Husband hates our baby

[MoodyMum94]

We have a 3 year old daughter who is an absolute angel. Of course, she is 3 so still fucking hard but over all she's happy, is not remotely worried about ever leaving us, she is cuddly and now sleeps very well.

When she was a newborn it was HARD. I got pre natal and subsequently post natal depression. My husband was lazy and mostly unhelpful. I had a c section so struggled after with recovery and did too much too soon. Since then his mum had major surgery, which she visibly struggled with and that made him realise how much I did and just dealt with..... he was very apologetic and said he would be different next time.

We have spoke about a second child often. At one point he was all for it, when we get 30 hours free. Then he went totally off the idea. Then was up for it again. I fell pregnant, unplanned, this year and he instantly said to abort. I asked if we could just discuss once our daughter was in bed. There was an awkward silence so I wrote out pros and cons for right now, all quite true to myself and brutally honest. He said "lets have it". Then he was off with me for days. Then spoke about it again, said he felt I didn't listen to him (despite me thinking it's actually me who's feelings aren't being considered). Got emotional, he changed his tune.

This has been a constant cycle until a few weeks ago, when our daughter had a cough and was very upset and not easy to calm (about 9/10pm) and he was very off with me for days. I said what is it. He said I just had a flashback of telling you I didn't want to do this again and you've done it anyway... I said I am not taking "blame" for this anymore, this took two of us, It was a genuine "accident" (for want of a better word!!!). He was so off with me for days and I mean not talking at all, not eating, not sharing the bed. Awful. I was also in bits, angry, hurt, upset.

We spoke again and he repeated his concerns and things felt lighter. Then the next day back to the same attitude when I was told "doesn't mean it's all gone away you need to not talk about the baby. I need time".

Now.. I'm 23 weeks pregnant, quite uncomfortable, taking care of a 3year old basically on my own, feeling these little kicks...and I'm not allowed to express joy (or anything) for this child/pregnancy. Knowing how hard the first time was for me, it fucking hurts.

The other night I packed my bags and said unfortunatley we don't get the luxury of "space" and "time" because we have a CHILD who needs us HERE RIGHT NOW who doesn't understand. he said he needs time to accept that this is happening as he doesn't want to be an absent father but needs time.

We have known since 3 weeks btw... it's not some sudden shock now. All of this is killing me and making me so angry. I don't know how I can forgive him. I feel like he is being so disgustingly selfish. I am totally okay with him having feelings differing from my own but if he had spoke to me about it like a normal person instead of just spouting about abortion instantly..... who knows!!!I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home but I don't want them having a shitty dad like I did. All or nothing!

I would be grateful for any advice!!!!

OP I am sorry that you are going through this. What a horrible man to behave in this way. I agree with all these comments and I would seriously consider leaving. It might be hard work but it won’t be as hard as this.
I also wonder if the depression you had with your first little girl was caused by the fact you were coping with someone who didn’t nurture and cherish you at such a special time. Good luck and stay strong

It wasn't bad behaviour for OP to express her desire to continue with the pregnancy but it was bad behaviour for her to expect her OP to get on board with something he obviously didn't want. Once again, I am NOT excusing his behaviour, but why is it always the woman who is 'done to' when it comes to unplanned pregnancy and a decision whether to keep the baby? The OP has agency; she has made her own choice - great! And yes, her OH is being a dick, but she can't force him to want the baby and I don't think it's fair to make out he's in the wrong, if she's pushed him into complying with her decision.

Leave him. Why are you still with him? He is basically a child having a tantrum. I feel sorry for your kids having this as a dad. He is unreliable and selfish you will do better alone.

This man obviously has checked out of this marriage and is feeling trapped.
OP you deserve so much more, it's time to let him go.

Its difficult. It is absolutely okay for someone to decide that they do not want another baby. I wouldn’t have coped very well with an unplanned pregnancy because I like to be in control of life changing decisions. I imagine other people feel this way too. Your husband is not expressing his feelings in a productive or helpful way at all but that doesn’t mean how he feels is not valid. Of course , the option of a vasectomy was/ is there for him. Nothing can ‘make’ him want another baby but you also shouldn’t have to put up with how he is behaving towards you. Have you asked him to leave?

My husband was horrified when I got pregnant with our second child. We'd not been using contraception as we'd had fertility issues and struggled to conceive the first child, and thought she was a fluke.

He too asked me to about but I refused. He said he couldn't imagine being able to love a second child as much as he loved the first.

When our second DD was born she was the image of him but he never bonded with her. If something was wrong she always ALWAYS got the blame. She grew up thinking she was second best.

Now they're young adults he fluctuates between which one he favours depending on which one has excelled at something or caused a problem.

Neither of them like him much, as they've seen him for what he is.

Don't be me OP. I should have left him at the beginning and given my children a better upbringing. He's done untold damage to their mental health, and mine.

Agree. He's going to permanently undermine their mental and emotional health.

there is often a view on MN that if a woman gets knocked up and the man isn't instantly on board and supportive of keeping the baby, the man is in the wrong...

Yes many of us, weirdly, think men are in charge of their own penises and where they put them, and whether they take precautions themselves not to conceive the children they don't want. How very unreasonable of us.

This is exactly why I suggested speaking to a local service. I'm under one and got info from them for him

I do, thank you

This issue is age old though.

A man has choice until he éjaculates. He isn’t being ‘ pushed into complying with the woman’s decision’. It’s simply has always been the case (well since women have been able to have control over their own bodies). And really every man should know that.

