Sahm- control of finances

[Roomuma]

I am a married sahm, my husband works and is the only one earning an income.
We have shared our finances since have a conversation about this 5 years ago (where we did not initially agree)
We don’t have much money past paying for bills and rent. We have a joint account for bills. We each have money for our phones bills and our travel and then we get £50 a month personal spending money each.
he told me recently I should stop buying oat milk because we can’t afford it (he then gave me an example of a grocery he’d stopped getting) and then today he told me he was off to buy the very thing he’d told me he’d given up.
I then made a joke about “now who’s spending our money” (this really was a joke, I wasn’t bothered by it at all)
He Says “your money?” And gives me a look as thought ‘our’ money is not mine too
This really caught me off guard.
We have a conversation
He says he wants to be in control of our finances
That he was never very keen on this arrangement (where we share money 50/50 and have equal say over it )
I say that is unfair, we are equals who have both decided I will be a stay at home mum and not work
He says he thinks I have more say in decisions involving the children (I want it to be equal and feel for the most part it is although I admit I occasionally contradict him in front of the children, I know this is not ok but it’s almost a reflex when I feel he is being too harsh . Our son is also uncircumcised and our children have double barrelled names which he didn’t want) so therefore he wants to be in control of the money
It strikes me he starts a new job with a higher salary in 2 weeks
Both of us get £100 travel money a month
I am sahm so I take the kids out on buses etc a lot ( we don’t have a car) he works from home and cycles to and from the gym and wherever else.
I don’t have access to our credit card statement (which is the card we mostly use) as it’s connected to his personal bank account and he doesn’t want me to have access to that. I can use the credit card but really only to buy essentials most of the time unless I’ve specifically said I’ll buy something with it.
I’ve asked what him being in control of finances would look like and he said nothing would necessarily change, we’d still have a joint account.
i know this was a very long post so well done if you made it to the end :)

@Thistlelass there is absolutely no need at all for your bitchy comment: "You may well pay the price of your stupidity into your retired years."

Completely unnecessary and unhelpful.

My comment is no better or worse really. I state the hard fact us that the more years we women have out of the workplace, the harder our retired years are likely to be. I was relatively 'lucky' that my divorce and 10 years out of workplace have not seen me end up just too financially disadvantaged at 66 years now (though my health not great). It is certainly not possible to live much of a life, even in receipt of the new state pension. That is only £815 every 4 weeks. And I had to wait until June this year to get it! I am one of the Waspi women born in the 1950's. Every at home mummy needs to be thinking of their retirement as they may not have the cushion of a spouse's 2 pensions.

Yes. It's shit.

Try not to disparage others meanwhile.

It hardly helps the cause, does it?

Resentment is a relationship killer. If neither of you agree on what being a family with one full-time earner in it looks like, and how it works, then sooner or later one or both of you will end up being resentful of the other.
Firstly you and your husband need to agree on what is a fair and equitable division of household chores, in a relationship with one of you as a full time working parent and the other as a SAHM.
Then you need to agree on what happens to any remaining money after all bills are paid each month.
How much on food? Transport? School uniform? Clothes? Holidays and leisure time? Gifts? Christmas? Socialising? Ability to save for a rainy day?
Then you should both agree to be financially transparent. No bank accounts/ online accounts/ credit cards etc which are either hidden or inaccessible by one spouse. How the money is spent must be agreed upon, jointly, but in a marriage it is imperative that both parties know who has what account, what gets paid into where, and both parties should have equal access to view statements, nothing hidden or unavailable to either party. Refusing to do this is very controlling behaviour and completely non-negotiable for me.
You are a team, both should value the work contribution of the other, paid work or not, and both should be able to see where the money goes. Large withdrawals/ transactions should be mutually agreed upon, (eg holidays, buying a new sofa etc) day to day small amounts (a coffee, pint of milk etc) not so much, as long as one partner is not taking the mickey.

When the children are old enough (mutually agreed at what age this is) I would recommend going back to work, for your own security and future, hours to be agreed upon, domestic chores now shared equitably.

As far as domestic duties go, personally I see the parental time with the children as being the prioritised ‘domestic’ duties for someone working long hours full time. The working parent may feel marginalised and be desperate for time with their children after a full day at work. I would rather my husband/ children got to spend time together (eg bathtime/ bedtime ) whilst I washed up, than my husband spent time with the dishes or laundry when I had had the privilege of being with them all day because he was at work earning for us. I might get flamed here but personally I view cleaning, laundry, washing up etc as being part of the deal of being the SAH parent, there is time in the day for the SAH parent to do that as well as take care of the children. I was more concerned that my husband / children got to spend some time together Monday to Friday, so he tended to do some of the evening childcare.
Financially obviously the arrangement needs to work for the family, as in be affordable and doable, but I’d resent working full time then doing dishes/ laundry in the evening instead of spending time parenting, eg doing bathtime and/ or bedtime with my children, which still releases my SAH spouse to either relax or do other stuff.
You have to find what works for both of you, be honest with each other, be totally transparent financially, and secure your career going forward as you will end up out of touch with it and earning very little into the future.
Main red flags for me here are the lack of transparency with his personal account and credit card statements, plus his regarding the money as ‘his’ to be doled out as he pleases.
Have a big, honest talk, find all the possible resentment points, work out a fair and equitable plan with an agreed timeline for you getting back into work, and give each other access to all accounts and statements with the agreement that you always tell each other what you need and why you need it.
What works for one family won’t work for another, one person’s “unreasonable” isn’t another’s, just read the AIBU threads to see that. Agreement is the main thing, honest communication, openness and an agreed plan for the future.

Thank you this comment was really helpful

Op doesn’t say that at all though. You’re just projecting. Op says they don’t have much money past rent and bills. They don’t own a car. Clearly money is tight. And she isn’t being controlled at all - she chooses not to work.

He wasn’t allowed to decide on the children’s names, is that fair?

clearly in a good relationship these matters would be all discussed and compromised on in a healthy manner. However, her dh saying they can’t afford oat milk isn’t something to get onto women’s aid about.

Have you ever seen his payslips or his P60?

You need to understand from him what ‘being in charge of the finances’ means to him, because from here it looks like he already is? He gets paid into his own account, transfers money for groceries and bills and £50 personal spending to you, but can charge what he chooses to the credit card. What more control does he want? I think it’s quite likely he’s already got more access to money than you, certainly likely more than £50.

This does not make sense, if your budget is that tight I would have thought complete transparency on both sides and working together would be the way forward to improve finances.

I had a bit of this being a SAHM but you remind your partner you staying at home saves on childcare keeps the home ticking over and enables him to continue with his life and career!! Whereas everything like that for you is on hold.

Sick to death of some women being held over a barrel for being mother's and somehow that's their fault that producing humans means they then find themselves financially dependant for a while.

Echo what many many posters above have said - get yourself a job!
You are choosing to ignore all these comments.
How much is his monthly income? how many kids do you have?

I don't think you realise that being a one income family is a huge privilege in todays world, that most people can't afford. Doesn't sound like you can afford it either, so get a job

This

Op you need to get a job

You can work in the evenings or weekends.
Even working 6pm to 11pm two evenings a week would bring in around £360 a month , thats a lot to add into the household pot.
You still get to be a full time stay at home mum during the day , but can pop out to work two nights.
Supermarkets are recruiting for Christmas staff now , check
on indeed for part time jobs local to you.

So you don't work, can't drive so screwed financially and stuck using public transport. Get a job and learn to drive, gain some independence. He will overtake you and you'll be left behind unfortunately. Make him pay for childcare.

This is so true.

It's also very easy to transfer salary being paid to a different account which SAHM cannot access.

Well, stick to this plan then and let him financially control you. What do you expect us to do?

