Equal access to finances?

[FinancialQuestions]

Those of you who are married or live with a partner, do you have equal access to finances even if the partner is the higher earner?

We own our home jointly, DH works full time, I work part time (25 hours a week as school age children). He earns about 4 times my income. Our mortgage is pretty high as is our council tax due to working and living in an expensive part of the country. Utility bills also quite high due to home size and husband working from home etc. Food bills are crippling like everyone else at the moment. No childcare fees.

DH puts money away into savings each month for an emergency / rainy day etc usually between £500 and £1k. We both have individual accounts where wages go into and we are responsibly for certain bills each month.

However most months now I am struggling. More bills than money on my part. I need a new winter coat and some boots. Can't afford them this month. Couldn't even afford bus fair from town from helping at the food bank today as I'm about to go overdrawn so had to walk 45 mins in the pouring rain. To then find DH had ate the double portion of soup from the freezer that I got out this morning that was meant to do us both.

Starting to accumulate credit card debt as a result of not enough funds some months.

DH won't consider a joint account and both access it for what we need as "he earned that money and shouldn't have to bail me out if I'm financially irresponsible".

I get it, I could work more hours but then we would have to pay before and after school clubs and holiday clubs. Which would negate the extra money I earn working.

But surely I shouldn't have to walk 45 mins in the rain and wear boots and a coat that leaks and have to make do with a biscuit for lunch just because he thinks I'm irresponsible and doesn't want to help? He thinks all couples are like us and the one who earns more money has more spare cash?

Its insane, why are you accepting this? I cant imagine my husband even thinking that! One shared account, 2 debit cards and whats left after bills is ours to spend as we wish, equally. He earns 5x what I do.

Tell him it's his turn to work part time, you'll go full time.

It’s abuse. Get out of there. This is no way to live.

So you’re basically housemates, sharing a mortgage and kids?

He can share his money with you now, or he can share it with you after you get divorced. His choice.

If I need something that I don’t have money for I ask my husband, he would be upset if I went into debt rather than ask. I have a credit card that is paid in full monthly for just such emergencies.

My shorter working hours mean he doesn’t have to shorten his hours so I enable him to work and earn the money he does for our family.

We know it’s a partnership with everyone’s job being just as terrible and hard as the others, in the home or out 😁

You do realise that you would be financially better off if you divorced?

He would need to pay you CMS or if you went 50:50 he would need to pay for any child care etc whilst he worked? You are entitled to a share in his pension, the savings and a proportion of your home.

He is purposely making your life hard, yet you make his life easy.

This is financial abuse and coercive control.

Speak to WA (women’s aid)

DH and I have shared finances, always have had, even when he earned an awful lot more than me. I have always earned my own money and I never expected him to pay for me, but his generosity of spirit was and is, to me, a very attractive thing about him. We earn the same now. I manage all our money and, while he obviously knows what we earn, he honestly has no idea what we’ve got where (there is a file left for him in case I drop dead!) He would never question what I spend, because he knows I wouldn’t spend what we don’t have and I would never have to “ask him” for money, nor he me.
PPs are quite right op, your “d”h can either share “his” money more fairly now, or he can pay it after you divorce him. It’s time for you to take a stand, his behaviour is abusive and in no way fair or equal. He knows that, but he’s relying on you standing for the status quo. Don’t.

He is a financially abusive prick.

You know you can leave him and be better off right?

DH earns 10x what I do. Everything we both earn goes into the joint account. We then agree an amount each month to put into savings and then take an equal amount of spending money into our own accounts to do with as we please. The savings are actually in my name but we are married so they belong to both of us. DH could never see me go without while he had plenty and any man who can is not worthy of you.

Me and DH started a joint account when I was pregnant with our first DC who is 9 years old now.

Both our monthly take-home pays were automatically paid into the joint account. I would have £400 transferred into my personal account, he would have £400 sent to his personal account and absolutely all bills and any household/child related costs would come out the joint account.

My husband has always earned more money than me but our system has never changed.

Up until 3 months ago he bought home over double what I did but the system stayed the same and he never said or felt that he thought he should have more than £400 (ergo more than me) just because he earns more.

Three months ago I resigned from work due to Heath issues I am currently going through and so I am bringing no money into the household, yet our system remains the same and will continue to do.

He says we are a team and that the money he earns is ‘our money’ and he would never expect me to have less personal money than me.

I’m currently re-training to do a different role but the likelihood is that I won’t be earning any money for at least another year but he’s happy to support me through that.

I have full access to our joint account and I will just buy anything we need using the money from that account (household related or child related).