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Original poster

Envious of women with good loving partners

145 replies

amdramsham · 26/09/2023 12:36

I am early 40's, attractive, fit, own my own home, work, no debt aside from mortgage, drive, have plenty of friends, a good social life, close to family but no man I've ever dated has wanted to marry me or commit to me long term.

I look at the other women I know who do have long term male partners who obviously adore them and think what do these women have that I don't? I want to make clear that its not me wanting their husbands but just wondering how some women can find a man who is actually a good partner or be a woman that men want to be that kind of man for and I can't?

My last "proper" relationship ended just after I turned 40 after 2 years when it became apparent that he didn't have any interest in committing to our relationship long term, moving in or marriage. Its hard because in the first 6 months the relationship seems so good, the men seem really happy to be with you and talk about a future together but once you're in love they cool off, treat you like an afterthought and you're left trying to figure out what you did wrong and how to fix it as you're already so invested in the relationship.

When I went back to dating after my last relationship I feel like men in my age range 5 years younger to 10 years older are now quite open about not wanting a serious committed relationship with me, they enjoy my company, they are happy to have a casual arrangement for sex and even dating but commitment and love is reserved for younger women. The only men who are interested in me more seriously seem to be men in their late 50's to 60's who I don't rule out wholesale but I've not met one I find to be compatible and I worry about how it would be with a man close to 70 when I am in my early 50's.

Much younger men are interested but again not as a serious prospect, I've had a few friends get into relationships with much younger guys who suddenly go off them when they meet someone more their own age to start a life and have kids with, understandable perhaps but painful just the same.

I don't know I think perhaps its just your luck if you land a good one when you are young but if you aren't lucky its increasingly hard to find a good man who will commit to you perhaps?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/10/2023 15:19

Op I feel the same way xx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/10/2023 15:19

amdramsham · 26/09/2023 13:38

@havingmetime I know not all marriages are happy and that not all men are good men and I do specify in my OP that I am talking about women with husbands / men who make good partners and who adore their wives. I see it with my brother, he can't see past his wife, they met as teenagers and are still happy and loved up today over 20 years later, he doesn't have addictions, or cheat nor is he abusive. I don't want to get married just for the sake of it, I do want a good partner!

I think either their is a severe shortage of good male partners to go around or that perhaps men change for the right woman, I suspect former is probably the correct answer.

I do agree nice ones like your brother settle down younger

Anothagoatthis · 01/10/2023 15:20

NorseKiwi · 01/10/2023 12:29

Well it turned out the best guy I ever met (to date) was in NZ, half a world away, I didn't meet him until I was 45! I have done a lot of work on myself over the last 5 years. Little fazes me now. I've never been with someone who I don't have to think about what to say next. I love spending lots of time with him. It really is about timing and luck. I have been single for most of my adult life.

That’s lovely. Happy to hear that! @NorseKiwi

@Shimla999 definitely we never know what’s going on behind closed doors or what will happen next. A former colleague of mine was gloating about how happy she was her husband “chose” her. As I got to know her she’d continue to speak very highly of her partner. Until about a year later he started staying out late at night and not disclosing where he was going or when he’d be back etc. Long story short it turned out he’d been a serial cheat and this time he wanted to leave her and did so that summer.

What shocked me most though is that it turned out he had been violent to their kid and she’d known about this. And yet if it wasn’t for him leaving her she’d still be singing his praises.

Badbadbunny · 01/10/2023 15:37

guild · 01/10/2023 15:15

Marry a nerd. Seriously. They make the best, most interesting and loyal husbands.

I agree.

TotalOverhaul · 01/10/2023 15:43

NotNowGertrude · 01/10/2023 12:45

Have you been OLD? Even if you're up front about what you want it doesn't mean potential dates are? A lot lie & project, mirror your wants & theres a lot of future fakers out there. Simply being up front about what you want does not weed them out

Show quote history

TBH, no I haven't. But DS has. He has SEN and a physical disability which is quite visible. At first he didn't mention them and had zero luck online. Then he got totally honest about who he was and his success rate is through the roof. He's had two serious relationships, one FWB who he sees twice a week and they adore each other, and one really sweet summer romance with someone who was only in UK for two weeks. His confidence is transformed. So I wondered if honesty makes you stand out to the kind of people who want you for who you are and what you really want.

DorisDill · 01/10/2023 15:45

amdramsham · 26/09/2023 14:32

@TeenLifeMum Even with open communication about what you want it doesn't make that much difference because many men will just say what they think will keep you dangling with no intention of following though on it or they rapidly change their mind or get cold feet. Its something that is very difficult to test because its unreasonable to expect to get married or try for a baby before a couple of years of dating and by then if you are over 30 or 35 if the man changes his tune if you try and advance the relationship in the ways you both previously agreed about then he's wasted 2 years of your precious time with lies and future faking.

While I also see your point about people with unhappy relationships, holding up those in awful situations and saying that they are worse off is of little consolation, there will always be people better or worse off then yourself that doesn't stop you wanting more for yourself or feeling shit about what you don't have.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to get married or try for a baby a couple of years into a relationship.

I also thing you need to really look at your part and your choices here.

When someone is head over heels about you, you know it. You know by how they behave and what they do on a daily basis, not what they talk about in the future. But have chosen to have and stay in relationships with men who were a bit lukewarm about you. Why?

Have you ever dated someone who clearly liked you more than you liked them? Or met lovely guys who you just didn’t feel that “spark” with? How did you deal with those situations?

TotalOverhaul · 01/10/2023 15:45

guild · 01/10/2023 15:15

Marry a nerd. Seriously. They make the best, most interesting and loyal husbands.

I agree. A friend of mine recently married a uni prof who'd only ever had one girlfriend and she was a sponge. The pair of them are like puppies. They just bounce for joy around each other and are clearly utterly besotted with each other. it's so adorable. I really like him. He may not be trad buff handsome, but he is brilliant and incredibly kind and loyal and appreciative, thoughtful, romantic and generous. he has transformed her quite difficult life, and she has transformed his.

JamboreeTips · 01/10/2023 19:27

guild · 01/10/2023 15:15

Marry a nerd. Seriously. They make the best, most interesting and loyal husbands.

@guild that post sounded way too smug.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 01/10/2023 19:38

JamboreeTips · 01/10/2023 19:27

@guild that post sounded way too smug.

Edited
Show quote history

Why?

Disturbia81 · 01/10/2023 23:03

Agree with the nerds thing, they might not be a typical alpha male who naturally attracts many women but that's a good thing.
Their brains are so focussed on being nerdy that they don't entertain sleaziness and putting it about. Not ruled by their penis. You are the only woman that exists for them.
This is a generalisation but true of the nerds/geeks I know.

OofyDoofy · 02/10/2023 05:15

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster

Loopylooni · 02/10/2023 06:52

I've dated some nerdy, academic men and whilst they are brilliant in some ways, they have their own issues (awkward, depressive) but on the whole, a lot more decent as a partner.

I think at this age, the pool is so small. My friends all wish they had been more active in meeting someone when younger. That's definitely what I'll be telling my children. Otherwise mid 40s is a tough gig. My only friend who met someone relatively decent had done OLD for 6 years, 3 dates a week. Even she says she was lucky to meet her now husband who is brilliant but never had a long term ex (same as her), so neither had obvious 'baggage'

Disturbia81 · 02/10/2023 08:06

@OofyDoofy They can. Or autistic to a level that doesn't allow proper emotional intimacy. But I said I was generalising. They are usually a safe bet

OofyDoofy · 02/10/2023 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster

Badbadbunny · 02/10/2023 18:47

Disturbia81 · 01/10/2023 23:03

Agree with the nerds thing, they might not be a typical alpha male who naturally attracts many women but that's a good thing.
Their brains are so focussed on being nerdy that they don't entertain sleaziness and putting it about. Not ruled by their penis. You are the only woman that exists for them.
This is a generalisation but true of the nerds/geeks I know.

They're also usually into following "rules" so also morals, so putting it about and/or being abusive to their partner is just not in their mind at all. Like all things, there are pros and cons. My OH is "nerdy" and his case, "romance" etc is a bit lacking, but he's thoughtful, reliable, etc in all other ways, so on balance, he works for me and I have no worries at all about faithfulness, respecting me, etc.

bonzaitree · 02/10/2023 19:07

2 observations OP, that I think could be harsh. The first is that you have some very negative opinions of men, women and dating.

Second is that if you have been dating for 20 years and no one has wanted to commit, it is probably an issue with who you’re picking to be with and possibly your behaviour in a relationship. Not being funny but women with 3 and a half teeth have blokes fighting over them on Jeremy Kyle.

If I were you I’d go to a counsellor and speak to them about what’s going on. You might find it helpful!

bonzaitree · 02/10/2023 19:17

FedUpOfItA · 01/10/2023 12:42

I listened to a really good podcast recently about finding long-term relationships and one of the points it made was that if you want someone long term you need to not date for attraction but instead compatability. It was very against rushing into anything and recommended building a solid foundation of friendship before getting physical. It definitely makes sense.

I think the modern idea is that you go on a few dates with someone then decide to be in a relationship with them before you really know you're truly compatible. This model seems like a way for men to gain control of a woman. Before getting into a relationship the woman has all the control, particularly if they're financially independent.

Sounds interesting, which podcast?

SurprisedWithAHorse · 02/10/2023 19:43

bonzaitree · 02/10/2023 19:07

2 observations OP, that I think could be harsh. The first is that you have some very negative opinions of men, women and dating.

Second is that if you have been dating for 20 years and no one has wanted to commit, it is probably an issue with who you’re picking to be with and possibly your behaviour in a relationship. Not being funny but women with 3 and a half teeth have blokes fighting over them on Jeremy Kyle.

If I were you I’d go to a counsellor and speak to them about what’s going on. You might find it helpful!

Not being funny but women with 3 and a half teeth have blokes fighting over them on Jeremy Kyle.

I don't think that's a sign of doing it right!

dressedforcomfort · 03/10/2023 07:07

I do think it's 95 percent luck unfortunately. Please don't think there's anything wrong with you or you're not as good as other women because I really think luck plays such a huge part.

I agree with this. I have some wonderful single female friends and it baffles me why they are single. They just haven't crossed paths with someone who is a 'keeper'. I think there's a lot more good women out there than good men tbh. (Too many commitment-phobe, manchild types around.)

Missdemeanorz · 03/10/2023 07:22

Dp and I had a discussion about this topic. He believes men realize that the rise of online dating and societal norms have created an abundance of women available to them. In the past, he has dated up to a dozen women simultaneously, highlighting the intense competition among women.
I'm not sure if men actually care about women's careers or their homes, to be honest.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 03/10/2023 08:35

I'm not sure if men actually care about women's careers or their homes, to be honest.

Unless they're looking to be kept, no, I don't think they do. A man might want a woman not to be totally financially dependent on him, but I don't think they look at careers and homes as traits of attraction in the way women do.

I wonder if some of the confusion comes from men and women not really getting that they want different things from each other. I think women on OLD sometimes focus on things like their great careers because they want a man with a great career - but that's not what men really care about in dating. And that godawful bare chested bathroom or bed selfie from men...that's the kind of picture they'd like to see from women, but women hate it from men!

Original poster
amdramsham · 03/10/2023 09:47

@PeggyPiglet I am not sure there are lots of decent blokes knocking about it might appear that way and yes women in general can get sex off some guy when they want it but a relationship with a man prepared to be an equal partner is much harder to find.

OP posts:
Original poster
amdramsham · 03/10/2023 09:52

SurprisedWithAHorse · 03/10/2023 08:35

I'm not sure if men actually care about women's careers or their homes, to be honest.

Unless they're looking to be kept, no, I don't think they do. A man might want a woman not to be totally financially dependent on him, but I don't think they look at careers and homes as traits of attraction in the way women do.

I wonder if some of the confusion comes from men and women not really getting that they want different things from each other. I think women on OLD sometimes focus on things like their great careers because they want a man with a great career - but that's not what men really care about in dating. And that godawful bare chested bathroom or bed selfie from men...that's the kind of picture they'd like to see from women, but women hate it from men!

You might have a point but I think for a lot of women having a good career themselves is important to them in an intrinsic way not just because they want the men to earn well. Men probably all think they are sexy beasts 😂

I think if a man earns enough to support everyone he seems to actively prefer that his wife doesn't work, my cousin married a pro-footballer and very few of the women she knows married to players work and wives are often met with opposition if they try to work at least until the money runs out.

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 03/10/2023 09:54

God yeah, some of the photos men post in OLD are hideous - what makes them think a bed selfie is attractive to a woman?!

Original poster
amdramsham · 03/10/2023 09:58

Missdemeanorz · 03/10/2023 07:22

Dp and I had a discussion about this topic. He believes men realize that the rise of online dating and societal norms have created an abundance of women available to them. In the past, he has dated up to a dozen women simultaneously, highlighting the intense competition among women.
I'm not sure if men actually care about women's careers or their homes, to be honest.

To me that doesn't make much sense because the stats show that far fewer women are on online dating than men, something like for every 100 real people (once you remove fake profiles, scams, escorts) on online dating 80 will be men and 20 will be women. So if anything there is a deficit of women online. Perhaps for the most attractive men who perhaps have their pick of those 20 women it might be an abundance but for most men it won't be and eventually women get wise to the fact that some men on dating sites string multiple women along at the same time.

Normal average men probably do care about if a woman has a career and her living situation because most people can't afford to take on a liability they want someone who can contribute and be an equal or at least equitable partner. If a man is very rich or only after sex then he possibly doesn't care about things like how much money his potential wife has but in most cases I think they do.

OP posts: