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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Equal access to finances?

136 replies

FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 13:30

Those of you who are married or live with a partner, do you have equal access to finances even if the partner is the higher earner?

We own our home jointly, DH works full time, I work part time (25 hours a week as school age children). He earns about 4 times my income. Our mortgage is pretty high as is our council tax due to working and living in an expensive part of the country. Utility bills also quite high due to home size and husband working from home etc. Food bills are crippling like everyone else at the moment. No childcare fees.

DH puts money away into savings each month for an emergency / rainy day etc usually between £500 and £1k. We both have individual accounts where wages go into and we are responsibly for certain bills each month.

However most months now I am struggling. More bills than money on my part. I need a new winter coat and some boots. Can't afford them this month. Couldn't even afford bus fair from town from helping at the food bank today as I'm about to go overdrawn so had to walk 45 mins in the pouring rain. To then find DH had ate the double portion of soup from the freezer that I got out this morning that was meant to do us both.

Starting to accumulate credit card debt as a result of not enough funds some months.

DH won't consider a joint account and both access it for what we need as "he earned that money and shouldn't have to bail me out if I'm financially irresponsible".

I get it, I could work more hours but then we would have to pay before and after school clubs and holiday clubs. Which would negate the extra money I earn working.

But surely I shouldn't have to walk 45 mins in the rain and wear boots and a coat that leaks and have to make do with a biscuit for lunch just because he thinks I'm irresponsible and doesn't want to help? He thinks all couples are like us and the one who earns more money has more spare cash?

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 20/09/2023 17:38

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/09/2023 16:45

The bottom line is that whatever measures the OP takes to make the financial split more equitable, her husband already has demonstrated that he doesn't give a shit about her, her financial security, her future or her peace of mind.

That's a pretty dead relationship, unfortunately.

If she can't afford a bus ticket or news shoes she can't afford to be a SAHM, end off. basically she's depriving herself from the basics while living with a financial abuser so her kids can attend clubs, and she's in a very vulnerable situation (financially speaking) doing free nanny work while her husband squirrels away the money. She should be giving his husband an invoice for nanny services. The only way of being a SAHM is if your partner financially properly supports you, otherwise it's unsustainable (which is what's happening here).

midgemadgemodge · 20/09/2023 17:39

Start charging him for childcare and all the other day to day stuff you do

Married
We share everything although would always discuss with each other anything more than about £10

RudsyFarmer · 20/09/2023 17:46

So what happens if you tell him you can’t go on anymore? What does that argument look like when you say you don’t earn enough money to cover your own bills and are falling into debt?

I think the answers to that will be telling. Are you frightened to say it? Ashamed to say it? Already said it but got met with a no? This arrangement doesn’t work for you anymore. Cant go on like it, let’s worm out a new solution. If its you going back to work full time then you need to discuss childcare costs and how they will be covered.

Thisismynewusername1 · 20/09/2023 17:46

Work more hours.

he can pay the wraparound care. Why is it calculated only on your salary if it’s worth you working? It’s his cost too.

have you done the sums re. Your pension? How much worse are you off there? Nobody ever factors that or the long term consequences of a career break when they say “it’s not worth me working”.

RudsyFarmer · 20/09/2023 17:50

To add; DP and I had to have a conversation when I was about to go on maternity leave. He hadn’t given any consideration to money and how I was going to cover all the sundry expenses that occur from petrol to ice creams, dentists to hair cuts.

It was a difficult conversation but he immediately put me on his two credit cards and we’ve continued without issue for twelve years now. Still have separate accounts and both have savings

Original poster
FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 18:37

@beatrix1234 I've already stated to you that I'm not a sahm, I work part time. That's twice on this thread you've either said that I need to get a job or that I'm vulnerable as a sahm

OP posts:
Original poster
FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 18:41

Thisismynewusername1 · 20/09/2023 17:46

Work more hours.

he can pay the wraparound care. Why is it calculated only on your salary if it’s worth you working? It’s his cost too.

have you done the sums re. Your pension? How much worse are you off there? Nobody ever factors that or the long term consequences of a career break when they say “it’s not worth me working”.

I'm ashamed to admit it but never thought about pension. I assumed that we would live on his private pension and his state pension. His private one pretty decent due to the scheme he is on.

Ill have an nhs pension from my job and I'll also qualify for state pension too (already checked and I've made full contributions each year since 18).

It was always the plan to go full time when the youngest is at secondary school. But I have visions of me being full time and still doing all the day to day shite at home too

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 20/09/2023 18:42

He’s abusive but you working extra hours won’t mean all the childcare comes out of your pocket, it’s a shared cost and so surely you’ll be better off if you work more hours. Either way his behaviour is unacceptable but you’re far from alone with a partner like this

Original poster
FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 18:44

Zanatdy · 20/09/2023 18:42

He’s abusive but you working extra hours won’t mean all the childcare comes out of your pocket, it’s a shared cost and so surely you’ll be better off if you work more hours. Either way his behaviour is unacceptable but you’re far from alone with a partner like this

Sadly I already know it would come out of my pocket alone, it did when we had to pay it when the kids were babies, I paid the full amounts out of my account. Granted I had the tax credits but it didn't cover the full amount.

So I wouldn't expect it to be any different this time around

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/09/2023 18:52

FinancialQuestions · 20/09/2023 18:44

Sadly I already know it would come out of my pocket alone, it did when we had to pay it when the kids were babies, I paid the full amounts out of my account. Granted I had the tax credits but it didn't cover the full amount.

So I wouldn't expect it to be any different this time around

Show quote history

But you said it’s your DH who would need the childcare - so he’d have to arrange it and pay for it.

I’d tell him you’ve been thinking and he’s right, you’ve reviewed your finances and you realise you need to earn more money, so you can put some savings by like him, so you’re going to increase your hours at work. Tell him he’ll need to sort out the school run drops offs and pick ups etc.

Then wait for him to figure it out.

Prelapsarianhag · 20/09/2023 20:04

What a cunt of a man he is. Financial abuse is a crime - you should call Women's Aid for some advice.

OtheHalf · 20/09/2023 20:10

Seems unreasonable to me, but doesn't mean in other situations 50/50 split on bills wouldn't work.
For example if someone flatly refused to work extra and did little parenting or contributing to family chores and was PT partner may feel their slogging their guts off.
Similarly if both earn enough to live comfortably on a 50/50 split of bills then it may not be necessary to pool finances. That also allows one half to potentially work OT and save for a special purchase.

Tired6789 · 20/09/2023 20:59

This is so wrong! It is totally unacceptable that he is doing this to you ...and that he let you get into debt while you were on mat leave is so unfair. I hope something changes fast.

anythinginapinch · 20/09/2023 21:19

Good grief OP. Find your anger! You have been, are being, and will continue to be, the victim of a selfish financially abusive arsewipe. Working more hours, saving bits here and there, are absolutely irrelevant to what's actually going on in your marriage. You are being utterly screwed over by your husband.

maclen · 20/09/2023 22:46

Why do you work part time?... Was this an agreement when you had the kids and if so I assume he said he would subsidies you working part time so can't complain now he should be paying more?...

However if he does earn more why can't you work full time and have your own money and split any child care costs ect?

Naunet · 21/09/2023 08:10

Why are you with this selfish prick? Leave him and take everything you’re legally entitled to, he doesn’t love you, and your children are being taught how women are second class.

Lolapusht · 21/09/2023 10:03

Men like this really need to sort their shit out.

It is COMPLETELY unacceptable to treat your wife and family like this.

It’s all very well to say “work more hours” or “childcare is a 50:50 expense” or “tell him to do more housework” but he’s just not going to do any of that because he’s so thoroughly selfish.

Men who have so little consideration for their wives/partners are totally unsuitable relationship material. They are sub-standard and don’t deserve to have someone at home to make sure everything is taken care of. Why should women work themselves to exhaustion taking care of the house and kids all while working in order to contribute their “fair share”? Men who don’t value non-financial family contributions are incompetent partners. I know MN is great for being financially independent and always being able to support yourself, but that isn’t possible if you have a useless DH/P who goes to work, occasionally puts the bin out and begrudgingly drives them to swimming one week then announces he does his share.

These men seem to have this idea that being a functioning member of a family means earning money and that’s it. They have no idea of much work having a family involves and it’s utter bullshit. They could find out if they cared, but they don’t because they are fundamentally selfish and I’ll-suited to be a husband and dad.

To the PP who is £17k in debt, PLEASE stop! Don’t get into more debt for someone who just doesn’t care. He is prioritising himself and I don’t think you’re ever going to move up his list. It’s not you, it’s him. It’s just useless at being in a relationship.

Life shouldn’t be this difficult. If that difficulty is being caused by the person you’ve chosen to spend your one life with then that person is severely letting you down.

PlanofAction842196 · 21/09/2023 15:35

Go back to work full time

Everyone has to claim the state pension in their own name. So you need enough National Insurance contributions in your name.

You need to pay into your own private pension too.

You need to share the cost of child care together

PlanofAction842196 · 21/09/2023 15:37

He should be treating you as an equal always

Original poster
FinancialQuestions · 21/09/2023 16:06

PlanofAction842196 · 21/09/2023 15:35

Go back to work full time

Everyone has to claim the state pension in their own name. So you need enough National Insurance contributions in your name.

You need to pay into your own private pension too.

You need to share the cost of child care together

I'm already claiming state pension credits, in full, in my name and have done since I was 22. Also have a private work pension too through the NHS so it's pretty reasonable

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/09/2023 16:21

@FinancialQuestions

But I have visions of me being full time and still doing all the day to day shite at home too

Sadly I already know it would come out of my pocket alone, it did when we had to pay it when the kids were babies.......So I wouldn't expect it to be any different this time around

Do you not see how financially abusive this is? As long as he is happy and stashing the cash he doesn't give a fuck about you, your finances, financial future, OR YOUR HAPPINESS. You need to let that really sink in. He. Doesn't. Care.

DH and I both worked full time. But he was out of work for about 2 years due to a work injury. We had shared finances, but if we hadn't do you think I would have let him 'do without' during that time? Like hell I would!! Because I LOVE the man and we are equal partners in our marriage.

I've already stated to you that I'm not a sahm, I work part time. That's twice on this thread you've either said that I need to get a job or that I'm vulnerable as a sahm

This was your response to a PP. She may have used the wrong words, but her meaning is right on. You are just as vulnerable as any SAHM. Why? Because you do not earn enough to support yourself AND because you are married to a financial abuser. And it's not just financial. He is an emotional abuser because he is happy to see you demoralized, unhappy, and frightened. If he wasn't an emotional and financial abuser, he would take steps ON HIS OWN to see that you felt secure in the family finances.

PlanofAction842196 · 21/09/2023 17:05

Volunteering at the food bank is a noble cause

But not if it is causing yourself hardship !

Spent the time doing paid work instead & donate some money via "give as you earn, that donates the tax too". Or donate to the food bank in a few years time, when you are in a better financial position.

I think that you need to have a conversation with your DH & tell him that you are going to work more hours & what extra chores he can do to help around the home. If he days he won't change, then you have your answer about the relationship.