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Original poster

Secretly cross dressing husband

371 replies

Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 06:21

Please can I have some advice. I've been with my DH 13 years. Near the start, I was reading something about cross dressing and I said to him, I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me as I won't be OK with it.

After a couple of years I went away with work. I happened to see his Amazon account and the day I left, he ordered some hold ups. I assumed they were for me (I did used to wear them sometimes including for sex at times) but he never gave them to me. I ended up asking him and he was all vague like he didn't know where they ended up, but I never saw them.

Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise. I nearly threw up. It had tights, knickers, nail polish in there. I managed to convince myself he had done it as a trap for me to stop me snooping around (as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out). Probably stupid of me. Anyway a while later I looked again and there was also a little skirt and a long wig added to the collection. I feel so sick even writing it down. So obviously not just a trap.

We have since moved house and these things seem to have vanished. However he has 2 packs of hold ups in the bedroom. Just in his top drawer under one thing. I feel like he wants me to find them or why wouldn't he hide them better?

I feel like I don't want to have sex with him again. Which then leads to do I want to be married to him? We have 1 DC and I have 2 older DCs he brings up with me and a very happy family. He is my best friend. But I am very repulsed by what I found.

What does anyone think?

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 15/09/2023 09:54

Woah, looks like reddit found your post, OP.

caringcarer · 15/09/2023 10:18

Now you know you can't not know. I couldn't remain married to someone who does this no matter how good in other ways. I'd sort out your finances and go see a solicitor before you tell him you know. Get a test for sexual infections as you don't know how far he's taken it or if the stepfather was correct. You are not a failure. Next time you will pick better.

porridgeisbae · 15/09/2023 10:38

He seems happy with our sex life. I'm not and try to avoid.

Is he just bad at it, or does he also try to make you do weird stuff you're not into? Transvestitism is a fetish which can indicate someone also is into other fetishes.

If he tries to nag you to do something he knows you don't like, that's sexual coercion and not ok. x

Original poster
Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 10:48

I am just not really attracted to him now. He does have a foot fetish as well which I allow even though I find that quite gross too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 10:51

@beastlyslumber not sure what you mean about reddit?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 15/09/2023 10:58

If you’re not attracted to him then that’s fine, you may not be compatible sexually, in which case yes if you feel you want to then divorce.

But again, just because you don’t personally find the same things as him “sexy” doesn’t mean that he is wrong to do them.

beastlyslumber · 15/09/2023 11:18

Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 10:51

@beastlyslumber not sure what you mean about reddit?

Sudden influx of people telling you that you shouldn't be worried about his fetish, but you should be worried about the crazy trans widows trying to mess with your mind...

Original poster
Sadface231 · 15/09/2023 11:20

Ahaaa yes I'm with you!!

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 15/09/2023 11:29

Your husband has been hiding he’s a cross dresser all his marriage because you proofed to be judgemental regarding his fetish from the very beginning and clearly warned him you would not be ok with it, so of course he kept it a secret from you! If the man I loved told me that my strongest sexual fetish was a deal breaker for him I would have probably done the same as your husband.

Mrsttcno1 · 15/09/2023 11:30

Assuming at least part of @beastlyslumber comment was aimed at me, I’m not from reddit 🤣 but my point is, what’s the difference between your partner wearing these things in his own house for his own pleasure, and me using a vibrator alone in my bedroom?

There’s a difference between a trans person and someone cross dressing in their own home for perhaps their own sexual pleasure?

So unless you can say that you’ve NEVER masturbated, you would be a hypocrite to criticise someone doing something privately for their own pleasure.

Of course, if he was forcing you to participate in this, or if he was cheating on you to engage in these desires with other people then that’s very different and you’d have every right to be angry. But being angry about someone’s internal and private desires is bizarre.

It’s not my thing personally, but that doesn’t mean anyone who does it is wrong or shameful.

beatrix1234 · 15/09/2023 11:31

@Mrsttcno1 again, just because you don’t personally find the same things as him “sexy” doesn’t mean that he is wrong to do them.

The above, with spades.

lifeturnsonadime · 15/09/2023 11:33

Crikey, all humans masturbate, not all humans get a kick out of crossdressing.

@Sadface231 don't listen to this nonsense, you are perfectly entitled to find your DH's cross dressing repulsive.

Perfect28 · 15/09/2023 11:38

So let me get this right, you explicitly told him to never tell you if he was in to that and then you are upset that he lied? Honestly I find it baffling and offensive that people find the idea of a man wearing a hold up repulsive but for a woman is fine.

beatrix1234 · 15/09/2023 11:39

@Perfect28 So let me get this right, you explicitly told him to never tell you if he was in to that and then you are upset that he lied?

THIS.

Mrsttcno1 · 15/09/2023 11:40

lifeturnsonadime · 15/09/2023 11:33

Crikey, all humans masturbate, not all humans get a kick out of crossdressing.

@Sadface231 don't listen to this nonsense, you are perfectly entitled to find your DH's cross dressing repulsive.

You’re right, we all masturbate and we are all turned on by different things.

Is masturbation only acceptable in your eyes if you do it alone in a dark room with just your hands?

Would you be equally as repulsed by a woman using a vibrator?

What about a man using a cock ring?

What about someone watching porn while masturbating?

You’ve said yourself everyone masturbates, it’s about individual pleasure in private, it’s really not your place to say what turns someone on is “repulsive”, you don’t have to engage with it, it doesn’t affect you :)

lifeturnsonadime · 15/09/2023 11:42

Mrsttcno1 · 15/09/2023 11:40

You’re right, we all masturbate and we are all turned on by different things.

Is masturbation only acceptable in your eyes if you do it alone in a dark room with just your hands?

Would you be equally as repulsed by a woman using a vibrator?

What about a man using a cock ring?

What about someone watching porn while masturbating?

You’ve said yourself everyone masturbates, it’s about individual pleasure in private, it’s really not your place to say what turns someone on is “repulsive”, you don’t have to engage with it, it doesn’t affect you :)

Show quote history

Why do you want to know my thoughts on masturbation?

Very odd.

The OP is talking about DH cross dressing. She is entitled to find this repulsive.

BalancedDivorcee · 15/09/2023 11:46

Whether it's repulsive or not, or he's kept it secret or not doesn't seem too important to me. You have an issue of sexual incompatibility in your marriage. You can likely ignore it, possibly for years but in the end those desires will come home to roost. Denying him his sexuality is going to be as successful as you denying to yourself you are yuck'd by it.

I would refraim from the hysterical get a bank account ready, get the STD test, it seems very, very mild and you need some sort of trust between you both.

You need to sit down and have an honest, non judgemental, conversation about it. Whether it's right or wrong, dirty, disgusting is not the important thing here. It's how you can both move through it.

It's unlikely that both partners will always align, perfectly, sexually. You've told him, early on, you think it's disugsting and so he kept it from you because he knew what you thought. He likely tried to stop it, because he loves you so much and values the relationship. However, unrequitted sexual needs ALWAYS come out in the end, sometimes months or years later, sometimes decades later. It's just a question if you can both can find a way of navigating it.

If you can't then who cares what others think? Why live a miserable marriage?

Mrsttcno1 · 15/09/2023 11:49

Because it’s not just about masturbation @lifeturnsonadime , it’s about sexual pleasure, and how different people find that in different ways.

You admitted yourself that everyone masturbates, so you’re not against individuals embracing their sexual desires in private, you don’t think it’s repulsive to touch yourself in private but you think it’s repulsive for someone to wear different clothes in private for their sexuality?

The OP is entitled to their feelings, however they need to remember that’s all they are, THEIR feelings. Their reaction is not anyone else’s problem, and doesn’t make anything he is doing wrong or shameful. It’s just not for her and that’s okay, but it’s not wrong.

lifeturnsonadime · 15/09/2023 11:51

Mrsttcno1 · 15/09/2023 11:49

Because it’s not just about masturbation @lifeturnsonadime , it’s about sexual pleasure, and how different people find that in different ways.

You admitted yourself that everyone masturbates, so you’re not against individuals embracing their sexual desires in private, you don’t think it’s repulsive to touch yourself in private but you think it’s repulsive for someone to wear different clothes in private for their sexuality?

The OP is entitled to their feelings, however they need to remember that’s all they are, THEIR feelings. Their reaction is not anyone else’s problem, and doesn’t make anything he is doing wrong or shameful. It’s just not for her and that’s okay, but it’s not wrong.

Oh for goodness sake.

You brought masturbation into this, no one else did.

You may find cross dressing a completely normal thing for a person to do but you can see from this thread that many people don't and would think it's repulsive in others.

What you are trying to do is normalise cross dressing. I'm not falling for it.

EddieMunson · 15/09/2023 11:52

lifeturnsonadime · 15/09/2023 11:51

Oh for goodness sake.

You brought masturbation into this, no one else did.

You may find cross dressing a completely normal thing for a person to do but you can see from this thread that many people don't and would think it's repulsive in others.

What you are trying to do is normalise cross dressing. I'm not falling for it.

Show quote history

What you are trying to do is normalise cross dressing. I'm not falling for it.

why shouldn’t it be normalised?

lifeturnsonadime · 15/09/2023 11:54

EddieMunson · 15/09/2023 11:52

What you are trying to do is normalise cross dressing. I'm not falling for it.

why shouldn’t it be normalised?

Edited
Show quote history

Because most people have no interest in it and would not see it as something desirable in a partner.

Anyway. Stop derailing the OPs post.

She is entitled to find it repulsive as is anyone else.

loislovesstewie · 15/09/2023 11:56

If you don't want a cross dressing foot fetishist then you don't have to stay.I wouldn't be keen as , quite frankly, it just doesn't appeal to me. Someone getting off on this is likely to only get off on it ,in time.
TBH , you would be better off by yourself without the kinks.

EddieMunson · 15/09/2023 11:56

lifeturnsonadime · 15/09/2023 11:54

Because most people have no interest in it and would not see it as something desirable in a partner.

Anyway. Stop derailing the OPs post.

She is entitled to find it repulsive as is anyone else.

Show quote history

So because “most people” aren’t into it, no one should be?

And I’m not detailing the post. I’m talking about cross dressing on a thread about cross dressing.

fluffy2buffy · 15/09/2023 11:56

beatrix1234 · 15/09/2023 11:29

Your husband has been hiding he’s a cross dresser all his marriage because you proofed to be judgemental regarding his fetish from the very beginning and clearly warned him you would not be ok with it, so of course he kept it a secret from you! If the man I loved told me that my strongest sexual fetish was a deal breaker for him I would have probably done the same as your husband.

What a shitty thing to do, not discussing your fetish before marriage and allowing the person you love most in the world make an informed decision. I'd hope not many men would act in such a way, awful.

lifeturnsonadime · 15/09/2023 11:58

EddieMunson · 15/09/2023 11:56

So because “most people” aren’t into it, no one should be?

And I’m not detailing the post. I’m talking about cross dressing on a thread about cross dressing.

Edited
Show quote history

Where have I said that no one should cross dress?

It's up to them, but an implication that a woman should accept her husbands kinks when she isn't into it is quite vile really.

The point is that OP is not happy with it and that, frankly is enough, unless you have an issue with consent.