Why do they say marriage is hard?

[plehpleh]

We have been married 2.5 years with a 20mo. Can I please ask why people say marriage is hard?

Is it something that becomes harder as you mature and change as people? Is it supporting each other though some of life's hardest times, like illness and loss of parents?

I'm genuinely am not trying to say we're perfect, only that we're only 2 years in and it's been wonderful so far and I'm wondering what the triggers are to make it harder down the line. Or do you not agree that marriage is hard?

My partner of 16 years left me for another woman. He's 48, she's 31. He left a beautiful family home, two teens, and me and I'm beautiful (above his station in looks ). I'm also financially independent with my head screwed on.

He will come up with a list of reasons why we don't get on anymore. Reasons in my mind we could have worked at. Those differences he now cites is what he like about me in thre first place. We had a lot of tough times like unemployment, troubled child rearing and he was an alcoholic.

I never dreamed he would leave me or have a year long affair. I never stood a chance with her involved. He will probably have another family now. He can start again. Whereas my biological age for children is almost over.

Life happens. I no longer believe in the ever after. Sometimes the pull is so great for them - they just want out.

I'm bitter and sad but honestly, I've got my kids and my health and that's all that matters.

I don’t think that has anything to do with it.

My DH had severe clinical depression after the suicide of his business partner and his subsequent bankruptcy followed by the death of his father with whom he had a complex relationship. He completely changed and was not the person I married anymore. We have adjusted and after
our other issues we have settled in a new way but it has been really hard. Sometimes life changes people and you can’t predict that.

We have considered divorce several times as we haven’t always modeled good relationship behaviour to our DD and have been concerned if we are doing the right thing. But we have worked at it and come
out the other side (so far).

I hope your smugness doesn’t bite you on the arse one day!

Oh, and another thing, the 'secret to a happy marriage '. IMO there is no secret, you just have to marry the right person in the first place.

Not married but 13 years together. And it's fairly easy.

But we have no kids. We can do what we like most of the time. We are winding down working lives, fortunate enough to semi retire (which we did pre covid) and like being around each other most days as both work from home.

So I'd not say marriage is hard. But having kids probably had the biggest impact and side effects of lack of money and time etc.

I'm not sure I would say that my marriage is "hard work" but it has taken for both of us to actively want to communicate, understand each other and compromise.
I imagine if one partner gives up on that it would be very difficult.

I also think having similar values and a commitment to helping each other achieve their dreams and goals iisa good starting point.

Time has brought challenges, and we have had hard patches. Grieving a shared loss differently, financial hardships and mental health struggles have all put a strain on the relationship at the time.

Some relationships have to deal with the likes of infidelity or addiction. I have no experience of dealing with those in a relationship but you read about people whose husband's have gambled away their life savings or are having emotional affairs and I can certainly see how that marriage would be very hard.

It's easy to sail in a ship in calm waters, pretty much anyone can do it.
It's navigating the unexpected and unpredictable storms that tests the strength of the ship and the communication skills of the crew.

I don't really understand this point of view. Supporting someone who is ill or desperately unhappy or grieving, or who's just lost their job is hard work, whether you are married to them or not. Marriage (or love) isn't some miraculous thing that makes it easy. In fact, I think it's harder to cope with someone else's problems when you love them and live with them and their problems have a significant impact on your own life.

A nice thing about a good marriage is that you have someone to rely on, who can love and support and care for you when things are hard, and who will love you even when you are being an unreasonable cow. But that also means that there are times when you will be doing the support and caring for your spouse, and loving them through their unreasonable behaviour.

@alwaysmovingforwards that's a perfect way to put it and I think many people lose interest these days if a storm brews up

I'm also of the mind that the whole point of a relationship is for it to be easy, for it to make life easier. Enough of life is hard work already and adding a relationship over which I have full agency to that seems very self-defeating. Being single was easy and enjoyable; the standard a relationship has to reach for me to remain in it is that it has to be as easy and enjoyable as that.

There's also a difference between going through health shit, job shit, general life shit together, which can all be very difficult, and feeling like the relationship itself is hard work.

