Sahm- control of finances

[Roomuma]

I am a married sahm, my husband works and is the only one earning an income.
We have shared our finances since have a conversation about this 5 years ago (where we did not initially agree)
We don’t have much money past paying for bills and rent. We have a joint account for bills. We each have money for our phones bills and our travel and then we get £50 a month personal spending money each.
he told me recently I should stop buying oat milk because we can’t afford it (he then gave me an example of a grocery he’d stopped getting) and then today he told me he was off to buy the very thing he’d told me he’d given up.
I then made a joke about “now who’s spending our money” (this really was a joke, I wasn’t bothered by it at all)
He Says “your money?” And gives me a look as thought ‘our’ money is not mine too
This really caught me off guard.
We have a conversation
He says he wants to be in control of our finances
That he was never very keen on this arrangement (where we share money 50/50 and have equal say over it )
I say that is unfair, we are equals who have both decided I will be a stay at home mum and not work
He says he thinks I have more say in decisions involving the children (I want it to be equal and feel for the most part it is although I admit I occasionally contradict him in front of the children, I know this is not ok but it’s almost a reflex when I feel he is being too harsh . Our son is also uncircumcised and our children have double barrelled names which he didn’t want) so therefore he wants to be in control of the money
It strikes me he starts a new job with a higher salary in 2 weeks
Both of us get £100 travel money a month
I am sahm so I take the kids out on buses etc a lot ( we don’t have a car) he works from home and cycles to and from the gym and wherever else.
I don’t have access to our credit card statement (which is the card we mostly use) as it’s connected to his personal bank account and he doesn’t want me to have access to that. I can use the credit card but really only to buy essentials most of the time unless I’ve specifically said I’ll buy something with it.
I’ve asked what him being in control of finances would look like and he said nothing would necessarily change, we’d still have a joint account.
i know this was a very long post so well done if you made it to the end :)

Roomuma

re your comment:
"I think its important to say he does contribute to 50% of the housework and cooking and does contribute with taking care of the children too".

All this whilst he is financially and economically abusing you to boot. He is not taking full care of them because he is putting you as their financially and economically at a real disadvantage.

How does he do this when he is working from home?. What does he do with his children day to day?. He's not taking them out and about on public transport is he; you're the one doing that. He also cycles to and from the gym; I would think his bicycle is newish as well. So he cooks too (well he is not cooking all day long); that is not a hall pass for treating you and in turn his children this abysmally. It just also shows how low your relationship bar is.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?

Would you want either of your children as adults to be in a marriage like this?. No you would not and you also deserve better than this one sided financial arrangement that only benefits him.

I can’t stop you? He’s not happy you’re at home. I wouldn’t be happy either if I was doing 50/50 housework on top of work, but I’m lazy.

I would take that response from him as a yes, go back to work.

Not only will this benefit the household by bringing in another income but it will also give you back at least some financial independence.

It’s not an excuse, but it must be a heavy burden to know that your sole income has to keep a full house and family of people going. I can imagine that when you’re in that position you probably would want quite close control of finances personally because if there is any shortfall, there’s only him who can make it up.

We clean the house at the weekends and we do alternate weekends.
We do alternate days of washing up etc

I think this is what YOU do whilst watching your child.

It sounds like money is tight and he wants you to work. SAHM is a high lux item.

I think from what he has said he feels he should have control of finances because he’s the one working and getting paid
he also thinks I have more say with the kids so he should be in control of money.
He did say it’s “his money”
whereas before we have said it is “our money”

Exactly this. This was me too. Screwed over in divorce and now earning a low income because we chose I’d raise our kids so I missed years of work and career progression…In divorce he claimed I was abusive and controlling and made all the decisions, blindsided me and everyone we knew because we all knew that was complete bollocks.

Why won’t he show you credit card bills unless he’s something to hide? Why do you have to account for everything but he gets autonomy? He’s showing you his colours, please pay attention.

