Equal access to finances?

[FinancialQuestions]

Those of you who are married or live with a partner, do you have equal access to finances even if the partner is the higher earner?

We own our home jointly, DH works full time, I work part time (25 hours a week as school age children). He earns about 4 times my income. Our mortgage is pretty high as is our council tax due to working and living in an expensive part of the country. Utility bills also quite high due to home size and husband working from home etc. Food bills are crippling like everyone else at the moment. No childcare fees.

DH puts money away into savings each month for an emergency / rainy day etc usually between £500 and £1k. We both have individual accounts where wages go into and we are responsibly for certain bills each month.

However most months now I am struggling. More bills than money on my part. I need a new winter coat and some boots. Can't afford them this month. Couldn't even afford bus fair from town from helping at the food bank today as I'm about to go overdrawn so had to walk 45 mins in the pouring rain. To then find DH had ate the double portion of soup from the freezer that I got out this morning that was meant to do us both.

Starting to accumulate credit card debt as a result of not enough funds some months.

DH won't consider a joint account and both access it for what we need as "he earned that money and shouldn't have to bail me out if I'm financially irresponsible".

I get it, I could work more hours but then we would have to pay before and after school clubs and holiday clubs. Which would negate the extra money I earn working.

But surely I shouldn't have to walk 45 mins in the rain and wear boots and a coat that leaks and have to make do with a biscuit for lunch just because he thinks I'm irresponsible and doesn't want to help? He thinks all couples are like us and the one who earns more money has more spare cash?

I’m the higher earner and we work out what’s left after bill, agree an amount for joint savings (account is in my husbands name) and then split what’s left as personal spends.

I earn 2x husband and we both work full time.

Money all into joint pot, we always have. We discuss large purchases always. We both have a small set amount each month for non essentials but a winter coat, new boots would come out of the joint account. Dh never ever questions me about spending and nor do I him. All is transparent. The way you and your dh are managing money is deeply unfair on you and not acceptable.

My Husband earns about 50% more than me.
We have one account, both our wages go in to that and all bills come out of it.
We're married, makes sense that all finances are pooled together.

First off, he is being a financially abusive arse.

I think you need to turn the tables on him. Suggest to him that you are no longer able to subsidise a champagne lifestyle on lemonade wages. As such, as a family, you will need to consider moving house and area for a lifestyle appropriate to your wages.

In addition, you will need to build yourvown career, as it is no longer possible for you to support yourself and your children on your wages. That means wraparound childcare and 50/50 parenting, admin and household management.

Be bloody serious about it too. You really can't afford to subsidise an arse that earns 4 x more than you. He is not a team player is he!

You are being financially abused here. I would also think he abuses you in other ways too e.g emotionally.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I would also think he buys new clothes and shoes when needed. I would also think he goes to the dentist and or barbers quite a lot too, certainly more frequently than you due to cost. This behaviour too is often learnt from parental example.

He is not going to change and feels he is doing nothing wrong with regards to how he treats you and in turn your children. He regards his money as his and he does not want to share with you or the kids. I would seriously consider how to go about planning your exit from this marriage.

God that’s awful!

no it’s not normal. OH makes all the money and I spend it all. I have complete access to all accounts, shared credit cards and never ever have to explain myself. If anything he encourages me to spend it, or go and get my nails or hair done. I’m on mat leave at the moment too so bringing less in than normal.

He sounds horrible.

Women’s Aid are worth contacting here as are the Rights of Women (they can give some legal advice).

Your DH is an abusive twat. Of course you shouldn't be in this situation!

My DH earns roughly 4x as much as me. All money shared completely equally.

Thank you. I knew it was the case that he's being unacceptable. He will buy stuff for the kids that they need but it's just helping me out when I need things.

Im not talking about health care, luckily I budget for dentists and opticians etc and can afford those. But new clothes etc are a treat as are hair cuts.

It's so bloody hard. As soon as our youngest is at secondary school it will get easier as I will be able to work more hours but now it's not practical

This is financial abuse. All in to one pot, all out of that pot. Are you charging him for the childcare you're providing?

Your husband is an abusive cunt. Jesus fucking Christ. I've given more to random homeless people that I don't know or love than your husband gives to you.

Me and DP are married, house in joint name, mortgage paid off. No children.

We earn the same from our jobs. But DP earns extra from consultancy work which can sometimes add 200% to his salary. Everything gets paid into a joint current account. Everything comes out of the joint current account.

We have savings and investments in our own names but we pay into those from the joint account and we manage them jointly and ensure they're all kept equally topped up and managed - I mean the investments in DP's name aren't his to manage, they're just in name. Same with 'mine'. We both have full access to all savings, accounts and investments.

all goes into a joint account, we spend what we like, but are sensible, would talk about bigger things, when first married the unspoken threshold was about £40, now maybe £150.

He is financially abusing you.

If you divorced, you would be entitled to 50% of all marital assets i.e. all the savings. That’s how the law sees it. You are in a legal financial partnership.

How do you pay for family bills? Stop contributing 50%, if that’s what you’re doing.

Or threaten divorce.

DH won't consider a joint account and both access it for what we need as "he earned that money and shouldn't have to bail me out if I'm financially irresponsible".

He's an absolute bastard.

Who the fuck does he think supports him and facilitates him to get to work? I bet you do most of the childcare, the life admin, the housework?? Does he see these costs as nothing to do with him?

He's financially abusive. I'd find that a deal-breaker.

You need to go full time and make him pay for the childcare. Or LTB.

We have separate accounts and a joint account we both access, but we earn similar amounts.

Your husband is financially abusing you. He also ate your lunch. That’s awful.

Take a look at the left side of this wheel: https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Economic-abuse-wheel.pdf

No, your husband is financially abusive.

I get it, I could work more hours but then we would have to pay before and after school clubs and holiday clubs. Which would negate the extra money I earn working.

Let's put this in a different way - if you worked full time, then as a couple, you would have to pay for before/after school and holiday clubs. If he's going to be so bloody stingy with you, at the very least, you should be working out what that would cost and asking him to pony up his share and pay it to you.

NOTHING infuriates me more than men who seem to think that women doing childcare should a) cost them nothing and b) the women should be grateful.

What would it take to make it practical??

You can't continue to lose years of earning power and career progression. This is a matter of some urgency.

Are both your names on the deeds of the house?

What a despicable exploiter your HB is. Let him go part time to share the child care. Creep.

Yep I do the bulk of it as he works full time. I do long days, 2 x 10 hour days and a 5 hour day. As well as all the housework. And I meal prep at the weekend so I can then not be overwhelmed in the working week and so he doesn't have to cook in the evenings I'm at work.

It used to be a fairer split financially as we had less money and the bills were lower.

I used to work a lot less hours and we were entitled to benefits (tax credits and child benefit) but as his wages went up and so did mine we obviously and rightfully didn't get them any more. But I'm about £450 worse a month off now as a result what with losing the tax credits over the years yet the bills we each pay haven't changed if that makes sense.

I'm just going to add that I am the higher earner and Dh works part time so we have zero childcare costs. At one point, my parents did sort of suggest that perhaps he should be working more and contributing more to the household.

So I pointed out the likely cost of childcare to cover what he did with the children. They got it super quick after that!

Yes they are. We've owned property for about 13 years jointly though have moved several times during that time

Don’t forget you are also losing a full pension in your own name.

All money in a joint pot,with equal spending money to your own accounts, OR you contribute proportionally to money earned.

currently this is totally unfair and sounds like financial abuse, as others posters are saying.