Equal access to finances?

[FinancialQuestions]

Those of you who are married or live with a partner, do you have equal access to finances even if the partner is the higher earner?

We own our home jointly, DH works full time, I work part time (25 hours a week as school age children). He earns about 4 times my income. Our mortgage is pretty high as is our council tax due to working and living in an expensive part of the country. Utility bills also quite high due to home size and husband working from home etc. Food bills are crippling like everyone else at the moment. No childcare fees.

DH puts money away into savings each month for an emergency / rainy day etc usually between £500 and £1k. We both have individual accounts where wages go into and we are responsibly for certain bills each month.

However most months now I am struggling. More bills than money on my part. I need a new winter coat and some boots. Can't afford them this month. Couldn't even afford bus fair from town from helping at the food bank today as I'm about to go overdrawn so had to walk 45 mins in the pouring rain. To then find DH had ate the double portion of soup from the freezer that I got out this morning that was meant to do us both.

Starting to accumulate credit card debt as a result of not enough funds some months.

DH won't consider a joint account and both access it for what we need as "he earned that money and shouldn't have to bail me out if I'm financially irresponsible".

I get it, I could work more hours but then we would have to pay before and after school clubs and holiday clubs. Which would negate the extra money I earn working.

But surely I shouldn't have to walk 45 mins in the rain and wear boots and a coat that leaks and have to make do with a biscuit for lunch just because he thinks I'm irresponsible and doesn't want to help? He thinks all couples are like us and the one who earns more money has more spare cash?

@FinancialQuestions I hate to tell you this, but you need to be downright sneaky right now. the behaviour your partner has demonstrated is downright abusive, he is unlikely to change. if you want to give him the benefit of doubt, fine. but first, get your ducks in a row and be quiet about it. because he can try to hide his money if he knows you are onto him

1. find out exactly what assets/earnings he has
2. compile a list of all outgoings and incomings, keep it somewhere he doesn't have access to
3. see a solicitor re potential divorce (many do free 30 minute cobsults)
4. get a full time job and arrange childcare

After this: sit him down and explain everything you said here. he needs to understand that he has benefitted from you staying at home and going forward everything will be proportionally split. I.e. if he earns twice as much as you, then you pay 1/3 of bills, he pays 2/3rds etc. you will earn less than him while you catch up from the time you've taken off due to maternity etc.

let him know his options are he agrees with your plan or divorce. then he will lose half of what he has + pay through his nose for children maintenance + do his own fucking chores. you are not his maid.

grit your teeth. Steel your spine and dont let this twat take you for a mug.

Yes, this. Childcare should be a joint cost. So either go back to work and split the increased cost of childcare with your H (which has added benefit of additional pension contributions and, potentially, career progression for you)

OR start giving him a bill for his share of the childcare costs that you do. You could charge this out at either half the cost it would be if you used childcare OR half the cost of whatever you would earn if you were not doing childcare.

Consider adding the his share of the cost of household tasks, cleaning and admin to the bill.

I’m in a very similar situation - partner earns far, far more than me. I am currently £1k overdrawn and have £9k on a 0% balance transfer card that I have no idea how to pay off. He’s talking about five star holidays (not sure how he thinks I’m going to pay for this as he is aware of my financial circumstances and he wouldn’t pay for me), and about buying another expensive watch. After yet another argument (and 11 years of this) I’m finally ready to leave. I’ve realised it’s financial abuse (and, in my case, it goes hand in hand with emotional abuse). It’s not okay. I am now in a position where I’m emotionally ready to leave but have no financial freedom to do so because I’ve been paying over the odds for a lifestyle I can’t afford as while he pays the mortgage he expects me to go halves in everything else he wants to do.

I’m the higher earner but all our money goes into one account and it is both of ours to spend (within reason obviously). Big purchases we’d discuss but the odd lunch out with friends or clothing we just get if we need it etc.

I think if one partner earns more they could actually spend more disposable income on themselves. Lets say the husband is the greater earner and he chooses a sporty car or an expensive watch, i think thats ok. I dont think the partner should necessarily be given a match amount of money, however.....if one person is putting away savings and the other person is walking around in holey shoes and can't afford to eat...that's a whole different ball game. I'd also be deeply offended at someone suggesting I was being irresponsible with my money. There's a middle ground and this definitely isn't it.

My dh has always been very very reluctant to have a joint pot, originally we earnt about the same as each other but nope wouldn’t agree it, then I earnt less so raised it again as was struggling but again a nope! Now had a good few years where I earn significantly more than him and whilst I pay for a lot more things I have in return been quite deliberate at not suggesting we share an account, but now it is making sense again (as I’ve always thought but he’s disagreed), so it comes up again and funnily enough now he’s more than happy to do it!!!

What I would say is there are many ways the finances can be split, many are reasonable, despite what many on here think there is no perfect solution but absolutely one person should not be struggling when the other is not

"He earned that money" because you subsidised him by sacrificing your own earning power looking after HIS children.

I am early 70s and I despair of posts like this. I can’t believe men treat women so badly. Are things going backwards? A woman who does the bulk of the household chores and childcare is denied equal access to money in a relationship. The man is a b***d. How is this fair?
We have always shared finances since the day we were married. After taking out time to look after children my wages were considerably less but this did not make any difference.

As pointed put this is financial abuse.

I earn roughly double my DH but we have a joint account for all bills and food costs. We work out how much is needed then each put a ratio of that in. So I put in roughly 65% of the cost he puts 35%
We are then each left per month with the same percentage of salary money to do with as we please. I save more then he does we each have savings accounts and joint one for interest rates etc.

This set up maybe best for you guys but either way your current set up needs to stop!

His time earning more than you at work is not more valuable than your time supporting the household with chores and childcare.

If I was you I would immediately start putting all of your income into your pension - you can bet he has a good one going.

Stop paying for anything and insist that he has to pay it all or you divorce.

Joint finances work for most, for others separate finances can work, but only if you are both acting as a team and support each other.

What would happen if you were in an accident and could no longer work for the rest of your life? I suspect he would divorce you as you would no longer be productive for him.

In our family, there has been times when I was the only earner and paid for everything. There have been other times when my other half stepped up when I couldn’t. It doesn’t sound like you are a couple in his eyes.

He is stealing from you. There is no quibbling. You are working part-time so you can take care of the children and he is free to work and earn without paying for child care.

my husband has leapfrogged me in earnings. When he gets a pay raise or a bonus, so do I. That is how a partnership works, especially when you have children.

I can't find who asked about childcare now but to answer that one.

We no longer pay childcare as both kids are school age. But when we did have those bills I paid them out of the child benefit and tax credits until we got the free hours. Eldest DC is secondary school age so does their own thing in the holidays and youngest stays at home with my husband who works from home. He's said if I worked full time though he wouldn't be able to have her full time in the holidays as he can't work as well.

It's crazy how expensive the breakfast club, after school club and holiday clubs would be.

Everything is shared. I'm a SAHM but we have a joint account, a joint savings account, our own individual accounts which some frivolous money is put into each week for our own stuff. I have access to all the accounts,

This is how I'm almost 17k in debt, borrowing from.one to pay another credit card over years because we pay 50/50 of everything and I do everything and he earns about 5x what i do. Second marriage, I had no assets and he has many soni was trying to prove something,my own fault for not saying 'hang on a minute' years ago. You know your situation is unfair right?

Wow! What a prat.

Very similar situation here, me part time and DH earns 8 times my salary. Everything is joint and I can access all funds.

He would absolutely not leave me to walk home in the rain while he was sitting on savings. We both have access to the same spending money each month etc.

I agree with other posters about telling him you need to work full time and he will have to subsidise childcare etc.

DH and I have completely joint finances. But if we didn't, I'd be damned if money denominated as 'emergency/rainy day' savings, money that is supposedly being set aside for 'family needs', was put into an account that didn't have my name on it too, no matter who put the money in.

I'd suggest you sit down and total up your incomings/outgoings. Then figure out what your incomings would be if you went full time to be sure you'd meet your expenses (he doesn't need to know this figure if you don't want to tell him). Then figure what the extra childcare would be and add it to any childcare currently.

Then tell him; "This is what I currently earn, this is what my expenses are. As you can see I'm not making ends meet. So I have decided to go full time. Our total childcare bill will be XXX of which you will pay half. We will also need to decide how the housework/child duties will be handled because you'll have to do half of those, too".

Echoing other posters, this is financial abuse. There is a website called Surviving Economic Abuse which may be useful for more information and resources.

Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership of two people who love, respect and support one another. Not only is he denying you equal access to money, he is also exploiting your labour for his own benefit.

You deserve to be treated with respect, to have the things you need and to have fair and equal access to the resources of the marriage. I have been where you are and I really feel for you, it’s time to get tough and advocate for what you need and deserve.

Add up all the joint outgoing divide by 5. You pay 1/5 he pays 4/5. Agree an amount each to save each month say you £100 him £400. Open a joint savings account.

Point out the reason he has been able to focus on his career and earn more is because you have done the childcare , managed the house and the mental load. For free apparently. Tell him it stops here and if he doesn't like it he can fuck off.

I suspect you would be better off financially with out him

But they would not cost you more than you earn because of you split bills, he needs to pay the child care bill proportionate to income. you will still make a profit.

he also needs to do half the pickups and drop offs because shifting those to one parent only works in a shared finances family.

It's crazy how expensive the breakfast club, after school club and holiday clubs would be.

So tell him to pay you half of what it would cost. Or go back to work and make him pay half.

Brilliant. He works from home. Literally just go back to work full time then and leave him to sort out the childcare. Tell him you will pay him back. Then don't.

The bottom line is that whatever measures the OP takes to make the financial split more equitable, her husband already has demonstrated that he doesn't give a shit about her, her financial security, her future or her peace of mind.

That's a pretty dead relationship, unfortunately.

I currently work part time and my husband currently earns 4x my salary. In the past, I have out earned him.

We have always shared our money, it is just one pot. We lived overseas for five years at one point and opened a joint bank account that both salaries went into and we both had full access to.

We are back in the UK now and have separate bank accounts, but that is just a historical thing, we freely move money between the two of us. At the moment, I tend to put most of my spending on one credit card and then DH pays both our cards off each month and would not dream of questioning anything. My own salary primarily goes into savings although a couple of bills come out of my account, like insurance, TV licence and car costs. We have paid off the mortgage and DH pays council tax and utilities.

There is absolutely no way DH would ever have me walk in the rain because I haven't got bus fare or go without a coat.

We have a joint account for bills and pay a proportion of our wages into that. I pay in more because I earn more. Everything else is separate. Id never agree to wages going into a joint account.
I don’t get the argument that the only reason a man earns well is because of his spouses sacrifices. Why do some women feel the need to take the credit for their spouses success at work?
Yes, a woman / mother may reduce her hours to part time whilst children are young but surely that is because she is very happy to do so? I hate that women are portrayed as a victim of circumstance rather than as independent people, in control of their own decisions.
It is a choice to have children, to then put your career on the back burner and work less hours whilst your children are young. Women need to own that choice and not martyr themselves. Having said that, If my dp was struggling to afford things, as op has described id increase my contribution to the joint account and tell him to lower his. It’s not right for one person in a relationship to be struggling to pay for the basics whilst the other is saving hundreds a month.

This.