Secretly cross dressing husband

[Sadface231]

Please can I have some advice. I've been with my DH 13 years. Near the start, I was reading something about cross dressing and I said to him, I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me as I won't be OK with it.

After a couple of years I went away with work. I happened to see his Amazon account and the day I left, he ordered some hold ups. I assumed they were for me (I did used to wear them sometimes including for sex at times) but he never gave them to me. I ended up asking him and he was all vague like he didn't know where they ended up, but I never saw them.

Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise. I nearly threw up. It had tights, knickers, nail polish in there. I managed to convince myself he had done it as a trap for me to stop me snooping around (as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out). Probably stupid of me. Anyway a while later I looked again and there was also a little skirt and a long wig added to the collection. I feel so sick even writing it down. So obviously not just a trap.

We have since moved house and these things seem to have vanished. However he has 2 packs of hold ups in the bedroom. Just in his top drawer under one thing. I feel like he wants me to find them or why wouldn't he hide them better?

I feel like I don't want to have sex with him again. Which then leads to do I want to be married to him? We have 1 DC and I have 2 older DCs he brings up with me and a very happy family. He is my best friend. But I am very repulsed by what I found.

What does anyone think?

As an ex professional dominatrix I can confirm that there’s a lot of submissive men that would pay me for scrubbing my toilet cleaning my shelves and running errands to the supermarket because they got quite turned on for servicing a woman. Best part is they paid well 😎

I didn't say he was misogynistic. I have no idea if he is. So not sure why you have quoted me.
I think knowingly going behind your partners back to do something you know is unacceptable to them, then lying when you are caught is not a healthy way to behave in a relationship and OP is reasonably upset.

So now we get to it. You are someone who has made a living out of men wanting an outlet for their fetishes.

If fetishes were normal and healthy, why would men need to pay for them to be indulged?

And I assume to do that job you have to be extremely comfortable with people who lie and cheat on their partners.

I am not sure you are providing OP with objective advice.

Then why do men dress in stockings and er, lingerie (there's the word, eh!), put on nail polish & make up etc etc? Why do they not instead go and give the toilet a good scrub, or clean out the fridge shelves, hem their DC's school trousers, carry the milk back from the supermarket or mop the floor?

if you’re in a relationship with someone who isn’t doing those things, that’s a problem you need to solve.

I have no idea why you feel the urge to post such a pathetic 'gotcha' in response to my post. What on earth does this contribute to this thread?

The subject is cross dressing.

Then why do men dress in stockings and er, lingerie (there's the word, eh!), put on nail polish & make up etc etc? Why do they not instead go and give the toilet a good scrub, or clean out the fridge shelves, hem their DC's school trousers, carry the milk back from the supermarket or mop the floor?

@EddieMunson if you’re in a relationship with someone who isn’t doing those things, that’s a problem you need to solve.

I would add that scrubbing toilets and cleaning out the fridge is a universal activity that applies to all humans (unless you're rich and can afford hired help), assuming that this is a woman's activity is quite misogynistic.

As an ex professional dominatrix I can confirm that there’s a lot of submissive men that would pay me for scrubbing my toilet cleaning my shelves and running errands to the supermarket because they got quite turned on for servicing a woman.

Yeah, maybe.

But the point is they won't do it day to day in their own homes. It's a sexual fetish, not an impulse to actually be equal partners in their domestic lives.

Because many men are married with people like the OP, women who despise or shame their fetish, many of those men don't want to break up their family, but their kink is an important part of their sexual identity and the only way they can act on it is going to a professional dominatrix. I saw a lot of these men whose wife was perfectly aware of their "paid hobby" and as long as it was done discreetly and didn't interfere with their marriage or sex life that's the arrangement they had come up with, and it worked. Not ideal, yes, but unfortunately we don't live in an ideal world. I believe couples should put their "cards on the table" before tying the know. You don't want to find out after 10 years of marriage, 2 kids and a mortgage that your husband has always been crossdresser (like the OP). This is totally pertinent to the conversation and yes, I'm offering the OP my own objective advice. She can swept under the rug her husbands crossdressing hobbies but it's not going to "go". He'll probably get more adept at hiding it.

He has never given her the option to make an informed decision. He is an adult. He had the option to be honest before they had children/got married. He chose not to. He needs to now accept the consequences of his choice.

I don't buy this "despised/shamed" narrative for why men don't say stuff at all. Your customers know their wives most likely won't be interested (because very few women are) and rather than not do it, they go outside the marriage.

It's no more acceptable than any other form of infidelity. To me, using sex workers is worse than having an affair, because its so transactional and shows the men have a sexually entitled attitude.

I saw a lot of these men whose wife was perfectly aware of their "paid hobby" and as long as it was done discreetly and didn't interfere with their marriage or sex life that's the arrangement they had come up with, and it worked

And how do you know this was true? It sounds just like any common or garden cheaters script. Not dissimilar to "my wife and I haven't had sex for years and live together as friends to raise the children".

