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Original poster

Envious of women with good loving partners

145 replies

amdramsham · 26/09/2023 12:36

I am early 40's, attractive, fit, own my own home, work, no debt aside from mortgage, drive, have plenty of friends, a good social life, close to family but no man I've ever dated has wanted to marry me or commit to me long term.

I look at the other women I know who do have long term male partners who obviously adore them and think what do these women have that I don't? I want to make clear that its not me wanting their husbands but just wondering how some women can find a man who is actually a good partner or be a woman that men want to be that kind of man for and I can't?

My last "proper" relationship ended just after I turned 40 after 2 years when it became apparent that he didn't have any interest in committing to our relationship long term, moving in or marriage. Its hard because in the first 6 months the relationship seems so good, the men seem really happy to be with you and talk about a future together but once you're in love they cool off, treat you like an afterthought and you're left trying to figure out what you did wrong and how to fix it as you're already so invested in the relationship.

When I went back to dating after my last relationship I feel like men in my age range 5 years younger to 10 years older are now quite open about not wanting a serious committed relationship with me, they enjoy my company, they are happy to have a casual arrangement for sex and even dating but commitment and love is reserved for younger women. The only men who are interested in me more seriously seem to be men in their late 50's to 60's who I don't rule out wholesale but I've not met one I find to be compatible and I worry about how it would be with a man close to 70 when I am in my early 50's.

Much younger men are interested but again not as a serious prospect, I've had a few friends get into relationships with much younger guys who suddenly go off them when they meet someone more their own age to start a life and have kids with, understandable perhaps but painful just the same.

I don't know I think perhaps its just your luck if you land a good one when you are young but if you aren't lucky its increasingly hard to find a good man who will commit to you perhaps?

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAHorse · 30/09/2023 19:04

PeggyPiglet · 30/09/2023 19:04

Slim pickings? Every other thread on here seems to be women considering leaving their lovely husbands because they want more sex/lust.

There must be loads of decent blokes knocking about.

Are we reading the same forum?

Wavessea · 30/09/2023 22:47

I’m surprised at the amount of posters saying it’s luck! If you think like this then you’re literally saying you have no agency in your own life and future. I seriously cannot believe so many people think it’s down to luck.

if you take the view that it’s down to some stars aligning and some weird metaphysical phenomena then you may as well give up and just start praying for the committed partner you want.

it’s not down to luck ,it’s down to deciding what you want in your life and what kind of partner will make you happy and fulfilled.

you need to set standards. If you want your next relationship to be committed set it out date one or two and be clear with what you want. Sure the date may not want the same thing but you have that conversation early on so you don’t waste your time.

Even write a list of the type of partner who will make you happy and who will enrich your life.

you have more choice and autonomy than you think.

You don’t wait for the man to call the shots

Anothagoatthis · 01/10/2023 00:38

Disturbia81 · 27/09/2023 22:05

Low standards I guess.

Show quote history

get a grip, it’s not low standards 😂 It just doesn’t bother me. There may be things you don’t care about that I’m fussy about. Everyone’s different.

Loopylooni · 01/10/2023 07:22

@MamaToABeautifulBoy Its because you said your husband only dated young beautiful women before you, inferring you are also beautiful. I assume that's why you got the snide remarks. Ignore!

Pacificisolated · 01/10/2023 08:10

You’re at a tricky dating age. My coworker was dating to find a potential husband at 38 and in her words ‘only the dregs are left’. The men who want to date women of that age are not an attractive prospect.
Allegedly things improve a bit by your mid to late forties when some nice but divorced men become available. But of course they often come with the baggage of stepchildren which you may not want.
I agree wholeheartedly that it’s a matter of luck that you meet someone keen to settle down in your twenties! As women our fertility is much more limited and we have to be very careful about time wasters.

Anothagoatthis · 01/10/2023 08:14

Pacificisolated · 01/10/2023 08:10

You’re at a tricky dating age. My coworker was dating to find a potential husband at 38 and in her words ‘only the dregs are left’. The men who want to date women of that age are not an attractive prospect.
Allegedly things improve a bit by your mid to late forties when some nice but divorced men become available. But of course they often come with the baggage of stepchildren which you may not want.
I agree wholeheartedly that it’s a matter of luck that you meet someone keen to settle down in your twenties! As women our fertility is much more limited and we have to be very careful about time wasters.

I don’t think it’s true to say only the dregs are left or want to date women of that age. We hear countless stories of young couples where one or both turn out to be awful. Bad men also marry early hence all the outrageous stories we read on here.

There can be pee in the dating pool no matter what age we are. I’ve known many good news stories about older couples who have met.

And tbh I think I’d be more cautious about getting with a divorced man in his 40s with or without children than a man who has never married.

The divorce rate of second marriages is higher and for the ones who have kids being a stepmother isn’t easy or financially or emotionally desirable for a lot of people.

I just think it’s a bit irresponsible to push that narrative of no more nice guys by 40 because then you get women scrabbling to accept they can.

Some of the most decent guys I’ve known from uni are still single in their 40s and I’d sooner recommend them to a friend to date, than men who are like my exes who married in their early 30s and are pretty awful.

Anothagoatthis · 01/10/2023 08:21

Or my friends awful exes who they divorced in their late 30s. Men (or women) who are ‘snapped up’ early aren’t necessarily the prize. And men and women who don’t find their one until later or take their time a bit more aren’t necessarily the dregs.

But to answer your question OP yes it does get increasingly hard because there’s just a smaller pool to choose from. I only date men with no children for example and while I get a lot of dates with decent men I can only imagine all the ones that are ruled out. That said a friend I know has been aggressively dating since her late 20s and she’s also still single. I feel for some people it’s just hard and to some extent yes a matter of good fortunate and right time right place.

I’ve been proposed to twice, but I’m still single as I didn’t feel they were right for me. Whats interesting about those proposals is I met those men by chance encounter and neither really knew me that well. My point is sometimes men just propose to the woman who happens to be around. It doesn’t mean she has anything particularly special they like beyond a pleasant smile or pretty hair. Lol. And women often just accept the first offer they get.

Which probably accounts for why about half of all marriages end in divorce and many more limp on miserably.

MistyBay · 01/10/2023 08:25

My X did this, everyone thought he adored me for 24 years. Still didn’t stop him leaving me. It’s not always what it looks like.

MamaToABeautifulBoy · 01/10/2023 08:27

Loopylooni · 01/10/2023 07:22

@MamaToABeautifulBoy Its because you said your husband only dated young beautiful women before you, inferring you are also beautiful. I assume that's why you got the snide remarks. Ignore!

Ah, I see… I think you might be onto something 😜

Anothagoatthis · 01/10/2023 08:32

MistyBay · 01/10/2023 08:25

My X did this, everyone thought he adored me for 24 years. Still didn’t stop him leaving me. It’s not always what it looks like.

This. I always think we really don’t know what’s going on in other peoples relationships.

Disturbia81 · 01/10/2023 09:11

Loopylooni · 01/10/2023 07:22

@MamaToABeautifulBoy Its because you said your husband only dated young beautiful women before you, inferring you are also beautiful. I assume that's why you got the snide remarks. Ignore!

No it wasn't that at all. It's him only going for younger beautiful women, says he's a shallow person and that's not desirable. She'll need to watch that one.

Badbadbunny · 01/10/2023 09:27

I do think there's a lot of truth in the "do the same thing but expect different results" saying.

People seem surprised that they always find the "same kind of men" if they go looking for them in pubs or clubs, or join online dating apps. Well, that's because it''ll be mostly the same kind of men who go to pubs and clubs and join dating apps. Not all men, in fact, probably a minority will be doing those things. There'll be loads of blokes who don't go to pubs and clubs, for example, if they're introverted, shy, socially anxious etc. It'll be mostly the "loud" alpha-male types who hang out around pubs/clubs etc looking for a shag, it'll be mostly weirdos or married men hanging out on ONL looking for a shag!

I met my OH through voluntary work we both did. He wasn't a drinker, so didn't "do" pubs and clubs. We didn't even "date" as such, we just grew together through work, over several months, and just spent more and more time together, doing things together outside work (i.e. walks, cycle rides, days out etc), and things just naturally developed. Our "meals" together were typically in tourist cafes or takeaways in parks etc. After we finally got together, we often joked that he never actually asked me out on a date, which is entirely true. I think it's fair to say that I was the one who made things happen, i.e. first kiss, first shag, etc., but he was certainly a willing recipient and a quick learner!

That was 36 years ago! Still together, now married with an adult son, still soul-mates, etc.

Sometimes, it's worth broadening your horizons, turn away from "traditional/normal" ways of finding a partner, just live life, enjoy different things, and Mr Perfect may be closer than you think, but may need a bit of a shove in the right direction by you, perhaps you need to make the first move, or suggest doing things together (not necessarily "dating" activities). After all, "confident" kinds of blokes (especially alpha male types) will probably have no problems getting a shag, and that's probably what you'd be to them - the "quieter" ones may well be better long term relationship material, but may need a bit more proactivity on your part.

Ilovelurchers · 01/10/2023 09:29

Just been thinking about this thread - I am similar to you I like to think OP in that I am nice, intelligent, fairly attractive, successful career, mid-40s. I can think of 7 women who could also be described like this who I know well enough to have a fair idea what their personal life is actually like (as opposed to what might be presented to the public). And including me, they are as follows:

  1. Married for about 12 years but on the second affair - her husband has known about her affairs all along so maybe I shouldn't call them affairs but more a semi-open marriage - she is finally getting ready to leave him for affair guy but even that is a troubled relationship due to his MH issues.
  1. Divorced and has been single since (5 years) - tries dating sometimes and hates it - feels she always meets twats.
  1. Happily married to another woman for years.
  1. On her third marriage which looks good on the outside but they have gone through some horrific issues together - God knows if it will last. They are reasonably happy now.
  1. Just left her husband of about 20 years. Happily single.
  1. Apart from one short marriage in her 20s, been single all her life. Hooks up with guys off the internet sometimes as her libido is still high - enjoys that but would ideally like more but it never seems to work out.
  1. Been married twice and now in a relationship with an alcoholic she basically cares for full time.
  1. Happily married to a man for years.

I know it seems a bit random, me doing that, but basically I wanted to show that your perceptions of everyone else being settled and happy aren't always the case when you drill down. All 8 of us would look like excellent catches, but three quarters of us have been in and out of relationships of varying shitness all our lives. And you wouldn't necessarily know it to meet us!

I won't say which one above is me, but what I will say is that I have finally achieved happiness in my 40s not due to another person, but by doing stuff for me - getting sober, changing my career, getting hobbies I love, developing excellent relationships with my daughter, stepson, friends and my parents......

I sometimes think we are sold a load of romantic nonsense by the media, and then we all help perpetuate it through social media - I have seen the very women above post pictures of lovely Valentine's gifts from partners I knew they were contemplating leaving, etc etc.....

If you can, finally, begin a love affair with yourself, then you will truly have found somebody who will always treat you well and never leave you for another.....

Good luck. X

NorseKiwi · 01/10/2023 11:28

Have you thought about mixing your life up a bit and planning to go on a big trip round the world? I find that when you switch your energy up in that you don't need a relationship to work because you are going to travelling in South America in 6 months time type thing, you meet someone amazing, just before you leave. There is a lot to do with the energy we put out. I was planning to emigrate in a years time and thought well before I go, I'll make the most of where I live as I don't want to tread water for a year. I joined new clubs, new sports, did some Tinder dating and the very last guy in my Tinder queue that I met up with turned out to be bloody lovely, we are still together 7 months later. I cant fault the guy, he is everything I always wanted.

Anothagoatthis · 01/10/2023 12:10

Badbadbunny · 01/10/2023 09:27

I do think there's a lot of truth in the "do the same thing but expect different results" saying.

People seem surprised that they always find the "same kind of men" if they go looking for them in pubs or clubs, or join online dating apps. Well, that's because it''ll be mostly the same kind of men who go to pubs and clubs and join dating apps. Not all men, in fact, probably a minority will be doing those things. There'll be loads of blokes who don't go to pubs and clubs, for example, if they're introverted, shy, socially anxious etc. It'll be mostly the "loud" alpha-male types who hang out around pubs/clubs etc looking for a shag, it'll be mostly weirdos or married men hanging out on ONL looking for a shag!

I met my OH through voluntary work we both did. He wasn't a drinker, so didn't "do" pubs and clubs. We didn't even "date" as such, we just grew together through work, over several months, and just spent more and more time together, doing things together outside work (i.e. walks, cycle rides, days out etc), and things just naturally developed. Our "meals" together were typically in tourist cafes or takeaways in parks etc. After we finally got together, we often joked that he never actually asked me out on a date, which is entirely true. I think it's fair to say that I was the one who made things happen, i.e. first kiss, first shag, etc., but he was certainly a willing recipient and a quick learner!

That was 36 years ago! Still together, now married with an adult son, still soul-mates, etc.

Sometimes, it's worth broadening your horizons, turn away from "traditional/normal" ways of finding a partner, just live life, enjoy different things, and Mr Perfect may be closer than you think, but may need a bit of a shove in the right direction by you, perhaps you need to make the first move, or suggest doing things together (not necessarily "dating" activities). After all, "confident" kinds of blokes (especially alpha male types) will probably have no problems getting a shag, and that's probably what you'd be to them - the "quieter" ones may well be better long term relationship material, but may need a bit more proactivity on your part.

Edited

With all due respect you haven’t been on the dating scene for over 36 years so you really don’t have much current experience of this.

There are weirdos online dating yes, but a significant amount of singles if not the majority of singles aged over 21 will be on apps at some point, so it’s no longer true to say it’s just weirdos. That is an extremely outdated view .
And I met my fair share of weirdos in my 20s out and about when dating apps weren’t a thing.

I’d say quite a wide range of men especially under 30 go to clubs and pubs too even though I don’t definitely wouldn’t assume it’s mostly loud alpha males.

Those who go out looking for partners intentionally get told they’re doing it wrong, those who have lived their life travelling and doing interesting things and just enjoying their life hoping to meet someone organically are told they’re not intentional enough or sending out the right signals to prospective suitors.

In todays day and age men are less confident or prepared to approach women outside of dating apps, many women aren’t prepared to put up with men who have poor Social skills or low emotional intelligence, and for many other reasons (including apps) people are less prepared to embark on exclusive relationships so there’s a variety of factors why it’s more difficult in 2023 to find someone than in the 80s.

Instead of those happily married ‘blaming’ others for being single and thinking they did something right to end up with the love of their lives, people just need to accept that it is very often is a matter of luck and chance and good fortune.

Anothagoatthis · 01/10/2023 12:19

Btw that is not to say there aren’t some things you can do to put yourself into a better position to meet the love of your life. But there’s no easy blueprint to follow which will guarantee your soul mate at the end is what I mean. And let’s face it many couples are just people who found someone else they could tolerate and could tolerate them but some of us are looking for a bit more than that which makes it trickier.

Anothagoatthis · 01/10/2023 12:21

NorseKiwi · 01/10/2023 11:28

Have you thought about mixing your life up a bit and planning to go on a big trip round the world? I find that when you switch your energy up in that you don't need a relationship to work because you are going to travelling in South America in 6 months time type thing, you meet someone amazing, just before you leave. There is a lot to do with the energy we put out. I was planning to emigrate in a years time and thought well before I go, I'll make the most of where I live as I don't want to tread water for a year. I joined new clubs, new sports, did some Tinder dating and the very last guy in my Tinder queue that I met up with turned out to be bloody lovely, we are still together 7 months later. I cant fault the guy, he is everything I always wanted.

I always meet men when I travel for some reason! Many of them I’ve kept in touch with and they’ve even wanted to fly out to see me or for me to move over there.

I’ve always had a feeling my soul mate (s) are not in the UK 😆 although I am dating someone from here currently.

NorseKiwi · 01/10/2023 12:29

Well it turned out the best guy I ever met (to date) was in NZ, half a world away, I didn't meet him until I was 45! I have done a lot of work on myself over the last 5 years. Little fazes me now. I've never been with someone who I don't have to think about what to say next. I love spending lots of time with him. It really is about timing and luck. I have been single for most of my adult life.

TotalOverhaul · 01/10/2023 12:38

Out of interest, have you been absolutely upfront in what you want on OLD? Have you said you are looking for a man who is ready to meet his life partner and to settle down, as well as listing your interests and strengths? That way you weed out the players and the men who are scared of that level of commitment. You may get fewer replies but of better quality.

FedUpOfItA · 01/10/2023 12:42

I listened to a really good podcast recently about finding long-term relationships and one of the points it made was that if you want someone long term you need to not date for attraction but instead compatability. It was very against rushing into anything and recommended building a solid foundation of friendship before getting physical. It definitely makes sense.

I think the modern idea is that you go on a few dates with someone then decide to be in a relationship with them before you really know you're truly compatible. This model seems like a way for men to gain control of a woman. Before getting into a relationship the woman has all the control, particularly if they're financially independent.

NotNowGertrude · 01/10/2023 12:45

TotalOverhaul · 01/10/2023 12:38

Out of interest, have you been absolutely upfront in what you want on OLD? Have you said you are looking for a man who is ready to meet his life partner and to settle down, as well as listing your interests and strengths? That way you weed out the players and the men who are scared of that level of commitment. You may get fewer replies but of better quality.

Have you been OLD? Even if you're up front about what you want it doesn't mean potential dates are? A lot lie & project, mirror your wants & theres a lot of future fakers out there. Simply being up front about what you want does not weed them out

Shimla999 · 01/10/2023 12:54

Anothagoatthis · 01/10/2023 12:10

With all due respect you haven’t been on the dating scene for over 36 years so you really don’t have much current experience of this.

There are weirdos online dating yes, but a significant amount of singles if not the majority of singles aged over 21 will be on apps at some point, so it’s no longer true to say it’s just weirdos. That is an extremely outdated view .
And I met my fair share of weirdos in my 20s out and about when dating apps weren’t a thing.

I’d say quite a wide range of men especially under 30 go to clubs and pubs too even though I don’t definitely wouldn’t assume it’s mostly loud alpha males.

Those who go out looking for partners intentionally get told they’re doing it wrong, those who have lived their life travelling and doing interesting things and just enjoying their life hoping to meet someone organically are told they’re not intentional enough or sending out the right signals to prospective suitors.

In todays day and age men are less confident or prepared to approach women outside of dating apps, many women aren’t prepared to put up with men who have poor Social skills or low emotional intelligence, and for many other reasons (including apps) people are less prepared to embark on exclusive relationships so there’s a variety of factors why it’s more difficult in 2023 to find someone than in the 80s.

Instead of those happily married ‘blaming’ others for being single and thinking they did something right to end up with the love of their lives, people just need to accept that it is very often is a matter of luck and chance and good fortune.

Edited
Show quote history

I totally agree with you, Anothagoatthis. And I really do not agree with Badbadbunny's view of OLD. Sure, there are weirdos online - just as there are in real life! But to say that they are mostly weirdos or married men hanging out for a shag is simply not true, in my opinion. What makes you think that? Have you personal experience of this? You say you have been in a happy relationship with your partner for 36 years, so I doubt it.

I am probably older than most of you posting on this thread - I'm 60. I met my ex-DP (father of my DD) online years ago and we were together for over 14 years. I also met my latest DP online and we were together for 5 years. It is very difficult to find a partner at my age. I work from home and most of my friends are in LTR, happy or not. OLD is one option I have tried (and to some extent it can work, but it can also be very depressing), but I also try to go out on hikes with different groups etc. and join in other activities that involve meeting people in real life.

Whilst I really do feel quite envious of some of my friends who have been with their partners/husbands for over 30 years, I do believe that it is down to luck to a great extent. They were fortunate that they met the right person at the right time and grew and evolved together.

But, obviously, just because a couple has been together for 20 years, for example, doesn't mean they will stay together. When my DD's dad and I split up, I was very envious of a friend who I thought was very happily married and had the 'perfect' family. Soon after, she found out her husband had been cheating on her for years! They are now divorced. Another example - the parents of one of my daughter's friends - I also thought they were a 'perfect' family. They have just separated after over 20 years together. Appearances can be deceptive.

JamboreeTips · 01/10/2023 14:03

I think the modern idea is that you go on a few dates with someone then decide to be in a relationship with them before you really know you're truly compatible. This model seems like a way for men to gain control of a woman. Before getting into a relationship the woman has all the control, particularly if they're financially independent

^ wow, I think this is very telling! @FedUpOfItA makes a very valid observation methinks.

anotherdisaster · 01/10/2023 15:08

I feel like this but i actually blame myself. When I was younger (and slim and attractive), I was never interested in settling down with the guys who were actually really lovely to me. I always ended up falling for the utter arseholes who treated me like shit. I have so many regrets about that now because I find myself single in my late 40s and these lovely guys I dumped years ago are all happily married. When I have tried online dating, I have found exactly the same thing..... Even guys in their 50s and 60s want younger than me, or its younger guys who just want an experienced older woman. I've given up now.

guild · 01/10/2023 15:15

Marry a nerd. Seriously. They make the best, most interesting and loyal husbands.