Why do they say marriage is hard?

[plehpleh]

We have been married 2.5 years with a 20mo. Can I please ask why people say marriage is hard?

Is it something that becomes harder as you mature and change as people? Is it supporting each other though some of life's hardest times, like illness and loss of parents?

I'm genuinely am not trying to say we're perfect, only that we're only 2 years in and it's been wonderful so far and I'm wondering what the triggers are to make it harder down the line. Or do you not agree that marriage is hard?

For me and my marriage, one young child was a bubble. Add a second into the mix and the dynamic totally changed into a huge amount of relentless parenting and it burst

We were still blissfully happy at that stage too. Then we had twins & the kids out numbered us. I have no family around & husband doesn’t get on with his so hasn’t seen them in 20 years so fully on our own. I had to do the sleepless nights (for years with reflux) all kids and house stuff with no support or help whatsoever bar him but then he was working long hours to provide for us as i became a sahm.

it’s hard and we haven’t had a night out in 10 years. I don’t have close enough friends where we live to watch the kids & anyone i know well enough is usually child free at weekends thanks to their parents or in laws and are out themselves so don’t want to watch someone elses. I’m now struggling as i want back to work but childcare would be expensive and he still works long hours or away so isn’t here for the constant drop offs and pick ups with them so we became resentful of each other in that way and i think had we had some help and the odd night out it would have been different for us but we don’t and it’s hard but life just gets in the way. Our kids were planned but life is not how i imagined it when we got together and when we were young and care free with no responsibilities. Even 12 years ago still good. Not been so great for the past 6 or 7 but we keep trying. Last year he was moving out and we’ve tried to stay together since but it is hard and hard work and draining sometimes and i never expected us to end up how we have and honestly don’t know if we’ll make it. We’ve been married over 16 years

Over time life and circumstances change you. It's about whether you can weather the storm together and grow and adapt with it. If not you'll grow apart and it won't work.

People stuck together more in the past because the life expectancy was a lot lower and divorce was more frowned upon/ people were more religious and so divorce was taught to be somehow “wrong”.
I’ve been with my husband since I was 18 and after 23 years he’s still the one I want to be with forever, but I’m not naive enough to think that this is something to ever take for granted. In fact I think the second you do, it’s the beginning of the end. You both have to work to keep the magic going.
Absolutely no judgement from me if a relationship fails for any one reason, it happens. If you’re very lucky, you will be on the planet for a reasonable amount of time - some people won’t settle for content, they want to be happy at all times and I don’t think that’s very realistic.

The first post i have thought that has been generated by AI. So little empathy or general life experience.

Beautifully put

Because life is hard, and being married is part of life for many people.

Are you sure that he feels more connected than ever, or is that how you feel after your PP issues (had them myself, I sympathise) and as he hasnt said he doesnt feel the same way, you are assuming he does?

I will never take for granted that someone feels the same way that I do on the basis that they havent said that they dont.

Because life changes, people change, and life isn’t always sunshine and roses. Many people remain happily married, many don’t. For a whole variety of reasons

Don't listen to the doom and gloomers, it's easy being married. Though our married we've -
Moved four times.
Had financial hardship including near bankruptcy.
Three children.
Two dogs.
Job losses.
Business failure.
Death of parents and sibling.
Being married has made all those things easier to cope with, not harder. Married 27 years.

Marriage is hard because life happens and life is hard.

I'm married 20 years+ and I love my husband very much. We have learned to give and take and to create space for each other but it requires a lot of compromise to work.

Two years and no kids is not long enough to learn this.

Because stuff happens and many people do change in order to cope with the 'stuff that happens'

There's a reason a period of discontent often crept in around 7 years- that's because things can start to rear their head around that point and you are no longer in the 'fresh and new ' stage

I may also be hopelessly naive compared to those with long marriages but we've been together for 12 years (married for 9) and I don't get it either. In our relationship we've been through serious mental health issues, job loss followed by a career crisis, recurrent miscarriage, the trials and tribulations of raising two small children. None of those were easy but they all were easier than they would have been without DH.

I thought that was very happily married too for a long time. It always used to puzzle me how others didn't manage this idyllic lifestyle. I thought I was pretty easy too.

Turns out my husband had been having it off with one of my friends for years.

In our bed.

While I was out with the kids.

Can I ask how old you are OP?
From your posts it is hard to see if you have had any life experiences that could challenge a marriage.

I've known my husband for 22 years (since I was 12 and he has been my OH since I was 14) we have been married 9 years.
This year has been hard on our marriage due to health issues (we have had bereavements, struggled with unexplained infertility, failed IVF etc, then welcoming our now 4 year old daughter and also having secondary infertility).

