Secretly cross dressing husband

[Sadface231]

Please can I have some advice. I've been with my DH 13 years. Near the start, I was reading something about cross dressing and I said to him, I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me as I won't be OK with it.

After a couple of years I went away with work. I happened to see his Amazon account and the day I left, he ordered some hold ups. I assumed they were for me (I did used to wear them sometimes including for sex at times) but he never gave them to me. I ended up asking him and he was all vague like he didn't know where they ended up, but I never saw them.

Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise. I nearly threw up. It had tights, knickers, nail polish in there. I managed to convince myself he had done it as a trap for me to stop me snooping around (as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out). Probably stupid of me. Anyway a while later I looked again and there was also a little skirt and a long wig added to the collection. I feel so sick even writing it down. So obviously not just a trap.

We have since moved house and these things seem to have vanished. However he has 2 packs of hold ups in the bedroom. Just in his top drawer under one thing. I feel like he wants me to find them or why wouldn't he hide them better?

I feel like I don't want to have sex with him again. Which then leads to do I want to be married to him? We have 1 DC and I have 2 older DCs he brings up with me and a very happy family. He is my best friend. But I am very repulsed by what I found.

What does anyone think?

It's not your fault; you were perfectly clear.

I totally agree with you.

I'm not maximising it, I'm sharing my expertise based on listening to many, many women who have been similarly affected.

Also based on this experience it's rarely something that harms nobody else. Women are to a greater or a lesser degree usually coerced into participation. Sometimes this is unknowingly because the cross dresser is stealing and using their clothes (invariably it's mothers and sisters first and failing that, washing lines). Sometimes it's knowingly because they are inveigled to participate in sexual practices they do not enjoy.

My agenda in sharing my expertise is to make the OP aware of what else might be going on. I wonder what the agenda is of those who are determined to minimise it?

@TinselAngel In that case you are projecting your own experiences and those you have heard on the OP and her DH.

Many many women “similarly effected” by what exactly? Their husband carrying out their sexual interests in private, with zero involvement, participation or even discussion about it with their partner?

You may have heard those things from other people, but what you need to do is read the OP and respond to what the facts are in THIS instance. The OP has not been coerced into participation in ANY degree, OP’s partner is doing this entirely in secret, he hasn’t even told her he’s interested in it much less tried to have her participate it in any way whatsoever. So your comments on that are absolutely you maximising it, and projecting, that’s not what’s happened here.

And OP isn’t saying he’s using her clothes, she has even said she has found things that she would never wear.

The plain and simple facts from this post is that he is wearing these clothes, in private, hasn’t even told her about it, for his own pleasure. She can feel however she wants to about that, but there is absolutely no argument that what he is doing there is harming anybody else.

I'm sorry your thread has been hijacked OP. To prevent this going any further, I'll not participate in any further discussion of generalities.

I'd tell him you can't be with him sexually until he is completely honest with you. You don't feel respected being lied to, and when he is willing to be completely honest and tell the truth, then come to you. I'd also say you see no future in your marriage if he won't get counselling. That if he wants to keep your marriage, he would do anything, and that means counselling.

Women who have been through this experience KNOW fine well it's far from harmless. OP has already discussed some of the harm she's experienced at the hands of her husband.

My agenda in sharing my expertise is to make the OP aware of what else might be going on. I wonder what the agenda is of those who are determined to minimise it?

SUCH a good question.

Again, in this specific situation, tell me what’s “far from harmless”?

He is buying items himself, to wear himself, secretly, in his own home, privately, for pleasure.

I don’t disagree that there may well be men who push this on their partners, possibly even manipulate their partners into being involved, and in those instances that is very obviously wrong. No question about it, that’s a consent issue.

What’s happening here though is very different to that. It’s entirely private. It’s no different to someone buying a vibrator to use privately in their own time.

Nobody is trying to minimise it, only to point out the actual facts here. He has bought specific items, for his pleasure, which he is using in his own home, privately, without telling anybody. Those are the absolute facts. That’s what’s going on here.

I think there’s a few posters here who should really go and have a good think about why they are so offended by a man doing this privately for his pleasure, when they likely wouldn’t bat an eye lid about a woman using a vibrator for her own pleasure.

I think there’s a few posters here who should really go and have a good think

I've thought about it a great deal. Here's something I co-authored which may be helpful:

www.womenarehuman.com/these-chains-that-have-no-name-interview-with-trans-widows-voices/

The lying, the hiding, the silent treatment, the emotional manipulation... all pretty harmful stuff.

It's not the same as a woman using a vibrator ffs. Dressing as a woman is a paraphilia - it's not just a fancy wank.

You might enjoy it Mr Sttcno1 but this thread isn't about your kinks. Stop shaming a woman for having boundaries in her sexual relationship just because you're too intellectually or emotionally limited to understand the psychological impact of a paraphilia on a partner.

The vast majority of women on this thread have said they would find it disgusting if their partner did this. No one thinks it's disgusting if their partner wanks. Why is that? Because they are two completely different things. One is a normal expression of healthy sexuality. The other is a paraphilia that is creepy and typically involves lying, cheating and abuse.

See your replies make a lot more sense now. You’ve clearly spent a lot of time researching to co-author this article, and there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m sure it’s a great resource for those that need it. HOWEVER, it does mean you’ve spent so much of your time looking into that, that you now see it everywhere you look.

