Dating Thread 243

[VenturingOut80]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I disagree but that’s where we’re all different. I’d much rather someone sent me a proper message later in the day than a hi instantly.
My initial thought - rightly or wrongly - is they say hi to literally ever match with absolutely no effort involved.

I see waiting, having a think and putting thought into the initial exchange as showing more interest.

I live in Essex and the most recent ones were in Norwich and Cirencester 🤷‍♀️

Im 5’7 and this morning had one who was 5’3

The problem for me is that many don’t ever say hello so regardless of when you match or say hello. It often results in silence.

Wessexguy
I rarely message matches straightaway. Usually because I'm swiping at 5am when I get up for work.
But I also like time to think of an opening message. My 3 silent bumble matches have 5hrs left to reply. I probably waited around 2-3hrs after matching before I sent them messages. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Silent matches are very annoying! I wish the apps did more to stop this happening.

SamW98
I've only just discovered Best Bees. Mine all seem to be in London. I'm 50ish miles from the edge of London. Too far for me.

Yeah women go a bit younger and older. Men are weird, closes their options. Makes women feel like shit and makes them look bad.

Disturbing Agree with you there.
I remember when I was 40, chatting to a man who was also 40, he told me his age range was 25-40 & got all arsey when I said I didn't want to talk to him then.

So off putting isn't it even if you fall within the range, it says so much about them. A man who values youth has NO value to me even if he has other amazing qualities.

I once messaged a man 2 years older than me who replied saying if only I’d lied about my age he would have dated me but I’m far too old - yet he was older than me and probably lying about his own age 🤷‍♀️

I have friends who have lied about their age because lots of men put their cut off at 45. Its a strange dynamic but I've certainly noticed a drop in attention since I got past 45.

That's completely bonkers!!

One of my friends, mid 40s, had a couple of dates with a guy who was 51. He told her he would never date a woman over 50 because they were all fake.

He thought women in their 50s were all caked in makeup, dyed their hair and were having botox or similar to hide their wrinkles.

At that point my friend decided he wasn't really for her as he'd probably dump her as soon as she turned 50 for a younger model.

I got accused of lying about my age on a date. It was bizarre.

'Now, you say on your profile that you are 41'. (Silence)

'Er, yes, is that a statement or a question?!'

His answer 'Well obviously you aren't 41, I was giving you a chance to tell the truth'.

Think I blew his mind a bit by answering that with 'Well I am telling the truth, there's not a single lie on my profile, & as a matter of fact, I'm nearly 42'.

Coming from the man who was, in fact, lying about being single.

I have a spreadsheet of past dates (can you see why I'm single 🤣)
Just been looking through this year's comments to see if I'm just being too fussy, as my friends say.

Here's the summary I wrote of my dates, numbers are their age:

1. 60, Semi retired, renovating his house, said he was looking for a 'girl' to live with when he finished. But probably not me as I wasn't likely to retire soon.
2. 59, weird, want to play a game of guess which celebrity is dead or alive
3. 55, said he enjoyed our date but I was too old for him
4. 53, widower, date was going very well until he said his wife had only recently died & he just wanted sex.
5. 57, nice date, he phoned me the next day asking if I was free for lunch there & then, when I said no he blocked me
6. 59, one who would do more if he had a partner
7. 57, very weird, seemed ok on the phone, in person just talked all about himself. Agreed we weren't really a good match, then sent me an abusive message saying I was punching above my weight.

There's more! And they don't get any better.

I've had one like me on hinge this morning in an attempt to get me to match- who has clearly forgotten we've already met, had a snog and said we'd meet again - then I never heard from him again. It's nice to know I'm so memorable as this is the second one in past few months to have done this 😄

@NellyTheCake

Oh you’ve inspired me I’m going to put together a list of mine and report back

We may have some crossover as we're similar age and I'm close to Essex border

Part 2 of this year's dates
I think this list tells me I need to filter better at the chatting stage

1. 59, racist, the guy behind the bar looked like he was going to step in and save me
2. 45, one of my best dates, we met twice then he said he was moving 80miles away to be closer to his family. We're still penpals

10. 60, got on brilliantly until the point he said he was only looking for sex 11. 50, widower, had 4 dates then he said his kids didn't like him dating 12. 48, had 3 dates, got on really well then he said he was giving up dating to spend time with his kids. One month later his fbook showed he was in a relationship 13. 59, out of date photos, turned up in scruffy, dirty clothes. Ordered himself coffee & cake and waited for me to talk while he stuffed his face 14. 54, great date, I asked to see him again, he replied we could be friends only. Or maybe a bit more i.e. sex 15. 54, seemed nice but shy, met him 3 times and discovered he really had no personality & did nothing other than work. When I said it wasn't working, he asked if we could be 'tactile friends'

Genuine question, what the hell is going on out there? When I was dating pre-Covid (and I did a lot of dating online either side of 2 long-term relationships) I remember there being oddballs and chancers, but I don’t remember there being this much nastiness/puerile behaviour online pre-2020.

I’ve just had a man I connected with on hinge over a year ago (!) messsge me on Instagram to invite me for ‘drinks tonight [winky face]’. He offered a drinks date back in February 2022 and then disappeared. What on actual earth?

Recently, I had two different men cancel on me - one on the day of the date they had asked me on, the other disappeared and sent me a sprawling apology 4 days later via my Facebook page. I get that you may have low commitment to someone you’ve not yet met, but in what parallel universe is this ok?

Online dating has changed so so much. I feel like the vast majority of men on the apps are angry, jaded, lazy and totally uncommitted to the process of getting to know someone properly. I dare say it might be similar for women but going by this thread it seems unlikely. Question is, why?

1. Mr Leeds. Lives up north but works down south 1 week in 4. Planned to meet the week he was here and every day he made an excuse why he couldn’t meet. So on Friday I’d had enough of being played, told him a nice pub to meet me then went out with my friends and he went mental. Think he was a catfish tbh.
2. 55 nice enough guy but shorter and a lot bigger than his photos. Told me he’d taken time out of dating after his engagement ended - 3 months ago!! Then proceeded to tell me his worst nightmare is menopausal moody women.
3. 54 met for dinner. Loved sound of his own voice. Constantly interrupted me to tell me about himself. Told me he’d pay bill in his company card and claim it back on expenses.
4. J - what can I say about J other than if he was chocolate he would eat himself. Sent daily selfies of himself doing boring shit. Date arranged for Friday night. Had a phone call on Wednesday and he started making groaning sounds. I asked what he was doing and he said ‘what do you think’ while breathing heavily. I hung up and blocked 🤣
5. M. Seemed nice at first but a couple of little red flags. Date arranged and then he sent me naked photo to show me what I was getting. Then called me a prude and a miserable bitch fur saying it was inappropriate. Blocked.
6. Mr zero effort. Turned up in dirty creased clothes looking like he’d not had a shower for days, sat looking bored for about 30 minutes then told he he had to go to Tesco.
7. Mr too formal. Was about 5 inches shorter than he claimed to be and turned up to an afternoon coffee date in a suit and tie with a handkerchief in his pocket. Sat on his hands while I paid for drinks then seemed surprised when I didn’t get want to go for dinner. When I messaged that night politely saying that’s I didn’t feel a shark he accused me of playing games and leading him on. Blocked.
8. Mr GA. We got on really well and had 2 very long and successful dates. And then he dropped the bombshell that I couldn’t get past. However he’s now come up on my people you might know on FB and I had a nose. If I’d seen his FB before, I wouldn’t have gone on first date lol.

Ive also met 3 guys on the wild

1. Mr hatfish. Seemed very nice in a dark bar late at night after a few wines. Turned out to be 10 years older than he told me and looked very different without his hat.
2. Mr desperate. Again seemed really nice talking in a Gar but within 24 hours bombarded me with about 30 texts then called me to ask why I wasn’t replying - I was in work!! Then went I said I felt bombarded sent me a war and peace essay telling me why I was wrong.
3. Mr local. Met in a local bar. Exchanged numbers. Sent me message asking if I was going up that bar the following weekend. I said sorry I’ve got plans but we can arrange another date. Replied ‘obviously nit bothered about meeting otherwise you’d change your plans’ and deleted me

Not exactly a roaring success story 🤣🤣

@Birthdayblu i havent had the experiences you have had but i think online dating used to be quite niche and you met some really interesting, dare i say it, 'normal' people who were genuinely looking to meet people for a relationship. I think like with anything, it's become over saturated but every single person wants to chance it and lots seem to now have that attitude that women on there must have something wrong if they are on there. Women have been through the mill and have decent expectations naturally. Men are likely to have also been through the mill and probably not done any work on themselves so are repeating the same mistakes/just dont want to be alone.

Personally i think online dating is quite dead in the water these days so you'd be lucky to find a gem in there. I certainly met kinder people before but now, i think there is such a massive candy shop mentality. If you are half decent as a man who has a decent job/ok looking, i think you will get dates. From what i can see, most of the the previous male posters here met people/are in relationships whereas with the women, there are a lot of the same 'faces' are still posting, even though id say they are most like 'good catches'.

Maybe past 45 women stop putting up with bullshit and they know it.

Try being a man over 50, no one in my age category is interested in me

I remember talking to a woman who was 52 ( I was 51 at the time), she said I was too old and she as looking for men under 50 ( her choice of course), but men under 50 will be over 50 at some point 🤷‍♂️

I’m 54. I’ve set my age criteria as 50-60. I may go a year or two either side but I’m definitely not interested in anyone a decade or more my junior.

Yes but @NoDatingFor0ldMen ive seen your posts about when you were dating (where it wasnt just one date, it was actual) dating. Whereas a lot here havent got past the first post!

@Disturbia81 i was definitely less jaded and much more hopeful in my early 40s. I definitely thought my 'one' was out there but after several years yet only a few short lived relationships to mention, i do think ive lost that enthusiasm with online dating.

Birthdayblu I'm sorry it's changed for you.
Personally, I find it exactly the same after Covid as before covid. There was always profiles full of sprawling paragraphs about the 'Awful women on here' & 'You must do this/You mustn't do that if you want to be graced with my attention'

I was blocked/ghosted on 'date day' pre Covid too.

I always thought that I joined OLD too late & it had already 'had it's day', bur i'm not meeting people any other way either so I keep trying...

I've never got past the 2nd date but maybe I'm just awful

I only became single in lockdown so zero experience of pre covid OLD. I have friends who did it before 2020 and pretty much all day it’s worse now.

But maybe we’re just grumpy old menopausal women 🤣