My husband out of the blue has been having seizures! The horrible ones... where each time he dislocates his shoulders due to the shear force of the seizure, so diagnosed with epilepsy and also a benign brain tumour which has nothing to do with seizures.
He can't drive, he's now got a fractured shoulder after dislocating it (he had to go under anaesthetic to put it back in place and needs surgery next week for the fracture) he's had these seizure when alone with our daughter....
massive worry and strain, not wanting to cross boarders into carer, not wanting to stop him from being a normal 34 year old man who is an excellent dad to our daughter and still wants to have his alone time/responsibility sharing childcare etc!!
We've cancelled holidays, sold car, had multiple 999 calls and hospital admissions whilst trying to keep it as normal for our daughter as possible!

This kind of thing makes marriages hard!
He's the love of my life, my best friend, he's the best dad I could have asked for our daughter! He works hard!
But im terrified he's going to die! Im scared incase I loose him. We don't want our marriage to change because of epilepsy! We want to continue to have a lovely happy life!!

Because sometimes it is.
Come back in 10 years time with 2 or 3 lots of new baby/toddler sleep deprivation, navigating the teenage years, money struggles, health problems, unemployment, bereavement, work, sex problems, tiredness etc. It really isn't hard to project that these things would put a strain on a relationship. I. Sure it doesn't feel like it, but 1 newish child doesn't come anywhere being the most difficult or stressful time on most couples relationships.

Married 20 years. We’re closer now than we were when we got married. We’ve had traumatic bereavement, money worries, infertility, pregnancy loss, illness, other bits and bobs. Our marriage has made all those things easier.

We’re very different but appreciate that and encourage each other. Lots of ‘doing it for you’ which works both ways. Neither of us are conventional which makes a difference I think. I know lots of people including in my own family who have long happy marriages. I don’t think we’re unusual.

I wouldn’t say you have to work at it but you do have to compromise.

7 years in and second child has just arrived. I used to feel the same as you. Very naive to it all. I'm now starting to understand why people say it is hard. The stress of life can lead you to feel disconnected from your husband. It can be hard work sometimes to ensure you have quality time together. Most the time you are so tired you just want to sit on your phone and enjoy a bit of peace once the children are asleep. That then grows over time and you look up one day and feel like you no longer know your husband. We try and have a small amount of time each day with no phones to catch up a bit. Have a cuddle in bed or on the sofa. Watch a show we like together. Little thing to get us through the young kids years.

It seems like a very naive question, OP!

Surely anyone with a bit of imagination can understand why long-term relationships (which yours isn’t) might come with challenges.

If you’re married to someone you like, as well as love, and you’re fundamentally compatible, you’ll probably weather events just fine.

Life is hard, but if you marry a person who is a support during the hard times, it is good. We are at nearly 25 years and I think it helps that we are realistic. We understand it won’t be constant romance, but it is being a team.

I think you do have to work at marriage in so far as you have to make time for each other even when there are a lot of other demands on your time.

I think this says it all. Any relationship requires some sort of "work" to keep it going, and those who think it doesn't might just find that out the hard way one day down the track. (I'm not referring to you OP, but there have been some rather smug replies to your question).

Ive been married 9 and have 2 kids i dont think its hard work with the right person

Each of us has challenges within ourselves. If someone doesn't address whatever his or her troubles are in life, but chooses to hide from them, they can start to lose themselves-- to feel disappointment, or feel stuck.

At that moment, they can turn to another person as a way of finding some part of themselves they have lost, or they can become depressed/ anxious/ petty. I think there are times of transition in life when these issues can unexpectedly catch a marriage and twist it so the people forget their love for one another.

I think the 50s are a challenging time- empty nests, parents ill and dying, body and health changing, hormonal changes, confronting one's own mortality. A beloved spouse can change, and also one can realise that the beloved spouse is actually not who he/she appeared to be...

Marrying the right or wrong person in my opinion

I think life can be hard, but marriage, if you are lucky enough to get it right, helps you through the hard bits.

I think life being hard and marriage being hard are two different sets of issues. Like any relationship, marriage needs work - however, a good marriage shouldn't feel like super hard work, what is the point if it does?

take money troubles for example - not having enough money would be an issue whether you're married or single. Spouse losing a job is often due to external factors, not always something we can control. In this case there is no point taking it out on each other, but both sides should work on figuring out how to combat this problem.

Now - if the money issues are a direct result of your spouse being lazy, shady, bad with money etc. then it's not "life being hard", but your spouse making it hard. For me that's the point where I say "fuck that", because it means that this person is using you / working against you and to me its pointless trying to keep them around.

To me, if it starts to feel like your spouse is a lead ball attached to your ankle, constantly dragging you down, then it's time to cut them lose.