I don’t think contributing 50% to anything gives him the right to be financially controlling.
However being full time at work, plus doing 50% of some of the things which I feel are part of the SAH parent’s remit, will start to build resentment. For me being an SAHM meant shouldering more of the domestic stuff than my full-time working husband, not just caring for/ being with the children.
If you want to be at home for your two year old you are looking at a year at least before they start full nursery education. Can you continue on a shoestring like this for another year? What will you do during the time they are at school/ nursery? Still expect 50% of the housework to be done by him? Being an SAHM was enjoyable but hard work, but I’d have felt guilty expecting my husband to do the same amount of housework as me when the children started a few hours at nursery. I wasn’t a drudge, I sometimes went for a coffee with friends and I took breaks, but I also did what needed doing at home. I had the time.
What will his resentment look like in a year’s time if he feels resentful now?
Being an SAH parent these days is sadly a luxury. Luxuries cost money. You need to work out if you can afford to not work, and also you need to agree that this is ok. I don’t think your husband thinks this is ok. You need to talk to him and compromise.

He's controlling. You need to look out for yourself and go back to work.

Please get an evening or weekend job.
Whatever you previously agreed is now not working.
His thinking has changed. I couldn't guess what the exact trigger for that is.
Life has changed, COL etc.
If buying oat milk causes a conversation then some changes need to be made.
Either replace meat with lentils, cancel things etc etc or bring cash into the household.

I have offered since this conversation to do all the housework Mon-Friday so he can spend all time after work with the kids. He says that wouldn’t make any difference as it’s not about that, it’s about my opinion having more weight that his when it comes to decisions involving the kids (I think he is talking about a few specific occasions, the circumcision and the double barrelled last name).
I don’t think he is seeing no more than £50 a month spending money and that resentment is growing due to that, he booked an all inclusive holiday (with his friend) for a couple of weeks next year using an instalment plan that has been coming out of joint money. We agreed a budget of £600 because he was initially planning on spending more than that and I objected to him spending so much on a holiday when it wasn’t a family holiday or anything.
If he wants something he does buy it. I am certain I spend less money than him, which doesn’t bother me as I am not much of a spender past the occasionally coffee from a coffee shop to be honest.
I also think it is more about him being in control over of all the financial decisions for the family and not really about splashing out on luxuries for himself.
I am looking into getting a source of income and gaining some independence ASAP.
Thank you for all the advice.

He Is also not against us spending joint money on something specific for me.
I feel it is more about him feeling like he is in control and making decisions by himself about money.. I don’t it’s about him wanting to have all the money for greed reasons. If that makes sense

The answer is not always "go back to work"!!!
In this case, the answer is him not being a dick. It's OK for a couple to agree that one will be a SAHP, but there has to be a proper arrangement which both people fully buy into.

He already controls all the finances, you don't even know how much savings he has.

With regards to him wanting equal say with the DC - them having both surnames is well equal isn't it? Not agreeing to unnecessary surgery well erm it wasn't him having it.

It sounds like he feels like he should be in control/charge. His comments about the wedding gift, again his money to be spent on his friends and how dare you question that.

Why would give up your freedom and choices by being dependent on someone else. Lots of women (including myself) manage a successful career and parenting. I would never give that power to someone else. You need to start being independent as it sounds like he's starting to resent you.

@Roomuma
It is my opinion when many men announce that they are being controlled it is because some female friend or female relative has said or suggested this to them. Her having said it does not mean that the suggestion is inaccurate.

In your situation. I would go back to work full time and begin to establish some financial independence. You may be in need of that independence should things change in your relationship.

I think that many men who initially agree to a SAH arrangement find those views challenged as they encounter successful women in the workplace who have well adjusted children and seemingly happy marriages.

Even though you will be the lower earning partner, that is a situation that should improve over time. Your daughter is old enough for nursery school, and notice ,he did not rush to agree that you are needed as a SAHM. Instead, he said that is up to you.

Nothing that is said on this forum will change your situation or his mind. Even if everyone on the forum were to say that he is wrong and you are right, his company will still issue the check in his name and ultimately, he can direct it to any account that he chooses. It only Bob becomes "our" money if he so agrees.

Do what is best for your long-term interests. You don't need to take a forum poll to know what is in your long-term interest.