about my new relationship she found it really hard

But surprisingly dead dh siblings were much more supportive

@adriftabroad your posts are positively vile..get a grip and vent your spleen elsewhere

Report them. they are not vile, they are honest, After days of watching OP bang on about a poor 14 year old.

CORRECTION: 10 year old

@adriftabroad then don't follow it..the nastiness in your posts is unhealthy..

Oops sorry xx

I will do what I want xx

@adriftabroad sums you up..have a glorious weekend xx

@Breakingpoint1961 sums you up. Have a glorious weekend. xx

🤣sadly we are hijacking a serious thread..I'm outta here..but you do what you want ok..

👋

The reason why some posters are so censorious is that OP is relentlessly disingenuous and self centered. She spent the majority of the thread mining widowed posters’ posts for support for her belief that its twu wuv and only the timeline is at issue. She is laser focused on her own needs and only pays lip service to the notion that she is intruding on this broken family’s life. She is incapable of imagining herself in the wrong for pursuing (or getting involved with since Im sure she will deny she pursued him) this little family 3 months after the gf’s death.

It is revolting, ghoulish, and selfish but the part that I think is the most upsetting to posters is its relentless self absorption. I think posters who have remonstrated with OP only to be ignored, talked over, or proforma thanked without OP missing a step in her headlong career are frightened of her. Because we imagine this relentless, self absorbed, limpet like creature introduced to these Vulnerable children or into this man’s social circle and we shudder at the harm it will do all the while OP ignores everything to get ehat she wants.

I've name changed from my last post but I totally get where OP is coming from. When I first started dating DP I didn't have a clue about how to deal with anything. I expected to meet a man who yes was a widower but had all his emotions in order and ready to move on (naive I know) what I entered was a minefield. Our relationship as it progressed exposed feelings of guilt, renewed grief for his late wife, more guilt for his children, guilt about not being able to hide it all from me. You name it we went through it.
I searched endless amounts of article and bought books, joined forums to understand the minutiae of his feelings because i daren't ask and risk being insensitive or demanding. I felt so alone and lost.
I wanted to be understanding but also I had my own needs. Previous posters who have berated OP for staying its hard for this dating are being somewhat unfair. If you haven't lived it then you simply don't know.
I was OP and I recognise the desperation in understanding how she can best support them all but still feel valued and progress in a relationship but constantly mindful about their grief.
Her DP has been unfair in telling her all about wanting a future and kids etc. he's given her hope but the actions don't match the words. If you took his widower status out of the equation we would be accusing him of future faking but you add grief into the mix and it's poor DP. it is an absolute minefield. Whether to tell the kids or in-laws again fraught with what ifs and can go either way.
I am 10 years down the line. Have an amazing life and a parent to three children who came into my life. Their mum is remembered fondly and often. They are open with their grief still and time has allowed me to separate their grief for their mum and not think they don't want me here.
It's been very hard and we have all wanted to walk away at some point but here we are. I can't tell you what to do and although we are all settled and happy now. If I'm honest with myself. I don't know how we made it and absolutely would not do it again.

I have just realised I commented on this thread twice!
With very similar posts but got one thanking me and another a bit dismissive?

As I'm still here as a man who lost his partner/wife relatively young so I'll once again try to give my side?

With regard to the In Law/family side of things it can be very hard as you feel almost like you are disrespecting their daughter by dating again, I had known my In Laws for almost 40 years and I was like the son they never had, my M-i-L was very supportive and happy for me, F-i-L took a lot longer to accept the situation. (I guess that's a protective father)

On the children side of things that's a whole area where I'm not going to give any advice as its so personal/complicated, but age and family dynamic will have a massive bearing on that.

I don't think anyone has really been saying "poor DP", I think we have all criticised him for his behaviour too. He has been future-faking without a doubt. He might not have realised it at the time but it was still very selfish of him to pursue a relationship when he must have known he was emotionally damaged.