Envious of women with good loving partners

[amdramsham]

I am early 40's, attractive, fit, own my own home, work, no debt aside from mortgage, drive, have plenty of friends, a good social life, close to family but no man I've ever dated has wanted to marry me or commit to me long term.

I look at the other women I know who do have long term male partners who obviously adore them and think what do these women have that I don't? I want to make clear that its not me wanting their husbands but just wondering how some women can find a man who is actually a good partner or be a woman that men want to be that kind of man for and I can't?

My last "proper" relationship ended just after I turned 40 after 2 years when it became apparent that he didn't have any interest in committing to our relationship long term, moving in or marriage. Its hard because in the first 6 months the relationship seems so good, the men seem really happy to be with you and talk about a future together but once you're in love they cool off, treat you like an afterthought and you're left trying to figure out what you did wrong and how to fix it as you're already so invested in the relationship.

When I went back to dating after my last relationship I feel like men in my age range 5 years younger to 10 years older are now quite open about not wanting a serious committed relationship with me, they enjoy my company, they are happy to have a casual arrangement for sex and even dating but commitment and love is reserved for younger women. The only men who are interested in me more seriously seem to be men in their late 50's to 60's who I don't rule out wholesale but I've not met one I find to be compatible and I worry about how it would be with a man close to 70 when I am in my early 50's.

Much younger men are interested but again not as a serious prospect, I've had a few friends get into relationships with much younger guys who suddenly go off them when they meet someone more their own age to start a life and have kids with, understandable perhaps but painful just the same.

I don't know I think perhaps its just your luck if you land a good one when you are young but if you aren't lucky its increasingly hard to find a good man who will commit to you perhaps?

I do think it's 95 percent luck unfortunately. Please don't think there's anything wrong with you or you're not as good as other women because I really think luck plays such a huge part.

I dated throughout my 20s and 30s, some great guys, some total jerks, by my late 30s I had given up on men altogether. But then I moved to a new city and met my now husband randomly. If that hadn't happened I think I'd still be single now, for all the reasons you say it's so hard to date.

I think the only thing you can do is just enjoy your life, make friends and see if maybe something comes out of that. That was my attitude when I met my husband, we were friends for quite a while before we started dating -- I didn't think he was my type at all! It was only by being friends that I saw another side of him gradually. But then it was also luck that he felt the same about me.

Well I don't think all marriages are happy,
Some people settle and some stay because financially they can't leave.
Some put up with terrible treatment or go through affairs, addiction or other disloyalty, just read mumsnet.
I have been married twice, I spent a long time in an unhappy marriage to a very attractive, successful man who loved himself more than me, because I didn't want to be single and regret leaving him, eventually after years of drama we divorced and I met my now husband who is not any of the things I thought I looked for in a man, but there was something about him and I've never been happier, he's not someone I'd notice in the street, he's not financially as successful but he's just so lovely and most importantly we can both just be ourselves.

It's like choosing a comfortable pair of shoes to wear for the rest of your life over the gorgeous ones that look great but always hurt you.
I'd much rather be single than settle for the wrong one, not all marriages are what they seem.

Is commitment to you the same as moving in and getting married OP?

Moving in is much more difficult when both parties have their own existing homes, potentially children / pets, lifestyle how they want it.

Getting Married more difficult again with pre-existing assets.

I think perhaps you are looking at it in quite a formulaic way? 'The men never want to commit' who are these men and were they really good for you and did you actually love them?

I never thought I'd get married or have kids, wasn't a goal of mine. But it happened because I fell in love with someone.
Focus on actually bonding with someone. There's no magic set of rules to make someone commit to you. These women don't have anything different to you they were just both lucky and actually found someone they genuinely loved.

I think it is down to luck having met someone at an earlier stage of your life when men are more likely to want commitment/families in your 20s/30s. The majority of men you meet at 40 are out of LTR/marriages most likely and are looking for casual sex/don’t want commitment. Those that haven’t been married/don’t have children are looking to meet someone munch younger. This is today’s reality for any 40 year old really which is why I know quite a few women (colleagues and friends) in their late 30s/40s who have simply given up dating.

No I don't look at it in a formulaic way but having to abbreviate 20 + years of dating into a forum post perhaps makes it look that way.

What you suggest is exactly what my approach has been and I have genuinely fallen in love a few times but unfortunately the men involved have always decided I wasn't the one or they have just slowly started pulling away giving me less and less time to the point where they only wanted to see me one night a week if they had nothing better to do. With online dating it's worse because so many people I think just look elsewhere the minute there is any difficulty at all and some men seem to be habituated to this and can't stop looking even if they meet someone they like.

Not necessarily but in this instance I was talking about men without those ties, I do have a friend who's six year relationship (she even nursed his elderly mother as she died) collapsed when they had issues with a blended family so I do understand that. Funnily enough he broke off with her very suddenly, blocked her, wouldn't speak to her again and a few weeks later moved in his new, younger girlfriend so who knows.

@havingmetime I know not all marriages are happy and that not all men are good men and I do specify in my OP that I am talking about women with husbands / men who make good partners and who adore their wives. I see it with my brother, he can't see past his wife, they met as teenagers and are still happy and loved up today over 20 years later, he doesn't have addictions, or cheat nor is he abusive. I don't want to get married just for the sake of it, I do want a good partner!

I think either their is a severe shortage of good male partners to go around or that perhaps men change for the right woman, I suspect former is probably the correct answer.

@occhiazzurri I understand all that but when I was in my 20's / 30's most men didn't seem to want commitment and families most wanted to play the field or if in relationships felt that they weren't ready for marriage or children and were happy to run down their girlfriends biological clock. Eventually the woman gets fed up of waiting, knowing if she wants to be a mum she has to start sooner rather than later she issues an ultimatum which sometimes works I think but often doesn't so she is back on the dating scene at 35 + feeling pretty desperate and he can take his time for the next decade or so before picking up a 30 something who wants a family before it is too late and he finally feels ready.

I'm not surprised so many women my age do give up on dating.

@dreamingbohemian Thanks for your post I do think you are right and that it is if you are lucky to meet one of those men who do want a committed relationship at a youngish age, I think these days that most don't and want to date casually for 10 or 20 years before settling down or it feels that way.

Dating is awful for women these days and that is before you get to all the cheating and porn sickness out there.

I agree it's luck, but also being open to whatever the universe throws at you. I'm happily married and while we have ups and downs, I do thank my lucky stars I met him. But I also dumped him after three dates because he wasn't my idea of 'perfect' at the time. Thankfully, we stayed friends and then fell in love. But it so easily could not have happened.

One thing I've noticed is that no relationship is what it seems on the surface

I know a few people who havr separated lately but appeared to be really happy

I am sure this is true in some cases but there are couples in happy relationships who do genuinely love and support each other, I know it doesn't seem like it round here but its true.

Yeah I have a friend who dumped her now husband because she knew he was the one and at 18 she felt it was too young to be at that stage just yet. Luckily they did get back together a few months later and are still happy to this day but they did make an agreement to give each other lots of freedom to do things in their 20's so she studied abroad for her masters and he worked overseas for a while and they did long distance for that time.

Not necessarily. I met my DH when I was 43, he was 42. Both never married, no kids.

6 years later, we have a baby, dogs, a house, a v happy marriage. He is devoted to me.

He only dated younger (v attractive) women prior to me but realised if he wanted to settle down, for him, it had to be with someone who he felt a real connection with.

@MamaToABeautifulBoy Well there are exceptions to the rule and I am glad it worked out for you but this isn't the typical situation.

I think it’s a combination of luck and very open communications to ensure you’re in the same page. I broke up with a guy after a year when it became clear he wasn’t planning to ever settle down. Dh and I started discussing marriage around four months into our relationship but didn’t marry until we’d been together for 3 years.

i have a lovely friend in her 50s who would have loved to have been married and have dc but it never happened. I don’t understand at all because she’s beautiful and lovely, honestly no reason a man wouldn’t love her. She’s in a relationship now and I really hope she gets her happy ever after but I guess it’s worth remembering how many women are financially tied to unhappy relationships.

