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Original poster

Dating a widower

528 replies

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 12:51

Hello,
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain out of this. Just looking possibly for some advice. I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His girlfriend died 9 months ago. (Please no judgement on this as I know everyone grieves differently and dates at different points in their journey).

I am in love with this man. I truly am in love with him. However I'm struggling. He has only told his work colleagues and sister about me. He hasn't told his parents or his late girlfriends family. Should they know by now or not ? I've asked him and he won't tell them yet, says it's too soon.
He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. I've asked him his though on telliNG her ans again it's a no she isn't ready yet.

Any advice or thoughts or help?

I'm head over heels for this man, so I don't want to leave. I've caught major feelings so it's too late for that. I really do love him. But any advice or perspective would be good. Found myself in tears earlier about it all.
Advice from widowers would be extra appreciated!

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 05/10/2023 14:18

Advice444 · 05/10/2023 14:15

Just above you said you wished I was a absolute troll 🙄 That may not be hurtful to you but it is to me because this is my life and it discredit everything I've said / any advice which I've plucked up the courage to ask for.

And that's just off the top of my head

Show quote history

Maybe think about how you’re coming across when people - especially someone like me who is married to a widower with a child - are hoping you’re a troll.

People are replying to your posts and your words so your whinging about “you don’t know the facts” is all on you. People can only reply to what you say.

And yes, I do hope you’re a troll for the sake of those children.

Original poster
Advice444 · 05/10/2023 14:20

sodthesodoff · 05/10/2023 14:15

@Advice444 where have you shown any consideration for what's best for the kids?

God I hope you're a troll.

You have to be joking? The whole joint purpose of his thread was to ask if the kids should know or that ??!! That's entirely taking the kids into consideration. I didn't steamroll past their feelings. I didn't demand my boyfriend tell them. I didn't tell them myself. All of these options would have been selfish and inconsiderate of the kids feelings.

But I didn't do any of that. Instead I asked anonymously for advice on here re telling them and if we should . And I've taken it on board.
I think asking for advice re the kids rather than rushing in and thinking I know best and telling them clearly shows I think of them and am adult enough to admit I don't have all the answers and need advice.

So yes this whole thread was started by me to ask for advice on telling the family and kids. So for me that is an example of taking their feelings into account. I know you now obviously won't agree but it's true.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 05/10/2023 14:24

The whole joint purpose of his thread was to ask if the kids should know or that ??!!

Genuine question.

Why do you think people on here would know better than their father and step father, who knows them better than you and better than everyone on here, if they should know?

He’s made his position very clear to you.

sodthesodoff · 05/10/2023 14:24

@Advice444 you want the children to know because it's best for YOU. You don't give a fuck what's best for THEM

Besides which when people said no. You didn't accept that did you?

No. Because you want what you want. And you keep asking questions until you get what you want to hear.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 05/10/2023 14:25

So yes this whole thread was started by me to ask for advice on telling the family and kids. So for me that is an example of taking their feelings into account.

It’s actually not. It’s you expressing your feelings of unhappiness at them not being told. Two very different things.

MsPavlichenko · 05/10/2023 14:27

Regardless of all the advice one way or another, you have agency here. You are clearly, rightly or wrongly not happy with what is on offer in this relationship. You say you can’t leave it because you are in love. You can. It’s not easy but is something people have to do sometimes for various reasons.

The amount of head space you are giving it here and talking with your unpleasant friend isn’t healthy. It must be affecting your relationship with your DC even if indirectly. Give yourself a talking too, and be strong. Walk away , and see how things pan out. Or stick with it and end the agonising.

If the relationship entirely secret, based on meeting only at home/sex with no trips/meetings elsewhere I’d strongly suggest you leave by the way.

HappyintheHills · 05/10/2023 14:48

Advice444 · 05/10/2023 14:20

You have to be joking? The whole joint purpose of his thread was to ask if the kids should know or that ??!! That's entirely taking the kids into consideration. I didn't steamroll past their feelings. I didn't demand my boyfriend tell them. I didn't tell them myself. All of these options would have been selfish and inconsiderate of the kids feelings.

But I didn't do any of that. Instead I asked anonymously for advice on here re telling them and if we should . And I've taken it on board.
I think asking for advice re the kids rather than rushing in and thinking I know best and telling them clearly shows I think of them and am adult enough to admit I don't have all the answers and need advice.

