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Original poster

Husband hates our baby

173 replies

MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 13:53

We have a 3 year old daughter who is an absolute angel. Of course, she is 3 so still fucking hard but over all she's happy, is not remotely worried about ever leaving us, she is cuddly and now sleeps very well.

When she was a newborn it was HARD. I got pre natal and subsequently post natal depression. My husband was lazy and mostly unhelpful. I had a c section so struggled after with recovery and did too much too soon. Since then his mum had major surgery, which she visibly struggled with and that made him realise how much I did and just dealt with..... he was very apologetic and said he would be different next time.

We have spoke about a second child often. At one point he was all for it, when we get 30 hours free. Then he went totally off the idea. Then was up for it again. I fell pregnant, unplanned, this year and he instantly said to abort. I asked if we could just discuss once our daughter was in bed. There was an awkward silence so I wrote out pros and cons for right now, all quite true to myself and brutally honest. He said "lets have it". Then he was off with me for days. Then spoke about it again, said he felt I didn't listen to him (despite me thinking it's actually me who's feelings aren't being considered). Got emotional, he changed his tune.

This has been a constant cycle until a few weeks ago, when our daughter had a cough and was very upset and not easy to calm (about 9/10pm) and he was very off with me for days. I said what is it. He said I just had a flashback of telling you I didn't want to do this again and you've done it anyway... I said I am not taking "blame" for this anymore, this took two of us, It was a genuine "accident" (for want of a better word!!!). He was so off with me for days and I mean not talking at all, not eating, not sharing the bed. Awful. I was also in bits, angry, hurt, upset.

We spoke again and he repeated his concerns and things felt lighter. Then the next day back to the same attitude when I was told "doesn't mean it's all gone away you need to not talk about the baby. I need time".

Now.. I'm 23 weeks pregnant, quite uncomfortable, taking care of a 3year old basically on my own, feeling these little kicks...and I'm not allowed to express joy (or anything) for this child/pregnancy. Knowing how hard the first time was for me, it fucking hurts.

The other night I packed my bags and said unfortunatley we don't get the luxury of "space" and "time" because we have a CHILD who needs us HERE RIGHT NOW who doesn't understand. he said he needs time to accept that this is happening as he doesn't want to be an absent father but needs time.

We have known since 3 weeks btw... it's not some sudden shock now. All of this is killing me and making me so angry. I don't know how I can forgive him. I feel like he is being so disgustingly selfish. I am totally okay with him having feelings differing from my own but if he had spoke to me about it like a normal person instead of just spouting about abortion instantly..... who knows!!!I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home but I don't want them having a shitty dad like I did. All or nothing!

I would be grateful for any advice!!!!

OP posts:
AgnesX · 18/09/2023 16:00

Contemptible arse. As if you did it all in your own🙄

Other than to give him his marching orders I'm not sure what else you can do. He's the one who needs to get himself sorted out.

Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:18

Lavender14 · 18/09/2023 14:26

He has had time, and that's a luxury that he wasn't entitled to.

It's understandable that he may be scared/ worried/ anxious about a second baby but he doesn't get to just disappear into himself for weeks on end and leave you hanging like that. Has he been for counselling or spoken to anyone or actually done anything proactive to resolve his feelings? He needs to step up but tbh it sounds like he's lazy and doesn't want to do the work on himself or as a parent and equal partner and you unfortunately cannot force him. I'd stay elsewhere. Do you have family or friends that can support you and give you a hand with your dc in the meantime? You're absolutely allowed to have your feelings of excitement and joy etc regardless of what he's feeling. His feelings don't trump yours. What did he say when you left and what has happened since then? Ultimately you need to prioritise yourself here in order to protect yourself, your mental health, your dc and your pregnancy. If he's undermining any of that then he needs to not be around at least for a while. But my feeling would be if he can't be there and you can't count on him in the hard times why should he get to swan in later and enjoy the easier parts.

It's so so difficult. He's quite a complex man, long standing MH issues due to BIG trauma. I suggested counselling last week for this issue and even sourced the person, said I would pay for it. Marriage counselling, lone counselling. Anything. I just wanted him to resolve this issue. But no. Doesn't want to this time.

I agree, space and time is not something we get as parents. I've been heart broken at this but have still soldiered on for our girl.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:19

Serenity45 · 18/09/2023 14:26

Honestly? I would leave permanently, or make plans to. He sounds like a lazy selfish prick who is only thinking about his own needs.

