Husband hates our baby

[MoodyMum94]

We have a 3 year old daughter who is an absolute angel. Of course, she is 3 so still fucking hard but over all she's happy, is not remotely worried about ever leaving us, she is cuddly and now sleeps very well.

When she was a newborn it was HARD. I got pre natal and subsequently post natal depression. My husband was lazy and mostly unhelpful. I had a c section so struggled after with recovery and did too much too soon. Since then his mum had major surgery, which she visibly struggled with and that made him realise how much I did and just dealt with..... he was very apologetic and said he would be different next time.

We have spoke about a second child often. At one point he was all for it, when we get 30 hours free. Then he went totally off the idea. Then was up for it again. I fell pregnant, unplanned, this year and he instantly said to abort. I asked if we could just discuss once our daughter was in bed. There was an awkward silence so I wrote out pros and cons for right now, all quite true to myself and brutally honest. He said "lets have it". Then he was off with me for days. Then spoke about it again, said he felt I didn't listen to him (despite me thinking it's actually me who's feelings aren't being considered). Got emotional, he changed his tune.

This has been a constant cycle until a few weeks ago, when our daughter had a cough and was very upset and not easy to calm (about 9/10pm) and he was very off with me for days. I said what is it. He said I just had a flashback of telling you I didn't want to do this again and you've done it anyway... I said I am not taking "blame" for this anymore, this took two of us, It was a genuine "accident" (for want of a better word!!!). He was so off with me for days and I mean not talking at all, not eating, not sharing the bed. Awful. I was also in bits, angry, hurt, upset.

We spoke again and he repeated his concerns and things felt lighter. Then the next day back to the same attitude when I was told "doesn't mean it's all gone away you need to not talk about the baby. I need time".

Now.. I'm 23 weeks pregnant, quite uncomfortable, taking care of a 3year old basically on my own, feeling these little kicks...and I'm not allowed to express joy (or anything) for this child/pregnancy. Knowing how hard the first time was for me, it fucking hurts.

The other night I packed my bags and said unfortunatley we don't get the luxury of "space" and "time" because we have a CHILD who needs us HERE RIGHT NOW who doesn't understand. he said he needs time to accept that this is happening as he doesn't want to be an absent father but needs time.

We have known since 3 weeks btw... it's not some sudden shock now. All of this is killing me and making me so angry. I don't know how I can forgive him. I feel like he is being so disgustingly selfish. I am totally okay with him having feelings differing from my own but if he had spoke to me about it like a normal person instead of just spouting about abortion instantly..... who knows!!!I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home but I don't want them having a shitty dad like I did. All or nothing!

I would be grateful for any advice!!!!

@Chelsea543
I think they’re married so he will be considered the legal father with parental responsibility automatically. There’s no leaving the father off the birth certificate if you’re married.

I think you're both in the wrong. He did say he didn't want the baby, sounds like you've tried to persuade him but he knows that for him it's not the right decision. He's not expressing it well and maybe he is being emotionally abusive by ignoring you etc., but I don't think you've behaved that well yourself. I think you need to split up.

I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home

It's already broken though, isn't it?

Do you think he thinks you became pregnant on purpose? Might that explain some of his anger and lack of engagement with your pregnancy.

It's a very sad situation for the children and they are going to have to live with it for their whole lives. They have him as their Dad now and it's going to be a massive gamble as to whether he will mess it all up even more. It doesn't sound like the marriage can or should last.

Good luck OP, I hope you have a lot of real life support.

Are YOU safe? Many stories of blokes trying to abort baby by any means....
You need to keep you safe first so you can look after your dd.

I understand this, totally. I'm not perfect and my intention wasn't to be this hard done by person. It's a difficult relationship, for sure.

However, 'it takes two to tango'. We weren't very sexually active, it was actually a one off and we got 'lucky'/'unlucky'. We have spoke about the subject many, many times since having our first, each time a different answer. When I found out I was pregnant I went into instant worry how he would feel and didn't even get a chance to process it myself. I don't think it'll feel real even for me until the baby is here tbh. Normally I think, with anything, if it's mixed signals, it's a no. However this just happened. I wanted support and to consider EVERYONES feelings and feel I've not had that. Hence my frustrations.

Luckily, I do. I think... but you never know until you need people

I don't believe he would ever hurt me

I'm interested in what part of the OPs behaviour you think is bad?

Maybe your DP saw how badly affected you were the first time round, and was reluctant to see you go through it again? I think you have no choice now but to wait until the baby is born and the dust settles and reassess the situation again. You seemed to be having difficulties before the pregnancy and a baby never makes a good band aid.

Who was he treated badly by?

Did he make her pregnant on purpose? After all, he always had the option to wear a bloody condom, didn't he?

Really! Endorssing male selfishness at it's worse. Are we really excusing such evil bastard behaviour? No wonder men think they can get away with anything nowadays, there is always someone around to make shameful excuses!

He's a manipulative fecker op, he needs to sling his hook, you know when that baby is born he will use it to constantly have a go at you. I worry about your other children in this, they gave to witness their father ignoring mother ect.....

How much of your pnd was because of him being unsupportive? Do you want to go through that again? Has he even bonded with the first one?

It sounds like you and your children would be better off without him. You don't need this behaviour from him when you are trying to enjoy your pregnancy.

You have to tell him to leave for the sake of your daughter and new baby.

You are already doing it alone BUT with the emotional weight of being gaslighted and dragged down.