So yes this whole thread was started by me to ask for advice on telling the family and kids. So for me that is an example of taking their feelings into account. I know you now obviously won't agree but it's true.

Show quote history

Have any of the bereaved people you directed your question to advised that the children should be told?

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/10/2023 14:49

should be worried he won't tell his child and stepchild about me..

*If that's the only reason you came on for advice then no don't be worried

It's perfectly normal under his circumstances

I didn't have any children when dh died so only me to consider

But 2/3 friends sadly over the years have also lost their husbands and they had children and it is a different ballgame when comes to dating

It's stil such early days for him so not telling his children about you while he is still grieving and getting past the first year and first everything is normal*

Original poster
Advice444 · 05/10/2023 15:47

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/10/2023 14:49

should be worried he won't tell his child and stepchild about me..

*If that's the only reason you came on for advice then no don't be worried

It's perfectly normal under his circumstances

I didn't have any children when dh died so only me to consider

But 2/3 friends sadly over the years have also lost their husbands and they had children and it is a different ballgame when comes to dating

It's stil such early days for him so not telling his children about you while he is still grieving and getting past the first year and first everything is normal*

Thankyou very much for that wisdowm and the kind non judgemental post. I appreciate it :)

OP posts:
Myfabby · 05/10/2023 17:46

@Advice444

The mask has slipped fully. All the cutesy probing messages you sent widows with x on the end have stopped. I thought your friend was mean and harsh. I now kinda understand where she is coming from.

My prayer is you never get to step mother stage for either of those poor children. and that he finds someone much better than you.

Original poster
Advice444 · 05/10/2023 18:45

MsPavlichenko · 05/10/2023 14:27

Regardless of all the advice one way or another, you have agency here. You are clearly, rightly or wrongly not happy with what is on offer in this relationship. You say you can’t leave it because you are in love. You can. It’s not easy but is something people have to do sometimes for various reasons.

The amount of head space you are giving it here and talking with your unpleasant friend isn’t healthy. It must be affecting your relationship with your DC even if indirectly. Give yourself a talking too, and be strong. Walk away , and see how things pan out. Or stick with it and end the agonising.

If the relationship entirely secret, based on meeting only at home/sex with no trips/meetings elsewhere I’d strongly suggest you leave by the way.

I know , I do try and ignore my friend but I literally see her every day so I can't really get away from it. And she's a very confident /loud sort of person and she has no qualms about telling me her thoughts on him and our relationship.. it is hard going. I do try my best (and will continue to try my best ) to blot out what she says but I'm not the sort of hard hearted person that can just brush stuff off. What she says sticks and it makes me feel paranoid.
It's largely why I started this thread listening to her tbh.

At the moment it's a mixture of both. Sometimes we go out for food /walk and sometimes we stay in and watch a film and have dinner and I stay over. It varies what we do. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Advice444 · 05/10/2023 18:48

I doubt I will be seeing him very much this month. He is going away to see a concert with friends in a different city for 2 days. And then a football match another day. And he is going to a party on my birthday.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2023 21:03

Advice444 · 05/10/2023 18:48

I doubt I will be seeing him very much this month. He is going away to see a concert with friends in a different city for 2 days. And then a football match another day. And he is going to a party on my birthday.

Good! So spend this time 'relearning' your life without him in it. You got along fine before he strolled into your life, you can get along fine without him! See friends, go out, do whatever you choose. And spend your birthday with people you enjoy, don't sit and mope because he's not there.

I know your friend refers to you as his 'dirty little secret'. Well, you aren't dirty, but you are a secret and he appears to want to keep it that way. So you can either be content to 'lurk in the shadows' until/if he's ever ready to bring you out into the open or you can tell him that he needs more time to grieve and get his head and life back on track so you are gracefully bowing out to allow him to do so. I know which I'd choose.

You need to remember that you can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean they are right for you or that you are right for him. Or that the time is right for either of you. And yes, you can 'get over' this, it'll just take time and determination.

Basilton · 06/10/2023 06:23

Advice444 · 28/09/2023 13:43

I think it's unfair to say it's all about me. I haven't posted everything on here obviously but I have accepted a lot within this relationship. More than I've posted on here. The reason I asked about the date frequency is as I said we've dated weekly for months and I am concerned him changing it to every 2/3weeks is a red flag that he isn't interested. (That's normally the case for non bereavement relationships anyway when they start decreasing the frequency of dates ).
He has expressed a desire to have kids together and to live together in the future.... adding this in case its relevant

He started dating you within three months of the mother of his child dying. I suspect that he has realised it was too much too soon and I am inclined to think he is right. I really think you need to step away.

Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 06:28

DrowsyDragon · 28/09/2023 12:59

I'm a widow. My husband was an alcoholic and our marriage was pretty much over a year before his death, plus we were living apart. I have two young children, one pre primary, one in primary and I've just started seeing someone who is also an old old friend. There's no way in hell I'd be telling my in laws at six months in. I might just be thinking about introducing him to my children. I've also told friends but not my parents. He's not being unreasonable at all. You are being selfish. His in laws and step daughter are still in the first throes of their grief, why on earth would they need to know about you? He's told his colleagues and his sister, you've met his son, for goodness sake, give them all time.

This

Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 06:47

I see it from both points of view.
Hes trying to save more hurt atm to the kids... it is imho too soon to bring in a 'friend'. Id say couple year at least. He sounds a good man but only by what youve told us.. Its also id say too soon for him too..hes trying to think of everyone, maybe incase this doesnt work out and he doesn't have to undo the mental hard work hes done with the kids. Also it could be that hes keeping you around once a week for when hes ready, which is unfair on you.
If you need commitment now(people knowing) it's not the relationship for you..also do you want to be waiting for years?
Theres a lot of thinking to do, but id start by asking him if hes putting you on the back burner, nm his children and him not telling people. You dont want to waste years on someone whereas youre a once a weeker.
I see both sides ..its difficult isn't it. Hes busying himself with others when he could knock one of those events on the head a month, we all need our own friends' time to ourselves i think hes not ready for full time yet. If that's not what you want, its a mismatch

JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 06/10/2023 06:57

It sounds like the break will do you both good.
He's rebuilding his life and he is right not to make you central in that.

Breakingpoint1961 · 06/10/2023 07:11

OP I dated a man who was separated, his wife died 9 months into our relationship, diagnosed with cancer 3 months into it, so he hadn't told her, or his dd about me. I was 'hidden' which, at the time, was very difficult for me, but absolutely the right thing to do.

I was introduced as a friend 6 months after she died, as he had no support for his dd so would not have been able to see me at all. It was kept strictly friendly, no displays of affection, dd came first (14 years old with special needs) and foremost. I was never going to be a replacement Mum, that was not my role. In fact, it was a very sad situation to be honest, very stressful for all concerned.

Looking back (we were together for some time) it was too early even as 'friends' and I should've left the relationship. If it's meant to be, you can come back to it, at least he has support with his DC to see you, unlike mine did. His DC must come first, no negotiation there.

I would leave it OP, as hard as it may be, you'll get deeper in and the hurt will be harder to get over.

sunglassesonthetable · 06/10/2023 09:11

I doubt I will be seeing him very much this month. He is going away to see a concert with friends in a different city for 2 days. And then a football match another day. And he is going to a party on my birthday.

I was always doing stuff after OH died. People were always asking me out to do things and arranging things to get me out. It was out of kindness. It was non stop to be honest and all part of the blurr.

It's such a strange, sad place to be OP. I wanted it and didn't want it iykwim. ( maybe you don't )

You can choose to be around this situation OP or not. This man is doing nothing out of the ordinary. He is doing right by the kids. He is doing right by his wider family. You can't see him more because of the kids, No.

That would only be better for you not the kids.

If it is making you sad to be kept as a secret and only certain days I totally get that. It's hard. But you have choice.

You can choose to leave. But you can't force a CHANGE to the kids lives by seeing him more.

Original poster
Advice444 · 06/10/2023 09:31

sunglassesonthetable · 06/10/2023 09:11

I doubt I will be seeing him very much this month. He is going away to see a concert with friends in a different city for 2 days. And then a football match another day. And he is going to a party on my birthday.

I was always doing stuff after OH died. People were always asking me out to do things and arranging things to get me out. It was out of kindness. It was non stop to be honest and all part of the blurr.

It's such a strange, sad place to be OP. I wanted it and didn't want it iykwim. ( maybe you don't )

You can choose to be around this situation OP or not. This man is doing nothing out of the ordinary. He is doing right by the kids. He is doing right by his wider family. You can't see him more because of the kids, No.

That would only be better for you not the kids.

If it is making you sad to be kept as a secret and only certain days I totally get that. It's hard. But you have choice.

You can choose to leave. But you can't force a CHANGE to the kids lives by seeing him more.