And why is it tte case? Because it happens to a woman’s body. They are tte ones to deal with the huge hormone fluctuations, the strain on the body. The risks (of injury, major abdominal surgery, MH and death). Because, in RL, it’s women who bear the burden of childrearing, parenting, loss of income etc….
So yes they get to ‘chose’.

And there is no ‘oh poor me’ from a man who doesn’t want a child but can’t be bothered to use a condom (yes even if his dwife is on the pill) or have a vasectomy. That’s where his choice is. He has plenty. No one is putting a gun on his temple to no do any of that.

I tried to make him feel heard at every hurdle. I really just wanted to talk it out, both sides of it from day one. He was saying yes no yes no, I'm not playing about with someone's life. On my part there was a larger percentage of me that wanted this baby, so I went with that and that was agreed by him, only to turn back on it 4 MONTHS later. It's a lot to handle. I do get what you're saying and totally respect it, I'm just putting my bit in here too

Thank you for sharing the side of someone who's stayed. This is appreciated so much. Sounds incredibly tough, you did what you thought was right x

Lol 😂

A man and women have consensual sex. Neither use protection. Woman gets pregnant. They are both responsible. Woman wants to keep baby. Man doesn't. Woman's body, therefore woman's choice. Can't force the man to like the decision though.

I.don't think it's fair to make out he's in the wrong
Or
I am NOT excusing his behaviour

Which is it?

OP. This is no way to live your life, This should be a happy time.

When my DD had just turned five I had to tell her that her daddy had gone to live elsewhere. I had stayed in the relationship for her. He was a twat but I truly thought the right thing to do was to stick it out for her so she had both parents. I got to the point where it was unbearable and he'd cheated etc etc and I just couldn't do it anymore. The night I told her he has left she said to me,.. does that mean no more arguing? I'm so glad he's gone, he's always shouting at us... Broke my heart. I just never saw what she saw and though I'd hidden it from her.

My belief that staying together as a family unit had done more damage than good. She's 17 now, and we have the best relationship. She doesn't see her dad as he buggered off never to be seen again.

Don't do this to yourself or your children. You deserve so much more. This man is a cunt. He is gaslighting the shit out of you and making you feel worthless.

You can do it on your own. It's a scary thought, but the ability to walk around your own house without being in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing is immense. Once your head clicks and you're ready to move forward, you will have a weight off your shoulders that you are currently carrying needlessly. Just being able to be you.. it's a wonderful feeling.

You only have one life. Be happy. X

I.don't think it's fair to make out he's in the wrong

Or

I am NOT excusing his behaviour

Which is it?

It's both. Someone can behave badly and we can 'blame' them for that behaviour, but how they feel isn't necessarily wrong - and that's exactly what I'm trying to get at: he is behaving badly, yes, and we can condemn him for that. But, he did say right at the start that he doesn't want the baby. And it seems that a lot of people have discounted that and think that how he feels doesn't matter.

But, he did say right at the start that he doesn't want the baby. And it seems that a lot of people have discounted that and think that how he feels doesn't matter

No. nobody has discounted his feelings. So what’s OP supposed to do? This baby is coming. So he needs to do the decent thing and leave with his feelings, step this being about in in the very environment that’s is causing his behavior. If you are not happy in a situation you leave - not like at wounds.

I'd make plans to leave him now, whilst your still pregnant and PND hasnt got a grip of you yet ( I'd put money on you developing PND living like this with a newborn, toddler and that horrible man )

Hes setting you up to not help raise his children in the future, he will say it's because he didnt want baby ect, you'll be doing it all on your own and you'll have him blaming you and making you feel shit aswell

I was in an abusive relationship when my DC were small. I left when my baby was 8 months old and I wish I'd left during pregnancy.

He never bothered with the baby, EVER. He spent time on his own with him TWICE in 8 months. I developed severe PND as the baby was 4lb 9oz and fed every 2 hours, DD wasnt eligible for nursery yet either so I had 5 months of 2 very small babies/toddler relying on me for everything 24/7 and no help

Honestly, get out now. I still feel guilty my DS didnt get a proper mum for those 8 months. Still makes me sad I cant really remember any positives from what was supposed to be a lovely time

I don't think he's going to change. He's a poor father to your DD and doesn't even want to be the father to the new baby. It's such a shock when you realise the person you love is not going to be the person you thought they'd be. I can't see this marriage working. He'll always hold this over you and punish you for getting pregnant conveniently forgetting it was his penis inside you getting you pregnant. I bet he didn't complain when he was having sex. I'd start planning to do this alone because I don't think he is reliable and if he stays he will act like a martyr.

This!

Offering a handhold, OP. As many previous have said, you need to tell him that he is entitled to feel as he does, but that he cannot remain in the house with you and your other child as the relationship cannot come back from this, and it is by far healthier for all involved not to continue under the same roof. I am living proof; I am coming up on 30 in the next couple of years and I am still unpicking and exploring the damage done by having grown up in a family where actually both of us kids were very much wanted by both parents, but our parents' relationship was dysfunctional and had a lot of conflict and control. My mother could not bring herself to confront and end the living situation, and it took until I was 17 and starting therapy for me to do so instead (and I'm the youngest by a significant gap - so plenty of years of guilt/fear/control etc. for all involved before this). Please do not put either of your children in this potential situation.

If your partner ever decides to step up and be a proactive part of this baby's life in future and can do so constructively - great! But currently his presence is helping no-one and making your own life so much more difficult. The sooner you call time on this, the better for you and your children. You deserve to feel secure in your decisions in your own home life. I know it's not easy and I'm wishing you all the best