Envious of women with good loving partners

[amdramsham]

I am early 40's, attractive, fit, own my own home, work, no debt aside from mortgage, drive, have plenty of friends, a good social life, close to family but no man I've ever dated has wanted to marry me or commit to me long term.

I look at the other women I know who do have long term male partners who obviously adore them and think what do these women have that I don't? I want to make clear that its not me wanting their husbands but just wondering how some women can find a man who is actually a good partner or be a woman that men want to be that kind of man for and I can't?

My last "proper" relationship ended just after I turned 40 after 2 years when it became apparent that he didn't have any interest in committing to our relationship long term, moving in or marriage. Its hard because in the first 6 months the relationship seems so good, the men seem really happy to be with you and talk about a future together but once you're in love they cool off, treat you like an afterthought and you're left trying to figure out what you did wrong and how to fix it as you're already so invested in the relationship.

When I went back to dating after my last relationship I feel like men in my age range 5 years younger to 10 years older are now quite open about not wanting a serious committed relationship with me, they enjoy my company, they are happy to have a casual arrangement for sex and even dating but commitment and love is reserved for younger women. The only men who are interested in me more seriously seem to be men in their late 50's to 60's who I don't rule out wholesale but I've not met one I find to be compatible and I worry about how it would be with a man close to 70 when I am in my early 50's.

Much younger men are interested but again not as a serious prospect, I've had a few friends get into relationships with much younger guys who suddenly go off them when they meet someone more their own age to start a life and have kids with, understandable perhaps but painful just the same.

I don't know I think perhaps its just your luck if you land a good one when you are young but if you aren't lucky its increasingly hard to find a good man who will commit to you perhaps?

Because they would find it attractive if women did it!

You might have a point but I think for a lot of women having a good career themselves is important to them in an intrinsic way not just because they want the men to earn well.

You might be right, but your OLD profile is your advertisement to potential partners. Presumably you're putting in stuff that you think makes you look appealing to the opposite sex (in the case of heterosexual dating, obviously). You might be very proud of your career but the only reason to focus on it in an OLD profile is to impress men with it...and I think PP was right in that it's not really something men prioritise in a partner.

On the related note, I do think men like to spend their money when they like the woman.

I’ve never come across a rich/high-earning man who wanted a woman who doesn’t have a job/career - is this really a thing?

My experience is that people are shacking up with people in similar careers / have similar earning potential. Life is so expensive - you can’t maintain your standard of living if you pair up with someone who earns nothing/significantly less.

I’ve never come across a rich/high-earning man who wanted a woman who doesn’t have a job/career - is this really a thing?

You've never known of a rich man with a kept, trophy wife?

Indeed, as you say, if anything there are far more men on OLD, men often feel lucky to get so much as a response let alone a date.

What a lot of men are actually realising is that women are not just going to put up with anything for the sake of having a man. Increasingly they are demanding respectful, loyal men with good emotional intelligence and communication skills, who have a career and hobbies etc and don’t regard women as house servants /sex toys/breeders.

This is why you get a lot of men (often red pill/incel) trotting out the statistics about rising percentages of men not having regular sex and how only a certain small percentage of men are the ones managing to get the majority of dates on OLD.

The annoying thing is a lot of the time the narrative seems to be tell women to settle, rather than encouraging men to improve their emotional intelligence, develop good relationship skills, get their lives together etc

Generally speaking I don’t think men care about a women’s career /assets as much as women but it is increasingly important to a growing number of men. You just need to look through AIBU or the relationship board here to see a rising amount of men who are keen to let women shoulder the vast majority of both the financial and domestic/childcare burden. And even the ones that don’t aren’t able /prepared to be the sole provider.

That said I’d say most men on the whole were more focused on looks/figure.

Without knowing what your search parameters are it’s diffult. Are you searching for men without children? If so yes most men in their 40s who haven’t had children do prefer women in their 30s if they do want kids. It tends to be men with children who will prefer women their own age / older when they’re in their 40s.

That’s completely different! That’s a set-up decided on within a marriage, usually.

I’m talking about single men in their 30s and 40s, I haven’t come across any who want (or admit to wanting) a partner who doesn’t earn.

Very very few men are even in a position to take on a financial liability in a dependent partner. Life is very expensive now and people get attached/used to a certain standard of living which, to maintain, requires a similar earning partner.

I think people’s ideas of rich differ. But yes a man who is truly wealthy (top 1%) rarely chooses to date a woman who doesn’t have a decent career.

Its a numbers game though, it's a lot easier to meet women online than it is in real life.

If a mans not picky, he can just swipe right (left? I've never actually used Tinder) on a few hundred women. Even if only 5% of those are interest, thats a lot of dates.

"That said I’d say most men on the whole were more focused on looks/figure"

@Anothagoatthis Well I agree that at the start that is what men look at and its what will make a man actually approach you online or offline, I want to be attracted to the men I date too and yes that does get a bit harder as we all get older. However I think that most normal men do want a woman who would be able to contribute to living costs or at least be an intellectual match i.e. equitable partners.

The majority of single men in their late 30s/40s/50s (particularly if divorced and with kids) etc aren’t looking for a relationship or even a partner, and hence the career aspects/earning potential etc seem irrelevant for people who are just looking for casual sex because it won’t really lead to anything other than casual fun. This is why looks/youth appear to matter a lot more. This is what my single fiends in their 30s/40s who are active on OLD are generally experiencing in nine out of ten cases so I agree with the observation made by @Anothagoatthis

I have to say I agree with this. I am delighted that my boyfriend with kids is only 2 years older than me. I don't want to have to date a grumpy 54yr old with ED!

This is why you get a lot of men (often red pill/incel) trotting out the statistics about rising percentages of men not having regular sex and how only a certain small percentage of men are the ones managing to get the majority of dates on OLD.

It is, but it's not like a lot of the men getting all these women are men to look up to either. They're often awful themselves and player types. Men, particularly younger men, get confused about what women want as the bad boys and arseholes do often get the girls.

I met my DH at 17 and still married 34 years later so I'd be lost if I had to try and date now in my 50s 😳 are there websites that cater specifically for people looking for a serious commitment/life partner rather than just dating? Is it better to be up front about what you're looking for or is that going to scare off potential partners?

I agree . Luck.
Too much candy out there for men to settle...women selling themselves short to have a man even if it means being mistreated, therefore the guy wont commit will he?.
Im older than you, out of 25 year relationship 4 years ago. Ive been in dates and am disillusioned. I think youre seeing couples who've been together a long time.. dating has changed since and tbh women snap these men up asap because these men are rare..the single men age 40 , 50 , 60 want everything for nothing, in my experience. Im on a break from dating atm.
Just do you for the minute, join meetup..just meet people in general.

This is an old thread but did you meet someone, @amdramsham?

Good morning... Please give your life to Jesus Christ. Have a relationship with God. Let Him be your first lover and He will find your own lover for you. It's never too late.

I’m 51. I was single for three years after ending a 23-year marriage that I should’ve walked away from before we got engaged. I put up with too much nonsense in my 20s, and by the end of it, I was living a shell of a life.

I wasn’t looking. I’d decided I wasn’t prepared to give up my hard-won peace just to tick a relationship box. I wasn’t interested in auditioning to be “chosen.” My life was good, I was happy on my own and done with men.

Then the universe said, “Hold my beer,” and dropped him in my lap.

We met through a shared social group and became friends first. He’s younger than me, not my “type,” and that probably saved me. There was no love bombing, no drama, no anxiety. Just slow, grounded connection. He shows up, he listens, he makes my life easier and more enjoyable.

I never used dating apps, but I’ve learned about the Burned Haystack dating method and I’m a big fan. It looks for rhetorical patterns in men’s communication patterns to determine their true intentions. I didn’t run it across a stream of men but I did use it on him. It’s a zero tolerance approach for anything that doesn’t feel reciprocal, kind, and intentional. After ignoring some issues at the beginning of my marriage, the first red flag in this relationship would’ve been the last.

If you keep getting stuck in relationships that start strong and then drop you once you’re attached - you’re not doing anything wrong. But you are giving too many men a second chance to disappoint you. Many of us women have a filtering problem. Use the burned haystack method like a scalpel and be brutal with your standards.

A lot of it is simply luck OP. Finding long term partnership needs multiple things to align. Finding someone:

a) You fancy
b) Who has qualities you admire
c) Whose flaws you can overlook
d) Who is available
e) Who has reciprocal feelings for you

Is hard and takes luck or some people just settle far more than they are willing to admit.

Also it’s probably the case there were men who would have wanted long term commitment with you but you simply did not like them/did not want them. I am the same as you however if I reflect honestly it’s simply that the men who wanted long-term commitment or even would have wanted to explore a more long-term commitment with me I never liked them.

I think a lot of women who end up in those long-term happy relationships simply are more pragmatic and they select from the men who wants them even if they don’t like them from the beginning.

I am in your position and just accepted long term partnership is not part of my life’s past this time round. (I have had relationships but nothing like a marriage).

Just noticed that this is an old thread.

I also dont think men care about women having careers either. My few exes have all gone onto date/marry (no offence) women who work as carers, nurseries, or in nursing homes, or just have their own mini Etsy craft businesses. None had much for finances or their own homes. Each of the men are the higher earners and providers and i genuinely believe many men like it that way and place no value on a woman having that too. In my school (albeit private) every couple in my class has the man working in a high earning job, all the women are SAHMs. Every single one of my single friends have great jobs, their own homes (or even two), some have gone onto getting their Masters/PhDs, but zero dating and sadly zero kids when they had really wanted them.