Sahm- control of finances

[Roomuma]

I am a married sahm, my husband works and is the only one earning an income.
We have shared our finances since have a conversation about this 5 years ago (where we did not initially agree)
We don’t have much money past paying for bills and rent. We have a joint account for bills. We each have money for our phones bills and our travel and then we get £50 a month personal spending money each.
he told me recently I should stop buying oat milk because we can’t afford it (he then gave me an example of a grocery he’d stopped getting) and then today he told me he was off to buy the very thing he’d told me he’d given up.
I then made a joke about “now who’s spending our money” (this really was a joke, I wasn’t bothered by it at all)
He Says “your money?” And gives me a look as thought ‘our’ money is not mine too
This really caught me off guard.
We have a conversation
He says he wants to be in control of our finances
That he was never very keen on this arrangement (where we share money 50/50 and have equal say over it )
I say that is unfair, we are equals who have both decided I will be a stay at home mum and not work
He says he thinks I have more say in decisions involving the children (I want it to be equal and feel for the most part it is although I admit I occasionally contradict him in front of the children, I know this is not ok but it’s almost a reflex when I feel he is being too harsh . Our son is also uncircumcised and our children have double barrelled names which he didn’t want) so therefore he wants to be in control of the money
It strikes me he starts a new job with a higher salary in 2 weeks
Both of us get £100 travel money a month
I am sahm so I take the kids out on buses etc a lot ( we don’t have a car) he works from home and cycles to and from the gym and wherever else.
I don’t have access to our credit card statement (which is the card we mostly use) as it’s connected to his personal bank account and he doesn’t want me to have access to that. I can use the credit card but really only to buy essentials most of the time unless I’ve specifically said I’ll buy something with it.
I’ve asked what him being in control of finances would look like and he said nothing would necessarily change, we’d still have a joint account.
i know this was a very long post so well done if you made it to the end :)

Which OP husband clearly doesn’t and doesn’t appreciate it. She’s being financially abused which will only get worse. Hence, she needs a job.

Since he has his own bank account that you can't access, and you don't see the credit card bill, he ALREADY has more financial control than you do. He could be spending on all sorts of things on the credit card, without you knowing, because you don't see the bill. You say you don't have much for nonessentials. How do you know that? He could be saving in the bank account in his own name, and you wouldn't know. So, what would happen if you lost any more control over the finances, is NOT that it would equalize him and you, but that it would remove from you any control over your financial fate at all.

@aloris
What does a woman do to ensure that she has control over her financial fate?

In the past when I ask to see the credit card statement he doesn’t object to it. We look at it together

@Roomuma
OP what do you see yourself doing to take control of you financial future?

I am learning to drive and have a test next month. I’ve made an appointment with the job centre to discuss my options for remote studying and I will get a very part time job. I contacted a women’s charity, I don’t think I am being abused but I just wanted some advice so I’m booked in for a call with them too. I do love my husband very much and I am also hoping we can come up with a new dynamic that we are both comfortable with

@Roomuma
Good for you. Hopefully, the 2 of you will work through this issue, but never forget that primary responsibility for your financial well being belongs to you and is not surrender in a wedding ceremony.

You are so being abused. Remember it nerver gets better.

I don’t have any kind of pension set up.
Would it be a good idea to say we need to set up a pension scheme in my name ?

@Roomuma
If you get a job a pension will be set up in your name. Asking him to set up a pension in your name is equivalent to once again surrendering control of your financial future.

What is your plan for your financial future? He is moving forward with strides and steps towards his financial future. What independent strides and steps are you taking?

@Roomuma I’m not married but have 3 DC with my partner , even though we are not married , Im joint named on the mortgage and he has signed over all work pensions to me. Also named in life insurance etc. Please ensure you are safe in all these eventualities.
I didn’t even have to ask , my DP organised all of this .
It will make you feel so much more secure.
Also I must say , I have my own small pension from working part time which will help .

My dh is now saying that future family savings etc will also be in his name and any investments aswell. He says they will ultimately be for the family’s Benefit not just his but that they will be accounts in his name and under his control

He said he feels like he doesn’t have enough say and control when it comes to the children, it feels for him like ultimately I always have the final say if I feel strongly about matters about the children
He wants to feel like he also has control of something within the family.

I appreciate that I have already had a lot of Advice and there isn’t much more anyone can say or suggest

Have the conversation where you agree to having equal say over parenting and finances. It won’t matter whose name anything is in if you get divorced, it’s all in the same ‘pot’ and will be divided equally.
However, who has more ‘say’ over what happens with your children versus who has complete control over the finances is not an equal balance of ‘power’ in the relationship. The finances affect everyone, including the children, so in controlling the finances he is very much having control over you and them, too. Do not accept this.

Did you not have a job before you had children??

All OP has described isn't financial abuse! Ridiculous how people jump to that so quickly.

Roles reversed most women would find this ridiculous. He does 50/50 when he can, but you refuse to pick up some of the financial burden. Being home with a 2yo is a luxury... not a right

My Dh also wanted me to be a stay at home mum.
I didn’t have a job before having children because I had children as soon as I left education

I have also offered to do all of the housework. He said that solves nothing

I also don’t think I am being abused but I don’t think what he is proposing is right either

He should of course still do 50% of the housework and 50% childcare after work and at weekends, to make it equal, as she is working full time looking after the children during working hours.

Taking control of the finances is abuse. It has always been abuse, but it has only recently been recognised in law as abuse.

We are still discussing it and of course I won’t agree to it but when it comes down to it I’m not sure there’s much I can really do to change his mind

You need a job, which does not go into joint account. Childcare needs to be a shared expense or he can quit work and look after them. And you need to record somewhere safe everything he’s said about money and investments and every hint he drops about savings to try and make sure he can’t hide too much in the case of a divorce.

he doesn’t want to do more parenting, he wants an argument to justify his taking access to money off you. It’s important you don’t hide his controlling from others. If people ask about you two going away, you say I don’t know I can’t arrange it, Dh doesn’t let me have access to money. See what he thinks about other peoples opinion.

Are you sure he’s not having his pay split? Sounds like he might be having a portion deposited directly into his personal account and that’s why he doesn’t want you to have any access.

It's nothing to do with the children, he's just saying that as a distraction.

I think all savings should be in both your names as well as investments.

You really are in a vulnerable position and unless you get working asap it will only get worse.