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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband hates our baby

173 replies

MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 13:53

We have a 3 year old daughter who is an absolute angel. Of course, she is 3 so still fucking hard but over all she's happy, is not remotely worried about ever leaving us, she is cuddly and now sleeps very well.

When she was a newborn it was HARD. I got pre natal and subsequently post natal depression. My husband was lazy and mostly unhelpful. I had a c section so struggled after with recovery and did too much too soon. Since then his mum had major surgery, which she visibly struggled with and that made him realise how much I did and just dealt with..... he was very apologetic and said he would be different next time.

We have spoke about a second child often. At one point he was all for it, when we get 30 hours free. Then he went totally off the idea. Then was up for it again. I fell pregnant, unplanned, this year and he instantly said to abort. I asked if we could just discuss once our daughter was in bed. There was an awkward silence so I wrote out pros and cons for right now, all quite true to myself and brutally honest. He said "lets have it". Then he was off with me for days. Then spoke about it again, said he felt I didn't listen to him (despite me thinking it's actually me who's feelings aren't being considered). Got emotional, he changed his tune.

This has been a constant cycle until a few weeks ago, when our daughter had a cough and was very upset and not easy to calm (about 9/10pm) and he was very off with me for days. I said what is it. He said I just had a flashback of telling you I didn't want to do this again and you've done it anyway... I said I am not taking "blame" for this anymore, this took two of us, It was a genuine "accident" (for want of a better word!!!). He was so off with me for days and I mean not talking at all, not eating, not sharing the bed. Awful. I was also in bits, angry, hurt, upset.

We spoke again and he repeated his concerns and things felt lighter. Then the next day back to the same attitude when I was told "doesn't mean it's all gone away you need to not talk about the baby. I need time".

Now.. I'm 23 weeks pregnant, quite uncomfortable, taking care of a 3year old basically on my own, feeling these little kicks...and I'm not allowed to express joy (or anything) for this child/pregnancy. Knowing how hard the first time was for me, it fucking hurts.

The other night I packed my bags and said unfortunatley we don't get the luxury of "space" and "time" because we have a CHILD who needs us HERE RIGHT NOW who doesn't understand. he said he needs time to accept that this is happening as he doesn't want to be an absent father but needs time.

We have known since 3 weeks btw... it's not some sudden shock now. All of this is killing me and making me so angry. I don't know how I can forgive him. I feel like he is being so disgustingly selfish. I am totally okay with him having feelings differing from my own but if he had spoke to me about it like a normal person instead of just spouting about abortion instantly..... who knows!!!I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home but I don't want them having a shitty dad like I did. All or nothing!

I would be grateful for any advice!!!!

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 18/09/2023 17:23

Sorry you are in this position.

The most important people in this situation are the ones with no ability to make decisions: your children. Therefore it has to be your responsibility to act in their best interests ( which you obviously want to, I’m just trying to clarify the situation) which means removing them from a father who is emotionally abusive to you, openly wishes his unborn child didn’t exist and is incapable of putting their needs before his own.

This is incredibly difficult for you and I’d suggest seeking support from your midwife, HV and GP and anyone else available to get you in a position to leave the relationship. Seek legal advice and get support from the women here who have walked in your shoes.

Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by his emotional needs and previous trauma- that belongs to him, not you. You are not responsible for his needs. He’s made it clear he cares little for your needs.

Wishing you all the strength in the world.

Differentstarts · 18/09/2023 17:23

You have 2 choices leave and have a fresh start with your children or stay and your children will grow up in a toxic and abusive household which will damage them mentally for the rest of their lives and impact their choices in future partners which will then damage their children. It only takes one person to break a cycle, wouldn't you rather that be you then your children or grandchildren

Iwasafool · 18/09/2023 17:23

You had pre and post natal depression, was it very bad? Was he supportive? Is he worried about that? I knew someone who had very bad PND, she really was like a zombie with the meds she was on. It was a nightmare for her but it was also a nightmare for her husband, he couldn't leave her alone so he had friends/family coming in while he was at work, came home and cared for her and baby. He was very anti having another baby and honestly I could see why. They did eventually have another baby and she was absolutely fine and he was a great dad.

It is hard for anyone outside to know what is going on but you say he has MH issues so maybe he needs to get help for that.