The reality is, that’s not something that’s “highly likely” to happen, it’s a minority of people. It’s not typical, it’s not the norm. And that’s the issue with your argument.

Most people do certain things for sexual pleasure that are for just that, not a change of identity, not anything bigger than simply something to arouse you sexually. Dressing up a certain way, using sex toys, watching porn, are far more likely to simply be for individual pleasure than for any bigger reason.

If you have had a good think about my question, then please answer it. What is the difference between a man wearing certain items in secret, privately, for sexual pleasure (as are the absolute facts here), and a woman using a vibrator privately for her own pleasure?

OP is absolutely entitled to her feelings about this, I have never and will never dispute that. You never have to stay in a situation you’re uncomfortable with for any reason, so if this is a big issue then absolutely leave. I’m not saying otherwise. What I am saying though is that as people we have to own our feelings and reactions to things as our own, not always a reflection of the other person. We are not all meant to be identical, with identical interests, what a boring life that would be!

If you have had a good think about my question, then please answer it. What is the difference between a man wearing certain items in secret, privately, for sexual pleasure (as are the absolute facts here), and a woman using a vibrator privately for her own pleasure?

This has been answered so many times on this thread. Everyone masturbates.

Not everyone cross dresses.

Most women would find it a turn off to find that this is something their DH does, even if he does it in private.

Stop trying to shame women into accepting men's paraphilias.

The lying, the hiding, the silent treatment, the emotional manipulation... all pretty harmful stuff.

As has been previously stated, the lying and hiding, is more than likely because OP specifically told her partner not to ever tell her if he has this interest. Just like I’m sure if the person you loved told you they HATED sex toys and to never tell them if you used one, you wouldn’t leave your vibrator lying on the bedside table or mention to them you’d used one.

It's not the same as a woman using a vibrator ffs. Dressing as a woman is a paraphilia - it's not just a fancy wank.

Both are for individual, private, sexual pleasure.

You might enjoy it Mr Sttcno1 but this thread isn't about your kinks. Stop shaming a woman for having boundaries in her sexual relationship just because you're too intellectually or emotionally limited to understand

I personally have no interest in cross dressing, or really in any “kink”, but I am (unlike you, clearly) emotionally and intellectually intelligent enough to understand and appreciate that people have different interests, and I’m not going to be interested in all of them, I’m not going to want to participate in all of them, but as long as they aren’t harming anyone or forcing my or anyone else’s involvement, it doesn’t affect my life in any way.

Again, read my posts before commenting, I have not and am not shaming OP for having this boundary. I’ve repeatedly said, if this is a big deal for her, absolutely leave. Nobody has to stay in a situation or with a person they don’t feel comfortable with. I’ve said that. If this is a boundary, then absolutely leave.

One is a normal expression of healthy sexuality. The other is a paraphilia that is creepy and typically involves lying, cheating and abuse.

Be careful now, it’s not up to you what is “normal” and “healthy”. And it’s certainly not up to you to decide what is “creepy”. We can all as people feel a certain way about things personally, but that doesn’t mean to say that the other person or thing is to blame. Take responsibility for your reactions to things, they are your own. The world isn’t built to fit in your little bubble of things you’re comfortable with, that doesn’t mean that anything that doesn’t fit inside that bubble is wrong. It’s just wrong for you, nothing wrong with that. There is just as much “lying, cheating and abuse” (in fact arguably much much more) involved in heterosexual relationships with no “kink”.

I shared the article because if you read it you should be able to glean my response to your question. I don't think it's fair for me to pontificate at length about generalities on the OP's thread.

I have read the article @TinselAngel and as I said above, I can imagine it to be an useful resource for those in that situation, and so truly well done on that. However that doesn’t mean it is the case here.

I am also bowing out of the thread now.

OP if you want non judgemental support then please feel free to come over to the Trans Widows thread on FER.

FWR even.

I am (unlike you, clearly) emotionally and intellectually intelligent enough to understand and appreciate that people have different interests

Oh lordy.

Are you also emotionally and intellectually intelligent enough to recognise that you are coming across as a pompous arse to (multiple) women with secretly cross-dressing partners, some of whose partners have massively escalated this over the years until it consumes their whole family life?

This.

Fetish is counter to an intimate, mutual sex life.

Be careful now

Is that a threat?!

OP, come over to FWR where this pornified nonsense doesn't stand.

You can live a lie for a while, perhaps decades, but it will ALWAYS come out in the end. Whether that's a man or woman. It has NOTHING to do with misogny or misandry. It's about unsatisfied impulses.

Massive deflection
She's caught him out, asked him and he's made up an absolute pack of lies. There is no excuse for that at all.

He said the bag of clothes were from when he was with his ex partner who used to make him do that

And he has kept them for 13 years during which time he moved, met you, got engaged and then married? I would be offended he expected me to believe that if I was you.

So now you are at a bit of an impasse op?

and yes, I would find the lying hard to take as well.

He is having a breakdown now... hasn't eaten and barely slept and can't stop crying. I knew either this would happen or he would get very angry and disappear. I don't know what to do. He said last night he's now willing to get counselling to stop everything going round and round his head. I don't know what sort of counselling to look for? He's also upset that I'm not upset. I feel relieved to get it off my chest but obviously not happy he's reacted so badly.