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Original poster

Secretly cross dressing husband

371 replies

Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 06:21

Please can I have some advice. I've been with my DH 13 years. Near the start, I was reading something about cross dressing and I said to him, I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me as I won't be OK with it.

After a couple of years I went away with work. I happened to see his Amazon account and the day I left, he ordered some hold ups. I assumed they were for me (I did used to wear them sometimes including for sex at times) but he never gave them to me. I ended up asking him and he was all vague like he didn't know where they ended up, but I never saw them.

Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise. I nearly threw up. It had tights, knickers, nail polish in there. I managed to convince myself he had done it as a trap for me to stop me snooping around (as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out). Probably stupid of me. Anyway a while later I looked again and there was also a little skirt and a long wig added to the collection. I feel so sick even writing it down. So obviously not just a trap.

We have since moved house and these things seem to have vanished. However he has 2 packs of hold ups in the bedroom. Just in his top drawer under one thing. I feel like he wants me to find them or why wouldn't he hide them better?

I feel like I don't want to have sex with him again. Which then leads to do I want to be married to him? We have 1 DC and I have 2 older DCs he brings up with me and a very happy family. He is my best friend. But I am very repulsed by what I found.

What does anyone think?

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 22/09/2023 08:39

The thing with cross dressing is it doesn’t “go away”, he will always do it in secret. You can sweep it under the rug like most marriages, the old “ignorance is bliss “ thing. It’s a bit like marrying a vegetarian and getting angry at him when he eats vegetables, then sending him to therapy to get “fixed” so he can start eating burgers. Not happening.

beastlyslumber · 22/09/2023 09:06

Sadface231 · 22/09/2023 08:18

He is having a breakdown now... hasn't eaten and barely slept and can't stop crying. I knew either this would happen or he would get very angry and disappear. I don't know what to do. He said last night he's now willing to get counselling to stop everything going round and round his head. I don't know what sort of counselling to look for? He's also upset that I'm not upset. I feel relieved to get it off my chest but obviously not happy he's reacted so badly.

His reaction strikes me as very manipulative. You're upset, shocked, icked out - but he's the one whose emotions need caring for and pandering to? What about you? Is he supporting you in how you're feeling? Or just making it all about himself? (Bet I can guess...)

Also, why is it your job to find him a counsellor? Can't he look for himself and find someone who suits him? This is yet more emotional burden on you.

Honestly, OP, I would look for a counsellor - for yourself. And check in with the Trans Widows to get a recommendation for someone who won't gaslight you.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 09:11

If you (not him) wants counselling, I have a list of counsellors for trans widows if you want to email me via the trans widows voices website.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 09:13

Sorry that's not very clear, I mean counsellors who won't try and brain wash you into accepting it.

SoundTheSirens · 22/09/2023 09:43

Sadface231 · 22/09/2023 08:18

He is having a breakdown now... hasn't eaten and barely slept and can't stop crying. I knew either this would happen or he would get very angry and disappear. I don't know what to do. He said last night he's now willing to get counselling to stop everything going round and round his head. I don't know what sort of counselling to look for? He's also upset that I'm not upset. I feel relieved to get it off my chest but obviously not happy he's reacted so badly.

He's trying to emotionally blackmail you to stop caring about your own feelings and prioritise him. He'll be expecting you to soothe him, to tell him it's all okay, that you're sorry for upsetting him. Chances are when this manipulation isn't working, he'll switch to the anger and defensiveness.

None of this is making him sound like a stand-up guy, OP. He deliberately withholds information from you about a facet of his sexuality that he knows you abhor, despite having acknowledged he knew exactly what you meant by "don't tell me" (and it wasn't "take me literally and do it behind my back anyway"). He's outright lied to you with a frankly insulting bullshit excuse. Now he's acting like he's the injured party here and trying to manipulate you into ignoring your feelings about all this.

I would honestly be making exit plans at this stage, and ignoring his immature behaviour while I made my preparations to leave.

Panaa · 22/09/2023 09:43

but I am (unlike you, clearly) emotionally and intellectually intelligent enough to understand and appreciate that people have different interests,

@Mrsttcno1
Interestingly, your emotional and intellectual intelligence doesn't extend to understand and appreciate that people also have different turn offs too.