GabriellaMontez · 18/09/2023 17:23

A broken family?

What you're describing is utterly broken.

Stop apologising. Ltb. He's disgusting to treat you like this.

BetterWithPockets · 18/09/2023 17:28

This is a hard one, OP. He didn’t want the baby and told you so. The two of you presumably came to the decision to keep it, but if one partner doesn’t want it and the other does, it’s not exactly something you can compromise on, so I can’t see it was ever going to end happily. I don’t know what the answer is but I can understand why he might be struggling. (Ditto you.) Of course, that doesn’t help you — either in terms of managing day to day or deciding what to do about your marriage. Good luck.

HappyPurrrsday · 18/09/2023 17:28

My take? He wants to split up and has for some time, or just not be a dad/parent but feels obliged to stay, “trapped”. He doesn’t wanna be the bad guy and leave his daughter/pregnant wife.

I think I’d say “I think it’s over, isn’t it” and see what he says, with a view to getting him out the house.

Gcsunnyside23 · 18/09/2023 17:28

So has he booked a vasectomy? If he's so traumatized around having a baby I'm sure he went straight to the doctor to make sure it didn't happen? Op none of this is your fault, accidents happen and he doesn't just get to tell you to abort. He needs to be a parent and get himself together and accept he has a baby on the way. If he's not willing them pack his bags not yours

GilbertMarkham · 18/09/2023 17:29

He said I just had a flashback of telling you I didn't want to do this again and you've done it anyway

Was he using condoms?

Franticbutterfly · 18/09/2023 17:30

Sounds like he has already checked out.

MrsMara · 18/09/2023 17:32

I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home

This is such a dated and woefully inaccurate expression.

The only broken homes I know of are ones where children are forced to grow up in toxic environments with abusive fathers and sometimes mothers.

LightSpeeds · 18/09/2023 17:34

Why do you hate yourself? It's him you should be hating because he's a useless, nasty waste of space.

He doesn't love you - at least, not in any way that's going to make you feel good.

Seaweed42 · 18/09/2023 17:38

"He was treated so badly in the past, his family are amazing and I just feel terrible even thinking of leaving him. Like incredibly guilty"

He's a grown man. Are you able to see that?

You are in fact 'treated so badly' by him. Do you see that?

dearanon · 18/09/2023 17:43

Your dh is pathetic.

So he has trauma, we all have trauma. He's a lazy selfish arsehole. Get yourself out this relationship and this sorry excuse for a father out your children's lives.

AprQ · 18/09/2023 17:44

You need to take his actions for face value and stop trying to change the narrative. He is not a nice person whether you have infrequent good times or not.

It’s madness that you’ve had a second child with him when he was so unhelpful the second time round. There’s no turning back now so you either stick around with this awful man or start making plans to get away. I’m not sure how you’ll do it but there has to be a way?!

dearanon · 18/09/2023 17:44

Seaweed42 · 18/09/2023 17:38

"He was treated so badly in the past, his family are amazing and I just feel terrible even thinking of leaving him. Like incredibly guilty"

He's a grown man. Are you able to see that?

You are in fact 'treated so badly' by him. Do you see that?

This. He treats you and your child like shit and has said he won't like this baby when it comes either.

Why are you tolerating this crap op.

BreatheAndFocus · 18/09/2023 17:45

He sounds like a selfish, lazy man who manipulates you so that you’re always thinking of him and worrying about him/your last argument/how he’d manage, etc etc.

Think about your DC and yourself. You don’t have to be with this pathetic, abusive selfish twat. Honestly, you’ll feel so much better once you’ve put some space between you and started getting your focus back on yourself, your DD and your baby. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for them.

Get legal advice (without telling him). You should be able to stay in the house while he contributes as part of a financial settlement. You might also be entitled to benefits. You deserve a hell of a lot better 💐

Banderbear · 18/09/2023 17:47

If you are dealing with MH issues then you really really don’t need somebody else dragging you down. PND is awful enough even when you’re surrounded by support. When you have those soul-destroying days when you question if you’re a good mother or even whether you like your children, you need a partner to remind you that those thoughts and feelings aren’t real. You don’t need somebody being the devil on your shoulder, echoing those thoughts back to you like they’re true.

My heart is breaking for your unborn baby. He or she deserves to be born into a world where they are adored and seen for the perfect little gift that they are. He or she is already resented and they’ve done nothing to deserve it other than just exist. And it’s their own father feeling that way towards them. He or she deserves so much better.

I feel like you should ask yourself some tough questions. You feel sorry for your husband, but do you care about him more than your children? You say it’ll be hard being a single parent, but are you willing to endure that hardship so that your children don’t grow up in a toxic environment?

Speaking from experience, parents staying together is not always best for the children. Also from experience, if somebody is constantly accusing you of ‘gaslighting’, it’s very likely that they’re actually gaslighting themselves. It’s a clever little trick they like to play. The fact that you’re feeling guilty and questioning yourself is a direct result of gaslighting behaviour.

Chocolatepopcorn · 18/09/2023 17:47

I think it's OK for him to have misgivings. I had misgivings myself when I was pregnant with number two. If he cared that much about not conceiving though, he should have taken more care with the contraception. He needs to grin and bear it now and put his doubts to one side and support you. Even if you are splitting up, he needs to step up to do more with the three year old. Even if he's in a bad mood, it's not an excuse to do nothing.

Chelsea543 · 18/09/2023 17:49

As a new mum myself but also with two older kids from another relationship with a useless spouse like yours - I can just give you this image as it’s similar to what I had with my first partner and I felt so lonely and alone.

Middle of the night - baby screaming - lack of sleep and exhaustion from labour. Your OH refuses to help, shouts, argues, tells you he never wanted this baby and “you deal with it” etc You and baby end up sleeping separately. He gives silent treatment and you’re left with both children.

It may actually take that situation before you leave and all I will say is if you do stay at least be prepared to up and leave then.

He could see the baby when they’re born and be a great dad (although if he hasn’t been the first time then he’ll hardly change now!)

What alarmed me in your first post is that it was only when HIS mum got sick that he actually felt bad about how he treated you. So one day maybe he’ll feel bad about being nasty to you whilst pregnant but so far he has robbed you of every exciting milestone and moment in your pregnancy as well as put extra stress on you at a time when you don’t need stress!

Its so easy to say leave but not easy to do. Personally I would NOT put him down on the birth certificate as father due to his lack of wanting said child. That way if you do separate he would have to fight and spend money to have access which would take time - especially if you can’t trust him with a babies care alone.

I would just say that you would probably be better off financially without him so start looking into if you are entitled to anything. You do not want your children growing up seeing this as an example of how they should be treated by their partner. Hugs xx

MummyJ36 · 18/09/2023 17:56

Would this be the kind of man you’d like your DD to be with in years to come? Would you think she’d be better going it alone than putting herself (and her children) through constant mental torture? I know it’s hard but I think deep down you know what you have to do. The second child is way more likely to bear the brunt of any finger pointing if you stay with DH. You know at some point he will say something to them and break their heart. Do you want to take that risk? Leave now.

Viviennemary · 18/09/2023 18:05

If he knew he didn't want another child at this time then he should have been more careful. It's too late now to complain about it. He sounds very unsupportive and selfish. I dont think I would rush into a decision to leave at this time.

momonpurpose · 18/09/2023 18:16

I am so sorry OP. Your marriage is already over. There's no coming back from what he's done. Whether you leave now or later it's over. The only difference is how much your 3 year old will go thru. You and your children deserve so very much more. Sending hugs

Ponderingwindow · 18/09/2023 18:19

Did your husband choose to abstain from sex so he didn’t risk another baby? Did he book a vasectomy?

now that you are accidentally pregnant has he booked a vasectomy?

you have nothing to apologize for. You didn’t get pregnant by yourself.

airforsharon · 18/09/2023 18:21

I know from experience how horrible it is to have a partner, another capable adult in the house who you think loves you and will care for you when you need support, who actually makes things ten times harder because not only do they NOT help, they make you feel like crap for needing help.

Better to be alone and look to friends and family for support when you need it - in fact anyone who will step up willingly and not make you feel like rubbish.

airforsharon · 18/09/2023 18:22

Better to be alone and look to friends and family for support when you need it - in fact anyone who will step up willingly and not make you feel like rubbish.

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