Dating Thread 243

[VenturingOut80]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@LuckyLinda3 Thanks I did enjoy my afternoon. I am now puzzling over how to scale down their border designs to suit my smaller garden.

I guess so, you usually know if more is on offer, don't we? but I have comparatively little experience of meeting people of relationship type meeting. Not had many men or women compared to others.
Yesterday was really a 'don't know'. When 'Wendy' & I were talking, she stood closer to me than I would have expected. She touched my arm once or twice, nodded in agreement when I spoke. I only worked this all out driving home an hour later -Duh!
But I know other women who are a bit gushing and enthusiastic, it means nothing special.
I shall suggest we meet for meal at a pub or restaurant. Then we can talk about ourselves.
Be fun sorting it all out.

Hinge has never worked for me despite living in a small city. I felt there were a lot of inactive profiles. It suggested my most compatible person was someone who's hobbies were watching football & drinking beer. Neither of which have any interest for me. But he was the only like I got.

Currently paying for tinder so I can see my likes. I think it should come with a dose of eye bleach. Most of my likes are lying about their age or have had a very hard life. Some are shockingly grim.
I like that I can see my likes and think about whether to match or not. But it's not really worth paying for just for that.

I've paid on pof before. That was more useful. Could see likes, who has read my profile, if my message had been read, when they were last active.
Got me a couple of first dates but nothing more.

Thanks - I live in a big city and doing okay- definitely had more matches back in May and met two people, one of which I was seeing for a little bit.

This time, less matches but have two dates - one os a second date with Mr Beer @NervesOfCotton we are in contact daily. He is funny and more giving of himself - sharing about his life and what he is up to. Plus he is so much better at comms than Mr Music. I have never had to wait long for a reply. Going for a meal next week - he asked on date 1 if I would want to do it again. I’ll know for sure next week and not jumping head first like I did last time.

Have a first lunch/coffee date with Mr no name - can’t remember if I gave him a nickname on my previous update! This is also happening next week.

I’ll hold off paying for Hinge and may explore Bumble. I am banned from Tinder - I joined and was banned before I had finished my profile’ lol

@LittleFloatingGhost I've heard that so much, bans from tinder for literally nothing. I wonder if it’s bad history with whoever had your number previously? Is there any way of getting a person to look at it rather than a machine?

Plus, @NellyTheCake you've reminded me that somewhere from two or three years ago I have an email from PoF giving me one months free membership. I wonder if they’ll still honour it?

Oh lovely, LittleFloatingGhost It's so nice to find somebody who matches your level of communication isn't it. He sounds really nice, happy for you

Bumble is so random for me, I literally go from 10/12 matches in a day, to tumbleweed for weeks at a time

I love the Speed Dating, can't remember who recommended that on here, My only complaint is it's difficult time-wise as at least one kid is usually still up when it starts at 7

Sometimes men send a load of voice notes & I say 'I can't listen to those, I'm sat near my kids' then they say 'Don't worry, I say something nice'. Not really the point

Tinder is so ban-happy, it's not even funny. Would love to know who decides what in their HQ, they really do it randomly and for no reason

However still in terms of quantity it's the best and met some potential irons there.

Interesting the range of experiences on the apps. I’ve only tried Bumble. To be honest I contribute to the problem as I don’t have that much time. So I might swipe once a day, have a match then not have the time to follow up with a new one if there is already some chat going on elsewhere.

However, do have a first meeting with someone on Friday. Not going to call it a date, but we’ll call him Mr Bee.

For some context, had a fling on the summer (first post-separation) where we met briefly, then had holidays etc so spent a few weeks messaging/exchanging voice notes. When we did meet in person, we’d had some fun chat about potential date awkwardness so all fine.

With Mr B, have literally just had text chat. Am contemplating sending a voice note this week as think that’ll help. Meeting in a pub during the daytime. What should I do about a greeting? He is literally a bloke off the internet. All the risks that entails are very real - he may be short! He may look nothing like photos etc etc. What greeting shall I aim for? Air kiss could be weird. One side or two? Hug feels too much.

love the excitement of this anticipation tho. Even though it could be a massive anti-climax…

Hi all, struggling to keep up atm as I have a lot going on. Not sure where I am with things in my relationship right now. We were out socialising at the weekend and partners son was very drunk and very verbally abusive to him in public. Partner asked him to behave, leave and stay at his girlfriends that night until he calmed down. I wasn't in mood to have a drink after that and we went home after a wee while. We were in bed asleep and next thing I hear banging at the back door. Partners son arrived home, very drunk was very abusive trying to put door in. Partner went down opened door and tried to reason with his son, explaining his behaviour wasn't acceptable and need to show respect to neighbours as it was late.
The next thing they are tussling in the kitchen. I came down and asked them to cut it out but I was disappointed with both of them and went up to the room, changed and left.
As I was going my partner was telling me how embarrassed and sorry he was but I just went in and we haven't spoken since as he's had 2 13hr shifts.
Am lost with my thought's at the minute.

