Dating Thread 243

[VenturingOut80]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@NellyTheCake
to be honest I feel pretty much the same about women, lots of profiles - lots are quite negative in they list things they are not looking for and very few positive aspects pictures are generally ( not always), in a group or taken from 100 yards away.

unfortunately it seems to be a lot of rubbish to wade through to find one decent person online

Just to be clear - women are generally not negative about men as such ( some are).
but lots have a very negative outlook on OLD , almost like they are listing out things are NOT looking for, rather than what they are looking for.

so you will see lots of

Not looking for a one night stand,
not looking for a new father for my kids
not looking to be rescued
not looking to a new home/ husband

rather than what they might be looking for in a partner, or even what they might be offering to a potential partner

@NoDatingFor0ldMen
I hear your frustration and I totally agree.
I've looked at women's profiles in the past, just to see what the competition is like. And there were so many with comments like the ones you've listed.

And when I look at my profile compared to the other women, I have to question my sanity sometimes. My photos are good, my profile tells you who I am. Yet I get ignored.

Yes, I ignore some messages from men as well. But usually because they're too far away or look like they haven't moved off the sofa in years. Otherwise I'll reply & see where it goes.

I don't say what I'm looking for in a partner though. Not sure I'd know what to write.

I feel many just use OLD to pass the time and aren't really looking to date. Or are looking for the perfect partner and reject anyone who doesn't meet their ideal.

POF shows who's online and doesn't log you out for about 30mins even if you aren't using it.

But the men I'm seeing on there, have been on POF for years and are always near the top of the list.
Maybe they just keep themselves logged in just in case someone messages them.

Although given they're still there after at least 4yrs, I suspect they aren't serious about meeting anyone.

Me and friend spotted about 15 men that we recognised and she hasn't done OLD for over 4years.

NellyTheCake I'm serious about meeting somebody but not willing to meet just anybody/somebody 30 years older/300 miles away. It does make me wary of telling people how long I've been doing OLD though, in case they think I'm just messing around.

There's a list of 'New profiles' & sometimes there's barely any, so those are the times I will be hanging around not really on there, just in case somebody new pops up

Some very good points here about OLD, dread to think I may be back on that roller coaster soon...actually that implies a level of fun that it probably isint 🤣
We have been messaging on and off yesterday and today. Last night after trying to explain that it was shame/embarrassment that stopped him from texting I let loose by text, despite promising myself I wouldn't, about going quiet after fall outs and leaving me in limbo. He agreed, said I deserved better and said maybe we should just leave it.
Today he has messaged to say he's so sorry and can I please consider giving him another chance.

Hi@LuckyLinda3 I have caught up on your situation and my sole piece of advice/opinion is that I really don’t think that anyone who is in a relationship of some standing, as you are, should discuss or navigate these issues through texts. You need to meet face to face.

Agree 100% @Stepcount.

I feel many just use OLD to pass the time and aren't really looking to date. Or are looking for the perfect partner and reject anyone who doesn't meet their ideal.

100% this 👆

Update today:

1. second date mr beer (tuesday) - Continues to message me (and he message me first). Makes me smile when I get a text.
2. first date mr holidays (tomorrow) - lovely guy, but not for me. Shorter than he said (I’m 5’6) and shorter than me. Plus I have a thing about teeth and his weren’t great.
3. first date mr ball (Wednesday) - this one reads messages and doesn’t reply for ages. His job is crazy is unpredictable and this may be an issue for me.
4. first date me doctor (two weeks on Wednesday) - FaceTime with him today. He was the one I was a little hesitant about, but super easy to talk to. Looks like his photos and funny.

LuckyLinda3

oh he’s a pickle isn’t he !
both avoidant and reactive

you two need to talk face to face

for what it’s worth I think he really cares for you
but he has some horrific emotional habits and it drives some unhealthy behaviours

for what’s it’s worth ! Just my POV

LuckyLinda3

fwiw I’m very single RN

my erstwhile FWB has some major MH issues and is trying to address them

on the one hand i respect his honesty and it’s true he’s in a mess and needs to address it
And yes better to not see people you care for when you can’t be your best

in the other hand I miss him and I’m also like yet again !! How and why do I always gravitate To men with MH issues ???

anger issues, anxiety , ND , psychosis (just one !) and depression

im a magnet for them , and they for me

so best I stay single , or else I’ll be lounging in an asylum reception at this rate

My update; drinks, meal and chatting last night with lady I met at stately home visit. Very pleasant evening. She is not on MN.
She had a night of alcohol induced passion with a woman about 20 years ago. She says it was very enjoyable and sometimes thinks about repeating it.
We are likely to remain friends rather than very close friends.
Tomorrow with Ms NewFriend is what I am really looking forward to. Really hoping for 'the sparks to flash'. We have been chatting nearly every day.

