Secretly cross dressing husband

[Sadface231]

Please can I have some advice. I've been with my DH 13 years. Near the start, I was reading something about cross dressing and I said to him, I am really not into that so if he is, never tell me as I won't be OK with it.

After a couple of years I went away with work. I happened to see his Amazon account and the day I left, he ordered some hold ups. I assumed they were for me (I did used to wear them sometimes including for sex at times) but he never gave them to me. I ended up asking him and he was all vague like he didn't know where they ended up, but I never saw them.

Then about a year ago I was in the cupboards in our bedroom and looked in a bag I didn't recognise. I nearly threw up. It had tights, knickers, nail polish in there. I managed to convince myself he had done it as a trap for me to stop me snooping around (as he told me his step dad thought he was gay so he badly hid gay porn in his room to freak him out). Probably stupid of me. Anyway a while later I looked again and there was also a little skirt and a long wig added to the collection. I feel so sick even writing it down. So obviously not just a trap.

We have since moved house and these things seem to have vanished. However he has 2 packs of hold ups in the bedroom. Just in his top drawer under one thing. I feel like he wants me to find them or why wouldn't he hide them better?

I feel like I don't want to have sex with him again. Which then leads to do I want to be married to him? We have 1 DC and I have 2 older DCs he brings up with me and a very happy family. He is my best friend. But I am very repulsed by what I found.

What does anyone think?

@beatrix1234
On the other hand she’s perfectly entitled to despise his fetish of choice (I too have some fetishes I despise), but she’s not entitled to kink shaming. Two different things.

They're not that different at all. A partner despising something will often lead to a person feeling shamed. Also a partner is allowed to be completely honest and should be completely honest about how it makes them feel, which some would say is kink shaming.

So yes people are entitled to kink shame, because if they can't express their true feelings then they're not entitled to be fully honest.

A situation where people have to thread very softly so as not to hurt the other persons feelings in case they feel 'shamed' about what they like, means that the other person has to suppress their own feelings/reactions.

@Panaa So yes people are entitled to kink shame, because if they can't express their true feelings then they're not entitled to be fully honest.

I believe there's a difference between "I'm sorry but cross dressing is not something I personally enjoy, I actually find it quite a turn off so I'm not sure our sex life is going to work out" and " You're a bloody pervert for getting your sex jolies by dressing as a woman!". Shaming someone for having a fetish is quite like shaming someone for having a specific sexual orientation. Moral high horse and not understanding how sexual identity works.

Why does having kissed men offer supporting evidence to enjoying cross dressing?

IMO it does because it suggests some kind of confusion, whether that's to do with sexuality or gender issues.

......Moral high horse and not understanding how sexual identity works.

It's you who isn't understanding or getting this. The sexual identity of the partner who doesn't have the fetish is also important and complex.

I would be in deep distress if I found this out about my partner. I would be in turmoil knowing that our sex life wouldn't be the same. I would be distressed and disgusted wondering if he had ever got aroused that way and then touched me, or if he was thinking about it during sex with me etc. It would impact me massively....so I would NOT be able to turn off my visceral reaction and just say "I'm sorry but cross dressing is not something I personally enjoy, I actually find it quite a turn off so I'm not sure our sex life is going to work out" because I would honestly be devastated and in turmoil and would need to express that. I would also feel deceived and would need to express that.

@beatrix1234
Too late to edit but I meant our sex life would be over, not that it wouldn't be the same.

I think our sex life is over too. So I think I want to split up. I mainly don't want to upset the kids though. And don't want to break my husband. Since our talk last week he is struggling to sleep and barely eaten. I know I am his rock in life and he is now adrift. He is saying I should do what is best for me though.

He is having intrusive thoughts about his childhood again - he says his upbringing is to blame for the anger and coercive behaviour he has displayed in the past. He has said nothing more about the fetishes. He seems to be ignoring that part. We left it that he made those silly claims (been too nervous to ask me to wear hold ups for the last 6 years since my work trip... has increasing amounts of women clothes because they were left over from his abusive ex) and I said I didn't believe him at all. Seems we aren't mentioning it again? The holdups have gone though.

I don't know why I'm posting, though I've not spoken to anyone about this IRL so this is helping I guess.

Perhaps I am misreading some of the comments - so please excuse me for that, but I do indeed support people in having an opinion - where I take issue is with dismissing out of hand the opinion of others and suggest that their comments are not valid.
A wife has asked for advice - plenty has been given. The focus has been her or him. Only one other person has mentioned the children and suggested pulling the plug.
My reflected comments are this;

1. Finding his 'stash' was a nasty shock to the system. I can identify with that. It can make a person feel very sick as well as very angry. I do think though, that adjusting to the shock might bring a more mature reflection on the matter.
2. As to his fetish - at a guess it will be deep seated and its origins traced back to his childhood. I suspect giving up smoking will be a lot easier! As to a proper diagnosis he would need professional help - even then I doubt if it will make him change.
3. Is his 'crime' so awful that it will harm you as a family? As I suggested before you need an honest chat as to the extent of his fetish.
4. If you can accommodate his fetish (but not in front of you) allow him a drawer and impose a limit to his stash (not robbing the family budget). You still will need to talk about your sexual relationship.
5. It is not just you and him. I understand that you are a family with children, and if you break up, as I understand it and at a guess, this will not be your first time, or even his. Any divorce will affect the children. Do bear this in mind. For me at least - that will be uppermost in my mind.

You're bound to be in conflict Sadface231. None of this is easy.

Just being able to get your thoughts ordered enough to even post will be helping.

I haven’t read the whole thread but will later - just to say that I have a very loving, happy relationship with someone who cross dresses - been together over 3 years - he’s not into men at all but envies us females for being to be able to wear much nicer clothes than males - he sometimes dresses up when we are together, sometimes doesn’t - I’m fine with it - in fact I bought him a top today which he and I love - I’ll get my self one - in fairness, he told me about his cross dressing before things got physical and introduced me me to gradually