Envious of women with good loving partners

[amdramsham]

I am early 40's, attractive, fit, own my own home, work, no debt aside from mortgage, drive, have plenty of friends, a good social life, close to family but no man I've ever dated has wanted to marry me or commit to me long term.

I look at the other women I know who do have long term male partners who obviously adore them and think what do these women have that I don't? I want to make clear that its not me wanting their husbands but just wondering how some women can find a man who is actually a good partner or be a woman that men want to be that kind of man for and I can't?

My last "proper" relationship ended just after I turned 40 after 2 years when it became apparent that he didn't have any interest in committing to our relationship long term, moving in or marriage. Its hard because in the first 6 months the relationship seems so good, the men seem really happy to be with you and talk about a future together but once you're in love they cool off, treat you like an afterthought and you're left trying to figure out what you did wrong and how to fix it as you're already so invested in the relationship.

When I went back to dating after my last relationship I feel like men in my age range 5 years younger to 10 years older are now quite open about not wanting a serious committed relationship with me, they enjoy my company, they are happy to have a casual arrangement for sex and even dating but commitment and love is reserved for younger women. The only men who are interested in me more seriously seem to be men in their late 50's to 60's who I don't rule out wholesale but I've not met one I find to be compatible and I worry about how it would be with a man close to 70 when I am in my early 50's.

Much younger men are interested but again not as a serious prospect, I've had a few friends get into relationships with much younger guys who suddenly go off them when they meet someone more their own age to start a life and have kids with, understandable perhaps but painful just the same.

I don't know I think perhaps its just your luck if you land a good one when you are young but if you aren't lucky its increasingly hard to find a good man who will commit to you perhaps?

I agree it boils down to being lucky enough to get into a relationship with good man who is suited to marriage in your 20's and having the wisdom to know he's a good catch and hold on to him.

You can know someone is a good man who is suited to marriage but still not be able to hold onto him, no matter how hard you try. Incompatibility is so often overlooked - someone can be perfect on paper, but if you don’t fancy him deep down, it’s a truly miserable place to be.

According to my H one of the best things about being tethered is not having to date.

So in a catch-22 situation you need to find a man who hates dating so much he wants to be in a relationship to never have to do it again.

How you do that dating I have now idea. Perhaps put that on an online dating profile "just want to find a kindred spirit so we can both delete these apps and never go through another first date again". If I ever end up in the need of OLD that will be the sort of thing I put up.

Or check out a couple of local church congregations might be some men there who are looking for more commitment.

The thing is with the men who pine for the Ex is often its just a kind of delusion, I have an ex who pined for me and tormented his next poor girlfriend with the fact that I was his true love when in fact he had dumped me for someone he felt was hotter. It didn't work out for him and he tried to get me back but the truth is he would never be satisfied and always was looking out for the next best thing or the old best thing never what he actually had.

I too want an equal, he doesn't need to earn as much as me but he needs to be gainfully employed and not in masses of debt at a minimum. To me an equal is someone who at least not a total liability due to poor financial choices or addictions. I don't earn enough to keep a househusband any more than most men can afford to keep their wives. Its not materialistic is is basic economics, its different if there are small kids to care for but otherwise he needs to have a job as do I!

I can only tell you my attitude when I met H, yes we might be one of the long term couples who adore each other, but going back to the start.

I completely trusted him, but didn't care if he was out without me, I knew I'd see him in a couple of days or so. I was low maintenance in many ways, and just the right amount of high maintenance for the understanding that there is a line or two for me to be completely low maintenance about everything else.

I didn't try to change him only pointed out a tiny bit of childish or self destructive/dumb behaviour that he might be wise to tweet for his own sake. For example he likes watching a football team (on TV not going to actual games) which I had not intention of ever stopping but sulking after a "bad" game I wouldn't put up with, that's what his mates were for. The childish sulking grew up quite quickly once he figured out I wasn't going to be dragged to some godforsaken pub to watch a match I couldn't care less about with the potential of then being faced with Kevin the teenager. The godforsaken pub and match I could deal with the Kevin the teenager not a chance. That sort of thing.

I’m on holiday and on the cocktails so ignore the sucrose… (and any typos)

It’s dumb luck, OP, and no reflection of you as a person.

I happened to meet the love of my life at 19 and we’ve been together ever since. I never anticipated meeting the one so young but it’s was just serendipitous. He just happened to be my person and I was lucky to find him when I did.

