Why do they say marriage is hard?

[plehpleh]

We have been married 2.5 years with a 20mo. Can I please ask why people say marriage is hard?

Is it something that becomes harder as you mature and change as people? Is it supporting each other though some of life's hardest times, like illness and loss of parents?

I'm genuinely am not trying to say we're perfect, only that we're only 2 years in and it's been wonderful so far and I'm wondering what the triggers are to make it harder down the line. Or do you not agree that marriage is hard?

I’m not married, but I’ve been with my OH for 9 years, we have a 2yr old and I’m pregnant. We would be married if it weren’t for Covid (not got around to rescheduling it). Having a kid has been hard, I don’t think being married would make any difference one way or another but I guess maybe your question extends to life long partnerships rather than just those who choose to say ‘I do’? I don’t know the answer but….As you get older life gets more serious, people get ill, responsibilities pile up and whilst there is hopefully still lots to enjoy, in my experience the last few years of our relationship have not been hard because of each other, but rather because life has just got harder. I can see how those pressures might expose any small weakness in a relationship though.

Marriage is hard because you're two completely different people who are navigating life's challenges together. Two different people who have their own families, friends and interests that intertwine.
That's never going to be plain sailing.
You have to compromise, you have to support the other.
Some find that easier than others! Doesn't necessarily reflect the strength of the marriage.

Nobody is perfect. Living with someone else for the rest of your life means that they are going to do some things that annoy you. And it’s frustrating knowing that you can’t get annoyed AT them because it’s only something petty and they aren’t very going to bloody change anyway.

We’ve been together 15 years. It’s hard now. We’ve been through so much together, having a child with disabilities, losing parents to cancer, cutting contact with relatives, disabilities and health needs ourselves. It’s been relentless and exhausting and I don’t think either of us have much more to give in terms of romance, understanding etc. The early days are very rosy in comparison.

Almost 30 years married here and it’s definitely had its ups and downs - children, financial pressures, bereavements, ill health, stresses at work, general disagreements about the minutiae of daily life…you navigate it together but life is difficult at times and that presents challenges that can test you.

I think sometimes it’s not the actual relationship that’s hard but the outside influences that are thrown into the mix which can make things hard eg bereavement, illness, anxiety, teenagers, unemployment.

all these things can change a persons mental capacity which makes life in general hard which can impact on a relationship.

also being married for 2 years you should still be in the honeymoon phase.

What are you on about? The second your relationship requires effort you write it off?

Marriage has definitely made our lives easier, not harder. But we took things very slowly before marriage to ensure we were fully compatible, trusted each other, respected each other etc. We are literally soulmates and are fully in tune with the other. No big arguments, no dramas.

@Sometimeswinning "What are you on about? The second your relationship requires effort you write it off?"
Why not? Our lives might require effort-but our relationship shouldn't.

It all depends on the people in the relationship, if that dynamic works and you work well together then it would be easier. You should be able to support each other and depend on one another.

If however you end up like me, get married and have children under the impression it was a good dynamic only for the other to turn out abusive then it's anything but easy and every aspect of life is chaotic, there's no support or the other to depend on just constant drama.

People change. I’m not the same care free, happy go lucky person I was 20 years ago. We’ve not always been on the same page and had some bad times. It’s not been easy. But we’ve never once thought ah fuck it. Too much like hard work.

The thing I struggled most with was a feeling like I'd lost myself a bit. Having to think of everyone else for such a long time. We've had problems with alcohol due to work stress, miscarriage, loss of a parent and problems with siblings being nasty over the years. A feeling of no support network so we felt the strain. Yet, we pulled together and weirdly we came through and really worked as a team. We still argue but things are ok at the minute. The difficult part also was pregnancy and the aftermath. I didn't feel attractive and I did feel like he was distant. We sometimes talk about it and he knows now how upsetting I found it. I am glad that we aren't having anymore DCs. I didn't enjoy the baby years, it was so hard. Now he's making lots of sacrifices so I can retrain. We have had illness too. He was very very ill when our second child was born and I nearly died this year. Luckily still fighting together. The future is so uncertain but I'd like to think we can keep going and be happy. I hope you'll be happy too OP.

Been married 40 years in November, and yes it's been bloody hard work! Babies, kids teens, financial worries,redundancy, ill health, elderly parent care, and generally life's ups and downs, meant it was tough going at times. But through it all I never doubted for one second that I'd made the wrong choice, that doesn't mean I couldn't have throttled him now and then though lol.

I agree with you. I don’t want a relationship that feels like effort. I don’t agree that because life can be hard that means marriage or a relationship is hard. Everyone, married or single, will experience bereavement at some point, and many will also have issues with mental and physical health, money, kids etc. relationship status has no bearing on that. A relationship worth being in should make those things easier to withstand.

I’m of the mindset though that a “forever” relationship is an unrealistic expectation. Neither me or my partner can guarantee we will always be in love and want to be together. If we do end up making it til we’re 90, fantastic - but we have to both be actively wanting and choosing it. At the moment we are, and while it’s only been 2 years we’ve literally never argued, it’s never felt like effort or even compromise. We just slotted perfectly into each other’s lives. If it stops feeling like that then yes, I’d rather end a relationship that’s run it’s course than “work” to try and regain something that’s fizzled out.

In the 9 years we have been married we have:

Moved house 5 times (2 rentals, 3 purchases)
Had a baby
DH went bankrupt and related to that our income went down by 75%
DH had a complete career change
A pandemic
6 family deaths inc FIL
My DDad had a stroke

Yes it has been hard work, we haven’t had 5 mins of any peace or any normality. Stressful as fuck, it is very hard to have time for
each other when your world keeps imploding.