Just cut the chain to the anchor, your life won't change greatly except you won't be trapped in a cycle of being blamed. You might feel sad at first but you'll get over it.

Your kids will however be much better off fatherless (because I put money on him being a Mcdonalds dad) than with a 'forced' family full of arguments, resentment, tension AND knowing they aren't actually wanted (and yes as a child that went through it we KNOW).

If I was being very generous, I’d say you are a more patient woman than me.

In reality I’m afraid I can’t find any respect for the approach that your taking, where you grovel and simper and offer to pay for counselling and continue to let this man walk all over you and your children. Aren’t you fucking angry? Aren’t you incandescent with rage that he could treat your unborn baby like this? That he is threatening your 3 year old’s family unit with his utterly selfish and abusive behaviour?

Time for some harsh truths for this prince of a man.

Get on board with the idea of this baby that you created and be a supportive and present husband and father immediately, or fuck off and leave me to it. No more self indulgent “I need time” bollocks. No more “you mustn’t talk bout the baby”. No more “it’s all your fault”. He’s had time, he’s stonewalled you and berated you and pissed and moaned about a situation of his own making for long enough. He needs to step up or get lost. And maybe if he’s extremely lucky, after he’s completely changed, you might one day be able to forgive him for letting you down so badly.

He needs to leave the house. Now.
Let him have his space whilst you plan your life without him. What a complete and utter pathetic excuse of a person - and let’s not forget, manipulative and emotionally immature. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.

He needs to grow up, doesn't he? As you say, it takes two to tango but also that he needs time to get used to this new situation. I was 34 when I got pg unexpectedly immediately after our marriage and it did take DH quite a while to get used to it and he did struggle, and he was a dick during my pregnancy. But he stepped up, became a terrific dad and DH and we're still together 30 years later. So it's possible that all will be well if your DH steps up. Communication is key, so talk to him, if he'll listen.

Sorry but you need to stop considering his feelings.

fact is you are pregnant and you are having this baby. He’s either in or he’s out - there isn’t a half way house.

I would also ask him to leave.

Either he’ll realize he’s made a mistake and come back
or
Youll realize you’ve made a stupid mistake and not want him back.

You can not go on worrying about him when you have a DD to worry about, and baby to worry about and look after yourself.

How dare he sit and do nothing.

Dear OP, just to say: congratulations on your new little one. Your situation sound so scary and upsetting, but you mention that you can feel kicks and can't express joy at home - well you can express it here if you would like to.
Regardless of what your husband chooses to do (or the choice you have to make for him if his behaviour continues) this is a special time for you and I wish you health and happiness.
Do you have support in place around your mental health and perhaps a good friend to be your birth partner who can share in this journey with you more meaningfully?
Whatever happens with your husband, you are going to have two beautiful children who will adore you and fill your life with so much love.
Sending strength and care your way, OP.
xx

My ex told me he really wanted us to have a baby, even had his vasectomy reversed so it shouldn't have been a surprise when I DID get pregnant....

He wasn't very nice throughout my pregnancy - repeatedly slagged off my appearance, called me fat, wouldn't sleep with me because he didn't like my bump or my weight gain, and "felt like he couldn't forget the baby" while DTD, refused to help me finish the decorating (stairs and landing and I was 8 months pregnant and had done everything I could reach), spent more time tidying his shed that he ever did tidying the house.....
It got worse when our child was born - DS had (an undiagnosed until 9 months) dairy allergy so was very very clingy and a terrible sleeper. I chose to breast feed so he refused to help at night - "what am I supposed to do? You chose to breast feed so get in with it". Refused to rearrange furniture so DS was in our room until he was 9 months old because we only had a 2 bedroom house and the other room was my DSD's who visited EOW....

We split when DS was 2.5....then he said he was going to retire and look after DS full time.....🤣🤣🤣🤣. He hasn't seen my son since he was 3. He was verbally abusive towards both of us and I didn't trust him with DS.

He has since told my DSD (25, she was 13 when DS was born), that he never wanted kids and hopes she doesn't have grandkids as he doesn't want those either.

TWAT.

Do it on your own, I promise it will be easier than what you're going through now.

I agree with this. Tell him you're not sure about your relationship with him as you are struggling to forgive him for his behaviour towards you and the idea that he only wants to parent one of his 2 children and tell him you need time and you need space. Get him to leave since he doesn't want to be a father.

Take the time and space that you need to think things over and to not have him giving you stress at this time.

For the previous PP who asked, and the one who says I am excusing the behaviour of OPs DH, the reason I think OP has behaved badly is that her DH instantly said he didn't want the baby, but it sounds like OP has subsequently put across her point of view and expects him to get on board... even though he's clearly not. I am NOT excusing his behaviour, certainly not his lack of support with their first baby, but there is often a view on MN that if a woman gets knocked up and the man isn't instantly on board and supportive of keeping the baby, the man is in the wrong... but OPs DH clearly doesn't want the baby, and it doesn't sound like OP has accepted his view.

Oh op this reminds me so much of my pregnancy.. so much walking on eggshells, his feelings being centre stage, mine being a nuisance... he walked out on me at 34 weeks so I never had to be brave enough to leave him but I can see now him convincing me I was always in the wrong and me thinking it was my fault and feeling I had to apologize for a peaceful life... it's not a life at all.
You can't change him. Whether you leave forever or not only you can decide but i urge you to go stay with family who love and will look after you for awhile please don't feel
Shame or like you can't tell them c