Keep looking. Love is amazing. Don’t give up, and be a bit brave about it. I don’t think anyone would have matched me with my (now) husband on paper, but he makes me a better person, and makes me want to do better.

It’s worth holding out for.

What I meant by that was that sometimes for younger women there is some pressure to not get tied down too soon, to live on your own, to travel, to work abroad to date various people and so on so that you really know yourself and know what you want. Meeting your life partner at university in your late teens or early 20's is kind of incompatible with that option. This wasn't my situation but I do know women who did break up with decent, commitment ready guys in their 20's who wanted to be with them and who they did love and were compatible with because of this pressure or anxiety that they were boxing themselves in by staying in the relationship and by splitting up they did have more adventures, and learned so much about themselves, achieved various ambitions but in all cases but one I don't think they did ever find as reliable a partner again because as has been said previously these kinds of men tend to want to be in relationships and will find someone when they are fairly young. Often men are freer to still pursue career ambitions and adventures in a relationship in a way that women are not in most cases.

Ah okay, we’re talking about different things then.

I was referring to the pressure not to break up with a man because he’s the committing type. We’re constantly told these men are so hard to come by, you’d be foolish to let him go etc. But this kind of thinking completely downplays sexual compatibility, as if the only thing a man needs to be is good on paper.

Interesting thread btw.

I'm not 100 percent clear on the point of people explaining how they managed to find their husband. I don't think there's a suggestion of lack of trust or poor relationship behaviour on the part of any single late 30-something/40-something women. The issue is lack of decent men! It was unquestionably easier in my 20s to find men, but relationships can fall apart and then you're looking down the barrell at 40, single and it's really slim pickings.

There's a stat somewhere that 1/3 men in the UK go to university and 2/3 women go. Then surveys show women won't date a man with a much lower job/income than them (men are happy to date women with lesser jobs) - so basically with more women going into better jobs you end up with a shortage of professional men for them to date...

Not sure if this speaks to your point OP but I certainly feel like since I left university the men have become more and more in scarce supply as me and my friends get older.

Love this! Nice to hear a good news story.

@MsCactus I did go to university but I think when I graduated the numbers of men to women would have been much more even or maybe even more men than women.

I have seen that research too and perhaps it is true, I would be happy to date anyone who at least worked, they wouldn't need to be university educated as long as we were still an intellectual match. I don't think you need a degree to be intelligent. I am also from a working class background myself so although I now have a more middle class lifestyle, job I wouldn't not date a guy because he had a traditionally working class job.

Its probably true for all women that the available men dwindle as we get older, the best probably marry earlier, the best of what is left can go younger and what left is slim pickings indeed.

@Crushed23 I get what you are saying and yes that probably does happen a lot too.

@Bobbotgegrinch

"And I haven't heard her sing in 13 years because I took the piss out of her singing voice one too many times in the early days of our relationship."

Despite all the tales of heartbreak and mourning, this has to be one of the saddest things I have read in MumsNet relationships.

Please, please tell her and apologise, and ask her to sing for you!

It is one of the things I feel most guilty about in my life.

I have apologised many times, but the damage is done. She does still sing, she sings in the car, and DD has told me she sings along to the radio if I'm not home, but if I'm around, no chance.

I wrote a long post on another thread today about two women that I cheated on when I was younger, but honestly, this is the thing I feel worse about, and there was just no need for it.

@MamaToABeautifulBoy Ugh that would give me the ick, only dated young beautiful women.. yuck.

Just his choice. A bit like only dating handsome/athletic men or financially well off men or men without children. People have to start somewhere with their selection.

Personally I wouldn’t have a problem if someone my age had only dated younger pretty girls before me as long as they weren’t too young 👀 eg. a string of 21 years olds when he was in his late 30.

I think it's just luck. I met my partner when I was 22 in a club and we've been together 11 years! He's such a loving partner but I could have easily just missed him! I believe in fate.

Low standards I guess.

@BigFatLiar Of course. Anyone can select who they like. And others can decide if those choices are a red flag.

Calm yourself down and read the post properly. I said younger not young.

And good looking men have enjoyed dating beautiful women for millennia. I only dated handsome men prior to getting married 🤷🏻‍♀️ nothing ‘ick’ about that. God I hate that juvenile expression 😂

@MamaToABeautifulBoy Ickity ickity ick 😘😂

😂

Slim pickings? Every other thread on here seems to be women considering leaving their lovely husbands because they want more sex/lust.

There must be loads of decent blokes knocking about.