Why do they say marriage is hard?

[plehpleh]

We have been married 2.5 years with a 20mo. Can I please ask why people say marriage is hard?

Is it something that becomes harder as you mature and change as people? Is it supporting each other though some of life's hardest times, like illness and loss of parents?

I'm genuinely am not trying to say we're perfect, only that we're only 2 years in and it's been wonderful so far and I'm wondering what the triggers are to make it harder down the line. Or do you not agree that marriage is hard?

Hard things happen. That doesn't mean that the relationship is hard.

I've never understood the whole marriage is hard thing either. We've been together 20 years and have always found it quite easy.

There has been stressful times of course with family, work, kids etc but our marriage has always been the easy bit/ the safe space.

14 years married here. So far my experience has been that we've had hard times such as work stress, financial stress, two children with health issues, we've both had periods of suffering with our mental health and keeping the romance alive when you're bogged down with work, household stuff etc. on the whole though I don't think our marriage itself is hard work, just the stuff we've been through. We're very much on each other's side and dh is a true partner, we get through things together and I'm very grateful for that.

I would have agreed with you for a long time. I married in my late teens and been married nearly 30 years and have had enough of doing the same shit over and over again. It was good for 15 or 20 years. When teens have finished their exams I am out of here and never looking back.

I’ve been married 32 years. We have two adult children. We had hard times when we were first married but due to money not our relationship. Having a child with SEN hasn’t been a breeze. BUT our marriage has never been hard. Maybe I was just lucky in the man I fell in love with and married.

Life is hard, and that will impact your marriage:

Ill health
mental health issues
The impact of children on your relationship
Bereavement
job loss
international moves
financial concerns
lack of communication
wanting different things
differing standards and expectations
affairs and cheating
A sense of imbalance on contribution or personal time

come back to us in 18 years and let us know how you’ve got on.

Even with friends who are ‘happily married’ there are issues and concerns. You’ve got to be willing to try to work through issues and catch them early enough that they don’t build to bigger problems.

This - and I say that as a happily married person

Putting up with someone else's shit over a long period of time is hard, even if you love them.

Love, friendship, compromise and try not to kill each other. Apart from that it's easy. We are 35yrs married.

perhaps it will be a controversial opinion, but I dont think marriage should be hard. Life can be hard. Circumstances can be hard - but if I felt it was my marriage that was "hard" then to me it would mean the marriage itself is not worth much. If my marriage was a source of my stress then that's one thing I could easily fix for myself

and im speaking from experience. My first marriage was hard - it was mind-blowing how easy my life became when I got rid of that one problem

I'm wondering about what stage could be next once the glow wears off.

That still sounds incredibly naive.

You might have another child and find it's harder to juggle everyone's needs. You may discover that life changes you, and that you start to disagree about something that was never an issue before.
You may get tired or bored.
You may have real troubles.

And if you are lucky, you may survive all this and still be able to be one another's helpmeet

I've been married almost 7 years, together 12, and I have never found my marriage or relationship hard in and of itself - we have never had a relationship threatening argument or any real rough patches, we communicate well and I adore her. Life has been hard sometimes, and we have dealt with some really terrible things externally, but that isn't the same in my mind - we weathered them together and though it sometimes makes us tetchy with each other we always know we have each other's back. But I can see how external issues can become internal issues and sometimes they make you see aspects of your partner that you don't like or recognise and I suppose that can make a marriage hard.

My DH is a difficult person.
I was single until 40, I’d happily be again.
Raising my child alone is an option.
We’re in a rocky patch, right now.
Love is not enough to make this work.

I think life is hard but marriage with the right person can make it much easier to cope with. We’ve had an awful year but my husband has been my rock. 19 years married and 22 years together. He makes my life easier. But, we communicate well.

It’s hard because life.

I couldn’t live with my best friend, have every part of our lives heavily involved with eachother without it being hard at times.

But also, huge things can happen. Job losses, money issues, extended family issues, work issues, housing issues, domestic task issues, bereavement, trauma and so on. Resentment

My marriage became hard because he had a breakdown and refused to seek help. He was too far gone too quickly. He Became paranoid, controlling and dangerous. I had been with him half my life married 13 years. Didn’t see that coming. You can’t plan for that no matter how good the marriage is at the start.