I know i can't see him more because of the kids. I've never implied I want to force that. I feel my thread has been misinterpreted-I only asked for advice on whether the kids should know or not. I've never implied they should be forced to see me. And ive never told him that either. I don't want that. I have never on this thread nor irl wanted the kids to be forced to see me. I don't know why the thread is misinterpreted as anything other than me asking advice

And yes I assumed that was what was happening with people asking him out all the time. I can't deny I'm a bit disappointed he said yes to the invitation on my birthday however. X

OP posts:
JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 06/10/2023 09:34

@Advice444 your last post is very disingenuous. You are very much pushing. Your OPwas much milder but all posts since have been a desperate attempt to get information from widows that you can use to further your relationship despite the impact that would have on the children.

Original poster
Advice444 · 06/10/2023 09:34

Breakingpoint1961 · 06/10/2023 07:11

OP I dated a man who was separated, his wife died 9 months into our relationship, diagnosed with cancer 3 months into it, so he hadn't told her, or his dd about me. I was 'hidden' which, at the time, was very difficult for me, but absolutely the right thing to do.

I was introduced as a friend 6 months after she died, as he had no support for his dd so would not have been able to see me at all. It was kept strictly friendly, no displays of affection, dd came first (14 years old with special needs) and foremost. I was never going to be a replacement Mum, that was not my role. In fact, it was a very sad situation to be honest, very stressful for all concerned.

Looking back (we were together for some time) it was too early even as 'friends' and I should've left the relationship. If it's meant to be, you can come back to it, at least he has support with his DC to see you, unlike mine did. His DC must come first, no negotiation there.

I would leave it OP, as hard as it may be, you'll get deeper in and the hurt will be harder to get over.

Thanks for sharing your experience and difficulties. I don't mind being 'hidden' as long as I know that's the normal for grieving people which I have learnt seems to be the norm now Thanks to this thread. That's entirely why I made the thread to ask for advice if it's nornal to be hidden or not.

You were hidden too so it's clearly a norm for bereaved people dating. I agree with you that its hard, but if it's the norm it's the norm xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Advice444 · 06/10/2023 09:37

Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 06:28

This

Show quote history

Yes exactly. That's why I made the thread to see if it was typical /normal or not for widowers to hide people they are dating. A lot of widowers on this thread have answered yes it's the norm. So it's been helpful to hear their advice as that's made me realise it is the norm. And as I keep saying I have no problem with being 'hidden' if I know it's a typical widowers response. Which many people have informed me it is. Which has reassured me x

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 06/10/2023 09:39

He will also not tell his reception age son that we are dating (although I have met his son on many occasions in the house and chatted/played with him and we get on well.) He will not tell his 10 year old stepdaughter (late girlfriends child from previous relationship) about us at all and I can't spend time with them if she is there. *

would like the sstepdaughter to know so we could spend time together on the weekends. I don't mind being introduced as a friend at all. We hardly have any child free time at all , so it's difficult to see each other regularly without her. If she knew we could all watch a film/have a pizza on a Friday night and I could go home afterwards. That is what I'd like really.*

Sorry OP you kind of did intimate what you'd like to happen.

And he had already told you no. You didn't think he was right?

And it just seemed like you were looking for justification for your feelings on here .

@Advice444

Original poster
Advice444 · 06/10/2023 09:40

Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 06:47

I see it from both points of view.
Hes trying to save more hurt atm to the kids... it is imho too soon to bring in a 'friend'. Id say couple year at least. He sounds a good man but only by what youve told us.. Its also id say too soon for him too..hes trying to think of everyone, maybe incase this doesnt work out and he doesn't have to undo the mental hard work hes done with the kids. Also it could be that hes keeping you around once a week for when hes ready, which is unfair on you.
If you need commitment now(people knowing) it's not the relationship for you..also do you want to be waiting for years?
Theres a lot of thinking to do, but id start by asking him if hes putting you on the back burner, nm his children and him not telling people. You dont want to waste years on someone whereas youre a once a weeker.
I see both sides ..its difficult isn't it. Hes busying himself with others when he could knock one of those events on the head a month, we all need our own friends' time to ourselves i think hes not ready for full time yet. If that's not what you want, its a mismatch

Edited

Thankyou foe the kind response. I have asked him that in the past (not recently) and he just tells me has strong feelings for me , likes me a lot and really cares for me. That's his usual response.

OP posts: