Envious of women with good loving partners

[amdramsham]

I am early 40's, attractive, fit, own my own home, work, no debt aside from mortgage, drive, have plenty of friends, a good social life, close to family but no man I've ever dated has wanted to marry me or commit to me long term.

I look at the other women I know who do have long term male partners who obviously adore them and think what do these women have that I don't? I want to make clear that its not me wanting their husbands but just wondering how some women can find a man who is actually a good partner or be a woman that men want to be that kind of man for and I can't?

My last "proper" relationship ended just after I turned 40 after 2 years when it became apparent that he didn't have any interest in committing to our relationship long term, moving in or marriage. Its hard because in the first 6 months the relationship seems so good, the men seem really happy to be with you and talk about a future together but once you're in love they cool off, treat you like an afterthought and you're left trying to figure out what you did wrong and how to fix it as you're already so invested in the relationship.

When I went back to dating after my last relationship I feel like men in my age range 5 years younger to 10 years older are now quite open about not wanting a serious committed relationship with me, they enjoy my company, they are happy to have a casual arrangement for sex and even dating but commitment and love is reserved for younger women. The only men who are interested in me more seriously seem to be men in their late 50's to 60's who I don't rule out wholesale but I've not met one I find to be compatible and I worry about how it would be with a man close to 70 when I am in my early 50's.

Much younger men are interested but again not as a serious prospect, I've had a few friends get into relationships with much younger guys who suddenly go off them when they meet someone more their own age to start a life and have kids with, understandable perhaps but painful just the same.

I don't know I think perhaps its just your luck if you land a good one when you are young but if you aren't lucky its increasingly hard to find a good man who will commit to you perhaps?

I think as you say it's luck. Also being aware that sometimes the fun clubbing guy isn't really the good family guy.
I met my DH because he was a friend of my brother, a bit of a geek and little wary of women in general. Took a while to get to know him and found that the geeky guy who barely spoke to me some days owing to shyness would also go out of his way to make sure I was included in their outings and had a good time. We dated almost by accident but since then he's put me front and centre in his life, he's supported me in all I've set out to do and was a great dad now grandad. He definitely wasn't the sort of person I thought I'd end up with.
Several of his friends are/were bachelors mostly because like you they never met the right person, most of them gave up on the idea of marriage or relationships fairly early and focused on their hobbies though one married in his late 40s when he met a nice lady.

You never know who it may be or when it'll happen.

@Bobbotgegrinch I appreciate hearing your story and your honesty about your situation. I have to say it doesn't really apply to the couples I know who were together and married for years before having children so commitment in those cases came first. It sounds like it has worked out for you and you were able to grow up when it came to the crunch. It is possible if I'd just got pregnant it would have worked out that way with one of my ex's but for me I wanted these things to be planned and wanted by both of us.

@Mrsttcno1 Being involved with my own interests is mostly what I do now given I don't have a partner because I do understand that I need to make a life I am happy with without a partner. I do hear of people meeting someone in this way but I work with a few older women in their 50's who also eventually took this path after years of singledom or divorce and they are all still single now so it doesn't always come to you when you aren't looking.

@BigFatLiar I've dated the fun clubbing guy but I've also dated the shy guy, including a guy who'd never had a girlfriend in his 20's at all and while they seem really thrilled at first, it felt like I was giving them a taste of what they could be having from all kinds of women and once their confidence was up they left because they "had things they needed to get out of their system" before settling down.

I haven't completely given up hope, I know it's still possible but it feels increasingly unlikely.

@amdramsham didn't want to read and run but are you me?! I think it's all luck. I'm often socialising with couples now and honestly I'm totally envious/in awe of how lovely they seem together. One has met a guy post an abusive relationship and he's such a lovely partner and step dad. I'm out of an abusive relationship and the only men I met over the last 5 years have had their own issues even though nice guys (not surmountable). Once I started having decent standards ie someone with their shit together, divorced (nor just separated) etc, the pool became tiny/non existent. I am successful, popular friend wise and I'm blessed in many ways. But no man, and certainly none who are decent to me as those my friends are with. They met via friends or work or online (just the one).

And please don't add that things aren't what they seem. I can see who are happy and who aren't!

No @amdramsham I do agree it doesn’t always come when you aren’t looking, but I do think when you are living a life that is unfulfilling and are looking for a man/woman to provide that, that’s when you end up with lots of short term boyfriends like you describe which last 6 months ish and then fizzle out, and in some ways maybe that’s worse than just being single and building a life for yourself that you’re totally happy with while waiting to potentially meet Mr Right?

When you are actively looking and feel like you NEED a man, you’re very susceptible to falling in with the wrong ones because they seem to meet your needs in that moment. When you stop needing one, you may find that one does come to you. People who are happy within themselves attract other people who are happy within themselves x

Don't worry, I'm not suggesting that's the way to make a relationship work, that would be spectacularly bad advice!

It was just an example that it's not always about the people in isolation, it's about the headspace and the circumstances those people are in as well at the time.

@Loopylooni Thank you so much for your post it is so good to hear from someone else actually in the same boat! You are spot on that if you do have standards and boundaries and say no to all the poor offers to be a bed warmer for some guy who thinks he's owed a 32 year old or an older man who wants you to look after him as he ages the options dwindle to basically nothing!

@Mrsttcno1 I do really appreciate all you are saying and I will take it onboard but my life in all other aspects is happy and fulfilling, I am not desperate or deluded about the men or constantly looking for a man, when I was younger I found men tended to say one thing but disappear when the relationship was ready to move to that level. Since my last relationship broke up a few years ago I haven't really been in a relationship because men just see me as an option for a bit of company and no strings sex, that isn't good enough for me so I say no. Much older men have a more serious interest but they are not compatible with me for lots of reasons.

I have everything else I need in life but I would like a good male life partner, something that seems to fall into the laps of some women but has never happened for me for some reason.

I think it is very hard to find a partner at mid-life who has shared goals. In the 20's and 30's, marriages and living together relationships are often formed as a basis for bringing up young families, or building financial futures through house buying etc. Most people 40+ are not looking to have more children, and many men who have been divorced are financially worse off as a result, and/or emotionally bruised. I am not suggesting this doesn't apply to women as well, but I do think single people looking for serious commitment from mid-life onwards are searching for needles in haystacks. Sure it can happen, but I think it is a mix of luck and mutual cooperation. Then you have much older men looking for a younger mate, and they maybe willing to get married. But they feel entitled to a younger partner as a trophy, and they maybe trying to guarantee a carer/ housekeeper for their old age. They will age and need looking after potentially in old age. Not everyone is looking for that sort of domestic arrangement. I am single and staying that way as I have thrown the towel in the world of dating. It is a waste of my time that I could spend more enjoyably engaged in other interests. Since divorcing at 40, I have had a few boyfriends and all were looking for living together or marriage relationships with me. I rejected each of them because they were after me for financial stability, and I won't be used. I doubt they would have been bringing up commitment if they didn't feel potentially better off/ looked after, and trying to secure their retirement years. If you had seen me with these boyfriends, you may have thought they adored me as they were certainly attentive and responsive, and had all the flattery going on. My point is that not everything is as it seems. Some men appear to adore a woman, but there is a whole agenda going on that you only see when you look closely.

@scoobydoo1971 You make a lot of good points much of which I agree with. I have met men looking to benefit from my financial security but I don't date them, men who are on the same level financially as me i.e. secure seem to want to play the field and not settle down for anything less than a woman under 35, preferably after a few years of sleeping with lots of women.

I agree that as you get older it gets harder but it didn't seem all that much easier when I was younger, I was more naïve and hopeful perhaps?

Most of the couples I know where they are happy, they have been together for decades and the man is the higher earner so I doubt their adoration is down to the financial security their female partner brings. I did have a male friend years ago who married his wife because he had flunked university, buggering up his earning potential and his girlfriend / wife was a doctor and he knew she was his passage to the kind of middle class life he would otherwise not have been able to achieve and that had he had more financial independence he would have felt more confident to end things with her and sow his wild oats. As it is they seemed fine together, I lost touch with them years ago now.

Op these men your age who you find aren't in it for the long term... do they have kids? When I was dating in my early forties I found men who wanted kids showed no interest..unless they had kids.

I think it's mostly luck and being in the right place at the right time. I do tend to think that relationships formed in the late teens and early twenties have a better chance of lasting as they are usually based on mutual attraction, enjoying the other person and fun times together rather than practical or financial reasons which tend to become more important later in life.

You see many women on here in their thirties and forties wringing their hands about choosing a man who seems a safe bet but who they lack attraction to. In my opinion these relationships are doomed form the start, resentment will always bleed in. A good and lasting relationship can't be built on practicalities or financial security alone.

Attraction, friendship and shared fun will keep you together and happy, but a mortgage, good job or children won't.

@Ibizafun Its both really men with kids are as a PP said usually out of long term relationships / divorced and want to date as many women as they can casually and simultaneously for a prolonged period until they meet someone they really like usually younger to settle back down with or they get to their mid 50's and then think the 40 somethings suddenly look much more appealing.

I do understand single men wanting children wanting a younger woman but I also suspect these same men messed about girlfriends their own age in their 20's and 30's dithering over commitment and kids because biologically as men they have the luxury of doing so while women's fertility is finite. I know because I was one of those women.

@hamsterchump I agree with you actually but in youth you have the luxury of dating for fun or just because you fancy each other. In that context is is often just luck that you meet someone who is on the same page as you, securely attached decent, honest etc. If like me you date lovely young guys who then decide they don't want to settle down with you after 6 years together then you start looking out for the kind of red flags that might help you not make the same mistakes again. In my 30's the time frame for having kids was shrinking and I didn't feel I had the luxury of seeing where things would go after 2 or 3 or 4 years the way you can in your 20's because men will very happily stay with you indefinitely and never commit to you or say ok to trying for a baby even if the first year or two of your relationship was full of talk of such things, from him!

As you get older their does need to be a degree of practicality involved otherwise you just get taken for a ride.

Essentially I agree that the best couples seem to meet young before the baggage and bad habits, when you can just have fun and be relaxed for several years.

I used to have a friend who felt exactly the way you do. However, once I got to know her well, I realised that there were reasons why she was still single, one of them being that she wasn't really interested in any guy who wasn't pretty well off and directed her social life so that she was mainly spending time with people who were of a social class I can only describe as 'aspirational'.

OP, I’m a very attractive and young looking woman aged 39. I’m often mistake for 25-30. I’ve always had lots of male interest. Again, from single men and married men. All are beyond excited to date me and lock me down. Most promise a future. When it becomes a reality, they disappear. It’s not just you. It’s luck.

I do tend to think that relationships formed in the late teens and early twenties have a better chance of lasting as they are usually based on mutual attraction, enjoying the other person and fun times together rather than practical or financial reasons which tend to become more important later in life.

Statistics show the younger you marry, the more chance of divorce - esp at the young ages you mention here

ChocolateCinderToffee yeah I’ve dated all walks of life. Poor. Rich. Career jobs. All been the same fundamentally.

They might be few and far between but they exist. I was a single mum and met dh online. He wasn't even fully divorced and had not dated anyone. I refused to see his photo as I was worried I wouldn't fancy him (my ex was good looking but an abusive arsehole) but I could tell I was communicating with someone intelligent, came from the same background and was a family man.

We chatted online/phone for weeks before meeting. He took me to a fabulous place for dinner as he said he had a strong feeling this would be it. He had no desire to serially date or sleep around. 17 years on and my only regret is that I hadn't met him 30 years ago.

I'm telling you this as there really are some decent guys out there You have to have a low tolerance for bullshit and at your age, the reality is you have to be willing and prepared to be a step mum.

I'm pretty sure I don't have anything that you haven't, OP, in terms of looks or things like that. And I've been married for over ten years so I can't say what the dating landscape would be like for me now.

All I can say is that time spent with the wrong person is time that could be spent looking for the right person. It was luck that my husband and I found each other, but I increased my odds by knowing what I wanted and not wasting my time or feelings as soon as I knew a guy wasn't for me.

There are never any guarantees. All you can do is increase your odds and look out for yourself.

If you can afford it and you want kids I'd go it alone and get IUI/IVF at a clinic.
I totally get what you mean about dating. I did marry aged 33 and left me 2 years ago. I feel very blessed to have two kids though.
Dating in my late 40s is a total total non starter. The choice is either casual sex or a geriatric man. I will not consider either so I'm stuck being single.
I just wanted to say I hear you. Hugs x

Have any of you dated in your late 30s/40s? I'm with you. It is really hard. And saying "but XXX marriages are unhappy" is unhelpful! At least they got the chance. Most of the men who want commitment are committed already - to other women. The ones dating fall into a few categories: 80 percent avoidents (maybe they won't show they are scared of commitment straight away, but it'll come), walking red flags (e.g. drug addicts) or desperately in love with an ex. There's a fourth sector: men who want commitment and children but their 'window' is about 10 minutes and they usually go with 30-year-olds. I know there's the odd success story but I've even become sceptical of them. It always seems to be women ignoring red flags from unworthy men or bending so hard they'll break.
So, yes - shit - really hard time to date. May as well carry on though.
Oh and the people who are married are just lucky or maybe more savvy in realising the dating pool is much wider in your 20s.
That's literally it.

How did you meet your husband?

@dreamingbohemian Doh - posted too soon. I can see you've answered this question in your post.

I've been married twice and can honestly say in my experience I've had nothing but trouble. I would just get on with your life and make yourself happy. There's nothing wrong with you in fact you've probably make a few lucky escapes. Marriage is overrated and so are men.

@Katysara Thank you yes that is it! How many posting here have actually been where we are now? I do think most mean well though so I am still thankful for the replies. I think you are right that most of the men with good relationship skills, who want that life long commitment are already taken and happily married and that the men who are actually dating are for the most part men who are not already in relationships for a reason. I do think there are far more of these kinds of men than similar women so essentially not enough good men to go round.

I agree it boils down to being lucky enough to get into a relationship with good man who is suited to marriage in your 20's and having the wisdom to know he's a good catch and hold on to him.

@minieggsandmaltesers Thanks for your reply and your honesty. IVF or Adoption are things I am considering at the moment, ideally I would like a partner for parenting but I know I need to move soon on motherhood.

" The choice is either casual sex or a geriatric man. I will not consider either so I'm stuck being single."

That is exactly the choice I feel faced with and it isn't what I want either so here I am alone!

@SurprisedWithAHorse I get what you are saying to move on if it isn't right but then I have had the exact opposite advice here to not put a schedule on things and just have fun and bond with a person but then that equates to wasting your time as you say when the ghosts you after a year, especially as you get older. Mostly I don't waste time if I can help it. I know I look good, its not my appearance mostly I think I was just unlucky with who I met when I was in my 20's when I did spend too much time with a guy who lied to me about what he wanted for years.

@Katysara I wish there was a like button for your post. 3 out of my last three partners were either pining for their last long term ex or eventually went back to them. So really they had no place dating and I was just a nice place filler. Only my abusive ex wanted 'commitment' plus another who didn't want to work (depression) and thought he'd be a great househusband. When I told him I wanted someone who was more solvent/equal, he said I was materialistic! I just cant win. I'm normal I assure you.