Your customers were probably equally as ashamed of the fact they were cheating on their wives and for some twisted reason wanted you to think they were "nice guys", just misunderstood.

@AdamRyan And how do you know this was true?

Because I knew, phone conversations happened. Fact is my services were helping a lot of these men to keep there families together which is fine by me. I don't think the OP's husband is a "bad guy", OP says her husband is her best friend, he may be a good father, generous and supportive but there's an element of deceit by not coming clean about his fetish at the beginning.

people like the OP, women who despise or shame their fetish

Oh yes, let's blame the OP for her sexuality. Sounds a bit rapey to me.

Where’s the rapey factor? He never forced her into engaging his fetish with him. Not only that but he kept it hidden all his marriage. Obviously he must be quite lousy at hiding stuff so the OP found a bag with some evidence. I still see a “non consensual element” by not disclosing his fetish at the start, but definitely not “rapey”. On the other hand she’s perfectly entitled to despise his fetish of choice (I too have some fetishes I despise), but she’s not entitled to kink shaming. Two different things.

What has op done that you think is "kink shaming"? Honestly.

Of course they were. God forbid a man shouldn't have everything he wants in his sex life, clearly a good wife would be happy for him to buy it

@AdamRyan What has op done that you think is "kink shaming"? Honestly.

I just re- read that and I believe it was bad wording on my part ( apologies, English is not my mother language). Truth is I really don’t know if OP has kink shamed him or not, all I know is she despises cross dressing. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, but because I read quite some disturbing kink shaming on this thread it may have pushed me into wording my phrase wrong.

@AdamRyan good wife would be happy for him to buy it.

A “good wife” should deal with the situation in a way that best suits HER own interests, be it telling him to fu-k off, sweeping the issue under the rug (like most), serving him with divorce papers, going to marriage counselling or send him packing to the local dominatrix to indulge in his fetish so that she doesn’t have to. A “good wife” (whatever the hell that means so I’d rather use “a good partner”) should consider what’s best for her.

That's clearly not what Beatrix is saying. She is just saying some couples are happy with an arrangement where a partner experiences their sexual interests out of the relationship with a professional. Others won't be comfortable with that and find other ways to make it work and are happy with that and for others incompatible sexual interests just mean the relationship should end. There is no right or wrong way to deal with a sexual incompatibility, it depends what individual couples are happy with.

I also don't think this man may have definitely been hiding this interest from her at the beginning. Sexual interests can develop over time. Of course he may have hidden it from her from the get go or it could be something he has just over the years realised he's into.

They often try to make it work due to kids, finances etc....but if they had known the truth and what their partner needed at the start they never would have got in the relationship in the first place.

Tolerating something and perhaps turning a blind eye doesn't mean that they're actually happy with it.

I don't think people always know what they need or like sexually at the start of a relationship especially if you get together relatively young and you have been together a long time.

No-one "needs" anything sexually. That's rapist logic.
People have preferences and should be open with their partners if those preferences are so important they won't enjoy sex otherwise.

I disagree. Mumsnet is full of women talking about how they have unsatisfactory sex and how it makes them feel miserable, unwanted, unloved, if good sex wasn't a need people wouldnt feel like that. Having sex in a relationship that turns you on, you enjoy, leaves you satisfied and leaves you feeling desired is absolutely a valid need. That just looks differently to different people.

Would you honestly be happy in relationship where you never had sex the way you like sex?

Of course she's entitled to 'kink shame'. Everyone is.

Obviously, given your livelihood, it's probs not something you'd personally encourage. But everyone, anyone, is perfectly entitled to judge people for their sexual proclivities. There aren't any rules!

They may not like it, you may not like it, hell, I may not like it, but that doesn't mean people aren't allowed to do it.

I would say that the man in question did have an idea, because I believe the majority do and also this particular man had kissed men in the past which would also provide further supporting evidence IMO

@Sadface231 I have been thinking about your situation a lot and I think you were brave to confront him about this, but sadly I think his response tells you all you need to know about his mindset.

He knew this kink was a firm boundary in your relationship but he still went ahead with it and he didn't make much effort to keep it hidden. And the way he responded to you bringing it up was most revealing.

If he'd said, 'I made a mistake, I'm sorry and it wont happen again' then there would be a good chance you could work on the relationship.

Instead he made up a ridiculous lie about keeping the clothes because his ex forced him to wear them. Even at a crucial turning point which could make or break his relationship, he has chosen his fetish over you. His desire to involve you in his sissification fantasy was more important than his desire to save his marriage.

I think you will be much happier without this gaslighting man in your life. Splitting up is hard in the short term, but you can't build a future with someone who treats you like an accessory.