Within a couple they both have their own sexuality and then their combined sex life. If I had a great sex life with a man but found out that he was secretly cross dressing or some other kink that turns me off then that would turn me off the man sexually. That's just how it is. There are many nuances that affect our combined sex life with our partner. There are many things that can turn us off a partner that they do by themselves, in private...so of course kinks that they engage in can have the same effect.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/09/2023 16:24

I thought the view on MN was you can leave anyone for any reason ?? Except it seems when someone has a sexual fetish that's a total turn off !!!

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 16:45

Sadface231 · 22/09/2023 08:18

He is having a breakdown now... hasn't eaten and barely slept and can't stop crying. I knew either this would happen or he would get very angry and disappear. I don't know what to do. He said last night he's now willing to get counselling to stop everything going round and round his head. I don't know what sort of counselling to look for? He's also upset that I'm not upset. I feel relieved to get it off my chest but obviously not happy he's reacted so badly.

It's understandable he has got this upset though really. He basically has a sexual fetish that he feels ashamed about that he knows if he doesn't manage to get rid of he is going to loose his family because you find it repulsive. I mean you find him repulsive. If my partner found me repulsive I'd be pretty upset.

It is what it is really. You can't help how you feel. If you stay together and insist he "gets help" (he doesn't need help for having a fetish for wearing women's clothes) then he'll just go back to hiding it from you or have a continued breakdown about who he is.

I think you either need to end the relationship or find a way of being ok with him having a pretty harmless fetish as long as he keeps it away from your sexual interactions. (If you are repulsed by it that's not easy to do. It is probably best you end the relationship sadly.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 16:51

I'm not sure why we're supposed to feel sorry for him. He's prioritised the mighty boner, and got found out.

MatildaTheCat · 22/09/2023 17:01

OP very gently, stop feeling bad about this. He has kept extremely important information about himself secret from you and now he’s been caught (and remember those many hidden files? You have no idea how much of a tip of the iceberg this is) he’s upset. Fine to be upset but not so fine that you are feeling guilt.

You should be feeling pretty bloody angry. You be been lied to for years and guilted into sex you find repellent.

He needs to sort himself out and honestly it’s hard to see how that happens in the marital home. If he’s acutely distressed he needs medical help.

Look after yourself OP and if you have concerns for his mental health call for the professionals.

GarlicGrace · 22/09/2023 17:06

When I tackled XH1 about his ongoing affair with his secretary, he cried and was sorry; he didn't mean to hurt me. He 'broke down'. It was upsetting to witness. He couldn't help himself, the poor love. His ideal solution was for me to accept this part of his character. He wanted me to agree to the secretary living with us both.

I'm failing to see how this differs from a husband having an ongoing affair with himself in a micro-skirt and a wig.

Begsthequestion · 22/09/2023 17:22

GarlicGrace · 22/09/2023 17:06

When I tackled XH1 about his ongoing affair with his secretary, he cried and was sorry; he didn't mean to hurt me. He 'broke down'. It was upsetting to witness. He couldn't help himself, the poor love. His ideal solution was for me to accept this part of his character. He wanted me to agree to the secretary living with us both.

I'm failing to see how this differs from a husband having an ongoing affair with himself in a micro-skirt and a wig.

Then you are quite dense.

They are nothing like the same scenario. Did you just want to talk about yourself?

OP I'm sorry you're all struggling with this, it must be tough. Perhaps relationship counselling would help you both communicate your needs and wants and where to go from here.

GarlicGrace · 22/09/2023 17:28

Clearly I disagree, @Begsthequestion. AGP is being sexually involved with his self-fantasy as a 'woman'. It's the same mechanism as being sexually involved with another woman. Same concealment, performative remorse, and pleas to accept his very special sexual needs.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 17:28

Then you are quite dense.

They are nothing like the same scenario. Did you just want to talk about yourself?

You are obtuse, take it from somebody who has been in the OP's position, it's very similar.

Begsthequestion · 22/09/2023 17:30

GarlicGrace · 22/09/2023 17:28

Clearly I disagree, @Begsthequestion. AGP is being sexually involved with his self-fantasy as a 'woman'. It's the same mechanism as being sexually involved with another woman. Same concealment, performative remorse, and pleas to accept his very special sexual needs.

Do you understand the difference between a fantasy and real life?

The difference between women's clothing, and a person who is a woman?

Worryingly it seems you do not.