@TeenLifeMum Even with open communication about what you want it doesn't make that much difference because many men will just say what they think will keep you dangling with no intention of following though on it or they rapidly change their mind or get cold feet. Its something that is very difficult to test because its unreasonable to expect to get married or try for a baby before a couple of years of dating and by then if you are over 30 or 35 if the man changes his tune if you try and advance the relationship in the ways you both previously agreed about then he's wasted 2 years of your precious time with lies and future faking.

While I also see your point about people with unhappy relationships, holding up those in awful situations and saying that they are worse off is of little consolation, there will always be people better or worse off then yourself that doesn't stop you wanting more for yourself or feeling shit about what you don't have.

Yes, and that doesn't mean the man was secretly horrible. Plenty of women are married to lovely men but are still unhappy. Keep that in mind OP. Just because these men are lovely or handsome or devoted, that doesn't mean she's happy. We demand waaaaay too much from our relationships. People expect their partner to fulfil them on every level – to be kind, affectionate, interesting, great in bed, etc. Very few find that. These men you notice may be awful in other ways. Maybe they're shallow or boring or tight. Maybe they're needy and clingy.

@JaneyGee Well if they are unhappy and its not due to their partners then they need to take responsibility for that themselves. I agree it isn't all about marriage but again holding up those in bad situations and saying it could be worse isn't that helpful. It doesn't make me feel like oh well that's me all better and content now because others have it worse, its just a platitude really.

Where are you meeting these men you’ve mentioned OP?

In person or online? X

Both online and offline.

You'll drive yourself nuts if you try and work out what other women have got that you don't, because the answer is luck.

If you knew me and DP, then you'd probably presume that I'm one of those "good men". We've been together 15 years, have very few arguments and even fewer rough patches. We love each other a lot, do nice things for each other etc.

To an outsider, we probably look pretty much perfect. We're not, by any means. We do each others heads in at times, I have periods where work gets to me and it makes me lazy at home. And I haven't heard her sing in 13 years because I took the piss out of her singing voice one too many times in the early days of our relationship.

But we're better together than apart by a long way.

However, if you asked any of my exes whether I was a good man, the answer would probably be a unanimous no. I cheated, I blew hot and cold, I wouldn't see them for a week at a time because Id rather be in the pub with friends etc.

Why is it different with DP? Put simply, I got her pregnant before I had a chance to cock it up with her, and decided I'd better grow up, and put a good effort into treating her and my child well and making the relationship work.

Had DD not been born, I'd probably have carried on as I was, DP would have had enough and dumped my at some point.

Had me and DP not been as compatible as we were, then parenting that early in our relationship would probably have put to much strain on it and we'd have split up.

Had I been a couple of years younger when we had a baby, I probably wouldn't have had the maturity to treat the situation as an opportunity, rather than a colossal fuck up.

Right person, right time, right circumstances. It's luck, pure and simple

Ah, I was going to say the first thing I would do is stop with online. As you’ve said yourself, it just makes it painfully easy to literally “swipe” on to the next one, there’s no motivation for anyone to work on any issues when they could just move onto the next person instead, and I also think the majority of people (men and women) who are on the likes of Tinder, are on there for short flings/sex rather than any genuine interest to build a long term relationship. I haven’t used them myself but lots of both mine and DH’s friends have said this, people are happy to do the “fun” bit on there, the chatting, flirting, sex, dates, but it always has an expiry date so they can go back and do the exciting bit again with the next person!

In terms of the offline men, I do think as you mentioned in your OP it’s a tricky age for building a long term relationship in that many men don’t actually want that at that age. A lot of men who are single in their 40’s are either single because they want to be and prefer the bachelor life and having “fun” so don’t want a long term thing, or they’re coming out of a divorce and so aren’t looking for anything serious.

Have you tried branching out into your own interests/hobbies with the potential of meeting somebody there? I have 2 friends who had basically sworn off everything male related, decided no more online dating, no more chatting people up in the pub etc, and just decided to make their own lives as happy as they can be. They both ended up meeting their now husbands as a result of that choice!

I suppose it's about prioritising the right traits when you're searching.

Loyalty and integrity are a couple of those traits.

Funny, attractive, wealthy, intelligent, race, age, interests, political views are all traits too.

Bump loyalty and integrity up the list and you'll find you won't waste as much time on those who don't have those traits.

Of course there's also a large element of luck involved too.