I am with someone else now. Who I love. I wouldn’t ever get back with exh. Even if he got help and got well. But there are times I am desperately sad it worked out that way. I desperately wished it hadn’t.

And also when you have been together along time you change. We all change. Both people change. Chances are you will change at different rates. And sometimes you change in ways that mean you are no longer compatible. You hope you change in ways that are. But you can’t guarantee it.

Define work at tho.
Continue to make the effort to make each other feel special and loved Vs Constantly have to sit down and talk about how the relationship is going and how to fix it.

Both working at it, but v different

I think an awful lot my of marriages are hard and that's why it's such a popular saying. My first certainly was.

My second marriage is still going strong after 12 years and is stronger than ever. But it hasn't always been easy either. We're both decent people (I believe) and even at our lowest moment our relationship has never experienced a lack of respect or anything terrible. However, we've both had to work at our communication style to stay connected and not fundamentally misunderstand the meaning of certain behaviours. Having learned to do that has been well worth it and deepened our relationship.

I think of us essentially as a strong business partnership where we are both key partners and neither can run the business independently. The bonus is that we're also romantically, intellectually and sexually attracted to each other.

Keeping the emotional/intellectual interest alive is more of the challenge (the respectful and committed business partnership element is actually the easy bit). Doing enough separately to grow as individuals and remain interesting to each other but balancing that with doing enough together to not grow apart and lose the bond can sometimes be tricky, especially when demanding jobs sometimes don't leave enough hours in the day! There's a need for constant vigilance, but that doesn't mean I'm anxious or anything - just regularly 'health checking'.

I hope you have many happy years ahead of you OP.

It's not hard like climbing a high mountain with a backpack full of rocks is hard. It's hard like writing an entry in your diary every single single day for 50 years is hard. So on a day to day level, it's not hard - it's nice. It's eating dinner together and having sex and cuddles, and going out dancing, and talking about what will happen next in your favourite TV show. But that means consistently making choices that allow those nice things to happen. And sometimes those choices can be hard ones, because finding the time and energy to consistently nurture that relationship means taking time and energy away from other possibilities. And sometimes one of you doesn't have the time and energy for that, and the other person is carrying the relationship and feeling lonely and doing their best to support their spouse and make sure that there is still enough togetherness that there is a framework in place for rebuilding the relationship when the crisis is over. Also, desire waxes and wanes over the years, and I don't think anyone in a long term relationship feels consistent and regular lust after 15 or 20 or 30 years.

Basically, it's making sure that as you grow, you grow closer together rather than further apart, and that actually does take determination and sacrifice.

As many others have said, marriage can often be hard because of the things life can throw at you - worries about the children, worries about money, mental health problems, physical health problems, menopause etc.
However, it's not just those things. Even if you're lucky enough to sail through life with no big problems, it can just be a strain to be with that one person for 50 odd years. Twenty or thirty years down the line of course you'll irritate each other at times. You may well take each other for granted. You feel bored with the same old same old. You'll both probably meet and notice attractive people of the opposite sex. I can really understand why 50% of marriages end. Sorry if that sounds depressing but I don't actually think it's a bad thing for people to move on with their lives if the relationship has run it's course.

Disabled child, bereavement, moving house. Aren't they meant to be some of the the hardest things you face that test a relationship?

I think what makes the relationship hard Vs life is commutation. When that breaks down or was never there. When you stop relying on each other to have your back.

@SleepingStandingUp exactly this! All marriages require 'work' imo but this to me just means each person giving time and effort to the relationship to keep it alive. Example - it would be easier for me physically to never bother with dh's occasional foot rubs ever again but he likes them and it makes him feel good / appreciated.

It's easy to take each other for granted and if one party is feeling unappreciated and then something else bad happens I can see how it all starts falling apart.

I've been married for 11 years and can honestly say I haven't found it hard. We're lucky to have no money worries. Two DCs have meant that it's been difficult to enjoy time as a couple though, and we have less time and energy for each other. But I don't feel like we've ever had to work at our marriage. I think we're very compatible with each other, have the same values, and both have the ability to let things slide and not get too irritated over minor things.

You've been married for 2.5 years.
Of course everything is 'wonderful'.

This is a forum occupied by those who are unhappy in their relationships and who are struggling to make those relationships work.

If you get to absorbed in these threads, you will (wrongly) come to the conclusion that unhappiness in relationships is normal.