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks for your very valuable insight. Yes I definitely see a pattern of behaviour and I probably have one too.
My week has gone from bad to worse...been having issues with DD about missing a lot of school, being out too late with friends on school nights, making plans without discussing with me. Have talked to her several times about it but after a minor incident last might I lost my temper and was really cross with her for the first time.
She was upset and went to stay with a friend saying she might go live with her dad. I apologised for losing my cool but she went on and I haven't heard anything since.
Got long text this morning from her dad, who has zero input in their lives about me overreacting and that I need to put things right.
Maybe I'm the problem all round, this is not easy.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I read your post back. You are very self aware. I really hope you find someone who gives you what you deserve because you've done the hard work on yourself and have so much to offer.

LuckyLinda3

aw Linda
youve had a shit week and it’s not suprising it ended with a bust up
your teen is just reacting , Im sure you will regroup and make peace this weekend
she knows what side her bread is buttered !

regarding self aware , it’s funny as I started with a kick ass therapist a year ago

that plus a lot of reading has really helped me

I think many people take peoples negative outbursts and behaviours as primarily an attack on THEM
-they hate me —I’m shit - I’m not loveable
im a piece of human excrement that will be forever mistreated . Etc

it’s not that ! It’s them , 100% fucked up humans

and as a result I’m far more accepting of both my exes (not completely !)

@Thisisworsethananticpated thank you.
Yes it's very clear from being on here over the past while how you have grown personally.
Acceptance is not easy but such a better way to move on than through a negative emotion.
Here's to better days.

@LuckyLinda3 it's normal to be attracted to men that feel familiar. And sometimes it's not really obvious at the start. Therapy has really helped me to break the cycle of being attracted to men who are avoidant, and to spot them early.

Checking back in to report that I've been seeing Mr Gym for about 6 weeks. He is a bit younger than me, no kids, whereas I have two and only free EOW. He doesn't seem to mind this, and seems very nice so far. We both feel that there is potential for something, but what? He will want to settle down and have children one day and I'm done. I'm worried that I am just setting myself up for 💔.

@marplemead yes maybe I should do a bit of work on myself in this regard. He has really ramped up the messaging and wants to try but the on off nature at times is so frustrating.
So hard to advise on your current situation when there are obvious feelings on both sides, would a conversation help at this point before you both get in any deeper.

LuckyLinda3

this is another frustrating behaviour
from total cave to ‘need this now ‘
you are entitled to some thinking time
especially as you have your own family
upset going on

marplemead
or say the sensible thing is to discuss this face to face at some stage
your concerns are valid , and it’s very tempting to stay in something that feels doomed but also feels lovely !

@LuckyLinda3 @Thisisworsethananticpated Yes, I will definitely talk with him about it next week when I see him. I feel that he will say that we can make it work. So it will be up to me to decide whether it might be best in the long run to walk away. A shame - he's the first man I've been on more than 2 dates with after almost a year doing OLD!

Exactly my thoughts @Thisisworsethananticpated. I told him exactly that earlier today. I said I was still considering the events of last week and how he went silent until Wednesday and that I have a lot going on at home and politely asked for space for a few days to gather my thoughts.

@marplemead Very wise insights. I wonder how to spot men who are avoidant myself as I need some reassurance myself.

As far as Mr Gym goes, who knows? Perhaps there chances things working out.

@LuckyLinda3 You've had some challenging times recently. This is so hard when family affects us and then we need some support. I hope things calm down a bit so you have some worry-free time for yourself.

I've spent 10 to 15 minutes on OLD yesterday night and nothing was happening and then I went to bed, and I slept like a baby. Tonight I noticed some messages (Hi, how are you). No idea how I missed them, but baby steps.