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Original poster

Equal access to finances?

136 replies

FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 13:30

Those of you who are married or live with a partner, do you have equal access to finances even if the partner is the higher earner?

We own our home jointly, DH works full time, I work part time (25 hours a week as school age children). He earns about 4 times my income. Our mortgage is pretty high as is our council tax due to working and living in an expensive part of the country. Utility bills also quite high due to home size and husband working from home etc. Food bills are crippling like everyone else at the moment. No childcare fees.

DH puts money away into savings each month for an emergency / rainy day etc usually between £500 and £1k. We both have individual accounts where wages go into and we are responsibly for certain bills each month.

However most months now I am struggling. More bills than money on my part. I need a new winter coat and some boots. Can't afford them this month. Couldn't even afford bus fair from town from helping at the food bank today as I'm about to go overdrawn so had to walk 45 mins in the pouring rain. To then find DH had ate the double portion of soup from the freezer that I got out this morning that was meant to do us both.

Starting to accumulate credit card debt as a result of not enough funds some months.

DH won't consider a joint account and both access it for what we need as "he earned that money and shouldn't have to bail me out if I'm financially irresponsible".

I get it, I could work more hours but then we would have to pay before and after school clubs and holiday clubs. Which would negate the extra money I earn working.

But surely I shouldn't have to walk 45 mins in the rain and wear boots and a coat that leaks and have to make do with a biscuit for lunch just because he thinks I'm irresponsible and doesn't want to help? He thinks all couples are like us and the one who earns more money has more spare cash?

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 20/09/2023 14:11

This is awful OP. I work 2 days a week, nmw. Dh works full time, 6 figures. I keep my salary, dh pays the mortgage, puts spending money in both our personal current accounts, then he puts money in our joint account for all the bills, then the rest in a joint savings account. Your dh is abusive. I'd leave him, but if that's not for you, at least do as @Velvian suggested.

GingerIsBest · 20/09/2023 14:12

I used to work a lot less hours and we were entitled to benefits (tax credits and child benefit) but as his wages went up and so did mine we obviously and rightfully didn't get them any more. But I'm about £450 worse a month off now as a result what with losing the tax credits over the years yet the bills we each pay haven't changed if that makes sense.

I assume that you were getting the child benefit and tax credits? So actually, YOUR income has not gone up but rather gone down. His has gone up.

Sorry OP, I think I hate him.

NoSquirrels · 20/09/2023 14:12

But I'm about £450 worse a month off now as a result what with losing the tax credits over the years yet the bills we each pay haven't changed if that makes sense.

Have you made this specific point to him?
Can you transfer any bills to him?

donkra · 20/09/2023 14:14

OP, would you leave someone you loved, someone you had agreed to share a life with, struggling? Unable to afford the clothes they needed to stay warm? Unable to afford bus fare even? Unable to afford basic personal care like haircuts?

Voraxaraptor · 20/09/2023 14:17

Even when I was working full time in a good job, my higher earner DH gave me a supplementary card for all expensive purchases and big shops so I’d never struggle. We were in London so my ‘good’ salary didn’t go hugely far. He’d frequently treat me to a new coat or good leather shoes when we were shopping together if he saw me double checking prices and opting for something lower quality/cheaper.

Not all men are in a position to do that- but the thought of me struggling or compromising on a lower quality item wasn’t a nice thought for him. it should be a proportional split for everything at minimum, absolutely not an unfair 50/50

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 20/09/2023 14:17

You should both have the same amount of spending money and the same amount of leisure time, whether you work FT or PT.

My h earns a lot more than I do and everything is in a joint account. He funded my pension when I was on maternity leave, and ensures that investments are in my name too - because he realised that I was taking a career break so that he could carry on working, and he didn't want me to be financially disadvantaged. That's what a real husband and partner should do.

Why does your h think that you should pay all childcare costs? Are they not his dc? I don't understand his mindset.

You could try telling him how much he'd have to spend on wraparound care, childcare, cleaning, etc if you didn't do any of it, but is he too much of a selfish sexist pig to listen? Probably.

It's just plain wrong that he's saving £500-1k each month in his name and you have no boots or bus fare. You are supposed to be a team. Remind him of those marriage vows - or divorce him and claim 50% of his assets.

NorthCliffs · 20/09/2023 14:17

When you say 'we' would have to pay for childcare if you went full time, I hear 'I' would have to pay for it out of my wages. You know this situation isn't right. If he won't acknowledge it then you're not in a partnership, let alone a loving relationship. You have my permission to LTB.

Potentialscroogeincognito · 20/09/2023 14:17

Financial abuse as other posters have said.

I would be telling him he needs to change his hours asap to allow you your turn to work full time/ equal to him and split all childcare and all household tasks including the life admin. Make a massive list a d sit down and allocate. I would also be suggesting that he needs to back pay you for all the free labour you have given to him over the past however many years in childcare/ unequal division of chores etc if this is how he feels about it and tell him you want this up front before moving forward.

And I would also be telling him what an absolute selfish prick he was and that if things didn’t change with immediate effect you would be letting everyone else know what an abusive fucker he was also along with divorce proceedings. You would probably be better off tbf.

Just remember, your budgeting for prescriptions and an opticians appointment and he’s actually saving money.

nappiesandcontracts · 20/09/2023 14:18

DH won't consider a joint account and both access it for what we need as "he earned that money and shouldn't have to bail me out if I'm financially irresponsible".

I don't get this viewpoint at all. Firstly, you're married - at which point all assets are merged. Secondly, part of the reason he's able to earn so much more than you is because you're picking up the slack with childcare, housework etc. Is he wilfully blind or just selfish?

He's treating you like a flat mate rather than a spouse. If he refuses to share everything you need to start splitting the childcare and housework 50/50.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 20/09/2023 14:18

But I'm about £450 worse a month off now as a result what with losing the tax credits over the years yet the bills we each pay haven't changed if that makes sense.

Have you pointed this out to him?

Original poster
FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 14:23

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 20/09/2023 14:17

You should both have the same amount of spending money and the same amount of leisure time, whether you work FT or PT.

My h earns a lot more than I do and everything is in a joint account. He funded my pension when I was on maternity leave, and ensures that investments are in my name too - because he realised that I was taking a career break so that he could carry on working, and he didn't want me to be financially disadvantaged. That's what a real husband and partner should do.

Why does your h think that you should pay all childcare costs? Are they not his dc? I don't understand his mindset.

You could try telling him how much he'd have to spend on wraparound care, childcare, cleaning, etc if you didn't do any of it, but is he too much of a selfish sexist pig to listen? Probably.

It's just plain wrong that he's saving £500-1k each month in his name and you have no boots or bus fare. You are supposed to be a team. Remind him of those marriage vows - or divorce him and claim 50% of his assets.

Both his DC. It was never like this before children though our first was born not long after university.

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 20/09/2023 14:23

These posts are so sad. How did it reach this point and how can he watch you struggle? Does this make you feel loved? It would make me feel very unloved.

Go full time regardless. You need the financial freedom to leave when you eventually realise how exploited you are. Go 50:50 on cooking cleaning and housework as well as childcare

If he won't, then leave him.

HerMammy · 20/09/2023 14:23

I'll hazard a guess that you have no access to the savings?

Original poster
FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 14:25

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 20/09/2023 14:18

But I'm about £450 worse a month off now as a result what with losing the tax credits over the years yet the bills we each pay haven't changed if that makes sense.

Have you pointed this out to him?

Yes he is aware. Apparently I should budget more and that £800 month should be enough for my share of bills. Food, gas and electric, mobile phone (mine and eldest DC) home insurance, internet, tv license, kids swimming and pet insurance

OP posts:
Original poster
FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 14:26

PosterBoy · 20/09/2023 14:23

These posts are so sad. How did it reach this point and how can he watch you struggle? Does this make you feel loved? It would make me feel very unloved.

Go full time regardless. You need the financial freedom to leave when you eventually realise how exploited you are. Go 50:50 on cooking cleaning and housework as well as childcare

If he won't, then leave him.

I don't know. I never thought it would get like this

OP posts:
SpaceRaiders · 20/09/2023 14:26

Unless there’s something you’re not mentioning here, the implication that you’re profligate with your spending when you earn vastly differing amounts which then leads to spends on credit and or you going without is financial abuse.

These kinds of habits are almost impossible to reverse once set in. Your only options are to work full time with the costs of childcare being covered by you both. Or LTB!

Original poster
FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 14:26

HerMammy · 20/09/2023 14:23

I'll hazard a guess that you have no access to the savings?

All in his name. We have no joint accounts, only joint thing is our mortgage

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 20/09/2023 14:27

We don't have his and her money we have our money.

Joint accounts- current and savings. Joint access.

I'm the higher earner.

IMO in a family you pool and share resources.

Original poster
FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 14:28

SpaceRaiders · 20/09/2023 14:26

Unless there’s something you’re not mentioning here, the implication that you’re profligate with your spending when you earn vastly differing amounts which then leads to spends on credit and or you going without is financial abuse.

These kinds of habits are almost impossible to reverse once set in. Your only options are to work full time with the costs of childcare being covered by you both. Or LTB!

Edited

Nothing significant. Built up some credit card debt on maternity leave with youngest (around 1.5k) but soon cleared that once back to work.

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 20/09/2023 14:28

To add your DH is a horrible piece of work.

PinkRoses1245 · 20/09/2023 14:29

We have a joint account for mortgage, bills, petrol, food etc and contribute to this relative to our take home pay, plus some into savings. Everything else is ours to chose what to do with. I'd serious consider going full time so you get the benefit of a full pension and a higher income. That is a ridiculous situation that you can't afford things like new clothes when there is plenty of family money.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 20/09/2023 14:30

Op do you pay bills proportionate to income? If not it is time to tell him you are reducing your share to make it fair.

Or you point out a few higher paid/longer hours jobs that you fancy applying for. Then the wraparound care you've costed & the drop off/pick ups that he will have to do. Plus divvying up the general household chores. All put in front of him in black & white. The extra costs will not be paid for just by you. They will be proportionate.

You are being financially careful. You deserve a decent winter coat, shoes that don't leak & a hair cut when you want one.

Best of luck @FinancialQuestions .

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 20/09/2023 14:31

Yes he is aware. Apparently I should budget more and that £800 month should be enough for my share of bills. Food, gas and electric, mobile phone (mine and eldest DC) home insurance, internet, tv license, kids swimming and pet insurance

Have you made a list of all these items and how much they cost, to show him how much is left over? Ask him outright: 'how can I budget better? Where can I save money? Do you think it's fair for me to be in my overdraft each month when you are saving this much? Don't you think it would be fairer if we paid proportionately towards bills?'

He's treating you as if he doesn't even like you, let alone love you.

Original poster
FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 14:32

CoffeeBeansGalore · 20/09/2023 14:30

Op do you pay bills proportionate to income? If not it is time to tell him you are reducing your share to make it fair.

Or you point out a few higher paid/longer hours jobs that you fancy applying for. Then the wraparound care you've costed & the drop off/pick ups that he will have to do. Plus divvying up the general household chores. All put in front of him in black & white. The extra costs will not be paid for just by you. They will be proportionate.

You are being financially careful. You deserve a decent winter coat, shoes that don't leak & a hair cut when you want one.

Best of luck @FinancialQuestions .

We used to when he earned less and we got tax credits. But no longer which is why we are in this situation. Bills are much higher, he earns much more now and I no longer get the £450 tax credit and benefit so this is how I got into this situation

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 20/09/2023 14:33

Are you actually married btw?