A horrible situation to be caught up in @LuckyLinda3 but if the roles were reversed, would you feel that you had had support from your partner, or would you feel that they had made your family nightmare all about them?

Exactly @Bowbobobo. I'm really genuinely undecided about what to do. I rang on Sunday night to see how things were but he didn't reply and hasn't made contact since. I fully accept I may be wrong here but it just didn't sit well with me. He had reassured me that nothing would happen after the incident in the pub so it wasn't at all nice to get out of bed to come down to a heated/physical situation later. Maybe I didn't react well and that's why I've come on here for perspective and appreciate your reply.

Sometimes we react on instinct to difficult situations and then second guess ourselves afterwards. You did what your gut told you to do for you, and that’s fine - but from his perspective your walking out probably seemed harsh. All you can do now is give him time, at the same time thinking through what that situation really meant and whether his relationship with his twatty son is something that you want in your life anyway.

Don't second guess your decision. I could NOT be with a man who got in a physical altercation with his son, provoked or not. I would not be 'supporting' any such person.

Thanks @Myfabby I definitely don't condone that kind of behaviour. Am just so disappointed, we had invested almost 3 years in each other and he treated me so well. Yes we had timing issues but i always felt respected, looked after with him. I really didn't expect to he dealing with this and obviously appreciate it'd not an easy situation for him either.

LuckyLinda3

ouch
that’s not great
has this happened before ? Them fighting like this ?

I think it ok to be honest and explain why you left ? As I’m assuming it was scary and probably triggering for you

so yes he can be upset as it’s fucking upsetting thing to happen for him
I have sons and sometimes shit does down , and it’s not always a reflection on the parent

but it’s also ok for you to want to leave that - and feel safe

Thanks for your very considerate, considered response @Thisisworsethananticpated. There was one previous incident yes but it was verbal not physical and again his son was very drunk and very late home.
I have a son too and am far from the perfect parent so I'm not taking the moral high ground or making it about me but it was not a nice experience. They both let themselves down and I'm questioning the peace/comfort/security I have in their home going forward so yes maybe that is selfish of me.

Agree that I'd not stay with any man who gets into a physical altercation like that. It shows what sort he is (I say this as someone with a very similar ex). But you post a lot about him and it sounds like you're in it for the long haul so maybe you just have to address it and move on

LuckyLinda3

well it sounds like he’s ventured into his cave (again )

for what’s it worth I don’t think you did anything wrong here
you exited a very nasty situation and any decent man should understand that

and actually I don’t blame him for losing his temper !

but him going all quiet and ignoring you sucks
I know that’s how some people operate but it’s not great

@Thisisworsethananticpated I think you may have nailed it there. It was a very difficult situation for him and I can see that. Some of the things his son said were very personal about his appearance, very demeaning. It would have pushed the best of us to our limits.
I did ring on Sunday but as I said he didn't answer so I'm not reaching out again.
I'm OK right now, obviously not the better of what happened but I realise it was a shit show for all 3 of us so not making it about me. I think they need time to hopefully resolve their issues and I'm getting on with things ok too. If this is it then that's fine with me. I've made significant personal progress since my husband left and know ill be ok whether I'm alone or in a relationship. Thank you.

It’s never 3 years wasted Linda

I’ve been ‘dating ‘ in and off for 3 years now

irs been very up and down but I’ve learnt a lot and I don’t regret it

but as you said we can all survive single
and maybe ! Meet someone decent again one day

but when you say ‘if this is it’
i think you need to be part of that decision

I hate waiting and have blocked my erstwhile FWB for this reason as I’m personally done with avoidant cavers !

@LuckyLinda3 l think that considering you have been with this man for 3 years it's very poor behaviour, and very disrespectful of him to fail to reply to your calls.
I would have left the house too if physical fighting was involved as l wouldn't have felt safe. However him now blanking you, and failing to communicate with you indicates a lack of care towards you and your feelings. I would be seriously considering ending things as communication is key and you are now left high and dry with no clue as to what's going on.

@Thisisworsethananticpated and @Seaoftroubles yes totally agree that the avoidant caving is not acceptable.
I have thought about just deleting his contact details but something is stopping me. I'd love to be strong and just delete him but I keep thinking of the 3 years and how his son spoke to him and behaved. Aw I just don't know.

Do you feel that you would like to at least have a conversation and commiserate with him about what it has done to the relationship.
We all have relatives that impose on us. This is his adult son. others have an unreasonable Mother.
Do we reject all new relationships because they have troublesome relatives? Do you feel strong enough to try and manage the situation with BF?

@LuckyLinda3 I hope he comes back to you. There is a lot for him to process and I think a part of it is probably shame around what you witnessed.

But that conversation has to be had about getting physical with their child! It is not on. He needs to sort that out.