I do agree with this and honestly I would say the same to a friend... but it's SO hard trying to make that choice.

OP posts:
gotmychristmasmiracle · 18/09/2023 16:20

He showed his true colours with his first, wouldn't have bothered contemplating having a second with him. Good luck.

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2023 16:21

MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:18

It's so so difficult. He's quite a complex man, long standing MH issues due to BIG trauma. I suggested counselling last week for this issue and even sourced the person, said I would pay for it. Marriage counselling, lone counselling. Anything. I just wanted him to resolve this issue. But no. Doesn't want to this time.

I agree, space and time is not something we get as parents. I've been heart broken at this but have still soldiered on for our girl.

Show quote history

So he could do something about it but he's choosing not to.

Don't we all wish we could just opt out?

Frankly you're going to be doing ALL of this on your own.
Do you want him there whilst you're doing it all and making it worse or would you be better with him gone?

If you're offering to pay for his counselling, does that mean you're the higher earner?
What's your housing situation?

Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:21

Mariposista · 18/09/2023 14:54

This marriage is over.
Take your child and get away from him. I hope you have a stable job to rely on and some support from friends or family.

I have a good job, I can't work more hours (which I would need to) due to childcare issues which is frustrating also, I'm 6 months pregnant so it's already hard enough. Im so scared of what will happen if we split with our daughter and what happens if he does see her but never warms to this baby? I can't really say yep see one but not the other? It's all so difficult

OP posts:
Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:22

hdbs17 · 18/09/2023 14:58

What on earth did you apologise to him for?!!

He's the one who is being entirely unreasonable. He's told you yes and no, settled on keep the baby and is now making you pay for it!

I hope you've still got your bags packed because I'd be grabbing them now and be out the door with DD like a shot!

Easier said than done. Money is a huge factor sadly. I do work, but can't work anymore hours. Plus mat leave pending.... I couldn't afford the house on my own

OP posts:
Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:23

ExtraOnions · 18/09/2023 15:05

You are already a family of 4 whether he likes it or not. You should not compromise your happiness for him. His issues are his issues , you have 2 children who need up come first.

Stick with him and you’ll have a lifetime of “see, told you not to have another” every time something goes wrong.

Get away from him.

This is what scares me. Am I going to have this forever? But then if I leave, will it be the baby who gets it? Or god forbid they somehow find out that it is 'because of' the second baby

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/09/2023 16:23

MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:22

Easier said than done. Money is a huge factor sadly. I do work, but can't work anymore hours. Plus mat leave pending.... I couldn't afford the house on my own

Show quote history

Except - he would have to pay maintenance (for both children) and would you be entitled to any benefits? And help with nursery places?

Do you have family support?

Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:24

Pinkbonbon · 18/09/2023 15:12

Quite frankly I shocked you decided to have a second with a man who was useless the first time round.

Epiphany my arse.

It was a bad idea but you're in it now.

Ltb and go it single. It'll be hard but not as hard as living with a shitebag. And having to run around after him as well as the baby.

Honestly it was a concern I had before.... but it's like I'm tricked by the good times, as Infrequent as they are

OP posts:
Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:24

8990m · 18/09/2023 15:13

It’s because he doesn’t want the responsibility of looking after his own children and sees it as your job and he’s in a strop in case you need another c section again and he has to step up for two children.
I would leave personally as this is only going to get worse and you don’t want him seething at you being resentful when your at your most vulnerable after having the baby.

So scared of this also. I've recruited ALOT of help from my support network for recovery this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:25

Catsafterme · 18/09/2023 15:15

Oh, don't you be apologizing you've done nothing wrong. That's a slippery slope don't fall into that trap.

No decent man would ever think or say that about their own child. A father should step up and adapt not wish it away or guilt the mother, it takes two. Step up or step out.

He has said that he 'just needs to man up' and I agree.... get on with it. As if I'm not terrified of this myself!

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 18/09/2023 16:26

Your husband is unbelievable.

My now DH was a 23 yo student and we'd been together just 5 months when I got pregnant. He didn't act like your DH is doing now.

Sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:26

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 18/09/2023 15:17

If he loves you and doesn’t want to split he shouldn’t stonewall you, refuse to share a bed and tell you you are responsible for the whole situation….

Struggling to come to terms with the situation. Struggling to be happy about a new baby doesn’t mean he can be emotionally abusive, start guilt tripping you etc….