It's been over a decade with DP and the best thing about the relationship, better than any of the passion or butterflies at the beginning, is that it has always felt so easy. Granted, we're child-free... but I look at all the stories of how having kids wrecks your relationship and think, maybe that was the mistake then. I have no interest in wrecking something I enjoy.

I agree with this. The testing times for us over our thirty years together have when there have been challenges where we haven’t always been at our respective bests - the easy times are a doddle.

haha I liked the sweet summer child from game of Thrones ref! But I did not know it would be hard when I started off, I was young and excited, so OP needs to be cut some slack.......I hope you only have a few tiny bumps, that is the very best you can hope for, its not perfect....and women are sold this dream on fairytales......it is because life is long and problems come up, always small ones, and hopefully not big ones, as big ones are devastating and can ruin a marriage. If a marriage is running into problems, you are both expected to stick with it by everyone else and yourself....

There's more to marriage than just your relationship. There's home ownership (or the lack of), children (ditto), money, families, work and career conflicts. They are what makes marriage hard work. Your relationship is the easy bit.

Ummmm...most people felt at the time they were well suited I guess but people change and grow and life happens. Children, job losses, new jobs, houses, illness, parents , teen children. It can all be a nightmare at times 😂

Because after a while passion fades . Sex can get boring and a lot of men ( not all ) find it hard to resist sex from another source . A lot of women get ground down juggling household chores, and a job and become resentful. Money can get tight which puts a strain on a couple . You have to make the time and effort to talk to each other meaningfully, not letting resentment fester and put in effort to keep the sexual spark alive . Remembering birthdays, anniversary's and saying I love you and thank you .

I'd say that one of the 'secrets' is giving each other plenty of space.

Too much intimacy is suffocating and boring. You end up limiting one another. Yes, you need time to do stuff as a family and not keep rushing past each other.

But pursuing your own individual interests and friendships is important too.

Or just allowing each other regular time to read, and think and be solitary.

Otherwise the relationship becomes a kind of prison.

Marriage isn't hard, it's the shit that life throws at your marriage that's hard!

You don't have 50yrs of marriage. You have consecutive 7yr relationships with the same person. Scientifically, every cell in your body is replaced every 7-10yrs, but there's a philosophy that you also change/grow as a person because of that.

The secret is changing with each other.

C1NC "Marriage is watching someone you love slowly turn into someone you despise."

interesting, I recently dated someone half my age and could sort of sense what he'll be like in 20 years. I get a lot of women IRL telling me their DH is awful, I just know what to say when people start on that.

I agree with this 100%! I absolutely could not stay married if I didn't have time to myself and space to pursue my interests. DH and I love spending time together but also allow each other time to do things outside the relationship/family. For example, DH has a hobby he does once or twice a week which I fully encourage. It's very good for his physical and mental health. I like to go and see live music and catch up with friends.
I remember when I was with my ex how he seemed to resent me doing anything without him and felt it was selfish. I felt so suffocated. I did feel like it was a prison and like I couldn't be me. After that experience I vowed never to restrict my next partner or make him feel like he couldn't live the life he wanted (obviously within reason!).
I have a married friend who seems extremely sad should her husband ever go out with his mates. She kind of wells up and says "But I'll have to eat dinner alone!" as if that's some great tragedy. I love eating dinner alone!

Agree with both these comments.

Yes, I think this sums up well what a lot of us have been saying in so many of the posts.

'For far too long I've had nothing new to show to you'.

Marriage gets harder when you have shared all of yourself and everything novel in your relationship is a shared experience, especially if those experiences are no longer positive. The 'work' involves digging under the shared difficulties and irritations to find the core of who you both were, and are, and using that to help you pull together to overcome said difficulties and irritations.

I don't know if it's just semantics but I think this is where I am confused by some posts. I think that marriage is the relationship, and that all those other things are life going on, and that they may affect the relationship but that those things happening aren't marriage being hard in and of itself. They're life being hard.

But the hard things in life can affect the marriage and create challenges that are hard to navigate.

@SallyWD I totally agree- I'm always a bit baffled at those who love these 24/7 relationships. I could work from home but I don't as my H does (and we work in same business owned by ourselves ) and lockdown was quite enough for me 24/7. Made me feel like a couple of pensioners- boring dull ones at that- in our late 50s