Sahm- control of finances

[Roomuma]

I am a married sahm, my husband works and is the only one earning an income.
We have shared our finances since have a conversation about this 5 years ago (where we did not initially agree)
We don’t have much money past paying for bills and rent. We have a joint account for bills. We each have money for our phones bills and our travel and then we get £50 a month personal spending money each.
he told me recently I should stop buying oat milk because we can’t afford it (he then gave me an example of a grocery he’d stopped getting) and then today he told me he was off to buy the very thing he’d told me he’d given up.
I then made a joke about “now who’s spending our money” (this really was a joke, I wasn’t bothered by it at all)
He Says “your money?” And gives me a look as thought ‘our’ money is not mine too
This really caught me off guard.
We have a conversation
He says he wants to be in control of our finances
That he was never very keen on this arrangement (where we share money 50/50 and have equal say over it )
I say that is unfair, we are equals who have both decided I will be a stay at home mum and not work
He says he thinks I have more say in decisions involving the children (I want it to be equal and feel for the most part it is although I admit I occasionally contradict him in front of the children, I know this is not ok but it’s almost a reflex when I feel he is being too harsh . Our son is also uncircumcised and our children have double barrelled names which he didn’t want) so therefore he wants to be in control of the money
It strikes me he starts a new job with a higher salary in 2 weeks
Both of us get £100 travel money a month
I am sahm so I take the kids out on buses etc a lot ( we don’t have a car) he works from home and cycles to and from the gym and wherever else.
I don’t have access to our credit card statement (which is the card we mostly use) as it’s connected to his personal bank account and he doesn’t want me to have access to that. I can use the credit card but really only to buy essentials most of the time unless I’ve specifically said I’ll buy something with it.
I’ve asked what him being in control of finances would look like and he said nothing would necessarily change, we’d still have a joint account.
i know this was a very long post so well done if you made it to the end :)

You need to be clear precisely what you want the arrangement to be

and sit down and discuss

because atm it’s just him telling you what will happen

although I admit I occasionally contradict him in front of the children,

andthis should stop

When are planning to return to work?

this might be a good time

You really need to get back to work or some sort of income. Sorry he is being so controlling.

It sounds like you are both trying to manage the household and personal expenses on too little income. The solution is for you to find work, even part-time. This gives you some financial freedom to make choices about spending, and it also makes you less dependent on him.

Your h is showing you whose money he thinks it is. It's his. It isn't but he thinks it is. This won't end well.

This happened to me. In fact my stbexh became hostile and aggressive over money and disclosing what he was spending it on. In our divorce, he's still not disclosing it despite my solicitor's requests.

Don't be me. Don't give away your power and strength and autonomy. It's awful in the end.

Go back to work. Utilise whatever childcare you can. Just keep equal in terms of money.

However much you love him, do not assume the shit can't and won't hit the fan when it comes to money.

So, now you know. You need to realize that when you elect to become a dependent, that is what you are, a dependent. That is not, by nature, a relationship that was ever intended to be between equally valuable adults. Men typically have zero appreciation for the work of housewives and even less respect for it. He does not see you as equally valuable. He has let you know that he sees you as a child/subordinate he cares for, and the money he earns is his money. That is traditionally how that type of marriage works, this nonsense that a housewife has a say in how money is spent or has any control over money has always been untrue. Many, many women naively believe the fairy tale that men want a housewife because they respect that work and think it's important, but when the rubber hits the road, they communicate what they have always believed, that it is not anything they consider worthy of respect.

If you choose to stay at home and do the difficult and important work of turning little humans into capable adults, you will have to realize that while other women realize your value, he does not and won't. If you're looking for respect and appreciation from him, you won't get it. But please know that he is WRONG, what you do IS valuable. More valuable that his 9-5 job, for sure. And harder.

That said, once those kids are in school, I would advise you to start working. That way, when they're grown, you can support yourself should you need to. Once you start earning, he will respect you more.

I'm also a sahm and I have equal access to and equal say in our finances. I wouldn't do it any other way and to be fair to my husband he was 100% happy with this. Big purchases are discussed and agreed. Neither of us spend much day to day but also, neither of us is monitoring what the other is spending on. The credit card is in husband's name and the savings account is in my name. We have a joint current account. Husband doesn't have his own account but have one that isn't really used anymore.
It's important that you feel valued by your husband for the work that you are doing. I can guarantee your days are longer and more exhausting than his.

I’m a SAHM and Dh has never ever suggested he be in control.

What we do is agree a budget every year and we both try to stick to it. We are lucky money isn’t tight so it doesn’t really matter if we go over but still the principle is we both signed up to the budget.

Why can’t you see his credit card statements?

I can’t see his credit card statements because the credit card is linked to his personal bank account ( I also have a personal bank account. £50 a month is sent to our personal bank accounts) and he doesn’t want me to have access to his personal bank account.

I’m wondering if he is getting more than £50 into his personal account.

Tell him if he wants to change your setup then the whole deal is off - you'll go back to work and he'll have to do 50 percent of childcare and household tasks.

The man has openly told you he wants to control you, up to you what you do with that information. You should not be dependent on a man who thinks you’re beneath him, get employment and the man can equally contribute to sick kids, housework, appointments.

I think it’s important to say he does contribute to 50% of the housework and cooking and does contribute with taking care of the children too.
my youngest is 2 years old and I want to be at home with her

Well, there’s your answer 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shared finances works only if there's 10% trust. I had shared finances for over 20 years until I got divorced and it was never a problem because we were on the same page, trusted each other and he still asks me for financial advice despite divorce! You need to talk

100% trust, I missed a zero!!!

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid. He does not want to share and regards his money as his and his alone.

You are being financially and economically abused by this man no two ways about it. I would seriously consider whether you want to be staying with your H going forward because he is actively enjoying this level of power and control over you. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute in this relationship. He is also resentful at you because of their double barrelled names and lack of circumcision so is using money as a means of controlling you (and in turn the kids) and otherwise placing you all at an economic disadvantage.

He likely feels you do not need a car anyway because he works from home and uses a bike to get to the gym. He's quite happy for you to continue taking the kids out and about on public transport because he does not have to do that either. I would also think he visits the dentist and gets a haircut far more often than you do.

I would also think he will try and sabotage any and all attempts for you to get back into the workplace citing the children as well.

If I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt, then I think it would be worth having a proper conversation about finances and what he means by “in control of finances”. I would probably say my DH is in “control” of our finances, but what I mean by that is that he is the one who sorts them out, keeps track of what bills are going up or down, he is the one who would look around for better deals for us whether that’s our energy bill or Sky/wifi etc. So he is “in control” of our finances in that sense, he works in the finance industry, he’s better at that side of it than me and actually quite enjoys looking on the different sites for better deals (not my idea of fun🤣). But everything is out in the open, our money is shared, there’s no secrecy at all and I can look at all of that info if I ever wanted to, whenever I want. We both have access to all accounts etc.

So if that’s what your DH means, then that may not be a massive issue. If he just wants to get organised, find better deals, see where as a household you can save money/spend better, and save etc, that’s no huge issue?

Well that sounds like he certainly pull his weight with this and working full time!!

Is he keen for you to return to work? I suspect he reasonably is and that’s why his change in stance after 5 years

Does he have details and access to your personal account?

He doesn’t want details or access but he would be welcome to them if he did

Control of the finances? So what he’s the gatekeeper. No fucking way. He’s earning more and he wants to keep it. Beware.

I asked him if he wants me to stop being a sahm and go to work and he said “I can’t stop you if you want to do that”
which wasn’t really what I asked
I will try to speak to him again later as I couldn’t get him to say much else
I want to stay at home with our youngest until she starts school. I could work part time when she starts nursery in a year