The bottom line is that HE has a big problem because he is becoming a father, Wether he likes it or not. Up to him to ensure he is becoming a dad too rather than just a sperm donor.

That's the stupid thing- he already IS a father but of course with 1 I can muddle through on my own. Harder with 2 though.

OP posts:
Fuckitydoodah · 18/09/2023 16:26

Wow. He sounds like an utter c**t.

He's basically trying to guilt trip you so that you'll end up doing everything, because after all 'it was you that went ahead with having another baby, not his decision'. There's also some serious gas lighting going on.

I know it's never easy, but I think this is a clear case of LTB.

Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:27

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 15:18

He sounds manipulative as shit, going back and forth, controlling the decisions in the first place. Did he now know you weren't on contraception?

Either way, he sounds awful and not someone you want being a partner or a role model for your children - he sounds toxic.

Make plans to leave if you have any sense.

He knew. I came off contraception for many personal health reasons and it worked for over a year. It was perfectly clear always.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:28

whatchulookinatwillis · 18/09/2023 15:22

He got you pregnant and is now using that as a stick to beat you with and an excuse to not do parenting/caring for his pregnant wife.

By claiming he doesn't want the baby and that he "needs time" it lets him off the hook for parenting or partnering in the usual loving way that a committed parent and husband would.

Don't pack your bags, tell him to pack his and he can move back to his mum's and work to a schedule of when he comes to the house and cooks and cares for your child etc (and when he does so, you can take that time to rest).

This would be ideal right? Just unsure how that would work also

OP posts:
Oddearslongnose · 18/09/2023 16:29

@Mariposista kindly meant I’m sure, but this kind of comment discourages women from leaving difficult situations . It’s not helpful.
Even if you don’t have a good job or a good support network, you don’t have to put up with dregs in a relationship.

saythatagaintome · 18/09/2023 16:29

Op how on EARTH can you tolerate this????? The stress of being with someone like that, under normal circumstances let alone whilst pregnant, would honestly depress the life out of me.

look after your well-being! All this flip flopping from a partner, holy sh*t. What a major turnoff.

Crazydoglady1980 · 18/09/2023 16:30

You need to leave as he will keep throwing things back at you. When you’re tired and need a rest it’ll be ‘I told you not to have another one’ when one is unwell or you are unwell it’ll be the same.
He may have mental health issues and trauma but where does the excuses stop? When he is choosing to only parent one child? When your children are copying his behaviour? When they are the ones experiencing the same behaviour from him and think this is how Dads/partners act?

blacksax · 18/09/2023 16:34

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 18/09/2023 15:46

Oh for goodness sake. He’s a piece of shit and a terrible husband and father, but he didn’t get the OP pregnant. I assume she had a consenting part in it too. (If not, then the fact he’s a wanker is the least of her problems).

Show quote history

What do you mean he didn't get the OP pregnant? It was his sperm that fertilised her.

If he hadn't wanted the end result of sex to be a baby he should have taken precautions, and he didn't.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 18/09/2023 16:36

why did you pack your bags? Pack his and tell him to get the hell out if he doesn't want to act like a grown up, husband and parent ... all things he is supposed to be.

mathanxiety · 18/09/2023 16:36

He has checked out of the marriage and out of parenting.

To be frank, you should have noticed rest he can only count to One when he basically abandoned you after your CS three years ago.

A man who only realizes what major abdominal surgery means for the patient when his mummy goes through surgery is a man who is not mature enough to marry, let alone co-parent with. He's showing no signs whatsoever of growing up. He has made this pregnancy all about him and his feelz. He will again be useless and essentially a burden to you when the baby arrives because he can't get over himself and put someone else first.

Take a huge, deep breath. Start understanding narcissism.

Make plans to formally end this marriage.

Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:37

Katiehod · 18/09/2023 15:39

This situation sounds really tough, sorry you're going through it.

I'd probably consider whether I wanted to stay in the marriage but I understand everyone's circumstances differ. Hopefully you have a good wider support network. I'd also consider self referring to the local perinatal mental health team in your area for support pre/post birth especially considering your difficult social circumstances.

Edited

I actually self referred at 4 weeks after this started for the first time. I didn't want to out my kids through that again. Having a zombie mum

OP posts:
Original poster
MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 16:38

AgnesX · 18/09/2023 16:00

Contemptible arse. As if you did it all in your own🙄

Other than to give him his marching orders I'm not sure what else you can do. He's the one who needs to get himself sorted out.

Agree. Such a mess isn't it.

OP posts: