Husband hates our baby

[MoodyMum94]

We have a 3 year old daughter who is an absolute angel. Of course, she is 3 so still fucking hard but over all she's happy, is not remotely worried about ever leaving us, she is cuddly and now sleeps very well.

When she was a newborn it was HARD. I got pre natal and subsequently post natal depression. My husband was lazy and mostly unhelpful. I had a c section so struggled after with recovery and did too much too soon. Since then his mum had major surgery, which she visibly struggled with and that made him realise how much I did and just dealt with..... he was very apologetic and said he would be different next time.

We have spoke about a second child often. At one point he was all for it, when we get 30 hours free. Then he went totally off the idea. Then was up for it again. I fell pregnant, unplanned, this year and he instantly said to abort. I asked if we could just discuss once our daughter was in bed. There was an awkward silence so I wrote out pros and cons for right now, all quite true to myself and brutally honest. He said "lets have it". Then he was off with me for days. Then spoke about it again, said he felt I didn't listen to him (despite me thinking it's actually me who's feelings aren't being considered). Got emotional, he changed his tune.

This has been a constant cycle until a few weeks ago, when our daughter had a cough and was very upset and not easy to calm (about 9/10pm) and he was very off with me for days. I said what is it. He said I just had a flashback of telling you I didn't want to do this again and you've done it anyway... I said I am not taking "blame" for this anymore, this took two of us, It was a genuine "accident" (for want of a better word!!!). He was so off with me for days and I mean not talking at all, not eating, not sharing the bed. Awful. I was also in bits, angry, hurt, upset.

We spoke again and he repeated his concerns and things felt lighter. Then the next day back to the same attitude when I was told "doesn't mean it's all gone away you need to not talk about the baby. I need time".

Now.. I'm 23 weeks pregnant, quite uncomfortable, taking care of a 3year old basically on my own, feeling these little kicks...and I'm not allowed to express joy (or anything) for this child/pregnancy. Knowing how hard the first time was for me, it fucking hurts.

The other night I packed my bags and said unfortunatley we don't get the luxury of "space" and "time" because we have a CHILD who needs us HERE RIGHT NOW who doesn't understand. he said he needs time to accept that this is happening as he doesn't want to be an absent father but needs time.

We have known since 3 weeks btw... it's not some sudden shock now. All of this is killing me and making me so angry. I don't know how I can forgive him. I feel like he is being so disgustingly selfish. I am totally okay with him having feelings differing from my own but if he had spoke to me about it like a normal person instead of just spouting about abortion instantly..... who knows!!!I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home but I don't want them having a shitty dad like I did. All or nothing!

I would be grateful for any advice!!!!

I was married to one of these OP except my ex husband waited until our very mutually planned twins were born to announce he hadn't reallly wanted them and never expected IVF to work 😳 I packed his bags and filed for divorce as soon as the words left his mouth

Oh and the signs were there when I was pregnant - not engaged, wouldn't touch me or the bump, wouldn't talk about the babies. wouldn't help although I was a high risk twins pregnancy with an older child and it was lockdown. "Missed" the birth

This relationship is over. He is vile and pathetic. Never, ever apologise to him again.
Either leave with your daughter or chuck him out. He can go back to Mummy.

I had a very similar situation, my baby’s father is very selfish and immature, and couldn’t be a dad. It’s hard for me to understand and accept, as I grew up too fast as a child and have always had a lot of responsibility. The fact is, the man you are dealing with has not grown up yet, is not capable of being a dad, and you don’t know if he ever will. He might one day, but that’s up to him. A home isn’t broken without a marriage. A marriage and a home are two different things. A family and a marriage are two different things. A marriage in itself is its own thing and nothing depends on it. Your children need you to do what’s best for them, and you deserve to be happy. DH needs to grow up, but you can’t do anything about that, only he can. So you do what’s best for you and your children, and you let him make his best decisions.

Yes, how thoughtless of OP to have accidentally got herself pregnant by her husband, been upset by his controlling ‘hot and cold’ behaviour AND cruelly not put herself though the physical and emotional pain of killing her own unborn child on his whim. Bad behaviour indeed.

