Why do they say marriage is hard?

[plehpleh]

We have been married 2.5 years with a 20mo. Can I please ask why people say marriage is hard?

Is it something that becomes harder as you mature and change as people? Is it supporting each other though some of life's hardest times, like illness and loss of parents?

I'm genuinely am not trying to say we're perfect, only that we're only 2 years in and it's been wonderful so far and I'm wondering what the triggers are to make it harder down the line. Or do you not agree that marriage is hard?

I should say that I mean this question of people who feel they are well suited to each other, rather than those who feel that perhaps they shouldn't have gotten married or realised down the line that they were not suited to each other.

Making less effort or taking each other for granted. More stress. Health problems. Many reasons.

I’ve never understood it either.

Your partner should be your sanctuary. People shouldn’t have to ‘work hard’ at a relationship.

My line has always been-if you need to work at a relationship it's not a relationship worth having.

Add more kids into the mix, the ups and downs of life, financial worries, stress, all sorts of things. There may be periods where you feel disconnected from each other, bored and resentful. Over a lifetime I think most people, happy or not, will say that marriage has been hard at times.

Time changes things. Circumstances change and you change as people. Things that didn't bother you about someone, may start to grate on you over time.

Because after 20 years, even if they are completely brilliant and you love them to bits, even the smallest irritating habit can amplify so the point you want to stab them in the eye with a pointy thing. And that's even if you fundamentally get on very well.

Health worries, money worries, challenging teens, general exhaustion with age.

Almost 20 years married and I would say these are the things that have caused us issues over the years.

Definitely don’t regret marrying him, but in 20 years we’ve had lots of good times and a few challenging times.

Marriage is watching someone you love slowly turn into someone you despise.

This is the honeymoon period. When work stresses, kids, health, and just general life get in the way, everyone is tested.

Approximately 50% of marriages now end in divorce.

I can see how this might happen even now 😂

Oh you sweet summer child.
mind you, you've got off to a good start if having a baby hasn't given you any pause.

Yea, and I wonder about this statistic. I went to 8 weddings this year. Just looking at all the happy couples and how much they spent on these insane weddings and knowing that 50% of them will not be parted by death but by divorce is so jarring.

I think it is more that life can be hard sometimes, so if you share your life with someone you will be sharing the bad times, as well as the good. Bereavement, job losses, ill health can all be tough blows and supporting one another when one or both of you are in the depths of despair can be hard. Although for me it would be harder to face it without my DH.

That sounds very smug. Hubris is followed by nemesis.

Over a marriage lasting twenty-five years there have been times of financial hardship, times of being worried about the children and about elderly parents, times of ill health and a patch when changes in our individual circumstances meant that we really found each other very difficult to live with. There have also been times when I have found other people attractive, which has made the business of commitment pretty hard work.

This is with a partner who is a good person, who I am essentially well suited to. We've had a comfortable house to live in, and the health problems, worries about the children etc have been very much within the range of what's 'normal'.

Plus, he’s my safe space, when everything is going wrong, he’s where I can be 100% honestly and raw with him. Mostly that’s fine and he picks me up, the problem comes when he’s having a bad time too and we’re both 100% us, those days although few and far between are tricky, he can’t pick me up if he’s down and vice versa.

Oh yes, I know, it's all very fresh still! No, my husband has been wonderful through a very stressful postpartum experience and we feel more connected than ever. BUT, we're only 20 months into that too, we haven't been tested but a teenager or by multiple kids yet.

Well, my marriage wasn't great to begin with but....

We were together for 22 years and it that time:
We moved house four times
We lost 3 grandparents
MiL died
My sibling died
We had two kids
I got made redundant twice
We discovered our children are autistic
Covid and lockdown

These things change you as a person, never mind your relationship.

With all due respect, I think your response reflects more on how you feel about the topic than how I phrased it. I know I'm in the honeymoon period (as PP has said) and im wondering about what stage could be next once the glow wears off.

Nearly two decades together and yes some bits here and there are hard but vastly overall it's not hard.

What you don't want to end up doing is getting resentful over small irrelevant things.

My small advise is make sure you define what you both expect from each other. Obviously room for negotiation, but say you have children and return to work make sure before you have a child or another that if you won't be able to do all sick days that you both agree these things need to be divided.

Just make sure in advance you are both on the same page. Do you want to go on a big holiday or home improve?

Who needs the next new car most?

Are you both going to be provided for in pension contributions?

Talk things out and come to a fair agreed, don't just assume and then get resentful it wasn't what you thought was going to happen.

Well life is long innit.

It’s hard not to piss each other off as the decades roll on, those charming little quirks can become murder inducing.

But also being hit by money worries, ill health, child trouble, caring for parents, stressful jobs, no job… it all takes it’s toll and can pull you apart as you both fight your separate bits of the battle

Plus the fact that people change a lot over decades, and even if you don’t grow completely apart, you may not be as compatible as you once were

Plus you can fall into a dull rut

And then there’s the old wandering eye.

I think you do have to work at marriage in so far as you have to make time for each other even when there are a lot of other demands on your time.

Haha agreed! I'm sure some marriages are easier than others. I'm happily married to a good man but even I find the concept of living with the same person for 50 years or whatever rather wearing. I suppose I'm someone who needs my own space and having to consider another person in every single decision I make is tough. For us, the good outweighs the bad, but that doesn't mean there are no negatives.

Oh my, you are naive!

Teenagers
Money
Ill health
Menopause
The daily grind
Bereavement
Loss of self

The list goes on

We’ve been married for 33 years, got married at 23, I don’t think marriage is hard all the time, if it is then you shouldn’t be together. We truly love each other and he’s my best friend but life throws things at you and you have to cope- bereavement, money and job worries, illness, children issues. There’s no way you can be with someone all that time, go through all those issues and sometimes not feel like it’s all hard work.

Friend (got married very young by modern norms) says that for about first 8 yrs (or so) of her marriage, she used to marvel that divorce ever happened. She couldn't understand how ... it was so alien to her experience. Not that her marriage was blindingly perfect but they worked thru issues to arrive at what seemed like mutually positive solutions, she felt so fulfilled, they got along so well, etc.

Of course 8 more yrs later... her H . turned out to be a weasel selfish lying cheating git. It took a long time for her to grieve what she thought she had.

Because it is ? You are still in the honeymoon phase. You have good chances of making it long term. All the best op.