Equal access to finances?

[FinancialQuestions]

Those of you who are married or live with a partner, do you have equal access to finances even if the partner is the higher earner?

We own our home jointly, DH works full time, I work part time (25 hours a week as school age children). He earns about 4 times my income. Our mortgage is pretty high as is our council tax due to working and living in an expensive part of the country. Utility bills also quite high due to home size and husband working from home etc. Food bills are crippling like everyone else at the moment. No childcare fees.

DH puts money away into savings each month for an emergency / rainy day etc usually between £500 and £1k. We both have individual accounts where wages go into and we are responsibly for certain bills each month.

However most months now I am struggling. More bills than money on my part. I need a new winter coat and some boots. Can't afford them this month. Couldn't even afford bus fair from town from helping at the food bank today as I'm about to go overdrawn so had to walk 45 mins in the pouring rain. To then find DH had ate the double portion of soup from the freezer that I got out this morning that was meant to do us both.

Starting to accumulate credit card debt as a result of not enough funds some months.

DH won't consider a joint account and both access it for what we need as "he earned that money and shouldn't have to bail me out if I'm financially irresponsible".

I get it, I could work more hours but then we would have to pay before and after school clubs and holiday clubs. Which would negate the extra money I earn working.

But surely I shouldn't have to walk 45 mins in the rain and wear boots and a coat that leaks and have to make do with a biscuit for lunch just because he thinks I'm irresponsible and doesn't want to help? He thinks all couples are like us and the one who earns more money has more spare cash?

Yes we are

Going without the basics, whilst your husband saves hundreds each month for himself is really no way to live. I’ve been there Op. I know it’s a scary prospect but it you did decide to LTB you will be far better off financially, emotionally and mentally.

Good, you will be better off after a divorce then!
Does he realise this?
He is essentially making it better for you to be divorced than married.

You can't afford to subsidize this family (him) by working part time you know, and why should you?

This is so sad to read, and other as well where the higher earner 'treats them' to a new coat!
All money goes into one bank account, all accounts are in both names and can be accessed by both. My husband is the higher earner.
We spend what we want from the joint account, with a discussion to be had if its over a £200 purchase.
Neither of us has an account or even a credit card that the other doesn't have access to. We also use lastpass so we can securely share passwords for everything with each other, there are no secrets.
I always wonder in the situations like the OP what happens should something suddenly happen and the higher earner passes, how do you access the funds if it is all in their name, assuming you don't know the passwords for online banking or their pin numbers? I am sure there are ways round it but it must be a huge hassle that you don't need, especially at such a bad time.

Food, gas and electric, mobile phone (mine and eldest DC) home insurance, internet, tv license, kids swimming and pet insurance

Easiest thing to do here is to say that you can’t buy the food. Everyone has to eat, but you don’t have to be the one responsible for paying for the whole family.

I’d also tell him you need to stop the kids swimming - would he then pay for that, or let them go without?

‘With my worldly goods I thee endow’ .That used to be part of the marriage vows, said by the man when it was expected that he would be the main or quite often only cash earner.

So fast forward to the 20th century, at various times DH earned literally nothing , I paid for everything . When I was sick and couldn’t do much ( self employed) he never indicated for a moment that he resented taking over the finances.

Marriage is a partnership, OP. You don’t have a partner. you have a Master.

You’re also responsible for the costs that have suffered from the highest inflationary rises: gas & electric, food, and insurances.

It’s not fair.

DH works full time, I work 20% (four children) and we have joint accounts. Because DH works a lot, I take care of researching bank accounts etc. so I tend to open them in my name and save for 'us'.

Do you claim the child benefit? If you stopped because he’s a higher earner, start claiming again. He can pay it back via self assessment.

What exactly does he think he is bringing to the table in this relationship? If you have to do all the cooking , cleaning, shopping and childcare, but cannot afford a coat or even the bus home.

What does he suppose is in it for you?

He's a wanker and this is not a partnership.

What sort of man lets his wife go without while he can afford to put so much into savings each month

Spreadsheet time.

List absolutely everything with costs. All outgoings. Work out what is proportionately fair (and dc phone bill and all other dc expenses should be household cost, not yours).

Then see how much you each have left over to do with as you wish. His savings come under his personal spends, not joint. If he is saving all this money for him alone I would be seriously unhappy.

He is treating you as less important than him rather than as an equal partner. If you were a serious spendthrift or gambler then it would be different. But you obviously are not & he needs to change his mindset.

The previous credit card card debt was because you couldn't afford day to day living on reduced maternity pay? This could have been avoided if he'd paid the bills whilst you were off work nurturing HIS baby.

Your ‘d’h is a twat of the highest order. He is definitely abusing you financially.
I have my own career and earning pretty decent money. Dcs are older so we don’t have any childcare cost.
Dh earns more . He puts 80% of all his earnings into a joint account and the other 20% goes to his personal account. My earnings go to my own personal account
He actually encourages me to take money from the joint account .

You need to go full time and then ask your ‘d’h to pay the cost of any childcare and cleaning costs

Financial abuse. He is effectively stealing from you and your children.

I assume he does know how much you bring home every month?

Have you worked out how much better off you would be if you divorced him?

Or at least considered billing him for 50% of the hours you can’t work because you are providing childcare for his children?

We both work full time and have separate finances. The joint account is simply for us to put our share in for the bills such as nursery fees, mortgage etc.

My account is my name, DH's account is in his name and neither of us have access to each others. What is left is our money.

I'd never agree to paying my wage into a joint account.

Do you have anything to add that's relevant to the OP @SouthLondonMum22 ?

This isn't going to get better.
Start to plan, just in case. Get copies of all the financial documents you can find, bank statements, pensions, investments, wage slips ect. Keep them up to date in a safe place- not where they are easily found.

Fwiw, we have "the money" it all goes into one pot and we spend it as we need to. For a lot of the time he's earned more than me, now he's retired, I bring in more than him.
Others prefer to put both sets of money in the bank, then draw out the same amount of spending money each.
Whatever a couple chooses, it should be fair and equal. Marriage is an equal partnership, not a master/servant relationship.

If he won't listen to reason, then you have some hard thinking to do.
I'm sorry your husband is such a selfish twat.

I've been the higher earner before and now the lower earner as reduced hours due to young children.

We have always given ourselves equal money which stays in our own account to spend as we wish and the rest goes to joint account where all bills come from. So the higher earner contributes a higher % as they earn more. If you're off because of the children I don't see why you should be worse off. You're a family so need to share equally.

I'm sure if it was the other way around he'd feel differently about how it should be split...

@FinancialQuestions However most months now I am struggling. More bills than money on my part. I need a new winter coat and some boots. Can't afford them this month. Couldn't even afford bus fair from town from helping at the food bank today as I'm about to go overdrawn so had to walk 45 mins in the pouring rain.

I know you're heart is in the right place but right now you can't afford to volunteer. You should be working, making your own money and splitting childcare expenses. By staying at home and being a free nanny you've put yourself in a very vulnerable situation. Needless to say your husband is financially abusive. You need to make a plan to go back to work.

Sorry that is awful and so unsupportive. You are a team and IMO once you had kids all the money is in one pot.
You are not working less hours by choice, you are working less hours to look after your children which your husband could do whilst you work more hours.
You being part time is enabling him to earn a full time wage!
No husband should be happy letting his wife walk around with holes in her shoes.
He needs a reality check!!

I know (well I assume he's being truthful) what he earns. And I know I'm the beneficiary on his death in service programme from work.

I know the password to his phone and I know he keeps track of finances on his work compute and where the password is so hopefully I'd be able to access these if needed.

Got to go and get the youngest DC from school now but I am going compile a list of my ingoings vs outgoings now compared to even a year ago let alone 5 years ago. And work out the percentages of what I have for me now.

And I'll ask him to do the same.

I didn't even realise financial abuse was a thing until this thread

I would actually do the opposite and transfer the gas/elec Internet and insurances over to him. That way he can't blame you to the kids about loosing stuff. I'd also be keeping the food spend as there is nothing like having a miser to control your food.

I do work. 25 hours a week. I don't do more as the wrap around care and holiday clubs would cost more than the additional earnings

You're being financially abused, that's ridiculous. You shouldn't be worrying about being as to afford the bus home.

My husband earns so much more than me, however, he puts all his money into our pot and then we make decisions about large purchases together. I pop a portion of my wage into the pot and it pay for treats as such!

Would they cost YOU more, or ‘the family’? How is childcare paid, because you didn’t mention it in the list of bills you pay.