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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sahm- control of finances

130 replies

Roomuma · 27/09/2023 17:20

I am a married sahm, my husband works and is the only one earning an income.
We have shared our finances since have a conversation about this 5 years ago (where we did not initially agree)
We don’t have much money past paying for bills and rent. We have a joint account for bills. We each have money for our phones bills and our travel and then we get £50 a month personal spending money each.
he told me recently I should stop buying oat milk because we can’t afford it (he then gave me an example of a grocery he’d stopped getting) and then today he told me he was off to buy the very thing he’d told me he’d given up.
I then made a joke about “now who’s spending our money” (this really was a joke, I wasn’t bothered by it at all)
He Says “your money?” And gives me a look as thought ‘our’ money is not mine too
This really caught me off guard.
We have a conversation
He says he wants to be in control of our finances
That he was never very keen on this arrangement (where we share money 50/50 and have equal say over it )
I say that is unfair, we are equals who have both decided I will be a stay at home mum and not work
He says he thinks I have more say in decisions involving the children (I want it to be equal and feel for the most part it is although I admit I occasionally contradict him in front of the children, I know this is not ok but it’s almost a reflex when I feel he is being too harsh . Our son is also uncircumcised and our children have double barrelled names which he didn’t want) so therefore he wants to be in control of the money
It strikes me he starts a new job with a higher salary in 2 weeks
Both of us get £100 travel money a month
I am sahm so I take the kids out on buses etc a lot ( we don’t have a car) he works from home and cycles to and from the gym and wherever else.
I don’t have access to our credit card statement (which is the card we mostly use) as it’s connected to his personal bank account and he doesn’t want me to have access to that. I can use the credit card but really only to buy essentials most of the time unless I’ve specifically said I’ll buy something with it.
I’ve asked what him being in control of finances would look like and he said nothing would necessarily change, we’d still have a joint account.
i know this was a very long post so well done if you made it to the end :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Roomuma · 27/09/2023 19:37

Yes, in the past. Not that recently. We have always had the same amount each month

OP posts:
itscurtainsnow · 27/09/2023 19:39

Everything you’ve added give the impression he’s starting to get resentful of the current arrangement. I don’t think £130 is a lot to spend on wedding presents. Everything costs so much these days! You wouldn’t get much change from £30 for a takeaway. Unless your husband is truly a high earner I just don’t think a single income is feasible for a lot of people.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/09/2023 19:40

Roomuma · 27/09/2023 19:37

Yes, in the past. Not that recently. We have always had the same amount each month

I think if you want to be able to have conversations about the monthly amounts, you’d first need to know all of the information. With only him bringing money in, he might have a much fuller picture of what your household finances look like, hence the allocated amounts, and if he’s spending on credit cards then what that tells you os you do not have enough money.

You really need to get a job.

Original poster
Roomuma · 27/09/2023 19:42

We spend on the credit card and pay it off at the end of each month, we aren’t in debt it’s just that he wants to do this to build a better credit score

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 27/09/2023 19:42

Too much power imbalance here, I think you need to look into working, I’m afraid.

Original poster
Roomuma · 27/09/2023 19:44

I know what he is paid and what is spent on bills as that all comes out of the joint account.
i don’t know what him being in control of the finances would look like as we have been doing it together for the past 5 years.
It is only today he has said that the money is his money and he will be making decisions about money from now

OP posts:
MoonShinesBright · 27/09/2023 19:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

feelingfree17 · 27/09/2023 19:57

Please get yourself back to work ASAP. This man will never understand just how important your role is. Will always see you as beneath him.
He’s going to have to pull his finger out and support you in your new (wage earning) role.

thetrainatplatform4 · 27/09/2023 20:06

I don't think you can have your cake and it eat it personally. You want 50/50 say over finances and that your opinion/spending should carry equal weight but when it comes to the children you have overruled him on 2 pretty important issues because you obviously don't think all decisions when it comes to your children should be 50/50

HowIsItSeptemberAlready · 27/09/2023 20:16

Does his salary get paid into the joint account OP?

Original poster
Roomuma · 27/09/2023 20:18

It wasn’t possible to go 50/50 on those decisions. Some important decisions he has also had his preference. No he sends his salary to joint account

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 27/09/2023 20:22

he said “just because none of your friends have or are going to get married”

I strongly suspect this isn't the only disrespectful and demeaning thing he has to say about your friends, your family or your capabilities for that matter.

I asked him if he wants me to stop being a sahm and go to work and he said “I can’t stop you if you want to do that”

Being evasive and not answering direct questions is a technique abusers often use.

It is only today he has said that the money is his money and he will be making decisions about money from now

This is outright controlling. Love, you are now being financially abused, and from the other things you've written, I strongly suspect you are also being emotionally/psychologically abused too.

HelloGoodbye92 · 27/09/2023 20:29

itscurtainsnow · 27/09/2023 19:10

It doesn’t really sound like you can afford to be a SAHM? As hard as it is being at home, I do think perhaps he’s getting resentful because he is working full time and doing 50% of the household chores and still only getting £50 per month spending money. I can see that getting old pretty quickly. I think you need to plan to get back to work.

100% this.

Original poster
Roomuma · 27/09/2023 21:13

Thank you for all the different advice I really appreciate it, it’s good to have so many perspectives

OP posts:
SueVineer · 27/09/2023 21:31

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2023 18:12

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid. He does not want to share and regards his money as his and his alone.

You are being financially and economically abused by this man no two ways about it. I would seriously consider whether you want to be staying with your H going forward because he is actively enjoying this level of power and control over you. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute in this relationship. He is also resentful at you because of their double barrelled names and lack of circumcision so is using money as a means of controlling you (and in turn the kids) and otherwise placing you all at an economic disadvantage.

He likely feels you do not need a car anyway because he works from home and uses a bike to get to the gym. He's quite happy for you to continue taking the kids out and about on public transport because he does not have to do that either. I would also think he visits the dentist and gets a haircut far more often than you do.

I would also think he will try and sabotage any and all attempts for you to get back into the workplace citing the children as well.

How did get that from ops post?

it’s pretty clear money is tight with her not working. Calling women’s aid about that wouldn’t be appropriate

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2023 21:39

Money is tight because he is along with he regarding his wage as his and his alone. If you were to read the rest of the ops postings you will see I am not the only one saying that she is being controlled. Women’s aid would certainly be useful to contact in such cases.

CheekyHobson · 27/09/2023 22:25

@thetrainatplatform4
when it comes to the children you have overruled him on 2 pretty important issues because you obviously don't think all decisions when it comes to your children should be 50/50

I think this is a real misstatement of the mother's level of decision-making control over the children.

A double-barrelled surname IS a 50/50 decision... the alternatives are that the children take the mother's surname, or the father's surname. A double-barrelled name ticks both boxes so is completely fair. The children will have the right as adults to change their surname to whatever they want anyway, so the parents' decision here is time-limited.

As for circumcision, frankly, if the parents can't agree on whether their infant's genitals should be surgically tampered with, it should be left up to the child to make their own decision at an appropriate time. It is after all the son's body, not the mother's or the father's.

BlastedPimples · 27/09/2023 22:31

@SueVineer she's not allowed to see the full financial picture.

Is that fair?

BlastedPimples · 27/09/2023 22:35

Whether £130 is a lot to spend on wedding gifts or not, it's all relative and such expenditure should be discussed as a couple. That's the point of marriage. A partnership.

The cost of living is irrelevant in terms of being open and transparent.

Codlingmoths · 27/09/2023 23:14

Sit him down. Tell him he seems to be confused about the nature of some decisions. The surname for example is a compromise. It’s not your name. It’s not his name. Since he thinks it’s your decision, will he deed poll it over to be your name? No? Ok, will financial decisions be a compromise if you can’t agree? You are in a shaky position here.

Original poster
Roomuma · 27/09/2023 23:19

From the way he described the new dynamic he is proposing he said he will be making future financial decisions. However he said our joint account for household stuff etc will stay the same

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 27/09/2023 23:26

Uh oh.

Get a job. Start saving. Maintain your choices and your freedom.

Don't let him start dictating to you what is what. But don't confront him directly. Make sure you start your financial freedom quietly and without drama.

Lizzieregina · 27/09/2023 23:42

After our first child was born, I became a SAHM and also chief financial officer!!

I have always taken care of all things financial, bills, savings, retirement and college investments.

I did eventually do a series of part time jobs, but have never had a career. As part of my CFO duties, I set up and funded my own retirement savings.

My DH has never once said the money is his, and he acknowledges my contribution to our life. I did more of the heavy lifting on the home front, he made way more money than me.

I wouldn’t have been willing to stay home if I wasn’t an equal financial partner.

You may have to make adjustments to whether or not you work, but I would refuse to be excluded from the family financial planning.

Tinkerbyebye · 28/09/2023 00:33

Go back to work and earn your own money, you can then both split childcare costs

Thistlelass · 28/09/2023 20:37

Roomuma · 27/09/2023 18:38

He does his fair share of housework, I can’t complain there.
I don’t think he would be against me working but I would be paid far less than him. I do not have a degree and i got pregnant with our first child when I was 19 so I don’t have much work experience. I plan to start studying a degree at home when my daughter starts a few days a week at a nursery next September

If I were in your shoes I would start studying for more qualifications as soon as possible (not in 2024). I started studying for my degree when my 4th child was 9 months old. It was done with the OU. As I became better educated, the marriage fell apart. Before then I had found work in residential care. When it came to a crunch I arranged for my salary to go into my sole bank account. It pains me to say there is a price to pay for remaining a SAHM. You may well pay the price of your stupidity into your retired years.