In your shoes I’d get a job, even if its just one day a week, and get yourself some savings he can’t touch. They are all reasonable until divorce, then so many become assholes. Even If you’re together forever it doesnt hurt to have a rainy day fund. I ardently wish I had.

"I will try to speak to him again later as I couldn’t get him to say much else
I want to stay at home with our youngest until she starts school. I could work part time when she starts nursery in a year"

He knows how you feel and he does not care. Such selfish men do not want to share. He really does regard his money as all his and you will never get full access to his bank account or credit card statements.

Another three or so years of all this crap from him till your DD starts school will merely grind you down even more. He could well try and prevent you from working outside the home, even part time citing the children and your lack of work skills. You will in all likelihood be unable to rely on him for childcare if you were unwell enough to go into work. He is using his financial clout here to further disadvantage you economically and otherwise use as a stick to beat you with.

Would you want your children as adults to be in such a marriage?. No and you would want better for them.

I would also think you spend far longer on housework than he ever does on the weekend.

SEA-Economic-abuse-wheel_final-1.pdf (survivingeconomicabuse.org)

Look at the sections in particular marked Using Economic Abuse and Using Male Privilege

He does his fair share of housework, I can’t complain there.
I don’t think he would be against me working but I would be paid far less than him. I do not have a degree and i got pregnant with our first child when I was 19 so I don’t have much work experience. I plan to start studying a degree at home when my daughter starts a few days a week at a nursery next September

To be brutally honest, when you’re raising children on one income which leaves £50 per adult left each month after bills are paid, I would strongly suggest putting a degree on the back burner and getting a paying job instead. Especially when DH has this attitude towards money, and things are as tight as they are. Being a stay at home mum is not a given right, you can only continue that if your partner is willing to support you and the household and he’s clearly no longer happy to do that. University will always be there, but for now having some money coming in for yourself, your children and household is so much more important than getting into any debt.

It sounds like you need to choose between financial equality and staying at home. Your husband sounds like you won't be able to have both.
If it was me, I would be looking for a job ASAP.

@PointlessAddiction I hope you're ok now.

It doesn’t really sound like you can afford to be a SAHM? As hard as it is being at home, I do think perhaps he’s getting resentful because he is working full time and doing 50% of the household chores and still only getting £50 per month spending money. I can see that getting old pretty quickly. I think you need to plan to get back to work.

Considering he does an equal share of house work and wouldn’t object if you went back to work, he has a fair point about wanting to be in control of the finances if you are the one that’s in control of the choices that are made for your children.

You want the luxury of being a SAHP and you want to have the majority say when it comes to the children, so you have to sacrifice something somewhere. If you don’t like having no control over money then you need to earn some.

Get a job.

Please get a job and have your own income-now. Childcare paid from joint account

My thought to. Sounds very financially precarious, what if he loses job or can’t work due to illness

£50 spending money is incredibly low. You need to work, even if just part time. He’s probably resentful of this, hence his attitude to the finances. It doesn’t matter what was agreed, things change and stuff is a lot more expensive than it was two years ago.

If we go out for a meal together or need toiletries or a train ticket somewhere to see a friend (he went to Manchester recently) etc that is all paid from the credit card not our personal spending

Personal spending is for say a meal out with a friend or a takeaway that we aren’t getting together. I have suggested we have slightly more spending money but he thinks we don’t need it

I'm just wondering if you both have a limited personal spend and have said things are tight after the bills, maybe the credit card debt is higher than you know and he wants to clear that?

Do you mean you have suggested that both of you should have more spending money?

I know how much the credit card is each month, because he sends the money to the joint account and then pays the credit card off using that. I asked to see the credit card statement this month as it seemed quite high. He had spent £130 getting wedding gifts for his friends, I said that seemed steep and he said “just because none of your friends have or are going to get married” which isn’t necessarily true but also gave me the impression he wasn’t too worried about spending on the credit card