Begsthequestion · 22/09/2023 17:31

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 17:28

Then you are quite dense.

They are nothing like the same scenario. Did you just want to talk about yourself?

You are obtuse, take it from somebody who has been in the OP's position, it's very similar.

So your partner was a cross dresser who also had an affair with a woman?

That's still not anything like OP's situation.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 17:38

No. My husband was a cross dresser. There were similarities in my experience to those of women's whose husbands are unfaithful.

Given you're being told by women who have been in the situation that it's similar I'm not sure what qualifies you to tell us we're wrong?

AdamRyan · 22/09/2023 17:45

Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 16:45

It's understandable he has got this upset though really. He basically has a sexual fetish that he feels ashamed about that he knows if he doesn't manage to get rid of he is going to loose his family because you find it repulsive. I mean you find him repulsive. If my partner found me repulsive I'd be pretty upset.

It is what it is really. You can't help how you feel. If you stay together and insist he "gets help" (he doesn't need help for having a fetish for wearing women's clothes) then he'll just go back to hiding it from you or have a continued breakdown about who he is.

I think you either need to end the relationship or find a way of being ok with him having a pretty harmless fetish as long as he keeps it away from your sexual interactions. (If you are repulsed by it that's not easy to do. It is probably best you end the relationship sadly.

Show quote history

The sad thing is that most women are repulsed by the partner having a fetish. It isn't a common thing that most women are fine with, despite what fetishists hope for.

And I'll stick to what I said upthread- the fact he lied and gaslit her when she found his clothes is totally disrespectful and a sign of an unhealthy relationship. The fact he's now making it all about him is similar.

op these men go through a phase where they promise to stop, get counselling etc. But the fact is he knew it wasn't acceptable to you and did it for years, didn't get counselling then. What's different? I think chances are he'll just start again but try to hide it better.

Original poster
Sadface231 · 22/09/2023 18:01

Thank you again for all the supportive comments. I've read them all and it's very helpful.

I'm not wanting him to get therapy to stop the fetishes? I've never said that. I do think he needs counselling for many reasons.

I don't know if I can ever find him securely attractive again, so this is what I need to think about and work out what next.

He isn't coping well with how his life has turned out.

OP posts:
TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 18:04

I think it's trusting him again that you'll (rightly) struggle with.

Original poster
Sadface231 · 22/09/2023 18:07

To be honest I haven't even included other issues I've had with him lying over the years. I was trying to keep focused on the main current issue. I definitely don't trust him. He said I can look on his phone and laptop (and said there is nothing in the "secret" folder and he doesn't know why it's on there). I said no, because a) I don't want to be doing that and b) I assume he would wipe off anything before he gave it yo me so what does it prove?

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 22/09/2023 18:11

Huh, so here we are and it's all about him again?

Does it ever get to be about you? Ever?

Original poster
Sadface231 · 22/09/2023 18:11

This is true. No I am always last on the list.

OP posts:
Dolores87 · 22/09/2023 18:18

AdamRyan · 22/09/2023 17:45

The sad thing is that most women are repulsed by the partner having a fetish. It isn't a common thing that most women are fine with, despite what fetishists hope for.

And I'll stick to what I said upthread- the fact he lied and gaslit her when she found his clothes is totally disrespectful and a sign of an unhealthy relationship. The fact he's now making it all about him is similar.

op these men go through a phase where they promise to stop, get counselling etc. But the fact is he knew it wasn't acceptable to you and did it for years, didn't get counselling then. What's different? I think chances are he'll just start again but try to hide it better.

Show quote history

I agree about the lying.

But tbh I'm not surprised by it. He has a fetish he is probably pretty ashamed about that he knows his wife will be disgusted by and got discovered. Yeah he should have admitted then and there what they were but I mean, I'm not shocked he didn't.

Tbh getting yourself off in women's clothes is a pretty harmless fetish. People are here talking like he's some kind of sexual deviant and comparing him to an adulter. I find it a bit rediculous.

I mean obviously it gives OP the ick and I don't think she can just get over that. Also she's just said she doesn't trust him and he lies so that's a whole other issue that sounds like she's just better off leaving him.

But as for the fetish itself. I find alot of reactions here really over the top.

TinselAngel · 22/09/2023 18:24

There are so many posters minimising here that I'm starting to suspect some kind of bat signal has gone out.