OP, I had a similar situation; DH had a nervous breakdown when I was pg with my second and said some truly awful things. I honestly thought we would break up and I threw him out. Not saying there is a happy ending every time but actually we got through it and he is the most loving and supportive DH and father you could hope for (DC teens/pre-teens now).

You know that if you had terminated then afterwards he would have announced that he wanted the baby and you murdered it right?

Wtf is the point of him?

Can't be arsed to be a decent parent
Can't be arsed to be a decent partner
Abusive silent treatment off and on all the time

Bloody hell

This is the problem with men's support of women's right to abortion. Some just don't think of the women. It's not their bodies and so they think they can just request that they have an abortion on their whim, like your husband does. It's not like having a fucking MOT.

He doesn't want to be seen as being the bad guy, so it sounds like he's emotionally punishing you for not coming to the conclusion he wants you to come to by yourself.

https://www.verywellmind.com/married-couples-silent-treatment-2303421#when-silence-is-abusive

You had pre natal depression last time. Sounds like he has it this time.
It's a thing.

OP, you wrote I fell pregnant, unplanned, this year and he instantly said to abort. He could not have been more honest/direct than that. You can’t force him to want or love this child, but you can force him to financially support it. And you should, because he should have made very sure he did not impregnate you since he really did not want another.

I think she had a normal response to being treated like crap - when that happens pre or post Partum it's traumatic

He does know how babies are made, right? Because it's bloody outrageous that he's saying it's all your fault alone that you conceived.

I agree with other PP that you need to take back your power. Tell him YOU need space to decide what to do now, so he needs to move out and you'll arrange contact time with your DD while you're apart. If he baulks at that, stick to your guns, tell him it's never going to be resolved while you are under the same roof and he can't keep opting in and out of family life. He needs to move out, even if it's just temporarily.

Yup I had all of that from my ex and don't miss it

I agree

I agree

I think you need to go, at the very least he needs a kick up the arse, at worst you need to leave him permanently. You certainly can't stay in this situation, it sounds awful for you and his behaviour is totally unacceptable. He honestly sounds like a child himself. Do you have good family support around you?

Sounds to me like he's an abusive tosser.

How did you reach that diagnosis?

OP if you are looking after 3 year old and him, who’s looking after you?

You are carrying extra baggage you don’t need.

Tell him to leave.

He can have space at his mothers.

And where is the ops bad behaviour? She expressed her desire to continue the pregnancy. Was this bad behaviour?

Or was it expecting him to behave like a good husband and decent human(in light of this unexpected pregnancy).

Wow I so sorry he is treating you and his TWO children this way. He is a shit partner. You must be very stressed - you sound very patient, I expect you are used to his behaviour - I want to say it’s not normal and absolutely not ok to treat you as he is. I would really consider leaving and closing the door on him as being a ‘partner’. He’s not in your team and you’ve been an excellent team mate. Best of luck to you op Xxxx

If you had a Ferrari that was great fun to drive but you spent four times longer fixing it than you did driving it, you'd scrap it.

The intermittent good times are part of how an abuser holds onto his victim. Leave him.

Mental illness is not an excuse. Depressed and traumatised women don't treat others like this.

Ultimately you will be looking after 3 children..he will be the biggest toddler of them all, having the biggest tantrums. His behaviour is manipulative, he is cruel and passive aggressive. He is exercising his power over you at a time when you are physically and emotionally at your most vulnerable. I think you know deep down inside what you need to do..you definitely don’t want to repeat your own childhood, from what you say. I hope you find the strength to make a difficult decision for the sake of you and your children.

What he's doing to you is unspeakably cruel. And I'm really sad that you can't or won't see it.

He sounds unbearable and emotionally abusive. Like another poster said - everytime something goes wrong or baby gets ill or you are complaining about being tired, he will respond with "well I told you to get an abortion, I didn't want this baby" etc. He is clearly lazy and not supportive. The silent treatment is immature, how can you live like that? Personally I would leave, you will be happier on your own. Oh and don't apologise to him, he should be apologising to you!