I've had to "work" at friendships never mind marriage - listen to a friend's breakup (again) or complaints about their boss when I really didn't want to - and they will have had the same with me I'm sure.

Because when you live with someone through thick and thin, sickness and health, through times when money is tight or debt is big, or stress and worry are big, and all the other things that affect you through life, are affecting you, you become irritable and angry. It is difficult to live with someone when you are irritable and angry. That is the same for your sibling or your parents or your dc. You love them beyond question, but it doesn't mean that you like being with them ALL the time, even when you, or indeed even when they are very stressed or upset and acting out of sorts.
Unless you live in some sort of stately home with your own separate suites of rooms, most people still have to spend time with and share space with someone they might not be liking that evening or that hour or that month. Until you live with someone, you don't realise that that thing they do, which is very normal to them is intensely irritating to you (and, most likely visa versa).
It can be hard, at various times because you can't just walk away and have a bit of space for a few days like you can when a friend is irritating you.
Over 60 years both of you will have times when you are under strain - all the things other people have listed - and you have to work out your own ways of resolving differences and coping with the things you can't change. If you can do that, your relationship will grow and be stronger. If you can't, then the relationship is not as strong and might break down. But I don't believe any couple that have been together through a long marriage can say they've never had their differences.

Being able to work through differences is a sign of a strong partnership, not a weak one.

It’s not meant to be hard OP. I’ve always said this. If your relationship feels like work you’re in the wrong relationship. Mine has never felt hard. What’s hard I guess is putting the work in to make sure you don’t take them for granted, but the relationship itself should be the easiest thing ever.

I'd say it's hard because ultimately you can't control the other person. If you are both working together in life, great, but there's no guarantee that the other person will continue to do so. Then what? Life happens and throws up differences of opinion, some of which are easier to deal with than others, and flag new aspects of each other's personalities.

I think it can be great if you have a good and fair partner.

Things that make it hard.

Not having enough money.
Frivolous spending.
Vices like drinking, gambling, drugs,
Sulking moody spouse who always has to have their way.
Spouse who leaves all the cooking, cleaning, child care, mental load to the other.
Spouse who expects the other to clean up after them.
Lazy and selfish.

Two years?!

This thread doesn’t apply to you. Sorry to be blunt, but… 🤷🏻‍♀️

I work at / put effort into my friendships, my family, my kids, my job - basically everything that is meaningful and important to me. Why wouldn’t I do the same for my marriage?

Life is so incredibly busy right now - full time jobs, two young teens with busy lives of their own that need facilitating, friends, family, a home, a DH that travels a lot. DH and I are best friends, but we’re also often ships that pass in the night, because of the way our life is right now.

Gosh, we never argued either, two years in! This is hardly some stamp of success - this is baseline normal for a
mutually satisfying relationship, i.e. the only sort that should progress past dating.

We rarely argue now - but yes, we absolutely do have to make an effort to make time for each other and the health of our relationship - to talk and (meaningfully) connect - just like we do for every other aspect of our lives that’s important to us.

Because it’s so, so easy for things to inadvertently fall by the wayside when life is happening all around you.

In addition to the things like habits becoming irritating over time, that many posters have mentioned, there are a lot of people with 'issues' that are brought into the marriages. 1 in 4 are insecurely attached, a sizeable minority have personality disorders, a sizeable minority are neuro diverse, 1 in 4 suffer from a mental health problem at some point. All these can bring difficulties into a marriage. This is without money worries, job insecurity, grief, illness, stress, tiredness etc etc.

Oh yay! Good for you. Don't start looking for problems if you're enjoying each other. Life will give you them for free!

My sib has a gorgeous marriage. Wouldn't work for me but it works for them and it really does work. They're super cute. They want to be in each others company. Their kids are loved and loving.

If you feel it's going off kilter, talk to your partner. If they engage and treat your concerns seriously and help solve it, you're grand. If they dismiss you and leave you feeling alone in the marriage welcome to the crappy club you never wanted to join. Doesn't sound like you've got that though, so don't lose sleep over it. Enjoy what many of us wish we'd found x

@plehpleh

You are two years in, still in the honeymoon euphoria stage.

You had the wedding of your dreams, people threw money at you, you probably had an amazing honeymoon. You tried for a baby and were successful - yay! Then the baby was born - double yay!! People marvelled at the baby, they threw more money at you, you maybe had a christening. Your baby did all the first things they do like talking, walking - you marvelled at the baby.

All in all it’s been a heady 2 years of wins.

Baby scenario may be on repeat a few years. Wait until about year 5-7 when the drudgery sets in. Usually when the youngest goes to nursery. There are no more exciting events where you feel like film stars, people no longer marvel and neither do you most of the time. The kids are expensive and exhausting. The school puts never ending homework and PTA pressure on. There are work stresses, money issues on and off that you’ll quarrel about, you’ll be so knackered sex might be hard to come by. Parents will start to become infirm and demand tonnes of time or die and then you’ll have to go to therapy and definitely won’t want to have sex.

At times you will look at your husband and wonder what on Earth you were thinking and how you can’t stand it anymore. At others you will feel rejuvenated and giddy.

It’s just the way it is. Real life. Not film star life like at the beginning.

Most of it is trying to get through the monotony of shit to be done and remaining communicative.

Sometimes compromises have to be made and it can breed resentment. So I have known couples relocate, have more children than planned, have money issues and all sorts.

People can support each other but in times of awful stress peoples behaviour can change. I am almost 25 years wed and almost 27 years together. We had one rough patch. I had two very close bereavements 12 weeks within each other and had to sort out both estates and funerals, DH did assist but they were my family and as much as he really got on well with them and also loved them it wasn’t the same. The grief made me in to a different person for a while. I was in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. If we hadn’t loved each other quite so much the marriage would not have survived.